Kirby's Epiphany
That night, as I copied the picture on my computer, I thought about the way he had acted towards me. It hurt, remembering his expression and how mad I had made him just by being present…I did not get it, as he had accused. I just could not see why he was trying to remove me from his life…
The picture printed out, and I cropped it and put it in one of my homemade picture frames, setting it on my bedside table. It was pretty good quality, I decided…but the original still held that magic, that miniscule yet tangible instance in a genuine picture where no smile is forced and everyone looks good simply because they are having a good time. Pictures like that are rare, and I loved to look at them.
My eyes were drawn, invariably, to Evan and Khana every time. Evan was smiling, truly happy, holding the girl he loved closely with his sister at his side and his parents behind him. The way he was smiling was completely unfamiliar to me…it was almost like he was trying not to burst out laughing, for no reason, and he was showing a row of white, even teeth. It was very unlike the tight, uneasy smile I had seen so many times before…
You’re the only one who can make my brother smile like that.
Tara’s note echoed in my head, stuffed in some obscure drawer, but there. Sure, I could make him smile…but only for a second or two. Khana had made him truly happy…
There she stood, her arm looped easily around Evan’s neck, long hair blowing back from her pretty face as she laughed. She belonged in the picture, with Evan’s family…if only for the events that would happen later that day.
Suddenly, I was intensely jealous of them all, that family in the picture…I could imagine the scene in the photograph, Evan’s gentle-eyed mother walking through the park with Tara’s hand in hers, arms linked with her handsome husband….Evan and Khana walking behind, talking about some ride they had been on together, Khana reaching up to kiss him, he telling her that he loved her before his father called them over, handing a camera to a kind stranger…and all of them, laughing with happiness, frozen in time forever right before my eyes.
Most of all, I realized, I was jealous of Khana. Evan had talked to her about everything, and she him…and she could make him happy in a way I could not. And that was why he loved her; that was why anyone could love anyone else. I did not envy her for that…one look at the picture told me that they were perfect for each other. I envied her because she would have known what to do, had she been alive…but then, if she had been, maybe this would not have happened.
And then suddenly, I thought of something…what had Tara signed at Evan, that had been so fast I could not comprehend it? I viewed the scene over in my mind, paying careful attention. There was the sign for me…the word “one,” a nominative…and something about a smile…
But, Big Brother…she’s the one that makes you smile…Suddenly I understood.
Really, it was an epiphany of mixed emotions…Evan missed Khana, and he felt like he was betraying her by being with me so much. He probably visited Tara and saw her picture, and was reminded of her…maybe she had slipped out of his mind for a time, and he felt guilty. On the other hand, I could make him happy, even if it was for only a little while, and in that way, maybe, I reminded him of Khana. This could be viewed as replacing her…there were dozens of options. Maybe he didn’t want to get close to anyone, because those who had had died…maybe he was still in love with her, and didn’t want me to think otherwise…maybe he just missed them all so much that it was making him edgy.
I remembered how gently he had treated Tara, in contrast to me…he was right, I had seen. I was not their family. Only they were, and he wanted “only family”…I guessed that he had been afraid she would die, too, and wanted to keep a tight hold on what he had left…I admired him for that.
I returned the photograph to my purse, promising myself I would give it to Tara—or make sure it was sent to her—the first chance I got. Something like that should be kept close, shouldn’t it?
I turned off my lamp and lay back in bed. I would have to swallow my pride and apologize to Evan, whether he listened to me or not…because now, I felt like at last I knew what was going on in his head, as much as anyone could. And as I gazed up at my ceiling, I wondered how just one boy could bear it all…
