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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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 Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 12:55 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 2:13 am
  
Talking about his panic attacks was never an easy topic, even in a professional setting. Samuel didn't know if he could explain it well enough for Micha to understand. But he also didn't want to back out of a conversation simply because he was terrible at communicating. As Samuel spoke, he hadn't meant for his words to be funny, but he could see how it might seem as though he were joking. Staying on his side, he watched as Micha shook his head, and listened to him explain himself. He glanced away a moment as he nodded, understanding his meaning. "So...I'm not saying you're wrong cause you're not. Just want to put that out there first." he said, choosing his words slowly. "I think what you're seeing is more of my natural self...umm...fun fact I never told you, but it wasn't long before we met that I was medicated. I used to take 100mg of Zoloft pretty much everyday, for five years straight. And then I just stopped, cold turkey." Looking back towards Micha, he allowed him some time to let that sink in. He worried that Micha might be mad at him. But he supposed he would be mad either way if he didn't answer him as well.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 2:36 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 3:21 am
Medication was not something he was unfamiliar with. In fact, he had been on a few different doses since his first diagnosis for anxiety. Today it was not uncommon or even unheard of for someone to be taking medication for such a thing. There were, of course, some assholes still out there that might judge, and there always would be. As with everything else in life. Samuel had never told Micha about his own need for medication as it didn't seem important at the time. He was unsure how the man might react to such a revelation. Now more than ever, they seemed to have hit some kind of crossroads. One that could either let them continue on with their relationship or another that could end it. In order to avoid such a devastating result, he knew he was going to have to be honest.
Samuel took his time finding the right words. He didn't want to sound as though he were placing blame or any of the events that had happened while they were together was the cause for his decisions. He studied the males' face curiously, noting his surprise as well as some confusion. The question that followed was fair enough. "Hmm...It was maybe a week or so before you started becoming a regular." he replied honestly. "I had finished off another prescription and ran out of refills. My therapist would usually give me a three month supply, but in order to get another one, I would have needed to schedule another appointment. And I really didn't want to schedule another appointment. Because I didn't think I needed another prescription and I didn't really want to see my therapist." Saying it out loud, Samuel knew how dumb and dangerous his choices were. He was lucky a panic attack and a little brain fog was all he got from going cold turkey. He had been warned thoroughly of what might happen if he ever attempted such a thing.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 3:50 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 4:47 am
Indeed something needed to be done, though he didn't know what. Samuel was unsure if the talk was going that well. He was honest and not holding back, but he wasn't sure if this was what Micha wanted to hear. For now, he would let him continue to ask his questions and he would in turn answer them as best as he could. As the next question was asked, Samuel gave his reason for stopping the medication. It was a stupid choice, but one he had chosen to live with. He didn't expect Micha to completely understand, but if he was still lost then he would try even harder to make himself clearer.
They lay there another moment before the male asked his next question. Samuel was amused but did not laugh. Now was not the time for laughter. "I didn't say I didn't think I needed to see my therapist back then. I knew I did. I just didn't want to." he replied with a hint of a smile. He was quick to wipe the look away so not to anger Micha. He didn't want him thinking that he was not taking things seriously, he was. "When I'm getting off around four and five in the morning, I just want to go home. I've probably been up for twelve hours and exhausted every limit of my social battery by then. The last thing I want to think about is how much time it takes to leave the club, get to the city, find a place to park, and pray I even make it on time to a ten-thirty appointment. And that's just to get there. I also have to drive back home, eat, shower, sleep all so I can wake up and start the day over again around four in the afternoon."
Samuel didn't really care that his reason for stopping therapy was born out of laziness. With how hard he worked he thought he deserved it. At least a little bit. He paused a moment to think about the other part of Micha's question. He still hadn't answered it. He knew exactly why he went back, he just didn't want to say it. Swallowing he turned his gaze away once more. "I went back to my therapist because I didn't like who I was becoming when you were gone." he said softly.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 7:57 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 9:06 am
As Samuel talked about his hectic work life and laziness, he felt a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Any other time Samuel would have laughed at his own stupid little joke. But right now he was unsure how serious Micha was and didn't want to risk making him mad again. He understood that he wanted answers about his behavior and so he was trying his best to let him understand. To Samuel, it didn't seem all that hard or confusing, but still the questions came. He didn't mind if that was what it took for Micha to see his side.
Thinking about the other part of his question, he took a moment to consider his words. He couldn't help looking away. It wasn't a happy memory when he recalled himself from that time. Like Micha, Samuel had been unhappy with their separation. But he hadn't said to what extent. Beside him, Micha shifted again causing the bed to rock as he moved into a seated position. He didn't mind the male's weight against him, in fact it was quite comfortable. Samuel looked over at Micha as he questioned him, wanting to understand better. "Someone who was deeply depressed, had misplaced anger, smoked way too much, overworked...and only came out to get his family to stop talking about a wedding." he replied. If Micha needed him to go into more detail, he would. Though he was mostly worried about the last part of his statement. He knew how much his being in the closet had affected Micha.
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 9:31 am
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 10:09 am
Thinking about his past self, he barely even recognized him. Samuel hated that version. He hated knowing that he was the cause of that version. It was something that he had had to live with. Only he had done it badly and pathetically that he knew eventually he needed to get back the support he had long abandoned. It had not been easy going back to his therapist and explaining his long absence followed by his reason for coming back. He didn't like explaining his mistakes or admitting his self destructive tendencies. Samuel may not have landed himself in the hospital, but if he had kept on as he had he probably would have.
As they reminisced about the past, it was almost hard to believe he had gotten to a place so low considering where they had started. Samuel wasn't much of a fan of that version of himself either. Looking back, he disliked his own cocky attitude and how hard he tried to get into Micha's good graces without first knowing him. To this day he was baffled by the turn of events and how things came between them. So many ups and downs and up again before it all came crashing down around them. Samuel liked to think that they had done some growing up since then. Some of it good, some of it not so much. But they definitely were not the same people they were back then and that had to count for something.
As Micha sat beside him, Samuel explained the miserable person he had become in his absense. He had still been lingering the night Micha showed up in his office. To think he had almost let him get away again. Samuel wouldn't have been able to forgive himself if he did. When he finished speaking he worried how Micha might respond. To his surprise, the man remained silent. Whether that was good or bad, he did not know. Samuel turned his towards Micha, studying him curiously. Shifting beneath Micha, he moved into a sitting position. "No comeback?" he asked curiously. "I thought you would have had more questions."
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 6:10 pm
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Posted: Tue Dec 17, 2024 7:42 pm
How Micha had come to like his past self was beyond him. Personally Samuel thought he come off too strong and perhaps a little needy, even back then. As much as he disliked that version of himself he supposed he couldn’t complain too much. They may not have gotten nearly as far if not for his initial pestering. Though if he could there were a few things he would like to have changed.
Samuel did not fault Micha for pushing him away. He knew it to be some kind of defense. As the silence between them started to grow again, Samuel shifted in the bed. He sat up as he questioned him. Beside him, Micha sat up as well and smiled towards him. He allowed the man to take his hand as he listened to his reason for the sudden silence. Smiling back at him, Samuel lightly squeezed his hand. ”I appreciate it, but your questions weren’t annoying. I can’t say that I blame you for wanting to know more about my weird behavior.” He replied.
Beside him, Micha continued to question him. He found the next one to be reasonable. Though he also noticed that the way that Micha was choosing his words carefully, which made him curious. ” I think it’s helped a lot more than I care to admit… I’ve managed to cut back on my smoking, I’m not spending days on end at the club, or neglecting the most basic necessities.” he replied honestly. ” I haven’t decided if I want to go back on my medication. I think for the most part I can function well enough without it. There’s also a few side effects that I don’t miss, like the brain fog or the trouble sleeping…but I do recognize the parts that helped as well. As for being happy…compared to back then, I would say it’s a vast improvement. You wouldn’t have liked me this time last year.”
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Dec 18, 2024 2:26 am
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Posted: Wed Dec 18, 2024 3:42 am
Talking so openly was out of character for him. Even in some of his therapy sessions he had not been so forthcoming. However, he didn’t want to keep anymore secrets from Micha. He was tired of skirting around their issues instead of being honest with him. Samuel worried about what kind of future they might have if they kept on like this. He didn’t want to keep having the same problems over and over again simply because someone wanted to avoid a fight. It just wasn’t working.
Squeezing the male’s hand, he reassured him that he wasn’t annoyed. The questions he had were fairly simple and straightforward. It reminded him of the kind of questions his therapist might ask. And luckily, or perhaps unlucky, for Samuel, therapy was nothing new. His mother had felt they all could benefit from some family therapy when he was still a child. From then on he had been in and out of therapy sessions throughout his formative years and into adulthood. The only thing that really changed was the frequency.
As Samuel answered Micha’s question he watched him nod. It made him curious to know just how long Micha had been wanting to ask him these things. He also wondered if he might be able to ask him any questions in return. Micha still had not answered the question that started this whole conversation. He understood if he was not feeling up to it right now. They could easily take a break from all these questions and talk about something else.
It seemed as though the man was not done yet. He watched as he stared down at their hands as he asked his next question.Samuel was surprised by his words. Had he really made him feel that inadequate, or where was this coming from. If anyone ought to be asking such things, it felt like it should be Samuel. He was the one who bombarded his way into Micha’s life, pestered him for dates, and caused him all sorts of trouble while they dated only to end up cheating on him. Samuel was grateful to have him back in his life, to still love him even after that he put him through.
Reaching out, Samuel took hold of his other hand. ” You’re not a hindrance.” He said, softly. ” You drive me nuts sometimes, but I never stop loving you. ..Do I…not make you happy?”
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Pure Acid Dreamer Captain
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xDarkWinterx Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Dec 18, 2024 6:23 am
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