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 Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:08 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:13 pm
Mental Health Hotline
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 three times, repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, poress 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press
* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic press 969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please leave a message ater the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have a short-term memory loss press 9. If you have a short-term memory loss press 9. If you have a short term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:18 pm
Funny Signs
* "We repair what your husband fixed."
* On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip call your plumber."
* Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
* At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
* Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we help you pick your nose?"
* At a Towing Company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
* Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
* On an Electricians truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
* In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
* On Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push."
* At an Optometrists Office "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
* On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
* In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
* On a Butchers window: "Let me meat your needs."
* On a fence: "Salesman Welcome. Dog food is expensive."
* At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
* Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
* Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
* On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
* In a Veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
* At the Electric Company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
* On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
* In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
* Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
* In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
* In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:21 pm
Top Bumper Stickers Seen Around the World
1. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are the made out of meat?
2. I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain in order to eat vegetables!
3. Constipated People Don't Give A s**t.
4. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
5. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
6. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
7. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
8. Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
9. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
10. My Dumb Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
11. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
12. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
13. If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
14. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
15. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
16. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
17. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
18. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My a**.
19. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
20. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
21. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
22. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
23. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
24. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
25. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
26. The Face Is Sorta Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
27. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
28. Illiterate? Write For Help
29. Honk If Anything Falls Off
30. Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes
31. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
32. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
33. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
34. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
35. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This hand basket?
36. If Sex Is A Pain In The a**, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
37. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:26 pm
Careers That Slipped Away:
* "I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate."
* "I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax."
* "I used to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job."
* "I used to work in a muffler factory until I got exhausted."
* "I used to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it."
* "I used to be a deli-worker, but any way I sliced it, I just couldn't cut the mustard."
* "I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy."
* "I wanted to be a chef because I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme."
* "I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients."
* "I used to be a math teacher, but I had too many problems."
* "I used to work for a paper company, but they folded."
* "I used to work for a brake company, but they really went on the skids."
* "I used to work for a bra manufacturer, but they went bust."
* I used to be a surgeon, but I was forced to take a big cut in my salary."
* I used to be a baker, but I was too short of dough."
* "I used to work for a refrigerator manufacturer, but they had their assets frozen."
* "I used to be an upholsterer, but I couldn't cover my costs."
* "I used to work for an adhesive tape company, but they got into a sticky situation."
* "I used to work for a tennis ball manufacturer, but they ended up in court."
* Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
* I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
* I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
* I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
* I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
* I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
* I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I was discharged.
* After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
* My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:28 pm
it smells like burnt buttery popcorn
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:30 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:35 pm
surprised
Headache
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my p***s with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository -- it's up to you!"
eek
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:49 pm
If Dr. Seuss Had Written Technical Books
1. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
2. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna' crash!
3. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna' hang!
4. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 8:58 pm
New Millennium Proverbs
1. Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
2. The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C: is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like (http://www.)home(.com)
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use The Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:00 pm
Hilarious Flight Information from the Airline Employees
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
5. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.
6. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
7. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
8. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
9. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."
10. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
11. "Last one off the plane must clean it."
12. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
13. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants 'fault...it was the asphalt!"
14. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
15. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
16. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
17. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
18. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:13 pm
PickUp Lines
1. You are the reason men fall in love.
2. I had a dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?
3. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
4. You know you might be asked to leave, you make the other women look bad.
5. Just where do those legs end?
6. Would you come back to my place and pet my dog?
7. We voted you "The most Beautiful Girl Here" and the grand prize is me.
8. Mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
9. Which is easier? Getting into those pants, or getting out of them?
10. If life is a meat market, you're prime rib.
11. My rank is a naval inspector. Let's go to your place for an inspection.
12. I'm lost. Which way to your house?
13. Are you interested in a hot slice of conversation?
14. There must be something wrong with my eyes I can't take them off of you.
15. You're so sweet your going to put sugar out of business.
16. Your daddy must be a thief, because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
17. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in the room?
18. I had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile, so could you please smile for me?
19. Let's go lie down and talk about it.
20. Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
21. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), "If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!"
22. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
23. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
24. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
25. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
26. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you... of course, if I was on you, I'd be cumming too.
27. The word of the day is LEGS, so let's go to my house and spread the word.
28. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
29. Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I'll multiply.
30. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
31. So, do you want to see something really swell?
32. Excuse me but is your last name "Gillette"... cause you are the best a man can get!
33. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
34. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
35. You have 206 bones in your body, want another?
36. Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
37. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see.
38. Have you been dipped in pretty sauce? Because you are the prettiest girl I've ever seen!
39. Hey girl, want to screw?
40. Hey Babe, my name is ______. That's so you know what to scream!
41. I feel like Richard Gere, I'm standing next to the pretty woman.
42. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
43. What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
44. I know milk does the body good, but how much have you been drinking?
45. Want to see my hard drive? I promise it ain't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy!
46. Girl, you are looking sooooo good! I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you!
47. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I sure could make your bed rock!!
48. First, I would love to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button!
49. Wanna play army? I'll lay and you blow the hell out of me!
50. I've noticed you noticing me and I was just giving you notice that I've noticed you!
51. I lost my phone number, can I have yours?
52. [Tap your thing] You think this is my leg?
53. I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
54. If we were in a meat shop, you would be prime rib baby!!!!!!!!
55. The only place that dress would look better than on you is on the floor!!
56. Are those real?
57. Nice legs... What time do they open?
58. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
59. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
60. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
61. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
62. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
63. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
64. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
65. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
66. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
67. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on Earth, I bet we could do it in public.
68. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
69. (Look down at your crotch) Well. It's not going to suck itself.
70. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
71. Baby, I'm an American Express lover..you shouldn't go home without me.
72. You're body is like Visa. It's like everywhere I want to be.
73. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
74. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
75. Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
76. If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me?
77. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
78. Damn, I thought "very-fine" only came in a bottle!
79. Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.
80. Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
81. Something tells me you're sweet. Can I have a sample?
82. Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
83. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day...
84. Nice legs...what time do they open?
85. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
86. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
87. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
88. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
89. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher have you seen one?
90. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
91. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
92. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
93. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
94. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
95. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
96. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
97. Are those real?
98. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
99. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
100. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
101. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
102. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
103. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
104. F @# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
105. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
106. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
107. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
108. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
109. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
110. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
111. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
112. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
113. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
114. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
115. Baby, I'm an American Express lover... you shouldn't go home without me.
116. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
117. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
118. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
119. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
120. Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.
121. I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...
122. Lets play Titanic, when I say iceberg, you go down.
123. Would you wear shoes if you didn't have any feet? Then why are you wearing a bra?
124. What time do you have to be back in heaven?
125. You must have a mirror in your pocket because I can easily see myself in your pants.
126. If you were a tear in my eye, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
127. Excuse me, do you give head to strangers? Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
128. The last time I saw you, I was dreaming.
129. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:17 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:20 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 02, 2006 9:21 pm
heart heart heart heart yep yep, so bored
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Reply
