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Hexxis is dead....

I should be feeling something. Something more than just a sense of passing sadness. Then again, I haven't been feeling much at all, today would be one of the first few days in a while that I actually did more than give someone a fake smile and tried to be alright. I'm not.. not really...

I offered her a job last time we spoke, she sounded as desolate as I did which is why I did so. Maybe I had hoped to finally bridge the feelings she left in me with each decision she did. Now that's unlikely.

I found her phone,my old phone, and called one of the numbers. It lead to Tri, I really should have known he never changed it. So I gave him information on her and moved on. Then I found Cordelia or she found me, after weeks of trying to find her, how ironic if it only wasn't a few week earlier.

Then the call came...Hexxis was dead. I added that to everything else i'm juggling... recent surprises I haven't even begun to be absorbed. I'm helping them but even I can see she was what was holding them together and now it was coming apart. I just need to keep moving, keep thinking ...it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

Immaterial

Feb 7

She appeared in my dreams and I left her there. I won't make the same mistake twice but it worries me ...she appeared again as everything started happening just like before.

I'm still hunting the heart.

Date....I don't know...

Looking back at my last entry .. it makes me want to laugh in pain. It's been a long long time since I last posted and most of that due to the fact I barely had the strength or even the mental capacity to do so. I was right, it was Val ... doing her last push to come to this world.....

Writing that even seems strange

She is around, doing her saturday morning cartoon things.. she even picked up a few stray "dogs" and really that is all I am going to say on her. She pisses me off and her dogs annoy me. Not the smartest thing to say considering the people. However, with everything that has happened and likely no small part her doing,...I don't really care ..


And care is an important thing...that is how they all try to control you. It works ...and it doesn't.They torment you with the loss of someone close then do it again to the point that you start to become desensitized. I'm losing myself, not just physically...I can barely stand now much less walk, but mentally . That is something I am trying to understand but ....Gaia it's only been a few hours since I just woke up.

Right...I was talking about losing myself. The more I try to hold the less I actually hold. Ashral/ Silence are the only one who is always there and the one I can't give back too. I just...don't feel the same way she does... and because of the way she feels or the way she is ,she is the one who gets hurt the most. I am her reason for staying ... but at what point does it all turn into a lie? I can only see guilt and sorrow down that path but have no way to stop it without hurting her more.

Kage...Kage was there hurting her, before that the people in the island and even before that, her brother and that malice. She is a strong soul which is another reason for the pain she suffers, she is...the words disgust me to even write, but a rare commodity. Alive everyone wants her dead, dead everyone wants her for their own end. She was safest when she was a malice...

What am I taking about any more.... I push my health to the brink and my body gave up..I'm suffering the consequences. I get called mentally by a spirit and go...only to eventually meet Kage who is working for Val. Eventually he got messed up somehow and became her lackey .. Ashral was there...then she was not...(if I somehow don't remember how this happened....perhaps that would be for the best). I take what is left of her with me only to return to damaged body and expecting a chase. I just got moved to another place with people I don't know....that is also a story on its own. The two things I pull from there is that I hate my new sister and the feeling is mutual.On top of that my other parent was there..and I was just a bargaining chip to get Tri to stay with him. I really have no words...I am just trying to process it all..I am pretty much overwhelmed, so many things have happened since that last post.

So at the end of this day? What do I do....The more I think about it the better it becomes..let Val win..just break the ties I have. Ties as if I had more than one,not any more, even those I want to...well, maybe it is better to just not. I bring trouble where I go anyways ..

Passing Storm

I see the looks

I see the pain, betrayal , and frustration

Yet I think your selfish. You only think of yourself and what you want but not once did you think in the shoes of the other person.

My heart is not a coat of armor, how many more times can I watch you die and come back by pure miracle. I held your body when you died from the stab wound, freed your soul from the ring by making a deal with one of the people I dislike most.

I was followed by your ghost, I fought for you when you came back despite suffering my own fears and damaged soul, tried to save when they tried to experiment on you, I held your dead body again when you drowned..then I was with you again when you return and orders forced you to try and kill me.

You’re angry at me for leaving you there, where it was safe and outside of the whole play of power. I do not regret it, I only regret being unable to convince you of its necessity. You were the pawn to get at me, you were the damsel in distress...

Yes that will piss you off but it is true. You have a dangerous skill set for those in this world but a liability when it came to those chasing me. You could not protect me or yourself and distancing myself kept you safe.

A skill set and desire does nothing when you are dead and you died so many times.

So resent me if you like, many already do. I will still consider you my sister if you still care for it but do not expect me to apologize. Not when I see you making friends, growing and learning.

I am just very tired...