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 Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 5:59 pm
Szin twisted his position about, so he could lean against the wall of the tower and face Mikaril now. The time for star gazing was passed for him. He needed to consider Mikaril and decide how best to help him.Or if there was even a need to help him at all. For all he knew, the Goddess already had him in her hands and upon the path he needed to follow. Though, since Mikaril was looking directly at him now, Szin had to wonder if he was thinking the same thing as he was.
Maybe at least in a small part he was? Szin's lips curled upwards with Mikaril's admission. "Yes. The surface world is very large. It must be, in order to encompass all that lies within. It really is a amazing thing that you would come out so near to my own village." Szin lifted his hand up, so that he could summon a small moth shaped air elemental to the tip of his finger. with a light flick, he sent it off, so it would flutter about in the air between himself and Mikaril. "I am still not too surprised though. Mikaril...I think there was a reason that all of this has happened. Don't you?" His green eyes fixed on the other male as he struggled with the uncertainty of his words. He had faith, and it was strong. But he did not know if his faith was causing him to speak too quickly.
Szin leaned forwards a bit, the desire to just share what he was thinking made it hard for him to hold back. "Mikaril, I think She wanted me to find you. I can't help but think Her hand was in all of this. My wanderlust has all but died since I have returned home. I feel more at peace, I can't help but think it is because She needed me to follow the path I did...the path that caused us to meet. I really do think that She wanted you to make it this far."
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Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 8:37 pm
The thought that he might need help was the farthest thing from Mikaril's mind as he continued to observe his friend's features, slightly luminous in the mixture of starlight and the glow of the circus light. He could tell that his friend had some sort of inner conflict he was mentally working out; he could almost see it dancing about in his eyes along with the traces of stars.
He chuckled a bit. "I know; what are the odds, right? Though I am glad I was able to find someone familiar so quickly; I think it helps that you are already so at ease with this place; it rubs off on me a little. You have a way of making what I already consider to be amazing even better. Like the stars, and the plants.......all of this." He gestured vaguely to the forest and all of the mystery therein, like the tiny creatures that whistled and warbled in the towering trees and the flowers that grew in abundance instead of carefully nurtured in pots at an Underdark marketplace. His eyes fixed themselves on the moth and he felt himself smile as he followed it's slightly wobbly path, hovering between him and Szin and fluttering it's wings delicately.
"A reason?" Mikaril paused as he contemplated what Szin's reason could possibly be. Of course he was here because of the circus, of their pre-planned route, but Szin would not have known that their circus would come, or even that Mikaril himself would be a member of it's party. It did seem like a pretty staggering coincidence that they should meet here, when there were hundreds of other exits to the Underdark, and likewise hundreds of other villages full of potential enemies......and, Mikaril found himself grudgingly admitting, potential friends.
Mikaril didn't need any clarification when Szin spoke of this 'She'. He remembered the other's devotion to Eilistraee, and how even as they had hidden in the city and waited for the dangers to lessen, he had spoken with a sort of quiet passion about his deity and how she offered a life of peace and harmony in this, her world. But he still could not possibly comprehend the thought of a Goddess whom he had only heard of a few times, and only once in a good way, going through enough trouble to orchestrate his meeting back up with one of her devoted servants, when being a deity she would know very well that he was considered the property of Lolth. He knew enough to know that while love itself was powerful, it could not break chains or dispel enemies, and it would certainly not convince Lolth to loosen her sadistic hold on him. All he had to do was reach up and feel his ears to remind himself just how strong of a hold she and her followers had on him.
"Why?" he found the question blurting out of him, like steam from a long-sealed crevasse. "Why would she go through so much trouble for me? I'm nothing special; Lolth herself only keeps me in her grasp because every drow that she does not own angers her."
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Posted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 2:15 am
The question was not unexpected. How many others asked that too? Why? Why me? Why bother? Why now? There was always so many Why's involved. Sszin's lips curled upwards at Mikaril as he considered his words. Mikaril had so many years of teaching and conditioning. Just as he had known before, he knew now that he would not manage to completely unwork that damage in a single nights conversation. Szin carefully drew one of his fingers through his lavender hair and glanced upwards to the roof of the tower.
"My Goddess teaches us that every elf is special Mikaril." He decides to explain first. When one questioned one's self worth, it was hard to imagine a deity, so grand and powerful, could care in the least. He moves his hand from his hair and spreads his fingers out in a open gesture. "Mikaril, have you ever wondered why the gods demand we bend knee to them so often? Why they want us to give them thanks and recite over and over our loyalty to them?" He waited then, curious to see what answer Mikaril would form. He suspected it would be tinted with a bitterness. From what he had learned of the Spider Goddess, all she did seemed to be motivated by hatred and spite. It was a pitiful thing that she would make those who could love her suffer so. That was just her desire however, and one could not argue with the will of the Gods. At least, not when it came to some things.
"I was taught that the gods need us to verify their power. This is not because they need us to let them know how we feel. A God is powerful enough to know that just by a look." Sszin smiled a bit more. "It is because they need us to accept their power over us. If we acknowledge another, there is only so much a god can do. I have heard and been taught there are of course exceptions to this. I suspect there are rules that we do not know about. Such as disrespecting a god, there are consequences to that...but if we chose to faithfully follow one god over another...well. They can't determine that for us Mikaril. That is the one power we mortals have. The power of free choice. You can chose to believe you are hopelessly bound to Lloth, and in that choice you seal yourself to her. Or you can chose to believe that there is another would would warmly accept you no matter your past."
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Posted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 12:52 pm
Just as he had the first time he had had such a conversation with Szin, back when he knew him as Anon, Mikaril WANTED to believe him. It was a wondrous thought, having a Goddess that actually cared for the well-being of her worshippers and though still wanting their adoration, would rather they not kill themselves giving it. But it just couldn't be so. It had been driven into his skull countless times and often with pain to speed it along; if it sounded too good to be true, it always was. He knew that Lolth was a powerful, jealous deity, and anything that wasn't hers outraged her. Eilistraee could no more save his soul than he could will his ears to go back to being black and smooth.
As Szin anticipated, his answer was bitter. "They demand it of us. Lolth knows that she helped us out in the past and she wants to make sure that we pay her back until we all die off. They demand our loyalty, our lives, and everything we can possibly give, and if that isn't enough, which it never is, they demand even more. See why I have trouble imagining a Goddess that doesn't ask for all of that?" His bitterness wasn't aimed at Szin himself, but at the thought of his still continuing to be in debt when he wanted so much to be free. It didn't seem fair that even those who didn't claim any Goddess still had an obligation to pay them homage; it was like paying taxes for a city that you lived across the Underdark from and didn't even live in.
Mikaril hung his head in sadness, listening quietly to Szin's explanation. How simple his friend made it sound, that he could just choose to forsake Lolth and follow another path. But didn't his friend understand that Lolth took SO MUCH as a sign of disrespect? She was so easy to displease, and he had even said that displeasing a deity had its consequences. He remembered when he had been stretched upon the rack in his sister's playroom, burned and bleeding and waiting for the end to come. He had been so ecstatic about freeing his friend that he had practically bitten his thumb at Lolth herself, daring her to undo what he had done. His punishment for that would be forthcoming, he knew, but why add even more to it; he had already forsaken her......how much more insulted would she be if he turned to another deity for help? Not to mention he still wasn't sure if she would welcome the likes of him. He knew he was far from the worst drow out there, but he still had trouble giving himself that much self worth; even he knew that all the bad deeds he had done were like drops in a Glimmersea of wickedness.
His sigh came from deep within, where despair threatened to swallow him whole as it almost had in the inn, had tiredness kept him from pondering it as much. "I don't have a choice at all, Szin. I've always been marked for Lolth." He reached up and felt one of his velvety ears, not caring if the spell had been nagated by now or not. "Her touch lingers on me like a stain, and I don't think even your Goddess can wash it off."
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 8:47 pm
Sszin folded his fingers together and looked sadly upon Mikaril. Sometimes the hardest bonds to break were the ones you convinced yourself were incapable of being broken. No one could save Mikaril other then himself at this point. It was a little discouraging to say the least. Sszinaun was not too surprised by this outcome, though he had hopes that it would not have proven so dismal in feeling. Szin shook his head a little and pondered what other argument he could offer to Mikaril.
It was during this pondering that he realized that he had already hit upon the truth...Mikaril would not see or believe anything outside what he had come to accept as the unshakable truth. "No two gods are the same, as such you can not judge one God by the actions and demands of another." Sszin shifted how he sat, so he could lean forwards onto one knee. "Elistraee gives us strict rules, but she also gives us love. That is not something I could ever expect from Lloth. If I did I would be placing my faith into the hands of one who would not understand it's value. If you accept that all gods are the same and judge them in accordance to Lloth, you are being blind my friend. She is but one of many and you have been taught to shut your eyes and ears to the rest of the pantheon out of Lloths fear of them. She knows that if her flock were to realize there were other options, she would have nothing. Think of it Mikaril...would a goddess like her tell her followers the truth? Knowing that if they all had a honest choice, they may desert her? Think of how many young men would chose to turn their backs on a goddess that teaches they are worthless?"
It was all he could offer. A suggestion that his friend question, and keep questioning. If he did not..well...Sszin had to admit his mothers lesson about not being able to save every soul was a very hard one to accept...but he had learned it through experience. Perhaps that was all Mikaril needed...experience.
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Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 2:38 pm
It was too much.....too much like the last time they had conversed like this. Back then, Mikaril wanted to just slam his hands over his disfigured ears and not listen anymore, because listening only brought pain, the anguish of wanting something that you felt you were never destined to have, all because a Goddess that he had come to fear and hate since he was small just HAD to have him, if only to keep any other deity from claiming him. Back then it had been easier, sitting in a dark room of the inn, fatigued and waiting for the chance to escape to.....where? A LESS dark place in the Underdark? Here he was surrounded by flowers and stars, the most beautiful things he had ever seen, and proof positive that the surface world wasn't the Hell that he had been told it was. Here it was harder to deny the things being said to him, that someone up there might actually be able to love him, to give him what he had been wanting and had never been in his reach before. To think that after so long, it could possibly be there for him to grasp.....it made him feel as though his insides were tearing, in a way that he never thought could feel more painful than he had already felt before.
Already he could feel the pain seeping physically out of him, overflowing like a sloshed cup of hot liquid, and it took him a second to realize that he was feeling tears, hot and painful, running down his face like two newly-tapped streams of hot spring water. When was the last time he had actually cried? He honestly could not remember. The feeling was strange, almost like bleeding, but in that sense he welcomed it, for it seemed as though his heart was bleeding, beating in anguish against his ribs as it was being pulled apart like the soft meat that it was. "I can take rules, I've had rules all of my life, even if I didn't always obey them; it's love that I want. I see you with your parents and see how much they love you; that's something I've never had, and never had a chance to have with mine. It seems like it wasn't too long ago that I even knew what love really was and how much I wanted it, how much I would give for it....." He brought his hands up to his eyes, as though to stem the tears leaking from them, his throat getting thicker and his voice getting hoarser. "I feel as though I'm being selfish, because between Kyil, Ssu and now Mikky, I have more love than most males will ever have in their sad little lives, but even just for one second, I want to feel what you do, the love that comes from something so big that I couldn't even begin to imagine it drying up or running out. I don't want to follow someone who will never love me, who will always see me as useless, never good enough........who only keeps me so that I can never find something better....." He squeezed his eyes shut and glimpsed a momentary flash of a dream, one he had dreamt so long ago and yet he could still remember in such detail: where he had been stuck in a narrow hole, the exit just above him with the stars (he knew their name now) gleaming and winking tantalizingly overhead, but just as he reached his arm up to pull himself the rest of the way, he had been set upon by hundreds of tiny spiders, crawling on his arm and spinning webs more rapidly than any spider ought to, covering the hole with millions of tiny strings and obstructing his view of the promises above. Back then he hadn't even known that was what stars looked like........had Eilistraee been trying to reach him even then? Had she been waiting that long for him to find her? Even as Lolth had allowed Haellara to torment him, give him these horrible ears, had she tried to reach him anyway, and the Spider Queen had somehow missed it? Or had Lolth just redoubled her attentions to keep him from dwelling on those tiny bits of oddness that spoke of hope instead of terror, for fear of even one small male getting an idea that he could find what he was searching for elsewhere?
His voice dropping to a whimper, he lowered his head and brought his knees up, huddling there on the rooftop like a child, like the same child who had cried out for Lolth's help years ago and realized that no matter how passionate and sincere his cries were to her, he would always be met with cold, unfeeling indifference, even malice. "I don't want to be blind anymore. I don't want to be unloved anymore. I don't want my heart to be crawling around in the dark with the spiders......I want it up here, with the stars and the flowers.....with someone who loves me."
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2011 11:49 pm
The outpouring of emotion was something that Sszin had only seen a few times in his life. Converts who had made their way here to the surface, to this very temple, had often shown such tears upon their acceptance. Sszin had never been one to be the hand reaching out to steady and assure them however. It had always been the task of a priestess, it was part of their sacred duty. Sszin was merely a follower...but even as a follower he felt he could at least offer the support Mikaril needed now. If he did not receive this support, he could feel weak and easily wounded, he could turn back to Lloth if only to shelter himself against feelings that he had long been taught would lead to a agony filled death. Sszin shifted his position and edged closer to Mikaril. Once he was sitting beside the other, he tugged his sash from his waist and offered it to Mikaril for his tears.
"You need only ask." He replied in a soft voice. His green eyes watched Mikaril carefully as he tried his best to offer the right words to his friend. "Just call to her, in heart or voice. She will hear you Mikaril. She already loves you, I know this for a fact. You must simply put your faith in her, and she will accept you." He closed his eyes and debated what next to say. Should he mention the ceremony? For one so convinced that it would be difficult, even impossible to break free from Lloth, the ceremony could offer him the means to make that emotional leap himself?
"We have a practice. The priestesses can perform a ceremony for those who truly wish to convert. It has been performed many times and is very symbolic. If you honestly wish these things, I can speak with them tomorrow when they return from their watch. I am certain one of the priestesses would be willing to perform the ceremony for you tomorrow night Mikaril."
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Posted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:58 pm
Worn from his sudden emotional outburst, Mikaril accepted the sash with wordless thanks and carefully dried his streaming eyes. A small part of him felt foolish for breaking down and dissolving in shameful tears in front of his friend, but the rest of him assured him that he was in a place where such crying was alright, where it was a necessary step toward the feeling of liberation and release. There was nobody here to chastise him and tell him he was weak, only a concerned friend who certainly did not interpret tears as weakness like the rest of their kind tended to do.
It still seemed so easy; just believe? No pound of flesh offered up as tribute, or more to this one's taste to be sure, no gift of flowers or trinkets? All he had to do was......ask? Still, he did contemplate as his brain patiently became less waterlogged; male drow were taught not to ask, but to simply obey. Perhaps the simplicity of asking was meant to be symbolic, as well as to show that she offered her love for free, without any payment. It was so astonishing that such a priceless gift as a Goddess' love could come without a price at all. Mikaril closed his eyes tightly, the last remnants of teardrops making their way down his face. He remembered the last time he had appealed to a Goddess with such passion and desire; would this one prove to be more caring and less deaf than the Spider Queen? I need you, he found himself inwardly pleading, please accept me. I want your love and acceptance so much, and I'm sure you wouldn't ask me to give up the ones who already love me the way Lolth would. I know I can be of service to you, even if I am just a male, and a thief.......please just give me a chance to earn it! He had just paused to listen when he felt a very odd sensation deep down in his stomach; almost as though something nasty had been holding onto him and had suddenly let go. He even swore he caught the faintest whiff of a loathsome smell as it departed. What was left was a sort of quiet that he hadn't experienced since his very first sail onto the Glimmersea; a sort of depthless calm that felt as vast as the inky waters and just about as harmable. He was certain she had heard, but had she truly accepted him?
"Ceremony?" It took Mikaril a second to hear just what Szin was saying. Of course! Every deity had traditions and ceremonies; if he was to please her, he ought to do the thing properly, to show her how serious he was and how much he wanted it. And oh did he want it! He was certain that he could feel Lolth's presence getting smaller and smaller within, but he was willing to bet that a ceremony would be just the thing to shake off the last remnants of the Goddess who had had him under her thumb for so long. "Tomorrow?" He bit his lip as he felt a spasm of fear. He wasn't afraid of any retaliation on the Spider Queen's part, but the word 'tomorrow' made him realize; he had been gone almost all night! Surely SOMEONE had noticed his absence by now and was looking for him! And when he did walk back to the circus.....what would happen? Would Ssu demand to know where he had been and then forbid him from leaving the next day? What if the priestesses decided not to do the ceremony if he did not return the next day and he missed out on it? Or worse, what if he stayed confined until the circus LEFT the surface world altogether?! He wanted this SO badly and he was SO close! "Well....." He reached up and scratched the back of his head, the way he usually did when he felt sheepish or nervous. As he brought his hand down, he felt his fist clench. No, he thought, I will not let it happen. I WILL prove myself; I'll be here tomorrow if I have to sneak out. Ssu will understand; she HAD to understand. And Kyil......dear Kyil; constant and true keeper of his secrets; how would he feel when he finds out just what his beloved master had done with his newly reclaimed soul?
He looked over at Szin and nodded seriously, handing the other back his scarf. "Tomorrow it shall be then; I'll be here, no matter what."
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Posted: Fri Jul 22, 2011 4:56 pm
There was a look that Szin would almost liken to pain on Mikarils face as he prayed. What thoughts went through his head now? What were the words he was forming? If he could only look inside, he knew he'd have been able to gently redirect his thoughts along a more correct path. Hmm, but was that too arrogant of him to believe? Thinking that just because Mikaril was new to this, to the following of ones heart to a goddess that did not demand evil acts but condemned them, that he would somehow be making a mistake in his earnest attempt of a prayer? Inwardly he felt as if he had just shamed himself.
Sszin shifted a little and allowed the silence to continue until Mikaril finally looked back to him. There seemed to be a weight gone from his eyes, a sort of relief that he felt could only have come with finally accepting Sszin's words for truth. He smiled at his friend and waited for his answer. He expected the agreement of course, and he rose. There was certainly something very reassuring in knowing that there had to have been a purpose in his capture and trek through darkness. If nothing else he had helped bring another to the Goddess, surely she would be pleased. Sszin nodded as he opened the trapdoor so he could gesture Mikaril down through it. "Excellent. I shall speak with them and have the preparations made. For now though, it is late. Would you like to stay the night or shall I escort you back to the circus?"
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:09 pm
If Szin was having trouble imagining how his Goddess ought to be prayed to, Mikaril was having even more trouble just forming the words to a simple and earnest prayer. He felt as though it had been a lifetime ago since he had done a proper prayer, and that was to a Goddess that he had always felt fear for, never love or the thought that he might be held as dear as any female. It made him feel so awkward, as though a single incorrect word might cause her to turn her love to scorn. To him her love was like a fragile gemstone, able to shatter with the slightest breath. Only time would help him to realize just how strong the Goddess' love could be.
Still assuring himself of his return, Mikaril slowly got up, stretching his legs out after spending a long time sitting down. He really did want to spend the night there with his friend, and perhaps even learn more about the Goddess he had just beseeched, but then he thought of poor Kyil, spending the entire day worried about him while the entire circus would be turned upside down trying to find him. Ssu would be furious enough as it was if she ever found out that he had strayed so far from the circus on his first night there. If he could somehow sneak back to his wagon before Ssu found out, perhaps he could convince Ssu that he had been close by there the entire time, preotecting Kyil and Mikky and trying to stay out of the fatiguing sun? If she thought that he had never left the circus to begin with, it would surely be easier for him to sneak off again the following night.
Mikaril shook his head and smiled as he followed Szin's gesture and walked down the steps, putting the starry sky behind him. "Thank you for the offer, but I think I should head back. Staying away for so long will only worry Kyil and Ssu, and I need to make it seem as though I didn't wander off, or she might make it harder for me to come tomorrow night. Though I will need some help getting back; do you think you could meet me at the edge of the woods and we could walk back here together?"
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