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| Got secrets? |
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 Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 9:58 pm
Also, I can't help but think I'm too greedy or something.. or think that people think I'm too greedy. I see all these nice zCB'rs getting donations and gifts and feel kinda jealous... Though I really shouldn't be. I'm happy for them, really.
Maybe it's just an indirect way of people telling me to stop asking for help and do it my own. Or something.. I don't know. >.<
Maybe I should just stop giving out gifts period and be selfish for once. Think about myself for a bit rather than always trying to help others.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 10:01 pm
I feel like such a bad girl!! Alex is about to call so we can do... fun things... <.<
I have to be all sneaky, making sure my parents are asleep and setting it up so the TV is nice and loud and everything. It's fun, but it makes me so paranoid and jumpy!!! XD
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 10:02 pm
Mickey2146 Kuroyanagika I'm not sure if I should wait for the Compass to deflate and buy it for myself, or go ahead and buy a Retreat and re-buy the Halo to gift it to a friend. (It deflated since I sold it so the extra gold is helping towards the Retreat).
I do want a Retreat.. but I like the Compass, too. I'm afraid if I don't get it now, it'll inflate to over 2 mil. And my friend does want the Halo..
D: Halp?
And for the Halo, I think it will deflate a bit after June 30th, when it stops being animated.
I suggest buying the Compass first and then the Retreat with gold and the Halo with the GC you get by doing offers.
Really, right now, I could for either the Retreat or the Compass. I know who's doing the Retreat now and it's actually a good artist. I would like to get that before it jumps up to 1 mil.. though, then again, the Compass might jump to over 2 mil..
Bleh, decisions, decisions. @LMF: XD Nice. Good luck with that and have fun! heart
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 10:18 pm
Little Miss Fortune I feel like such a bad girl!! Alex is about to call so we can do... fun things... <.<
I have to be all sneaky, making sure my parents are asleep and setting it up so the TV is nice and loud and everything. It's fun, but it makes me so paranoid and jumpy!!! XD Somebody kill me before I throw up my internal organs. gonk
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 10:25 pm
I had a horrible experience today which basically boiled down to driving about ninety miles on the freeway through Houston on a spare tire. It was a nightmare. How can you not love a guy who, after hearing that you'd be doing that, stays up more than an hour and a half past when he's accustomed to going to sleep just so he can make sure you're safe?
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:41 pm
If anybody actually reads this, I'm sorry for the text wall. I really needed to get this out.
Sometimes I feel like I'll just die if I can't talk about what's going on in my life right now. My boyfriend is the only person who knows, but... since it's not definite in either direction, he doesn't want me to worry myself to death and tries to cheer me up and change the subject every time I bring it up. I appreciate it, but at the same time I resent it. This could be a serious problem. It could be a VERY serious, time consuming problem requiring lots of money going down the drain. Yeah, it might not be, but it could be and just thinking about it's enough to ruin my entire day and make me feel terrible and scared and I feel like I need someone to talk to. But, I don't even feel like I can talk to my internet friends, let alone my real life friends, because I don't want anyone to know. I've seriously thought about seeing the school counselors at my university just so I can have someone to talk to, but I'm worried my parents would find out about my possible problem. If I start putting anxiety meds on my insurance, they'll wonder what's wrong and I'll have to explain suddenly having so much anxiety that I need to be medicated, and that would be a problem.
I feel like I have no right to feel scared anyway because even if it is true, the way to fix it isn't that complicated (assuming it's not too far gone), and the only thing it would affect, other than my bank account and debt, is my ability to do something I didn't want to do anyway. I think I'm just more afraid my parents will find out than anything, and that's silly too. I should probably just go ahead and tell them so I don't spend so much money to keep it a secret, but I can't stomach the thought of letting them know, so the debt's worth it. Right? Oh jeez, I'm so hopelessly confused. And I do fully realize that if I don't tell them now, before the expenses start, that I'll never be able to tell them. I think it would make a huge dent in our relationship for them to find out that I could even consider hiding it from them, if it is applicable. Once I make the first payment, I've lost my chance. I'll have my first visit on the 18th of June, so I have a while to think about it, but still. I know I want to keep this a secret now, but the thought of hiding this from them for the rest of their lives is just painful. But, at the same time, they have enough on their plates. I don't want them to worry about me, or at least not any more than they already do.
Just thinking about it is enough to turn me into a complete nervous wreck, and I probably spend eight hours or more every day thinking about it. I'm having trouble paying attention in class because it'll cross my mind and I'll be thinking about it and worrying instead of listening to the teacher. I'll have trouble studying because I'll start thinking about it and go look up relevant websites, again, and read over everything I've read over a million times already until I've run out of time to study. And I'm upset at myself for acting this way, because it's still only a possibility. I MIGHT have the problem, I might NOT have the problem. I just don't know yet, and I won't know for about a month.
It's the uncertainty that's getting to me. I've never been a person who is terribly fond of not knowing what's going on or knowing what to do. I think I'll feel a little calmer once I find out whether or not I have this problem. If I do have it, I can make plans to deal with it. If I don't, I can breathe a giant sigh of relief and move on with my life. I feel like I'm trapped in limbo and I can't move forward or backward. I'm not going to resign myself to a situation that might not be applicable to me. I can't make PLANS, for chrissake, and I am the queen of making plans. I plan out everything in my life. I need rules and order and plans, they make my life better, but I have to know first before I can decide what do to about it. I just want to know, I almost don't care if it's applicable or not. I just want to ******** know. I'm so tired of being miserable and uncertain and worried about my future. I have tears running down my face right now, and this is not the first time I've cried over this today. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it.
And now I feel guilty again for being miserable. There are so many people with worse versions of what my problem may be, and I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself when I might not have the problem at all and even if I do, it's not going to be as bad as some people have it. Right now, I almost wish I could take back the last three years of my life and start over. However, that makes me feel guilty too. I met my boyfriend within the past three years, and I love him. I've been with him for more than two years now and I can't imagine giving him up. While the situation has nothing to do with him, that which caused the situation that may or may not be applicable directly preceded me starting to see my boyfriend, and I wouldn't have started seeing him if that hadn't happened. I feel guilty even thinking about resenting the past three years. I keep coming back to the question of whether it would have been better for me to have never met him, and for this to have never been a possibility, or for things to have happened the way they did. Basically, is he worth this? Is anyone? And it's a stupid question to ask because he has nothing to do with it anyway. It's not his fault, he just happened to follow it in chronology. I don't know why I keep thinking this way. I probably just like torturing myself.
This is all getting so complicated in my mind and I just want it to be simple again. If this is responsibility, I don't want it. I want to go back to being a kid and not having to deal with this. I want to talk to my mom and curl up in her lap and cry and listen to her tell me that whatever happens, that it's going to be okay. I know this situation will likely be okay in the end, no matter what the outcome is, but going through it without my parents' love and support is so tough. I've never gone through anything remotely like this before, and I've never gone through any hardship without telling them.
It is so damned hard not to have my mother's shoulder to cry on or her advice to think about. I'm used to her being here for me, and she's not. She would be if she could, and I know it, but I just can't let her know. It would hurt my pride too much and just make her worry, and I want her to be happy. She's already in a miserable situation, I'm not going to mess it up any more. I love her so much; I want her to be happier than I am, but I also don't want to go through this alone. I'm not, really, since my boyfriend knows, but he doesn't want to talk about it and I really feel like I am completely alone right now.
At least talking about it made me feel a little better. Sometimes just saying it helps a lot.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:41 pm
Kats Kokeshi Doll Little Miss Fortune I feel like such a bad girl!! Alex is about to call so we can do... fun things... <.<
I have to be all sneaky, making sure my parents are asleep and setting it up so the TV is nice and loud and everything. It's fun, but it makes me so paranoid and jumpy!!! XD Somebody kill me before I throw up my internal organs. gonk
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:46 pm
@Fortune: That's probably the first time I've heard someone call someone amazing at that particular thing.
I know I always tell people not to get hearing aids.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:48 pm
Valheita @Fortune: That's probably the first time I've heard someone call someone amazing at that particular thing.
I know I always tell people not to get hearing aids.
He IS amazing at that. He knows exaaaaaaaactly what to say to make me all gkjfgkl;jf;lgkj XD
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:50 pm
Little Miss Fortune Valheita @Fortune: That's probably the first time I've heard someone call someone amazing at that particular thing.
I know I always tell people not to get hearing aids.
He IS amazing at that. He knows exaaaaaaaactly what to say to make me all gkjfgkl;jf;lgkj XD
Terrible. But then my sense of humour is notoriously bad.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:51 pm
Valheita Little Miss Fortune Valheita @Fortune: That's probably the first time I've heard someone call someone amazing at that particular thing.
I know I always tell people not to get hearing aids.
He IS amazing at that. He knows exaaaaaaaactly what to say to make me all gkjfgkl;jf;lgkj XD
Terrible. But then my sense of humour is notoriously bad.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:53 pm
Little Miss Fortune Valheita Little Miss Fortune Valheita @Fortune: That's probably the first time I've heard someone call someone amazing at that particular thing.
I know I always tell people not to get hearing aids.
He IS amazing at that. He knows exaaaaaaaactly what to say to make me all gkjfgkl;jf;lgkj XD
Terrible. But then my sense of humour is notoriously bad.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:54 pm
Little Miss Fortune Valheita Little Miss Fortune Valheita @Fortune: That's probably the first time I've heard someone call someone amazing at that particular thing.
I know I always tell people not to get hearing aids.
He IS amazing at that. He knows exaaaaaaaactly what to say to make me all gkjfgkl;jf;lgkj XD
Terrible. But then my sense of humour is notoriously bad.
At least Cho got it.
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:54 pm
He thinks your having phone sex, Fortune.
oh my god, are you? gonk
*throws up more*
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Posted: Fri May 28, 2010 11:57 pm
Kats Kokeshi Doll He thinks your having phone sex, Fortune.
oh my god, are you? gonk
*throws up more*
XDDDDDDDD
Priceless reaction XD
@Val & Chozo: OHHHH!!!! I am clueless then XD
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