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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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 Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2025 10:15 am
  
It wasn't just annoyance that got Samuel to this point, though it was a leading emotion. He didn't think they would be having a conversation here of all places; in his car at a gas station parking lot. But they were and despite the odd location, Samuel didn't want to stop it. There were things needed to be said and why shouldn't now be as good a time as any to say them. He understood that Micha liked to keep things to himself, but it was hard for Samuel. He hated never knowing if or when he was going to come back, or if he was even going to tell him anything that he had been feeling.
Samuel listened as the male spoke whilst putting down his cigarette. When it was his turn, he was honest. Probably the most honest he had been all day. A silence started to creep in as he spoke the last word and he worried that was it. As much as he wanted to, he didn't rush Micha for an answer. Rushing wouldn't help them. Samuel couldn't say that he was surprised by Micha's next question. "I don't know." he breathed, shaking his head lightly. "I can't force you to stay, I can't force you do something you don't want to...and I don't know if letting you have your space is helping much either cause then we just find something else to fight about and we're right back here with me taking you home." He looked away as he spoke. He could feel his heart racing and he worried he might just start crying out of pure frustration. He knew they loved one another, there was no doubt in that. But was he hurting Micha by simply being with him.
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Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2025 4:02 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2025 5:38 pm
Indeed, they hadn't been talking at home so why not a lot. They barely talked in the pool and even less in his room. So if out in public was what got them to open up then he was willing to try it. As they spoke, Samuel was honest though he wasn't too clear on what he wanted, as his wants were conflicting. He didn't know if Micha would understand what it was that he was trying to say. His main focus was on their fighting and being pushed aside and how tired he was of it. He was so frustrated he could cry, but he wouldn't. Not yet anyway. As Samuel vented his frustrations, Micha listened and questioned him again.
He shook his head. "No." That wasn't what he wanted. Never, in a million years did he want Micha to be one of those people. The kind that would cry in hysterics or get wildly upset when they were apart. No, he had loved how independent Micha was, and that they could lead their own lived. But if they just separate on normal terms, that was all he was asking. "I'm saying that I can count on one hand how many times I've taken you home from a date. That we did the wholesome kiss goodnight, say I love you, and end with a call or text when I got back home. Whereas the times I've driven you after a fight, or you took yourself home...I've lost count. We're always fighting or disagreeing, or sometimes I don't even know what it is. Do I just not make you happy?" His throat began to sting as he spoke. He knew he was starting to get emotional, and it hurt him to hold back. He didn't want Micha to see him upset, but with nowhere to hide he had no choice. They had asked each other similar questions not too long ago, but already he felt like he needed to ask him again.
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Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2025 7:42 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Jan 19, 2025 9:42 pm
Samuel didn't think that Micha was trying to purposefully hurt him. But whether he knew it or not, he was. Every time they fought, he felt like a failure. It was like nothing he did or said made anything better. He felt lost and didn't know what to do. The one person he thought would have the answer was the same person that wanted to get away from him. Was he so loathsome to be around? The more Samuel spoke, the more he could feel himself begin to crack. His heart ached and there was nothing to do to stop it. He worried he was letting Micha down with his weakness.
His next question was painful, but a necessary nonetheless. He needed to know if was truly capable of making him happy. Or if was it all of this was just a waste of time. Samuel watched the male shake his head before he spoke, his words bringing tears to his eyes. His jaw tightened as did his throat when he tried to swallow. Glancing away, Samuel tried to hide the fact that he was crying. He believed Micha, he believed… no, he knew what he was saying to be true. Sniffling softly, Samuel swiped away tears. "Why is everything so hard? Why can't we just be happy?" he asked. "Instead I feel like I'm stuck watching you walk away over, and over, and over again...it's never ending."
Reaching up, Samuel covered his face with his hands, no long able to hold back the tears. He hated these feelings and questioning everything. It made him feel as though he were ruining all that they held dear. How he wished they were still back in his room, his bed. Where he could hold on to Micha until the feeling had passed , kiss him until the hurt was gone, and then maybe after some rest they could carry on like normal.
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 2:05 am
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 3:28 am
A break-up was the last thing that Samuel wanted. He too wished that Micha had more answers, or anything to stop making him feel so helpless. Every fight was so disheartening. He felt like he must be a bad boyfriend or just someone terribly hard to get along with if Micha had to get away from almost daily. He didn’t know what to do or how change to make things better for them. It wasn’t often that Samuel got upset like this, he was always looking towards the future and some sort of solution. But the future he’d imagined for them, it felt as though it were slipping through his fingers, and being carried off by the wind.
Samuel tried his best to hide his shame as he spoke. He didn’t really expect much of an answer. He didn’t think there was one. Big, fat tears slid down his cheeks and Samuel turned his face to hide. Even though he never said he was breaking up with Micha, he worried that he should. That Micha should be given the opportunity to be with someone more compatible with him, that didn’t cause him problems, or make him cry or feel uncomfortable. The thought of giving him up only upset him more.
As he sat there crying like a child, he felt the car moving slightly and the sudden weight in his lap. He didn’t need to look to know that it was Micha. He could smell the scent of his soap, his skin as he wrapped his arms around his neck. Sniffling, Samuel wrapped his arms around Micha’s waist, and buried his face in the crook of his neck. He didn’t care if others saw them, he needed this now more than ever. His face contorted with pain as he sobbed softly. He didn’t know how long he had been carrying this weight, these fears. Perhaps they had been there all along, just another thing he had left go unsaid and allowed to fester until now.
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 2:18 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 3:18 pm
He'd never say that Micha was a s**t boyfriend. He might act a little bratty from time to time, but he never once hated him. How could he when after all the fights, squabbles, and everything in between he still loved him. He still wanted so desperately to be with him. He wanted that future they had talked about, but worried it might be impossible. He feared that one day Micha might get bored of him, get tired of the fighting, and the insecurity.
As the man came into his lap, Samuel was quick to latch on. He needed the embrace just as much as Micha did. He soon buried his head while he let out painful sobs. His shoulder shook and with every breath his nose would sniffle. It was very likely he was making a terrible mess of the man's shirt. Samuel let out all of his grievances that he had been holding back for months. Fears of breaking up, fears of failure, the pain of losing Micha, the pain he felt every time they fought or he was messing up, when he was pushed away, even some lingering pains from the first time they were together. It was all still there as he balled. Samuel knew at some point he was likely going to have to discuss the cause of all this. He wasn't looking forward to it. But if he wanted to keep Micha, he would have to.
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 4:07 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 4:55 pm
Samuel wasn't sure what sort changes Micha had in mind. He didn't like the idea of him changing too much. His silly fears liked to say that he wouldn't be the same if he did. But, perhaps change was the only option if they were to remain together. He still wanted that future, their home, his studio, a marriage, a shared pet, all of it. He wanted all of it and with only one person, no one else. He couldn't stand the thought of breaking up with him again, not after just getting him back.
It had been a long time since Samuel had cried like this. He wasn't sure he even cried this much when they broke up. Or maybe he did and he had just blocked it from his memory. Somewhere in his balling, he felt Micha's fingers into his hair. The soft touch was a welcome one, this too Samuel had not realized how much was needed. Though he cried a bit longer, he did begin to calm down. Slowly, the minutes passed while Samuel clung to Micha. His trembles began to lessen and his cries of pain turned to soften whimpers and hiccups. He turned his head slightly so as not to cough on Micha.
He wouldn't say he felt better after so much crying, just embarrassed. He never wanted Micha to see him like this, and now that he had he could only imagine what he must be thinking. As his breathing slowly returned to normal Samuel continued to cling. He closed his eyes while Micha stroked his hair, and breathed in his scent. He never wanted to let go or move from this spot.
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 6:19 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2025 7:14 pm
While Samuel wasn't always big on change, it was going to have to happen one way or another to get what they both wanted. He understood that it might take some getting used to, and hopefully this new Micha wouldn't be too different from the one that he loved so dearly. However, it probably wasn't just Micha that would need to change. He was sure there were things about himself that needed to be changed as well. Although he was already trying to be open and honest with Micha, he wasn't sure what else there was about himself that could changed to make things better.
With Micha's care and comfort, he was slowly able to calm down. Several minutes had passed before the tears slowed and his breath came back to normal. Still, he wasn't ready to let go. He felt a lot like a child in wanting to hide and not talk about what had just happened. He doubted Micha would give him such an option, at least not for very long. Leaning against the male, he soon felt Micha pull back from him. Samuel said nothing as he allowed him to wipe his tear stained face and kiss his cheeks. He was sure he was quite the vision with his flushed face, red eyes, and pouty lips. He hadn't expected a kiss to the lips but didn't deny him either. Samuel softly kissed him back before pulling back. He raised his eyes slowly to meet the man's gaze. His throat still felt a little tight, so he wasn't sure how much speaking he could do just yet. But he would try, for Micha.
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Posted: Tue Jan 21, 2025 5:17 am
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Tue Jan 21, 2025 1:30 pm
Holding on to the man, Samuel was reluctant to let go. He was still feeling a little numb and did not wish to be parted just yet. The idea of talking did not sound appealing although he was sure that Micha would want him to say something. Even if it was just something small. He soon returned the kiss that was given to him then lean back against the seat with a heavy sigh. He felt tired, like he could easily fall asleep. But he knew that wasn't possible, they were still out in public, and needed to figure out what they were going to do. Was he still taking Micha home, would he come back to his house? He couldn't blame the man if he still wanted to go home and be by himself. That was normal, that was what normal couples did. So why did he want to cling to him like some annoying pest and forget any of this just happened.
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