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 Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 4:12 pm
((I am usurping Kurai's format, as we should go according to this rubric for primary rating. 3nodding Also, if any of my comments and/or grades seem harsh, I apologize. It depends on perspective, since others may grade a test entry differently than myself.))
Jack
Length and Pacing: Your length was average, I almost felt that it was a bit too short in my opinion. It could have been longer, but it was acceptable. Towards the beginning, things were nicely paced, but I felt that the end of your post was abrupt. You just skipped through the monster's death, not really showing whether it fell or wallowed in pain (though I know that you did mention it yelling). So, certain things could have been worked on in terms of conclusive pacing and length. But other than that, this was still alright. 3nodding
Grammar: There were quite a few grammatical errors. Now, I was counting more for each separate mistake in each sentence, not a repetition of a single error in one phrase. Such as your second sentence, that counted as two errors, for the lack of capitalization of the first "c", and a lack of a period, or some punctuation mark at the end of the sentence. There were misspellings, but more so, a lack of capitalization was the most common error. Mainly for Jack's name, from what I had seen.
Personality: You did keep us posted with how he felt and how he thought. your first sentence really presented his fright, and kept me guessing as to what you were fighting. So I was pleased with that, despite the conciseness of your post. There could have been a bit more mental calculating, when using the boulder, but I still felt that you did well in this case. 3nodding
Use of Environment: You didn't describe the field all that well, though we knew of the sandy and slightly rocky terrain. But if you were going for something along the lines of a desert, there could have been dust storms and an artificial sun. Maybe the monster could have kicked up sand as it ran, though we know that Jack had tripped, landing face first into the sand. Maybe sand could have gotten into his hair, he could have spit sand out of his mouth or gained a bruise or two.
Details: You lacked in detail, really when it came to how the monster died. I mean, I wouldn't expect you to go into such gory detail, but something could have been divulged into. There wasn't even a description for Jack, though we knew what the monster clearly looked like. It was a cyclops, or a creature similar to that. You could have gone into Jack's attire, hair color, his eye color, especially if you were to describe the fear within his eyes. Also, you could have showed more focus upon how Jack controlled the boulder, maybe a bit of strain in his face, a change in his pupils, etc. If he can simply do this with his mind, then there isn't a need for hand gesticulation, though there could have been if you had wanted such. And maybe showing how Jack was strained by the attack would be a bit better.
All in all, this was decent and understandable. Thus, I give you:
4.5/8
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 5:08 pm
Miki
Length and Pacing: A very good length. Pretty much as a guy i understand how hard it is for us to pull up creative juice unlike emotional gurls XD. J.k. but yes it was very nice length. However the ending was quite sketchy, seemed to jump around. But most people give up twoards the end, so that is understandable. I enjoyed the pace of this.
Grammar: Obviously Word proccessed XP. If not im really proud of your post here. It had pretty much good spelling and good grammer.
Personality: I fell in love with the character Miki X3!!! The fight scene was just funny! i loved the style of your character. He must be one of em Scarred emotional cute guys who never talk eh? XP. I was hoping to see more fighting style with the music of yours. That would be interesting and very different from the others.
Use of Environment: Typical Metal dome eh? Nothing wrong with that XP. Glad you took note of how the music reflected off the dome and such. There could be some more details on how natural sound effects. You know like, the clatter of his feet against the metal or so. but not one's perfect XP.
Details: I think describing the Pixie gurl in the begining of the encounter would of been nice, even if Miki couldn't tell what it was. Therefore we could get some understanding of what he was fighting thus making the fight more easier to follow. He could be fighting a firefly for confusions sake XP.
Note: Reminds me of Zelda for some reason, very cute character, i give you
6.5/8
The ending was difficult to follow, and it seemed to lack a strong Hook effect. If the violin was used im sure a nice hook would be casted XP. Much better then some others i seen ^^
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 5:14 pm
Yay! You liked it! . . . but, just to tell ya, I can't use the violin yet because of certain plot reasons o_o;; that's why I was fudging the end with the humming XD
Oh, and I did make his violin case drop and the crash echo >_>;;
And yes, all those words ARE mine, code of honour I only used the Processor when I was finished to spell check them 'cause I have a tendency to spell phonetically X_X
Also . . . I find it funny you capitalized Hook . . . made me think instantly of Tinkerbell from Peter Pan xp
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:35 pm
thats alot better response then the other times I've done things like this before.
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:36 pm
Oh, I'm glad then. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 6:46 pm
((Well, here goes nothing...))
Komlon was sitting outside the dome the test would be held in, waiting for his turn. He was fondling the money he had in the pocket of his mud-stained red hoody. Hetried to get the feeling of nausea to leave him, but he didn't have enough time. Before long, the previous tester came out of the room. He looked at him to see how it had gone, but couldn't read their expression. Third day, and a test already...He thought. I hope I don't embarrass myself.
He got up and entered the dome. The first thing he noticed was the crashing of waves, he looked to his right, and there was a coastline not but ten feet away from where he stood. The rest of the room was covered in sand, with large boulders throughout the room, all of which roughly ten feet high, some were steep, but a few, Komlon woold be able to scale easily. He looked around for his opponent, but couldn't locate it. He came to the conclusion that it was behind one of the numerous boulders that were scattered throughout the room. He gulped, and stepped forward, his tennis shoes starting to fill with sand already. My shoes are just going to weigh me down... He reasoned with himself.
He stepped on the heel of his right shoe with his left toe, pulling his foot out of his shoe, then did the same with his left shoe. He wasn't wearing socks, since they always just got ruined by his powers somehow. He reached into his pocket and pulled out some and pulled out some money, he wondered why he hadn't thought to leave it in his dorm, but it must have slipped his mind. He put the money in one of his shoes, and then continued to scan the area for his opponent. He has starting to feel nauseous. He then heard something to his left.
"Begin!" was the command.
He ran from it, trying to freeze the ground behind him, but with no success, he had only managed to create small balls of ice, which fell to the ground, sand sticking to them. They started melting immediately. He ran behind one of the boulders, one that had very steep sides. He noticed it was very rough, climbable. He knew the creature wouldn't be able to dig through rock, and he would be able to find out what he was facing then. He reached up, grabbing a hold of the rock. He clumsily hoisted himself up, getting a foothold. He moved up the rock, pulling himself atop it, laying on his stomach, already his arms hurt. He got up, looking at the ground below him.
A giant, red claw emerged from the sand, followed by a long arm, and then he saw four legs emerge next to it. The eye was next, followed by the body, and the other side of his opponent, which he realized was a giant, scarlet crab. That thing's huge... how am I supposed to kill it? Komlon wondered, then the nausea got him. He tried to choke it down, but he couldn't. The vomit flowed from his mouth as he doubled over and place his palms on his knees. The green liquid had splashed onto his jeans, and was starting to spread. He stepped away from it before it was on his feet though. Choking down the urge to puke again, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then wiped his hand on his blue jeans. I can't put this off forever...I'm gonna have to fight it eventually.
The crab was circling the rock, reaching up it's pincer occasionally, but it couldn't reach Komlon. I guess I'm gonna have to use ice this time...Ice never goes well...I've been researching fire for the past day... he thought, searching for a way to use fire instead of his only other choice. He looked around, noticing the water. "Perfect!" he called out, not able to contain it within himself. He waited til the boulder would be between the crab and where he hoped to defeat it. He jumped off the rock, the sand softening his fall. He fell to his knees, but quickly got up, his palms covered in sand. He was pursued by the crab, and he wasn't good at running in sand. The distance between him and his enemy was closing, then he reached the water. He ripped off his hoody, tossing it behind him, not caring what happened to it now. He was wearing another shirt, and struggled to get it off, since it was tighter fitting on him. The black shirt finally came off, and he threw it behind him. All the while he had not stopped running. Then the water became too deep the run in. He started to swim, but he wasn't able to swim far, because the wall was near. He felt something stop his movement. He looked over his shoulder and saw that there was an eye sticking out of the water not but five feet behind him. He thrashed his right leg, which was where he felt the resistance. He felt himself being lifted from the water, and found the crab had picked him up by the right leg of his jeans. He thrashed and tried to burn the crab, but he only managed to create steam. He then tried to freeze it, but he couldn't get it quite right since he found himself not able to concentrate. All the blood was flowing to his head, and he could feel his conciousness leaving him. The darkness ate at the edges of his vision, and the last thing he remembered was vomiting once more.
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 7:50 pm
Crap three posts to judge! Well better get down to it instead of going off to rp, blah...
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 7:59 pm
psst Yhoshua. Just do Komlons one for now. ^^ he needs to be graded XP
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 8:19 pm
Jack
Length and Pacing: I agree with Lenair (Kee Kee) this wasn't quite as long as it should be, pacing is a good thing (I'm not perfect myself but hey...)
Grammar: One tip mate, if you make a shorter post, make it perfect when it comes to grammar. But it wasn't all teh l33t haxxor!111! So you get props there. Anyways mostly capitalization as Lenair said.
Personality: The one area where you did shine! You kept us well informed on what Jack was thinking. And unlike Lenair I don't really see a need for calculation with the boulder (Provided he trusted his instinct and just did it, but you should have mentioned it, if that was the case.) Thats about the only black mark there
Use of Environment: Well mate this wasn't yer biggest strong suit. Sandy and slightly rocky? Could have been my old sandbox! Cept bigger... I'm not saying spend all the time talking about the Environment, but a good paragraph as he walks in would do it.
Details: To be quite frank, this sucked. I hate to say it, but what the heck was he fighting?! A monster right? Could it have been my little brother? Look mate, just give a name to the monster and a scentence or two, its really not that hard. Describe Jack! I know I'm not perfect no one is! (cept maybe Lenair...) but I can not stress enough, Detail!
It was a nice attempt, but the fact that I have no clue what he was fighting, and the length really have taken a huge toll. The general lack of description shoots this score to heck. But I have to give you a few props for the Personality, so all in all.
3.5/8.0
Please don't hate me for the grade! crying stare
(( Lenair is working on his at the moment, and I would hate to interupt the master at work. Well she isn't a guy so master doesn't quite work, but who cares? Besides I was already done with this one so blah! ))
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 8:30 pm
Hana could feel the butterflies dance around in her stomach, as she nervoulsy glanced around the large dome like arena. It consisted of a mostly earthy terrain with a few trees scattered randomly through out the arena. She couldn't believe she was here. She never thought of taking the test for fear of failing it or getting severly injured, but some how found herself taking part in it anyways. She was begining to have second thoughts seeing how she had never acctually used her powers before in a combative situation. Taking a deep breath to try and calm herself down, she then pulled out a navy blue fan with a golden flower pattern out of her pocket. Hopefully this would help her get through this test in one piece. It seemed to be lucky whenever she was in situations like these. Clutching the fan tightly in her hands, she made her way towards the middle of the arena. Her legs felt like jello, as she dragged her feet along the way. She then heard a loud omnious voice of a man come on over the speakers, causing her to drop her fan from being startled.
"Hana Takahashi I presume." He said practically emtionless. She then quickly bent down to pick up her fan, as she frantically looked around to see where the voice was coming from, but soon realized that it was useless. She then opened her mouth to respond, but found no words coming out so she began to nod instead. Great way to start out the test, she thought, as she mentally slapped herself in the head.
"You may begin." He responded, as she heard a loud thud behind her. She felt a chill run down her spine, as she slowly stood up. She was really begining to regret signing up for this test. Cautiously turning around, she soon found herself face to face with an overgrown reptile atleast three times her height. It had dark green scaley skin which appeared to be covered in slim, two firey golden eyes, and large fang like teeth. In away the creature almost reminded her of a lot smaller version of Godzilla. She found herself standing and just staring at the creature for a couple of seconds. When suddenly it let out an earpiercing screech. She quickly covered her ears, as she stared at the creature in horror. She could feel the color draining from her face, as she jumped back from it. The creature then charged at her, as she quickly whipped open her fan. Her hands had a silvery blue aura surround them that spread to the fan, as she raised it above her head and brought it down at the beast right as it leaped at her. The fan had caused a large gust of wind powerful enough to send the creature to fly atleast fourty feet away from her. The creature appeared to be stunned, as it tried to recollect its self and try and attack again. She then flicked her wrist that had been holding the fan, causing it to snap shut. She quickly placed the fan in her pocket, as she focused her energy towards her next attack. The blue aura that had surrounded her hand soon turned green, as she slammed her hands onto the ground. At first it appeared nothing had happened, but the ground soon appeared as if something was digging its way towards the lizard. Roots then shot up from under the soil and coiled around the creature. It showed much resistence, as it tried to break free.
She didn't know what to do now. She couldn't tell if the fight was over, or if she was suppose to finish it off. She was begining to panick, she wished that Krissy or one of her other friends were here to help her out, but in an actual situation like this she knew they might not be there to help out. I guess i'll have to figure this out on my own then, she thought as she shrugged.
She then pulled out her fan once more, as she carefully aimed at the creature. The aura surrounding her hands had turned back to the blue from before. She then flipped it so it was parallel to the ground, as she held it in her right hand. She slowly brought it across to her left side, and swung it horizantly back to her right side. Instead of causing the gust of wind from earlier, she had caused the wind to act almost as small razors as they flew towards the creature. Unfortunatly most of her attack had ended up hitting the vines that had ensnared the creature. She could feel her face burning bright red from embarrasement from the mistake, as the lizard charged at her in a rage. She felt like bursting into tears, as she turned in the opposite direction and began to run away. Why me?, she thought as she frantically ran towards the nearest tree.
She could here the contious thud of it's feet hit the ground as it was gaining on her, and would most likely catch her before she arrived at her destination. She had to do something quick if she didn't want to be caught, but what? She then did the first thing she thought of in hopes of slowing it down. She stopped in her tracks, and quickly spun around. She had raised her fan above her head to send a gust of wind at it, but didn't have a chance. The creature had knocked the fan out of her hands, and before she could do anything else the creature swung at her with it's tail. She didn't have time to block the attack, and wounded up getting launched towards the tree she was trying to escape from the beast with. She hit the tree with a sickening thud, and found herself staring up at the top of the dome. She felt a warm gooey substances trickly down the side of her head, as her eyelids became heavy. Her vision gradually became blurry, as the outline of the creature stood over. I can't believe the test is going to end this way, she thought as tears began to brim her eyes. She then glanced one last time at the creature before she closed her eyes, as she lost conciousness.
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 8:32 pm
*Laughs* No ones been able to actually WIN the test without blanking out or pulling a draw XD
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 8:41 pm
Yeah, pretty much all the people taking the test are new people at the school.
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 9:08 pm
Sorry Komlon, I'll get down to grading yours now. I think there had been a misinterpretation, but that is alright. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 9:09 pm
*tries to be as patient as he can be*
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Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 9:37 pm
You know I COULD judge the two posts or I could go to bed. Hmmmm just had work today and am tired so go to bed, or be really tired and judge posts...
I'm going with bed all, unlike you west coast freaks its already morning here! So gnight all and I'll get to yer posts in the morning when I've had more than four hours of sleep. eek xp
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