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Freya's smile turned bittersweet when she heard the heartbreak in his voice. He was suffering, and she could hear it. She saw it in his eyes, and she felt it in the touch on her cheek. Her own suffering was only a fraction of what he was going through. She almost wondered how it had gotten this far along, and her lips parted to ask him exactly where Lark had gone to leave him alone for so long, when they were silenced with his. There was a small noise, muffled as it escaped her throat, before the gravity of what he was doing took hold and her eyes fluttered closed. Alarms were ringing in her head - she'd heard them before. They were telling her this was wrong, and she would regret it. Somehow, she registered them all, and they were only fueling her forward. There was anger, in his kiss - an anger she didn't even understand, and yet she felt it too. Like they deserved this moment.

But she deserved nothing. She was worthless. She deserved nothing.

Except maybe this.

Freya hadn't hesitated. If Kettil had the strength to kiss her, she had just enough strength to return the favor. After all, she had promised she would never leave him alone - and she certainly wasn't going to leave him alone in guilt.

If he was the ship, she was the captain, and they were going down together.

Her fingers found that popped collar that she couldn't stop thinking about, and pulled, hard.

There was a natural progression to things in life.

When Kettil pulled her closer, Freya wrapped her arms around his neck, and her kiss deepened. It was a hungry thing, and it was cut off when she felt the wetness against her cheeks. Her eyes opened, and her face backed up, staring at him with a hazy sort of surprise.

He was crying.

He was crying over Lark.

His words solidified that presumption, and Freya's heart turned into a cold lump of stone. She had made a mistake, but it was one of many at this point. What was one more? Nothing, really.

"Ja." She muttered weakly in distraction. She disentangled herself from him, and patted his stomach. "Okays." It was fine. She just had to accept things that she already knew, and move forward, as usual. Kettil kissed her because he missed Lark. He missed the affection he needed, and thrived upon. And Freya.. she knew she thrived on affection, too. Surely that explained away everything, didn't it?

"I ah, goes and gets ready." She still sounded like she wasn't really paying attention - as though trying to work out some complicated math problem in her mind. If she was after the same thing he was, and their kiss was nothing more than the desperate attempts of two lonely, heartbroken people, then why did she suddenly feel more heartbroken than she was before it?

She pointed at the little bathroom, before walking, very numbly, over to it.

Her shower of thought and heavy decision making would have to wait.

When he pulled her back, she knew something was wrong with her, because it elated her. But that elation died the moment she saw his face, and she just knew she was now the reason for his pain. She was just as bad as Lark, at this point.

"Hooter, looks at me. Listens teh me. I'm not turning away from yeh. I'm not even.. I'm just.. don't worry. I'm not goings anywhere." Her hands returned to hold his face firmly between them. "Do yeh hears me? Yeh has nothings teh worries about. And don't says stupid things like yeh goofs around too much. Can't yeh figures it outs by now?" Her brow furrowed deeply as her emotions got the best of her. "Yehr perfect teh me."

She let his head go, and wrapped her arms around his waist in a dreadfully tight hug. "Yeh don't needs teh tries teh be anything. Yehr already perfect. I'm the one that needs help."

It was funny, how painful the words sounded when they were meant for her. They were healing her, but only by burning her first. And for now, all she felt was that fire.

Her eyes squeezed tightly, and she groaned as the pain wracked through her. She didn't want to hear that. It was hard to explain why she didn't want to hear that, but she just couldn't handle hearing those words coming from Kettil.

It hurt too much to believe.

When he released her, she did the same. She wiped the agony from her face, and put on a vaguely sarcastic expression. "Yehr already rambling." She managed to choke out, before turning away.

This time, she was getting in that shower. Because in the shower, nobody could hear you cry.

"Pain in the a**." Freya heard him and felt that she needed to get the last word out. She snuck into her tiny bathroom after she'd said it, and closed the door. A WORKING DOOR!! How nice it felt to actually be able to hide behind a lock, for once.

But she waited until the water was running, her clothes were off, and she was already in the shower before she let the tears come.

Every minute she spent feeling this way was a betrayal to Herryk. She didn't even care about Lark at this point. She felt like she was splitting in half, and it couldn't have come at a worse time. It was so easy for her to just give in to the blissful thoughtless stupor that starvation brought her. She just wanted to go back into her bed, curl up under her covers, and sleep. For weeks.

Maybe years.

Maybe just forever.

She'd become addicted to the struggle. All she wanted to do right now was tell Kettil to go back to his dorm, and head to the gym. She wanted to push herself to the limit, until she collapsed in exhaustion. She wanted to push, and push, until she couldn't think anymore. Until she couldn't feel anymore.

She had almost, mercifully, forgotten how good it felt to destroy herself until that moment. And now, she realized why.

It was easier to forget that Herryk wasn't fighting for her, when she couldn't think at all.

The shower kept running, but she was done trying to clean. She just stood in the shower and let the hot water burn her skin.

At some point, her skin had numbed to the pain. It was useless then, and she turned off the water, and began the slow and arduous process of twisting water out of her hair.

She dried herself with her towel, and wrapped it around her body, tucking it firmly within itself. Then she opened the door, and steam rolled out of the little room as she walked into the cold. It stung her sore, red skin, and she reveled in the feeling.

Freya paused when she noticed Kettil at her door. Her head tilted to one side, slowly, before she grinned a goofy grin and let him finish. She had more important things to do - like choice an outfit.

"Hmm.." She hummed to herself. She had chosen a dress, a shirt and shorts combo, something a little fancier, something comfortable, and then one of her favorite outfits. She immediately ruled out the last - she'd been wearing it way too much lately.

"I can't decides." She growled. "Hooter, which one should I wear?" Yeah. Right. Because boils had great taste in clothes.

Freya looked like she'd just been slapped in the face. Kettil actually had an opinion on what outfit she should wear. What the hell was going on?

She failed to respond to him, silenced from surprise. Instead, she just picked up the dress with one hand, while still looking at him, and then stumbled over to her dresser to get a fresh set of underwear.

"Thanks for fixings my door." She finally managed to spit out once she'd focused on what she was picking out. "Maybe next times yehr takings my wedding dress off, someone won't walk in." She snickered, but the snicker died off when she remembered Mac. Mac. >/

"Don't gets too sweaty though. If yeh gets all smelly, this day is cancelled." Sweat was one thing, but he was wearing such a pretty outfit, and pit stains would not be stylish on it.

Once she had everything she needed, she turned around full circle, trying to figure out exactly where she was going to change.. that wasn't..

"Hooter, goes on the other sides of the door for a minute?" She sounded apologetic, but the last thing she needed right now was to be naked in front of Kettil.