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 Posted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 6:01 pm
"Don't make assumptions for me. It's better to just ask. You may not believe you are that interesting, but I find you interesting. You may think that polite means dull, but I think polite shows a level of manners and generally not being a total a**. Not that I'm fine with some people being total asses. I also think you are one of the few people on the island who knows how to dress well and look good. I do know you are very reserved and very careful. It makes me worried that I make you too uncomfortable and that spending time with me is more a chore than enjoying your time out. I give you full permission to tell me that or tell me to stop doing or asking something. I'm not here to make you upset." He said, smiling softly.
"It's why I'm also asking you to ask me questions. Because I like talking back and forth and sharing. So if there is anything you ever want to ask me, never hesitate to ask." He pointed out, and took a sip of his whiskey.
"I still think it's okay to want things in life. It keeps your mind with desires and goals. Keeps you hoping." He said, smiling. "Like wanting to be with someone. Wanting to see those pandas. Have you discovered any new wants?"
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 2:38 pm
Melvin, of course, was just being polite. Merric was too used to people using similar things on him, similar words, phrases, reminders that he was, in fact, not at all what people generally looked for or cared for in someone they wanted to associate with.
He had not forgotten Barron's sneering expressions or his parents disapproval.
"It's not...a chore," Merric said, because that was (mostly) true, his face flushing with embarrassment. "It's...I'm not used to this, I told you. I don't - I don't have friends, or at least none that I've remained close to, and Lysander and Roswell - "
He cut himself off there, because that was not a good subject, Merric clearing his throat.
Have you discovered any new wants?
It was a loaded question. Merric had too many that were never going to happen.
"...perhaps," he said quietly, very quietly, so quietly it was almost inaudible. "But I...don't know how to be...allowed to want things."
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 2:53 pm
"Saying you are allowed is like you are waiting for someone to give you permission. There is no on here to give you that. Just you. You need to let yourself want things." He said, watching him.
"Wanting something also can be very flattering. Makes the thing feel valued. Like they are worth being wanted by someone else." He took another drink of his whiskey, finishing it off.
"If there is anything you want from me, I would like to know, but no pressure to disclose what you aren't comfortable with of course."
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:47 pm
He gave a hollow laugh, Merric's fingers tight around his glass of whiskey.
"I was never allowed to - to want things," he said roughly, the words like painful glass in his throat. "I was never - that was always Barron, he was always allowed whatever he wanted, just given it, I was the opposite, I wasn't supposed to want anything that wasn't approved."
The alcohol from two separate shots of whiskey straight down was making him feel warm and loose tongued. Merric closed his eyes against the sound of Melvin's voice, wanting aching in his chest for something he couldn't have, yet again.
I want to be wanted.
He couldn't say that, either.
"I'm not supposed to want things, I don't know how."
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 3:55 pm
"Well the good thing about not knowing how, is that it can be learned. There are no parents here. There is no Barron here. You can want. In some cases, you don't even need to ask. It will be given. In other cases, you can just take freely."
"You are your own man here." He said with a smile, before it went a little smaller. "To an extent. I won't sugar coat that we have limitations in our organization, but not for human desires."
He took a breath and reached out to set a hand right over Merric's where he was holding his glass.
"I want to be your friend, Merric. Will you allow me that?"
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:14 pm
It was not so easy, reminding himself of this. Barron was not here, and neither were his parents, but after two solid decades of living with them, of being subjected to everything he had, it was not something that Merric could simply push under the rug and pretend he was over.
Even now, Barron's voice was in his head, mocking, laughing.
The touch of Melvin's fingers against his own made him jolt a little; Merric's head rose, though he didn't quite meet Melvin's gaze, his heart in his throat, a welling sense of frustration mingling with that sense of wanting that would never truly leave him, he was sure, because it would never be abated.
Wordlessly he nodded, because words felt hard.
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:17 pm
He removed his hand and leaned back. "Thank you. The only thing I can offer is my company and try my best to understand. If you need anything, I do not mind offering that help." He explained, deciding that just letting Merric be right now was best. Talking probably wasn't something he was used to doing, but Melvin liked hearing him talk, even if it wasn't full sentences.
He returned to his meal, wondering if Merric would talk if left on his own.
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:34 pm
For a few moments after Melvin's hand had left, Merric just sat there, letting the silence grow. He felt strangely off balance; a little off kilter; his fingers pulled the glass towards himself almost automatically, and he lifted it to his lips and took a small swallow, rather than down the entire thing at once.
"...I want friends," said Merric quietly, after another moment had passed. "I've never...had them before."
It felt like a childish admission, but it was at the core of everything else.
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:48 pm
He was finishing his meal, his stomach still knotted over other things that he couldn't fully complete his burger and decided it would just be leftovers for later. His mind drifted off, thinking of such a simple thing.
Want.
A all consuming feeling. A evil one that could spread like a virus if left unchecked.
Want.
Dawson came to mind asking him simply what HE wanted now.
Want.
He took a sip of water, trying to force down a small bite of fry before he looked over at Merric when he spoke.
He could only smile at that. "Okay. To wanting friends then." He said, and he lifted up his whiskey glass.
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Posted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 4:57 pm
He wanted too much, in fact, instead of not wanting at all.
He wanted friends. He wanted to be liked. He wanted to have people he could rely on, people he could talk to. He wanted for Roswell and Lysander to understand and accept their own feelings for each other. He wanted to stop thinking about Lysander in a way that would put anything in jeopardy.
He wanted to be wanted.
Merric took a painful breath and lifted his own glass, tapping it gently against Melvin's.
"To friends," he said softly, and took a sip.
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