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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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 Posted: Wed Dec 18, 2024 8:08 am
  
Samuel loved Micha more than anyone else he had ever known. It pained him to think that he might be a burden to him, or vice versa. Their relationship was in no shape perfect, but it had its' moments. He knew somewhere deep down that Micha didn't believe in his love for him he never would have come back. He had to wonder just what all went on in Germany, what was he not telling him. Samuel didn't want to force him, but there was clearly something eating at him.
Taking Micha's other hand, Samuel assured him that he was not a hinderance. He didn't think he was stupid for being so insecure. It happens, sometimes to the best of people. As he spoke, he couldn't help questioning Micha in return. It was something he often thought about, and like Micha, worried it might be true. Across from him, the male shook his head as he at last looked back up. Samuel felt a bit of relief but worried that there was more. He could see it, there in his eyes, something was troubling him.
Samuel never expected anything from Micha. He understood how their backgrounds differed as well as their social standings. He hardly cared about such things. If he wanted someone rich or famous or both he could have done that by now. But he didn't, he wanted Micha just as he was. Sitting on pins and needles for an answer, he was soon given it. For a fleeting moment he was glad to hear that he made him happy, but it quickly vanished as he continued. Samuel said nothing as he allowed Micha to tell him what scared him. Some of it, he could understand as they reflected his own fears. But the last part...he wasn't sure what to make of that. Was it something to do with his drinking or was there something else he wasn't telling him.
"It's okay to be scared." he said gently. "But, I'm not...I'm not going to leave you. That's not going to happen. I'm not holding you to any kind of standard. I grew up with all kinds of expectations and...they sucked. I don't need a partner that's pretty, and perfect, was valedictorian, and can play six instruments while speaking twelve languages. That stuffs not important." He paused a moment as he squeezed his hands again. This time it was more for himself than for Micha. Samuel took another breath before looking back at the male. "Tell me about your self destruction...what did you mean?"
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Posted: Thu Dec 19, 2024 12:36 am
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Thu Dec 19, 2024 4:09 am
When talking about standards he was mostly referring to the kind of woman his parents had wanted him to be with. Samuel was unsure if his sister-in-laws were able to live up to such a standard, but he knew that they were both accomplished in their own rights. Listening to the male speak, he hadn't meant to be funny, but was amused Micha's own take on them. He smirked as he was teased and playfully rolled his eyes. "Like you're not the prettiest one in the room." he teased back. "Also, what was the fourth language again? English, Deutsch, русский язык, and what else?"
Samuel remembered the last time they talked about standards, it was before they were even dating. Back then, Micha had not taken his comments nearly as well. The fact that he could joke about it now made him feel a little better. However, the conversation wasn't over yet. Samuel wanted to know what he meant about his behavior. What had Micha done and should he be worried. As he squeezed his hand, he heard him sigh. He was patient as the male recounted what had happened when he left his room that night. Samuel always assumed he had left Paris, but he didn't know the details. Until now, Micha had been very tight lipped about the days that followed. He was surprised to learn that he had been able to pack all of his things and put his house on the market so quickly. It was no wonder he wasn't able to find him.
He quietly nodded his head to show that he was paying attention. He didn't want to interrupt him as it was obvious there was more. A moment passed Micha composed himself. He soon started again, telling him about his art, and trying to stay business. It sounded all too familiar as Samuel had done the same thing. He had wanted to do anything and everything in order to keep himself thinking about the big, terrible thing that had happened. Listening to Micha talk his sank as he described his drinking habits. Samuel always knew that Micha was a bit more of a drinker compared to himself but he didn't think too much of it.
By the he finished, he didn't know what to say. He sat there staring as Micha turned his head away in shame. He was still holding on to his hands. He was afraid if he let go the man might bolt. "Why?" he breathed. "Why, why, why would you do that?" Swallowing hard, Samuel stared down at the man. He couldn't understand why he would do something like that. He knew it hurt, but to try to kill himself? Over him...of all people. He swallowed again as if it that were the only way to fight back his emotions. He wasn't sure if wanted to cry for Micha or yell at him for doing something so reckless.
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Posted: Thu Dec 19, 2024 1:58 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Fri Dec 20, 2024 12:40 pm
While he may not have been the biggest fan of his past self, he couldn't deny they wouldn't be here now if not for his antics. How Micha had ever come to love him was a mystery, though he was sure the male probably had similar thoughts at times. As Micha teased him, Samuel was quick to tease him back. Though he needed a little reminder on the languages he spoke. For the most part, they kept their conversations in English, while opting for Russian when it suited them. The other two languages Micha spoke were scarcely used as Samuel was not nearly as fluent. He could use some words and phrases, but he lacked the knowledge for a full engaging conversation. When Micha corrected him, he nodded. "Ah, that's right. I remember now." he replied.
The conversation continued as Micha expressed his own shortcomings. He agreed that it was fair. Not only that, but he had been wondering for some time what he had happened to him after Paris. Where he went, what he did, why his properties had suddenly been put on the market. He had never been able to get in touch with him and so he never got any answers. Hearing how quickly he packed up his life and moved away it all made sense now. Micha had promised him early on that he could make himself disappear. He just hoped he hadn't been serious. As Micha continued with his tale, he was both surprised and saddened to learn that he nearly took his own life. He was at a lose and all he could ask was why.
Samuel stared at him with a pleading look. The moments that passed felt too long and he worried Micha might not answer him at all. When he finally did decide to answer, he raised his head slowly before speaking. Samuel felt the urge to interrupt and tell him how he was wrong. He had never stopped wanting him, and he would always need him. But he kept that piece to himself. Instead, he waited for the male to continue, listening as he sighed. Micha then continued to speak and Samuel felt horrible for making him feel that way. He knew there was no taking back what he did, but he never dreamed that things could be so bad. He sat in silence a moment, as a few unwanted questions entered his brain. He didn't want to ask, but he had to know. "Was that...was that the only time?" he asked slowly. He didn't know how to make it sound any better or pretty, but for his own peace of mind, he wanted to know if that was the only near miss.
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Posted: Sun Dec 22, 2024 6:41 am
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 22, 2024 12:10 pm
Unless Micha was going to start teaching him, he didn't think it would be completely useless. Perhaps if Micha started speaking more German or French around him he might actually be able to pick up something a little more useful other than the standard phrases like "hello", "Thank you", and "where is the train station?". How much use he would get from learning such things outside of talking with Micha though, he couldn't really say. At the moment, he had no plans of traveling internationally. Nor was meeting with anyone that spoke those languages. So for now, it wasn't a terribly high priority.
Samuel tried his best to understand Micha's need to cover up his pain. He understood to a point, it wasn't as though he were completely unfeeling in all of this. But not had Samuel thought about drinking himself into oblivion. As much of a disappointment that he probably was to his family, he didn't want to put the burden on them from finding his body. While Samuel had never seen a corpse before, he had found Micha half dead from his fathers' beatings. He imagined the feeling had to be somewhat the same, only worse.
Answering the males' questions, he couldn't help the way he felt, bringing forth his own sadness and worry. He had to know if this was the only time, that this wasn't something he'd done before or would try again somewhere down the line. He knew they couldn't predict such things to prevent them from happening. But maybe he could...at least a little, try and help. When it was Micha's turn to speak, he was patient. He watched as the male soon nodded his head and looked away. Samuel probably should have felt relief in knowing this was a one and only near miss. He didn't. Releasing his hands, Samuel leaned forward to wrap his arms around his shoulder. He held him a moment in a tight hug. "You can't do that again." he said softly. "Even if there comes a time and we're not together again, you have to take care of yourself."
As much as he hated the idea of them being separated again, he hated the idea of Micha being dead even more. If they broke up again, he didn't want to find out through the grapevine that he had died via alcohol poisoning. Or if not that, than by some other horrible method. Realistically, he knew that there would be nothing he could do to make the pain any better. But if Micha could find some better way to manage, that was all he wanted.
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Posted: Sun Dec 22, 2024 5:01 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 22, 2024 5:53 pm
From the way the male talked it sounded as though the whole event was purely an accident. Still, Samuel couldn't say that he was all that thrilled to learn that Micha would drink so much. He understood being sad and hurt, he also understood that he was the cause for most of that. He wanted to believe that Micha had been stronger than that. After all that he had been through, it felt only right that Micha should have to walk away with his head held high. Unfortunately that wasn't the case.
The topic at hand may not have been a pleasant one, but it was just another conversation they needed to have. Just like with his panic attacks, Samuel was tired of leaving such topics alone only to rot in some dark corner of their minds. If left alone for too much longer he feared they might end up with that fight they'd been trying so hard to avoid. The more they talked, the more worried he grew for Micha. Releasing his hands, he wrapped his arms around him and squeezed tightly. He soon felt Micha's own arms wrap around him. Holding on to him, he spoke softly but seriously. Samuel wasn't a fan of the idea of them breaking up again either, but it needed to be said. Even if by some mystic forces they managed to stay together, there was likely to come a point when one would not be in the others' life, and the same would need to be said.
Samuel continued holding on to Micha, noting how he had not said anything in return. He worried the male might be overthinking his last statement. He probably should not have worded it like that even though he meant it. A few minutes passed and still nothing was said. Turning his head, Samuel pressed a few kisses to his cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, so don't think about it too much." he promised. He held on to the male another minute before pulling back some. His eyes searched his face, wondering once more what he might could do to make the situation a little better.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2025 1:53 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2025 11:18 pm
He understood the feeling like a let down all too well. Samuel knew he shouldn't have let so much time pass, but he did. It was only just hitting him now how hard things truly were for Micha. He would never consider him weak, even after all that he had told him. Samuel knew things were bad, especially on their codependency for one another. Still, he didn't want to think it was so bad that it could lead to such actions. He had thought that Micha would have come out stronger from their break-up. He could have become this hot shot photographer, and put him in his place for ever daring to cheat on him. He supposed those were just idle wishes to make himself feel better.
Hard as it was, it was good that these things were coming out. He was trying his best not to make the same mistakes over and over again by brushing things aside. Kissing and making up was nice and all, but it solved so little for them in the long run. Pulling back, he looked Micha over, wondering if there might be anything else that needed to be discussed. Of course there was. If only all their woes were caused by two problems such as those. But he completely understood if he needed a moment to breath and wanted to take a break from the discussion. Samuel watched as Micha apologized. He nodded in return. "Me too." he replied. "I'm sorry for not talking about all this stuff sooner."
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Posted: Sat Jan 04, 2025 6:58 pm
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sat Jan 04, 2025 8:39 pm
If this fantasy of his somehow did become a reality he didn't know how he might feel. On the one hand Samuel might be proud that Micha had managed to raise himself, both in fame and status. Not only that, but he might be excited to see his work plastered all around the globe, perhaps even a little jealous if that was all the push he needed to be such rounding success. On the other hand, Samuel wondered what his own life might be like in this scenario. He wouldn't blame Micha if he stayed away. After all, he knew they didn't share that much in common, Samuel wasn't the best conversationalist, hard as he tried, and there were definitely some moments in their relationship that he wasn't the nicest toward Micha.
Going over the how's and why's they were attracted to one another in the first place would have a conversation all on its' own. He could certainly save it for another time as he too was feeling the strains of the conversation and didn't want to push anymore. He worried if he did it might only upset Micha more. As the male apologized, Samuel accepted it for what it was. Learning about the extent of Micha's alcoholism and anxiety brought him no joy or pity, but merely to a place of finally understanding. Anxiety and addiction were something he was familiar with and still struggled with as he was sure Micha still struggled with it as well. Samuel returned the apology, still feeling some guilt about waiting so long to be open with him. There were still other matters that they might want to discuss, and it was possible they would be just as hard as this one. Samuel took heart in knowing that, and would think about how to make the discussions easier for them both.
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Posted: Sun Jan 05, 2025 9:19 am
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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Posted: Sun Jan 05, 2025 1:23 pm
Samuel was at a loss for what more he could do to make Micha feel better. He had wanted to talk, so he talked. Now he was worried that he had said too much or perhaps not enough. He didn't want Micha to leave, but knew that he couldn't stop him if he did. If Micha really wanted to go, it was probably better that he just let him. No need to make him angry or cause any unnecessary trouble. Beside him, the male shifted on the bed. Samuel watched him a moment before speaking. "Do you want anything?" he offered. "I could make us some fresh coffee or tea." He knew neither of those things would provide much in the way of comfort, but he was trying. He didn't want Micha to wallow too long or be depressed. At the end of the day, he still loved him and wanted him in his life. Anxiety and all.
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