Welcome to Gaia! ::

How the hell did you know I signed up for Facebook and why did you add me? What the ******** is "Want to be friends?" supposed to mean, especially after all this time.

It's not a coincidence I blocked you from Myspace, MSN, every ******** last one of my mules on Gaia, even the ones you don't know about, and got a new AIM account.

I found things out after the last time we stopped talking, even. Things that were volunteered to me. That you cheated even more than you ever admitted to. That you, via your hypocritical complaining, outed me to a very close friend as a chaos magician when you goddamn well knew both that she didn't know and that I was deathly afraid of being outed before I was ready and you haven't talked to her since because she jumped to my defense. She didn't even tell me about it until well over a year after it happened. She's everything good you'll never be as long as you live.

I'm sexier, more successful, and more self actualized than I've ever been in my life and it has precisely nothing to do with you. Just leave me in peace and let me forget you ever existed.

We've come to a point where it's apparent we both love each other. Hell, we've admitted it. Despite all the flaws I have (which I have pointed out to you several times over throughout the time we've spent together), you told me you loved me anyways. Hell, you even joked about how we would marry one day, despite the fact at that point we didn't know each other as well as we do now.

I know there's a lot of controversy about us being together - a good deal of the group we are normally with don't even know we're on such intimate terms with each other, and those who do suspect us remain silent to the ignorants, despite opposing our relationship. They talk about how we shouldn't be together. How you're taking advantage of me. About our age difference. You knew these issues from the start. You knew I was still in high school. You knew I was (still am) 17 and wasn't (and still am not) legally an adult. I knew you were (and still are) 22, five years my senior. I knew you had personal issues in your life that messed you up and still do at times. We live nowhere close to each other. We've had little contact in real life. But despite all this, we loved each other anyways.

You didn't know that several individuals knew about us. I told you to keep us a secret; I knew if people found out, they'd do their best to ruin you in order to 'save' me. You thought I was just being shy; I let you to continue to believe that because I loved you. Eventually, word slipped out. I was eventually confronted by someone directly asking me if you had taken advantage of me. I didn't feel that way, so I told them no. I told them nothing more than that. Why? Because I loved you.

However, even before this confrontation occured, you made me feel uneasy about us. Another one of our friends - one that we hardly see because of her work schedule - pops by and you're suddenly all over her. You talk to her about pretty personal things that you never talk to me about (I know this because I usually listen to you guys talking while you forget that I'm there). I know it's pretty selfish of me to think so, but you seem to pay more attention to her than you do to me. Hell, I'm pretty sure you've made passes at her even when I was around. I shrugged it off the first few times - namely because I didn't know her as well as you did (still don't) - as if nothing was wrong.

But I've been growing more and more uneasy as of late. You've been talking to her more frequently. You rarely talk to me in the same way that you used to. I used to lose track of the amount of times you told me you loved me. Now, I can count on one hand the times you said the same to me ever since you 'reunited' with her. Again, regardless of all this, I stayed by your side. Why? Because I loved you.

And now...? I'm not so sure if you feel the same way anymore. I feel ignored. I feel a bit saddened. I feel somewhat miserable every time I talk to you because it feels like there's an invisible wall separating us. It became even more apparent when I tried to reconfirm our feelings for each other by asking you a question that I thought I already knew the answer to. "Is the age-difference such a big deal?" I'd asked you this several times before , and you said, "Why does it matter? We love each other." Every time I asked you that, your reply made me feel at ease. However, not too long after that 'friend' of ours confronted me, I asked you that question once again. But instead of giving me the usual response that warmed my heart, you replied, "Five years difference. You're still 17. It's technically rape." I nearly died inside.

I haven't asked you the question since. I keep up the facade that we're together and everything is honky dory despite my insecurities. I never doubted you before, which makes me feel like a jerk when my mind reels to question whether or not you still love me the same way you did. Do you love 'her'? Do you feel guilty about being with me? I know two of your ex-es did something that nearly destroyed you, but do you feel that I'll become just like them? Do you not want to be with me anymore?

I want answers. I want to reconfirm what I thought I once knew for certain. I loved you. I still love you. I want to know if you still love me.

I'm too afraid to ask you. I'm too afraid of the answers that could be. I'm too afraid that what I may be imagining could truely be real.

I feel like I'm at a cross roads, a turning point in my life. I'm not sure what I'm going to become next, but I've started initiating changes and I don't think it's a coincidence that you where there for the first of them; when I got my tattoo. Whether it was fate or chance is fairly immaterial because what it comes down to is this; whatever happens next I want it to happen with you at my side.

After the first time we met I wanted to see you again because you were alot of fun to be around, you're gorgeous, and you have a really caring side. After being out with you yesterday, I found out that there's so much more to you than I could have possibly imagined.

I love how you think, it's so refreshing and engaging. It tore me up that my exes always thought I was smarter than them or that I made them feel dumb even if they didn't mean that I was being cruel. You've challenged me and my ideas more thoroughly and decisively than anyone I've ever met before, and I'm not afraid or put off by that, I welcome it. It's not that I can't win against you because you've got me wrapped around your little finger, rather you've got me wrapped around my little finger because I can't win against you.

Don't worry about your history, don't worry about what you've been through. If there's anything you need me to know, then you can tell me when you feel ready. Other than that, the sum of your experiences up until now are what shaped you into the girl I'm falling in love with.

I hope you feel the same way.

Well, I like wearing my Naruto underwear, thank you very much.

But I like having breasts and a p***s...

you know..

if you came back to me now, i'd be too afraid to engage in a relationship with you after what happened. you're going to be rich and famous someday. and every time i see your face on t.v. i'll remember the hell you put me through. girls will swoon but they won't know the truth. half the time now i doubt i even know the truth about you. you're nothing but a compartment that's too organized and categorized to be functional as an actual human being. you were right when you said you had no morales. when you had no regard for anyone but yourself, but you faked caring for me pretty well.. i can't help but commend it.

i kick myself, too.. knowing that when i mess around with someone else my brain screams out your name as if to tell me i need to stop what i'm doing because of you. stop my whole world and wait for you. as much as i move forward, cutting through the tide of life i'm still wet in the water, i still can't get away from you. no matter how far i swim into my future i'll still be wet. it's inevitable. you touched my heart you ******** b*****d. i hate you for it. i hate you for this, all of it.

i got rid of all your pictures, all the songs that reminded me of you, your phone number, your screen names. everything... seeing or hearing any of it makes me cry, still.. because i'm so ******** helpless in this situation. you forced me to abandon you. you threw me away with a thread of hope that things would get better and that line snapped without my knowing, and when i realized it, i was drowning in tears.

i hope you're ******** happy. happy that you could do something like this to someone. i hope it builds your ego. you're the most selfish person i've ever met.

Dear AG,
there is this boy, at least I think it's a boy, on gaia.
I don't understand him. His avi's a boy, but he just acts sooooo gay, he must be a girl. Or just really gay. He keeps asking about my male friends, and if I have any brothers he could talk with. And what kind of make up I think is best. I think maybe he's really a girl and likes boys. No guy could be thaaaat gay. I mean, his gaia name is even named after a girl (albeit a masculine name)...
:miniheart:

You had your chance with me, you cheated on me with him, and you're now with him. You cannot keep telling me that you love me when you are still with him. It completely ******** me up inside knowing that my feelings for you have not changed and your apparent feelings for me are that you love me, but I know full well that you won't leave him. Why do you do this to me? Why do you do this to yourself?

Make. Up. Your. ********. Mind.