Welcome to Gaia! ::

The loss of an office is not the loss of your ability to help and to make others happy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have not and will never hold that office but I pour my heart into GCS because I LOVE it, because I love the people here, and the guild itself. GCS is not about any one person, its about the combination of ALL of us. Its the result of a group of people coming together, united by a common interest. I would already count you a friend, if you would let me, but nobody can BE a friend to you if you run.

....

You know. You sound like me in many ways.
I used to love the guild, the people here, and the GCS itself as well.
And I still do. Which is why I have returned.
It is surely not about one person, but us all as a group.
Though one person holds the ultimate dicition of things, and that person do not trust me anymore than any of the newly arrived supporters.
I do not... run.
As you can see, I am here once again..

When you feel that doubt again, look back at this conversation. Look at it and realize that if you were not loved and wanted here, that people would not have fought to get you to remain with us. This is not something I often do, as I feel people will make their own choices regardless of what I say. But I see in you someone worth fighting for. Don't look any longer at what you don't have, look now at what you DO have.

I'm.. very honored to know that.

Though I'm very sorry to tell you, but I am unable to see what I still have..

Let me share with you a little something about pain. About knowing what it feels like to hurt. If the loss of a title seems so much to carry, let me show you what life can really do to a person. This is what made me who I am today:


While we are sharing, I will tell you all the pain I carry. I do it only to have you all know why I am who I am, why people are so stunned when I continue to shoulder more and more and more. So its story time boys and girls.


Our tale begins at the end of 2000. At that time I was offered a job that would have solved my financial problems forever. We are deeply in debt, and I was sure I had found the answer. My husband's cousin told me she could get me in as a Pharmacy technician where she worked. It paid $15 an hour. To make a long story short it never happened. When I came to the realization that it was never happening something snapped, I couldn't cope with feeling like I failed my family. Within days I had my first anxiety attack.

I had been at work that night, and I started to feel very sick and dizzy, and I got up and left in the middle of my shift. By the time I got to the car I was shaking, I was terrified, I had no idea what was happening. My arms and legs were like rubber. By the time I was halfway home I could not draw a breath, my heart was racing, I was pouring sweat, I could not move my arms and legs, and I was certain I was going to die. I made it home that night but it scared me so badly that I ran to the doctor the next morning. Being the doctor the first thing they wanted to do was drug me. I took the prescription and filled it, and I sat there looking at the pill in my hand but I couldn't do it. Something in my head was SCREAMING at me DON'T DO IT!!!! I found out a week later I was pregnant with my 2nd baby and if I had swallowed that pill it would have killed her. The realization that I had come within one glass of water from killing my child sent me over the edge.

The anxiety disorder and depression worsened, and there was NO WAY I was going back to the doctor. About 6 months after the baby was born the next blow came. Hubby and I had her out somewhere with us, and we were hurrying home because I had to work that day. (I work at home) When we got there I was already late so I ran into the house to start work. About a half hour later my husband came into the room and asked me where the baby was. It was about 90 degrees that day, and we had left her in the car, each of us believing the other had her. When we got to her she was limp and covered with sweat, and I thought she was dead. She was ok that day but I never will be. I almost killed my baby. The anxiety attacks were coming several a day by this time. The depression was almost unbearable. But still I hung on. Over the course of the next 2 years (2003 and 2004) I gave birth to my 2 sons. Now I had post partum depression on my plate as well. But the worst was still yet to come. I will present those events in the form of a conversation with one of my best friends, shared here with his permission.

[13:24] Kurama99: I don't know if I told you about what happened with my husband's family last year, the events that almost killed me
[13:27] ninetails_kitsune: *shakes his head* I don't believe so.
[13:30] Kurama99: well, basically, his cousin got us so wrapped up in a web of lies that we were stuck there. We never even THOUGHT to accuse her of lying because we thought" Who would make UP things like this". It all started in the summer of 04. Brad's aunt and cousin called us and asked to come and spend some time at our house. They said something about the phone was broken, and the phone company was going to be working outside their house all day and they didn't really want to be home. I was DELIGHTED, because the kids loved them, and it was SO nice to have some extra hands in the house
[13:31] Kurama99: But it started to happen more and more, and things became more complicated and frightening. At this time I was already suffering from major depression and my anxiety disorder was already there
[13:33] Kurama99: One day they called us, and told us that someone had been arrested on their property, trying to get into the house. We got really scared, because our kids had been at their house that night for a sleepover. They told us that someone had stolen some checks from somewhere they had made a purchase, and that these people intended to stop them from testifying in court
[13:34] Kurama99: So we told them to just spend as much time at our house as they could so they weren't in danger. We were so scared something would happen to them. We started looking over our shoulders everywhere we went, always taking different ways into the neighborhood because we were afraid someone would follow us. I lived in CONSTANT fear, which it doesn't take to much to figure out, is HELL for an anxiety disorder patient
[13:35] Kurama99: The story became more and more elaborate, soon we were told there were detectives watching their house, in an attempt to catch all these criminals that were supposedly lurking around the neighborhood
[13:38] ninetails_kitsune: And they made all of this up?!
[13:38] ninetails_kitsune: That's pretty weird...
[13:38] Kurama99: They told us the detectives wanted them out of the house, so that they could have people inside to watch for the criminals. By now this was already taking a toll on me, I was scared to even go outside anymore, or to let my kids play outside. But the tighter the web was woven around us the less we thought to question it. It was just too outlandish to think someone would be making it up. Then finally in January of 05, they lost their house. They had gone bankrupt.
[13:39] Kurama99: His cousin had quit her job in October or November, although we now think she was fired for lying that way at work as well
[13:40] Kurama99: her mother was on disability, she had open sores on her feet because she was diabetic. Lori WAS their income. She was making $15 an hour as a pharmacy technician
[13:41] Kurama99: So anyway, they lost the house. They went home one evening to feed their cats, and found that the ENTIRE HOUSE, was turned inside out, everything they owned in this WORLD, was out on the front lawn in one enormous heap. I had never seen anything like it in my LIFE.
[13:42] Kurama99: But still the lies continued. Lori told us that we couldn't go save their stuff, she said that the detectives told them not to, that they could be arrested because the house had been repossessed
[13:43] Kurama99: Conveniently enough, these "detectives" were from one county over, where the "theft" had supposedly ocurred. This had to be because my husband works for the county here, and he is on a first name basis with most of the police force, all of the detectives and so on
[13:45] ninetails_kitsune: Yeesh..
[13:45] Kurama99: But the plot thickened again. Karen (the aunt) said they were going to sue the bank because they were not supposed to be able to sieze the house within 6 months of filing bankruptcy. The house was supposed to be safe from that. Then soon they were naming all KINDS of people in the "lawsuits", the detectives who were supposed to be watching the house, the bank, the mortgage company, there were numbers in the millions flying around
[13:45] ninetails_kitsune: There are some crazy people in this world. *shakes his head*
[13:46] Kurama99: We of course took them in, let them move in with us. It was supposed to be for a few days, till they figured out where they could go, but it turned into six months in hell for me
[13:47] Kurama99: Day after day went by, being promised that they were getting settlement money and would soon be out. Lori claimed she was doing paperwork online for a doctor who is a friend of the family. But somehow mysteriously she never got paid. There was always a reason
[13:48] Kurama99: Day after day we were told of this or that crisis that stopped them from meeting the "lawyers" who were working on their "case".
[13:48] Kurama99: Medical emergencies, accidents, tragedies, deaths, all sorts of things we were told that were too horrible NOT to believe
[13:49] Kurama99: Every day was more and more drama, and during all this my depression and anxiety deepened to the point that the anxiety attacks and breakdowns were coming every day, sometimes several a day
[13:50] Kurama99: But worse than even the drama was that they started to abuse ME
[13:51] ninetails_kitsune: Christ... I'd have strangled these people.
[13:51] Kurama99: They weren't paying a dime to support themselves, did nothing but sat around watching soap operas, or spending days out shopping while "waiting for the lawyers." When they were here they wouldn't help with the kids, wouldnt do ANYTHING. But if I sat down, if I tried to rest even for a minute they yelled at me "LISA!! DO something about these KIDS!! We need a BREAK!!"
[13:52] Kurama99: I was too depressed to fight back, I knew Brad and his mom wouldn't believe me, so I never even tried to tell them what they were doing to me
[13:53] Kurama99: The lies continued to fly, the most horrible being what they did to my children
[13:54] Kurama99: They told us that the lawyers had gotten us a trip to Disney World for a week, all expenses paid. Lori would be on the phone with someone, and keep telling us we were getting more and more things on this trip. We of course all took time off work, everything. The kids were ecstatic
[13:55] Kurama99: It was all a lie...
[13:56] ninetails_kitsune: How do they even look in a mirror?
[13:56] ninetails_kitsune: That's rediculous.
[13:56] Kurama99: What finally got rid of them was when Lori took 2 of our credit cards and did $5000 in damage between them and our home phone bill
[13:56] Kurama99: She was charging hundreds of dollars at a time for cell phone time, and then calling Canada on our home phone
[13:57] Kurama99: When our credit cards were suddenly over the limit, and we realized what had happened, Brad went to work and began to investigate the way he does any criminal case he works
[13:58] Kurama99: he unravelled it all one piece at a time
[13:59] Kurama99: We called the police on Lori, for credit card fraud, but it took almost a week before they came to get her. That week almost cost me my LIFE. Every time I saw her face I KNWE waht she had done to us, that she had ruined us, ruined ME, and my anxiety disorder was so far out of control I wasn't functioning. I lost 12 pounds that week, I was suicidal, I had given up, and I was waiting to die, I WANTED to die.
[14:00] Kurama99: The night they came and arrested Lori, her mom of course bailed her right back out, and so we had to spend another 2 days while they got the hell out of our house and our lives
[14:00] ninetails_kitsune: *shakes his head*
[14:00] Kurama99: They abandoned their 7 cats here too
[14:01] Kurama99: Our house smelled so badly of cat pee and smoke it was enough to make your eyes burn
[14:02] Kurama99: I spent around 8 hours straight cleaning the house up after, washing them out of my life
[14:03] ninetails_kitsune: o__o;;
[14:03] ninetails_kitsune: I hope you never see those two again.
[14:03] Kurama99: I hurt myself badly shampooing the carpets and mopping and scrubbing, but I HAD to do it. Miguel was there too, helping me. But when the time came we were down to the last job, mopping the kitchen floor, he knew he had to let me do it. I was barely able to walk, I was pouring sweat, I was exhausted, but he was a good enough friend that he stood there and let me do it
[14:04] Kurama99: He knew that it was more than cleaning a floor, he knew that it was the last vestige of those people in my house, and that by being the one to make it go away, I could have closure
[14:05] Kurama99: Those people were the last family besides his mother that my husband had left in this world, and now its only his mother. Their betrayal hurt him horribly
[14:09] Kurama99: Once we realized that Lori was a pathological liar, we saw more and more of the impact of what she had done. I went into her chat logs and found all the lies she told online, including using pictures of MY CHILDREN, and telling people they were hers. She told people she was raped, that she was married, that she was dying, she told them her "daughter" had been raped and was dying, it was always medical emergencies
[14:10] Kurama99: When they arrested Lori, and Karen found out I had gone into her chat logs, she tried to make it all MY FAULT
[14:11] ninetails_kitsune: That's.. insane.
[14:12] Kurama99: I screamed at her, I let go of a years worth of rage on her. I was shaking so hard I nearly fainted when I was done, but I screamed at her "HOW DARE YOU!! How DARE you try to put this on me?!?!"
[14:13] Kurama99: Then I went to my room and I called Miguel, and he helped me calm down so that I didn't lose consciousness
[14:18] ninetails_kitsune: I'm glad he was there for you. ^^;
[14:22] Kurama99: me too, he saved my life really, because it was talking to him that got me well enough to eat again
[14:47] ninetails_kitsune: *is grateful to him* icon_crying.gif Just even thinking of not being able to have met you makes me sad. x_x;;
[14:48] Kurama99: But it was facing that pain that woke up my gift as strong as it is now. It made me who I am

Following that I found Gaia, and it saved me. I met the people who broke that depression and went on to become KEST. That my friends, is the meaning of pain, and a lesson in not giving up, no matter HOW hard things get. Perhaps in perspective of what I carry in my heart you can now see why I do not tolerate self-pity and wallowing in one's pain.