Wow. I'm absolutely shaking right now. I'm not sure if it's because the window is open--as it's absolutely freezing outside--or if it's because I just talked to Chelsea from beyond the grave.... somewhat.
She IMed me over Yahoo, trying to nonchalantly have a conversation with me like we had just ******** yesterday. Apparently, A Chelsea died, but not necessarily my Chelsea. Same name, same state, completely different look.
In any case, now that I've explained that, gaze at the following and laugh, facepalm, get angry. Whatever, I'm gonna try to go to bed. >_<
Chels: Wow. Dramatic and mature.
Jer: Yeah, yeah. Say what you want. You're the one who went and ended up pregnant.
Chels: Apparently you were cheating on me the whole time, so why be so mad? And I told you Jer, that was not what I wanted.
Jer: Because I wasn't. I made all that ridiculous bullshit up because I wanted
you to know how it felt.
Chels: ******** Jer, I told you, that s**t wasn't ******** consentual!
Jer: Well forgive me for not believing you, considering the way you acted over the phone. Aside from that, HOW do you explain what happened before that? Back in, what, July?
Chels: What the ******** are you talking about?
Jer: With Michael, or whatever the hell his name is.
Chels: Oh.
Chels: So you did read my message...
Chels: I'm not going to try to make excuses, there isn't one. It was wrong, it was shitty, it was ******** up. There is no excuse, the only thing i can do is say I'm sorry.
Jer: I read up until that part.
Jer: And then I shattered my wrist on my skull.
Jer: And, to be quite honest, "I'm sorry" just doesn't cut it anymore.
Chels: I know that Jer, but it's the only thing I have to offer.
Jer: Then your offers aren't good enough.
Chels: You think I don't know that?
Jer: I was happy with you. I really was, and you twisted me in half. Yet, you sit there trying to talk to me STILL. What the hell do you want? Are you trying to get me institutionalized?
Chels: You think I would be selfish enough to ask you to forgive me, just like that? With a simple I'm sorry? I wouldn't do it, if things were the other way around, and I know that.
Jer: That's not the problem. It's your damn pride.
Chels: What pride, Jer? I don't ******** have any anymore!
Jer: Yeah,
anymore, but that wasn't the case a few months ago.
Jer: When I literally ******** myself trying to figure out why I was still with you.
Chels: What pride did I have then, either, that was the problem?
Jer: You couldn't apologize. I asked you why not, and you couldn't tell me the reason. Granted, he may or may not have raped you. That's not my concern. What really puzzled me was how nonchalantly you told me that day.
Chels: Would you rather I broke down? That s**t happened to me when I was little by Eric, and the last ******** thing that I wanted to do was ******** think about it! The only way I could even tell you is if I emotionally cut myself off completely, or else I would have went into hysterics!
Jer: Oh, you mean like, for instance, how I was for an entire
two weeks after I found out you were pregnant?
Jer: In any case, what the hell are you trying to accomplish by talking to me?
Chels: I don't even know Jer. You were the biggest ******** part of my life for almost three ******** years, and... ********, I don't know, I thought we could be civil about this, and like I said in my message, try to be some sort of friends, as ******** up as it is of me to even ask it. I shouldn't ask it. It's probably too little, too late, huh?
Jer: I decided the moment I hung up that phone that we were done, that you didn't exist, and that I wanted you to
die. While that's a little harsh, it is true, and to be honest I'm still standing by it. Just hearing your NAME brings up the most sadistic thoughts I could ever have in my LIFE, and I quite frankly don't think I could stand being around you ever again. Not only that, but how could I trust you as a friend when I couldn't even trust you as my girlfriend, my fiance, my SOUL MATE? I really thought you were the one. I threw my wife away for you (what was it, a fourth time?), and you threw all that s**t away over some dumbass who just so happened to be there. I was absolutely disgusted with myself when I read that, and to be honest I think I'd rather be told at face value about it. At least then I MIGHT be able to hold back my rage.
Jer: Long story short, yeah. It's too much to ask. At least this soon.
Chels: I never meant for any of this to happen. I wanted to be with you, to do all the s**t we planned... Things were ******** up, though. And I'm sorry, more sorry than I can even say, so I won't even try. I don't know what else to say, and I'm not going to type a bunch of sappy words, because that won't make anything better. I hope you're happy with Amanda, I really do. I'm not saying that in some smartass way; I want you to be happy. You don't know how much I wish things could have been different. I ******** up. I accept full responsibility in the fall out of our relationship. I have no pride left, and now you know that. You know me well enough to know that I would never have admitted to that if even a shred of it remained. I understand if you never want to even hear my name again.
Chels: If you don't, then don't sent anything back, and I'll delete you from my messenger, and you'll never have to hear from me. However, if you think that there is a chance that we could go back to being friends, then send something back, I don't care if its just a period... just something.
Jer: You say you never meant for any of it to happen, but you let it happen anyway; I'm not talking about that s**t with Zack. What was so ******** up in July you would let some guy penetrate you instead of coming to me and at least
trying to talk about it? I might not have been much help in any sense, but I could've tried. I could've ******** tried, and I would've. With every fiber of my being. I quit school, not just because of the grade situation, but because I thought it would be the best thing for me and you. I would get the chance to get my GED at my leisure, instead of wanting to kill myself having to go to school and deal with a bunch of idiots who ******** each other one day, and then the next never want to see each other again.
Jer: I know I'm not perfect, but goddamnit you could've at least given me the chance to set things right.
Chels: Goddamnit Jer, what the ******** did you want me to do? Tell me, because I didn't see any other option at the time! What did you want me to do, tell you about Michael? What would you have done then? You would have never been able to look at me again, and I wouldn't have been able to stand it, so the only option I saw was to hide it from you.
Jer: You don't know that because you didn't even consider it. Instead, you hid it from me like a ******** child. Apparently we weren't meant for each other in the first place, because I'd much rather find out from you immediately following than almost a year later in some pretentious letter which opened up an emotional scar that hadn't even been given the chance to heal. ********, it's like every time I'm finally done with you, you come back and you kick me in the balls, and I can't sleep for a week each time. You're going to be the death of me whether you like it or not, and I promise it won't be a fun time when I'm lying in my death bed. For
anyone.
Jer: What did you think, anyway? That when we finally had sex I wouldn't be able to tell if you were a virgin? Was that in the back of your mind from the moment it happened?
She signed off about 45 seconds later, saying she'd be back shortly, and that we'd finish this conversation. Make of it what you will. Slow-clap if you like. In any case, I'll probably be awake for quite a while, so IM me if you think you can offer any shred of sanity to my shell.
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