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 Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:25 pm
On Wednesday, my fiance and I were hanging out since it was his day off. We were watching some t.v., eating lunch, when all of a sudden I felt a panic attack coming on. I could feel myself tense up and my heart start going. I jumped up and he knew by the look on my face what was wrong. I started to pace because that's what I do for some reason and mid-stride I just stopped. I looked him in the eyes and I just said "No. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to let this happen." And I closed my eyes and I started to regulate my breathing. I started to say a prayer in my head and I went over to our bed and sat down. After a few minutes, I picked up my controller and he put on a game and I started to play to keep myself busy. And it actually worked. I was so proud of myself, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest. I know it's just one and that doesn't mean I'm better but for me, as bad as I know that attack was going to be, for me to have over-come it within a matter of 20 or so minutes, speaks wonders. It gives me hope for the future, as cliche as that sounds.
Then, later that day, my mom comes home and flips the fudge out on me. Pretty much my entire family feels like I am using my fears as an excuse not to get help. Apparently I love living this way. Even though ever since I had a panic attack in the store almost three weeks ago, I haven't left my apartment. Yesterday and earlier today were awful. She comes into the living room and picks a fight with me and when I tell her to leave me alone, it like spurs her on. And as soon as I start yelling or arguing back, she' like "Drop it. Leave me alone." It's so frustrating. She is so verbally abusive towards me when it comes to my OCD and panic attacks. Like once, she threatened to have me committed. So today when she said she was going to call the hospital about my OCD, I freaked out because I thought that's what she was doing she called me a "dumb-a**" for thinking I would do that. She said "Just because I said I would doesn't mean I was going to." I was like, WTF?! All because I told her I don't feel it's a good idea for her to move in my my little sister's dad who abused her on a regular basis when I was little. She says "he's changed". Yeah, men who beat on woman just wake up one day and decide not to do that anymore. But it's whatever. As co-dependent as I am with her at times,maybe it's what I need. It is scary since I've lived with her my whole life, for reasons I'm not going to get into ATM, but I guess it's for the best.
Ah, now I've rambled and I doubt anyone will read all of this. It's alright, I just needed to get it off of my chest.
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:33 pm
I hope she wasn't too critical. I think it's this natural thing in parents to be overly-judgmental. My mom is the same way. I don't think I've ever done anything that was up to her standards.
Is your sister younger than you? That's kind of odd how she insists on sitting so close to you and not even trying to find anywhere else to sit. Do you mind if I ask why the hair bothers you? I've just never heard of someone self-harming over that before. My hair gets everywhere in our bathroom and my boyfriend hates it but all he really does is complain about it. I'm not making light of it or poking fun at all, I'm just curious.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm not so well either. It seems like as soon as I get on a good path, something happens that just derails everything.
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:04 pm
Pink Peppercorn I'm sorry you're so miserable. I feel your pain. Random panic attacks have been hitting me as well.
Ugh, my mom used to do the same thing when she took sleeping medication. She'd be up, cooking, holding complete conversations with me. Then the next day she'd be pissed because the kitchen was a mess and thought it was because of me. When I would try to explain to her that she had indeed been awake, she'd swear I was lying to get out of trouble. It was bananas.
The privacy thing would drive me nuts. I'm very much a private person and to have someone else's kids all up in my business would irk me.
I know my reply is quite late and I hope things have improved a little since you posted this. Things are complicated.... I want to leave but I want to stay... I don't know what to do any more...
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 3:09 pm
Pink Peppercorn I hope she wasn't too critical. I think it's this natural thing in parents to be overly-judgmental. My mom is the same way. I don't think I've ever done anything that was up to her standards.
Is your sister younger than you? That's kind of odd how she insists on sitting so close to you and not even trying to find anywhere else to sit. Do you mind if I ask why the hair bothers you? I've just never heard of someone self-harming over that before. My hair gets everywhere in our bathroom and my boyfriend hates it but all he really does is complain about it. I'm not making light of it or poking fun at all, I'm just curious.
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm not so well either. It seems like as soon as I get on a good path, something happens that just derails everything. I know what it's like to have friends/family who think you're faking things to get attention or acting horrible because you want to. It sucks. She wasn't critical at all, but the fear and stress were still there. My sister just sucks in general. The hair is on the walls, on the floor, on the damn toilet, and it's disgusting to touch. I think it's my OCD. It's "icky", you could say; contaminated. Hah, I was feeling alright this afternoon too. Went to get a meningitis shot then went to go get coffee, but mom stopped by a clothing store on the way and spent an hour there so we didn't get coffee. I get VERY angry about going into clothing stores, especially if it's for more than ten minutes. I hate them. I stood around for an hour doing nothing. I wanted to bite many times, I wanted to cry, I had suicidal thoughts, etc. And my mom just kept on trying more and more clothes, but it's not like I can ask her to leave in front of the store's helpers, nor can I explain to her how painful it all is for me.
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:25 pm
Awh. I wish I could help. I'm hear if you ever need to just talk.
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 4:33 pm
It does suck. I have to defend myself almost constantly. Gets very tiring.
At least she didn't give you a hard time. Still doesn't change the fact that you beat yourself up over the stress.
Ah, I can understand the hair thing. I'm glad my fiance is okay with my hair because I shed like crazy.
Urg. Shots. I am not envious of that. I hate needles. But I also hate clothes shopping. I don't like trying on clothes and I mostly dislike waiting around for other people to try on clothes. I hate being in the position to not freak out in public.
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 5:37 pm
I'm worrying about stuff wayyyyyyyy too much today x.x
Totally nervous about stuff at work and I don't even know what but it's to the point where I'm about to cry - I just feel like I forgot to do something or tell someone something and I don't know what. So of course, I'm automatically jumping to OMG THEY GUNNA FIRE ME! D;
I've sorta ... sat through and thought it out and whatever it is, they won't fire me - it would be highly illogical as I'd be hard to replace and there's nothing I could do that bad but I'm still sick to my stomach
That and I'm getting terrified about trying to get back to school (in quite a few years, mind you) because I'm afraid I'll be too old to succeed or have fun while I'm at school. First time through college I missed out of the fun because I got anxiety so bad I could hardly leave my room x.x
Any ideas on what would be too old to go to school to become a teacher? D;
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Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 8:28 pm
My personal opinion is you're never too old to go back to school, regardless of what you're aspiring to be.
I'm considering going back to school to be a teacher and I'm in my late 20's. I'd love to get my Ph.D and if I do decide to pursue that, by the time I'm done, I'll be in my early to late 30's. Still young in my opinion.
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Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:33 am
I wish there was a tip button in the guilds so you could show the person you got the message and appreciated it without having to post again xD
Thank you Peppercorn <3
Good luck with your dreams c:
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Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2012 8:15 am
Pink Peppercorn On Wednesday, my fiance and I were hanging out since it was his day off. We were watching some t.v., eating lunch, when all of a sudden I felt a panic attack coming on. I could feel myself tense up and my heart start going. I jumped up and he knew by the look on my face what was wrong. I started to pace because that's what I do for some reason and mid-stride I just stopped. I looked him in the eyes and I just said "No. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to let this happen." And I closed my eyes and I started to regulate my breathing. I started to say a prayer in my head and I went over to our bed and sat down. After a few minutes, I picked up my controller and he put on a game and I started to play to keep myself busy. And it actually worked. I was so proud of myself, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest. I know it's just one and that doesn't mean I'm better but for me, as bad as I know that attack was going to be, for me to have over-come it within a matter of 20 or so minutes, speaks wonders. It gives me hope for the future, as cliche as that sounds.
Then, later that day, my mom comes home and flips the fudge out on me. Pretty much my entire family feels like I am using my fears as an excuse not to get help. Apparently I love living this way. Even though ever since I had a panic attack in the store almost three weeks ago, I haven't left my apartment. Yesterday and earlier today were awful. She comes into the living room and picks a fight with me and when I tell her to leave me alone, it like spurs her on. And as soon as I start yelling or arguing back, she' like "Drop it. Leave me alone." It's so frustrating. She is so verbally abusive towards me when it comes to my OCD and panic attacks. Like once, she threatened to have me committed. So today when she said she was going to call the hospital about my OCD, I freaked out because I thought that's what she was doing she called me a "dumb-a**" for thinking I would do that. She said "Just because I said I would doesn't mean I was going to." I was like, WTF?! All because I told her I don't feel it's a good idea for her to move in my my little sister's dad who abused her on a regular basis when I was little. She says "he's changed". Yeah, men who beat on woman just wake up one day and decide not to do that anymore. But it's whatever. As co-dependent as I am with her at times,maybe it's what I need. It is scary since I've lived with her my whole life, for reasons I'm not going to get into ATM, but I guess it's for the best.
Ah, now I've rambled and I doubt anyone will read all of this. It's alright, I just needed to get it off of my chest. -hugs- Sorry I vanished. Life is just.. eh. I'm taking on too much and stressing myself out, and I know that I'm doing it, but I can't just drop all these things because they're all important. -sigh- I'm sorry your mom is like that. ): Mine is sometimes, too, but the worst is my dad.
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Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 4:11 pm
Now I feel awful for having not read what you wrote earlier D;
I was off in little OMGGONNABARFCAN'TBREATHESHAKINGSOBADLAND that I completely skipped over your post :c
1) Congrats on beating the attack <3
To me that would feel friggin fantastic (also, I think it's so sweet your fiance knew what it was. I'm literally d'awwwwing over here)
2) I'm really sorry your mum is being dumb like that D;
I get being frustrated but really, it's not your fault and she shouldn't be saying stuff like that.
If it's any consolation, mine gets like that too. I think the best thing is to just ignore it or blow it off as much as you can (perhaps a bad attitude, but it gets things done faster than arguing back for me)
Hope things get more like the first part of your post and less like the last half <3
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Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 11:42 pm
Even though it's late, Pink Peppercorn I'm glad you were able to get that panic attack under control. That's really wonderful.
I should be on more now that the semester is over. Though I'm a little scared about that. I think being busy thinking about projects and homework was keeping my anxiety at least.. sort of away. It's only been four days since my last class and I'm already getting this obsessive thoughts back about death and sicknesses and just, everything. It's worse because I also am taking a semester off, because I thought maybe I would need that.. but now, I'm thinking it was a really bad idea. I really don't know though. I also can never sleep. Even if I'm tired I'm up all night till 5 am or 8 am then finally fall asleep. So I sleep all morning and I don't want to do that, it's my only time alone in the day.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 10:59 pm
I love that I didn't even get a notice that you responded to my post. I'm pretty upset wih Gaia ATM. I wish I had gotten to read it sooner because it is so sweet.
For the most part, my mom and I are on better terms. While I have forgiven her for what she said, I can't forget it and it still hurts. Like you said, I try not to dwell on it too much though. I can't change how she feels or what she thinks. I'm more worried about myself and getting better. And I do have my man, who is so utterly amazing and understanding that it makes up for my mom on the days when she's just being a total meanie.
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Posted: Wed May 23, 2012 11:05 pm
Thank you so much.
Normally I would say "Yay!" to school being over but I'm sorry it stinks for you. That's one of the many reasons I wanted to get back into school. I felt that having homework and stuff to do would keep me busy enough so that I wouldn't be thinking about all the things that make me anxious and panic. I hope you're able to find something else though that will help keep you occupied. I also know how it feels to have trouble sleeping. My fiance can fall asleep mid-conversation, which leaves me tossing and turning. The other night I didn't fall asleep until like 6am and I was really upset. My mom makes me feel like crap for sleeping all day but sometimes I can't help it. It's not like I want to anyways. I may not work but I still have stuff to do. I like to keep the house nice for my man who works hard to support us.
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Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2012 7:31 pm
I'm working on a contest right now. Hoping maybe that will get people posting or something. Will post updates and an announcement when it's ready.
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