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 Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:41 pm
The words ripped out of him before he could stop them.
"I don't know!"
He was half leaning over now, away from Melvin, though one hand was still wrapped around Melvin's forearm. Merric's hair fell around his flushed face in pale strands, his eyes still squeezed shut, his teeth gritting together so tightly that his jaw ached.
"I don't know and that's what scares me."
His voice lowered, rough in his dry throat.
"I don't know how I feel about either of them, and I don't know why I felt the way I did when we kissed, and I don't know, except that nothing can ever happen because I will not get in between them, I can't."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:48 pm
He slowly moved his hands and held Merric a moment, letting his breath, letting him lean forward and let his mind catch up for just a moment. He was silent as he let him stay there, gripping his arm tightly that he knew it would leave little half-moons after in his skin.
"You're a good person to care so much, but have you considered that maybe you can make things better instead of worse? I think for now, it's okay to take your time. To think things over, and to take stock of how you feel. You shouldn't be afraid of the things you like and find thrilling because those are a part of you and what make you happy, and you shouldn't think that you are the worse in the world you are in. I've seen the worse. There are many monsters out there than a man who liked a kiss from two people he cared about." He reached up with his one free hand to brush his hair.
"It's okay to feel things. It when you stop or when you try and stop them all together that things get dark and bad..." He trailed off, looking at the hand that gripped him and beyond it.
"So don't stop - even if it is scary sometimes."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:03 pm
He was barely aware of Melvin's arms around him, even less so of the fact that he was still sitting in Melvin's lap. Everything at present was centered around what Melvin was saying; on the growing feeling of awareness and uncertainty and undeniable frustration that mingled with the certainty that he had almost certainly already lost.
The hand that smoothed through his hair was meant to be reassuring. He didn't deserve it.
Merric drew a shuddering breath. After a moment, he reached down and carefully unwound Melvin's arms from his waist and slid to his feet to stand, straightening his own waistcoat and shirt with jittery, uncertain movements.
"No, what's - what's wrong is thinking that I could - that there's any way that I could - "
He stooped and scooped up the clothes he had dropped, piling them into his arms, haphazardly this time, not bothering to fold them as neatly and carefully as he would have if he'd been thinking straight. The water bottle was left wherever it had rolled to.
Merric's fingers were trembling. He didn't turn around to look at Melvin.
"I am a professional and a - a friend. I will not ruin anything because of some - because of my own - misgivings about - " The words were jerked out, forced through his throat. " - because of my own weaknesses, or what have you. I can't and I won't."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:12 pm
"Well then, if you are giving up, then find your thrills with those who will take it or just to talk to untangle these thoughts again. You know my room number."
He set a hand at his bad, a touch of assurance, and then moved past him.
"...but those feelings are not weaknesses. Maybe you need more time to think about that too." He went to pick up the water bottle and offer it to him.
"Sorry for taking up so much of your time."
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:22 pm
He took the water bottle without resistance, curling fingers around it. Merric felt the reality of his situation, the weight of it bearing down on him, the unhappy, unpleasant truth of it all.
He was never going to be good enough.
"Thank you," he jerked out. "I'll - goodbye."
And then he was gone, practically running out the door, trying to outrun his own thoughts.
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Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 8:58 pm
He stood at the door-frame as Merric ran, and long before into the empty hallway. Slowly he shut the door with a click and locked it, turning to a pair of empty chairs and a equally empty room.
Moving over, he sat back down where he had sat before, staring at a chair facing him, and moved his sleeve were fingernails and a bit of read were pressed on his skin. "Saliva...."
I'll hold off best I can to keep it from leaving.
He ran his fingertips over it and sighed, looking back at the empty chair. "Must be nice."
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