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 Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:11 am
I was just looking through some old stuff involving what I used to be like and how people would react, and I realized it upsets me when people nowadays don't believe me about it...it's like I've got this truth inside of me that I want to get out, but since nobody believes it, it's trapped in there and it's all deep and dark. But at this point, I'm starting to believe the only way to convince people is to turn back into that person, and I've worked too hard to change the way I come off...I doubt I'd be able to tear away the layers I've built up to cover my real personality, even if I tried. I'm just too unwilling to show it.
Alternatively, I could go find some of my old posts and show them off, but the rare few I've found are painful enough to look at. >_< I couldn't bring myself to go get more. And those are mostly people reacting, so I can't really use those because it could just look like they were being bitchy. I don't want to be all like...well, I don't want to be annoying about it, nor do I particularly want people to know just what kind of person I was am, but it's tearing me up inside for nobody to know about it. I feel like I do when I've got something big weighing me down that I need to tell someone to feel better about it, but nobody believes me.
I know this should be a good thing (if I've progressed so far and learned to hide it so well that nobody can imagine me as that person anymore), but...I can't think of it that way when it's trapped inside like this. All I can think about is getting it out. I do worry that people will be driven away if they do come to understand, but how can I know for sure whether that will happen if I can't get anyone to understand?
Am I really that unconvincing as an obnoxious little brat? See, people's reactions to me in the past, before I realized that what they were saying was true and started making an effort to change my projected self, have sort of made that impossible for me to believe. One doesn't just go from a near-universal response of "YES, [KESTIN]'S FINALLY GONE!!!" (that's verbatim, other than the username) to being well-liked in less than four years. Maybe well-tolerated...that's the most I can really comprehend.
I guess it's sort of ironic, how nobody believes that I used to be something, and I can't force myself to believe that maybe I'm not anymore.
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:27 am
I wasn't able to get exams today. sad
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 3:47 am
I'm ******** panicking. I'm very ******** tempted to just quit everything and hide away. I got hit hard with nostalgia really bad earlier and started ******** crying. I'm scared to talk with anyone about it.. The least I want to do is cause more ******** drama by missing things I used to do and being scared to start doing them again. I messed up the first time, how can I know I won't mess up again? I don't want to hurt anyone again. I feel really bad for doing so in the first place and really don't want to put her through something like that again.
I still hate myself due to that incident, even now. It seems the person I hurt has forgiven me, at least a bit, but I haven't personally talked to her since then, one on one. I wish I could, but I'm scared to. I'm afraid of what I might say or do. I really wish I was more confident in myself and didn't hate myself as much.
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:30 am
PAGE 50! And I is here taking over your guild while you sleep, seriously. If it weren't for Arc I'd be going a little mad(der) right now
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:43 am
It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 10:47 am
Little Miss Fortune It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:10 am
Ashno Little Miss Fortune It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying What happen to her? o.O
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:13 am
That one night Ashno Little Miss Fortune It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying What happen to her? o.O She's been in Iraq
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:15 am
Ashno That one night Ashno Little Miss Fortune It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying What happen to her? o.O She's been in Iraq Military?
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:26 am
That one night Ashno That one night Ashno Little Miss Fortune It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying What happen to her? o.O She's been in Iraq Military? yep
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 11:37 am
I ve become addicted to making horribly weird doodles
@LMF&Ashno- I thought she was moved ;o;
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 1:06 pm
Ashno That one night Ashno That one night Ashno Little Miss Fortune It's been almost five months. I get so worried whenever I'm reminded of her. I think about her all the time. I try so hard not to think about what could be happening to her right now... crying What happen to her? o.O She's been in Iraq Military? yep Minister Mittens...
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 2:31 pm
o.o <<<<< that is all
Cows got loose today /many many cows o.o
I m starting to think farmers are evil
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:25 pm
I keep misreading the gaia exchange as a the gaia sexchange gonk
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Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 4:29 pm
Kamilio I keep misreading the gaia exchange as a the gaia sexchange gonk
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