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 Posted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 6:39 pm
There Came Forth One
In the dark of the night
There came to me
A vision of bright lights and sound
In front of my eyes
A stage was illuminated
As a shroud of fog billowed in
From amid the shroud
There came forth one
Bearing mighty rods in each hand
Then there appeared in front of him
An immense drum
Colored blood red
With rods in hand
The one struck the drum
In rapid rhythmic succession
He laid down the beat
For his fellow mates
Who followed soon thereafter
As I continued to watch
There came forth two more
Each with an instrument their own
One played low and provided a beat
Much like the drummer before him
The other played high and provided a tune
To complete the ensemble of sound
Their music permeated
The air all around
As from the darkness
Another came forth
This one was different
From his brothers before
For in his hand
A mic was firmly gripped
He is the Speaker
The one with the message
He has come to share it with all
So listen well
You audience of one
For they perform
For each individual
Open your heart
And embrace their words
So your lips may embrace
A smile
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Posted: Tue Apr 20, 2010 5:36 pm
Who is This Man?
Who is this man that feels no pain?
He sits back and watches life fade away.
Fade away.
Doesn't it all just fade away?
Who is this man that feels no pain?
What, then, does he feel?
Can he feel love without feeling pain?
Does he know how to cherish?
What, then, does he cherish?
Who is this man that has no eyes?
He is blind to the world and cannot see.
He accepts what happens because he cannot see.
He cannot see the better time behind him.
Who is this man that has no eyes?
If this man cannot see, does that mean he has faith?
Is he saved simply because he cannot see?
What, then, is saved?
Are not we all sinners?
Who is this man that has no voice?
He cannot express himself to the world.
His tongue has been stilled due to his sin.
No more to spout his sinful speech.
No more to swing his double-edged sword.
Who is this man that has no voice?
His tongue had no use for righteousness.
It had no use for righteousness.
So what, then, is righteousness?
What, then, is righteousness?
Aren't we all sinners?
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Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 9:02 pm
[[Depression of Black and White]]
I enjoy your vocabulary in this piece. Favorite line being "I am the escape for when life imprisons you." However, I believe it would make a good effect, and be far more pleasant to the eye if you continued the start of your lines with "I am"... and for the second stanza... "But, I am" And for the third "You are" An example being...
But I am the one who will bring you down
But I am the one who will spin you round
But I am the one who will make you feel trapped
But I am the comfort you feel I do distract
But I am the black permeating your white
But I am the darkness consuming your light
[[The Beast]]
Let me start by saying in this poem my favorite line is "And I would bid them farewell, farewell" I believe the farewell being repeated got me on this one. Made me shiver. Anyways, There's not much to say about this poem. I have a few things I would like to clarify though. The beast and the rapist are can I say... enemies. And this beast isn't a beast that we would think of , but more of a hero right? I'm thinking something might have happened to a friend of yours that inspired this. Made you angry at another for hurting this someone. But, I don't know you and therefore can be completely wrong on my guess haha. One thing you could change is...
"Knowing they were protected by this beast"
"Knowing they were protected by A beast"
I'm not sure why... but I love the power of A in this line.
All together these two poems are fairly well done. With some revision they could be great pieces of work.
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Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 10:54 pm
[[The Idol]]
Honestly, this is my least favorite I've read so far. There are many forced rhymes in this poem and just odd all together for what I've seen of your writing so far. It's out of character for you. First stanza, I wouldn't change it... not yet at least. Alright, I started writing paragraphs about each stanza and realized what help would it be to point out everything you probably know about this poem already so here we go...
I believe this poem will be much better without trying to rhyme and turning it into a flow instead.
There I said it. I don't agree with most of the rhymes in this poem at all, especially the last stanza, However, making this into a story line poem will do it justice. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So far this is the only poem I didn't agree with. You are a much better writer then this and I know everyone likes to put most of their work out there and I do too, but I don't like this one.
[[Anger]]
On a much much MUCH happier note, I L.O.V.E this poem, it being my favorite thus far. You're back to you in this. I had to read this one out loud actually, And that's not always a bad thing. Out loud, you get the passion of the poem and the story. Just reading in your head, it's a bit hard to understand. Overall there's really nothing I would change in this, but there are somethings that I would like to make a suggestion on. Because I love this poem so much I'm going to put the whole thing up with my suggestions!
P.S THIS POEM DOES NOT BELONG TO ME! THIS IS GAZMA'S AND NOT MY OWN AT ALL! All credit goes to Gazma and Gazma alone!
Burns
It burns
This heat inside me
Burning like a fever
This fever
This contagious fever
Consuming them without their knowledge [I've switched the 5th and 6th lines here]
It spreads like wildfire
On fire
They are all on fire
Burning with this fever
All see
But none care
[new stanza please]How do we quell this persistent flame?
The fire dies down to smoldering embers
But those embers always [always what? or if you are stopping right there add three dots. . .]
The fuse reignite
[new stanza again]Burning
We are all burning
Beg you
Please, I beg you
Douse my flame
[My flame]Before it consumes [Instead of me add three dots . . . as if it has already consumed. It adds a bit of art to this piece]
So, as of now I have critiqued four poems and three of four poems I have liked, which is good. Great job, I'll be back on again to look at more of your work, but for now I'm heading off to bed. Great job, Keep writing!
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Posted: Sun Apr 25, 2010 6:20 pm
Criticism duly noted. Here's the break down of my thoughts:
[[Depression of Black and White]]
Quite honestly, I don't agree. As I've told others, I cannot explain why certain things are incorrect about literature-I just know. In my opinion, putting "But I am" at the beginning of the second stanza would be more of a hindrance than providing an easier flow. As for the "You are" in the third stanza, I already did this. I know its hard to tell for my lack of punctuation but every two lines in that stanza a new sentence starts. If you look at it this way, I put "You are" at the beginning of all the sentences. That provides the flow I wanted.
[[The Beast]]
In answer to your queries: Yes, I suppose the beast could be interpreted as a hero of sorts. The reason why I refer to him as a beast is because-whether it is seen as good or evil-the fact is that he is killing the rapist. This follows the "two lefts don't make a right" philosophy. Whether it be for good or evil, killing is never the answer, so he becomes a beast.
You hit the nail on the head, doc. It seems everyone I run into these days has been involved in a rape. I've become a magnet for such people I suppose you could say. I finally had enough and wrote this poem one night. Poetry seems to help me release bottled up feelings. Rather effective it seems.
As for your alteration, I don't think it would really strengthen the line by changing it to A. By saying "this beast" I guess I'm clarifying that I am the beast. "A" is too general. What kind of beast would we be talking about? A bear? A wild dog? No, that line can stay as it is.
[[The Idol]]
Honestly? I agree with you. It was rather forced when I wrote it. The feelings that inspired my other work weren't there, I guess. You just might convince me to go back and change this one...Either that or just delete it.
[[Anger]]
Whether lines 7 and 8 are switched or not makes little difference in my opinion. I don't think either has more impact than the other, so that will remain the same.
It seems there was a bit of confusion with the last two lines of what you've made the second stanza:
"But those embers always
The fuse reignite"
I've found that it's necessary sometimes to use Yoda speech to acquire the rhythm/rhyme I'm going for. In proper sentence form this line would read: "But those embers always reignite the fuse" You understand the line now? That is why I don't see the need for your suggestions there.
Now for your final suggestion to add the ellipse (...) at the end of the poem. I guess it's just my style. By finishing out the line with "me", I voice the plea that this poem is really meant to be.
And that wraps it up. Hope my explanations were enough to satisfy you. I look forward to your critiques on my other work. I hope that they please you as much as these first works have.
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Posted: Mon Apr 26, 2010 8:12 am
Words
Words are words
A force all their own
Unique to all
To each his own
A different meaning
For every tongue
Interpreted differently
By everyone
We each have a choice
To make with our words
To build up and prosper
Or destroy and burn
Some use wisdom
When choosing their words
But others are foolish
And destroy unconcerned
All I will ask
Is one simple thing
Think before speaking
And I'll do the same
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 10:02 am
I literally got chills when I finished reading White Bride! Definite fan!
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 3:29 pm
Glad to see that you liked it. mrgreen As always, you can find my work in the arena as well. Did anything else strike your fancy?
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Posted: Thu May 13, 2010 8:25 am
Who Are You?
Who are you to question life?
Question pain, question strife?
And who are you to cast away?
Leading false, lead astray?
Who are you to cut so deep?
Straight to the heart without losing sleep?
Who are you?
Do you even know?
What face do you go by when you're all alone?
How do you hide the pain that you cause?
Is there a guide you go by,
Or do you make your own laws?
So who are you?
Have you decided yet?
Do you still deny the love that you felt?
Now, who are you?
You have decided.
Your resolve is unshakeable,
But you are still lacking.
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Posted: Sat Jun 05, 2010 11:03 am
My Confession
"Look at me, please..."
She begs of me
As a saddened smile
Twists her face in pain.
"I cannot," I say
With a heavy sigh.
"For I would do so
For all the wrong reasons."
"I don't care!" she says.
Her plight is clear.
"I just want one glimpse.
Look on me just once,
So I know that
You truly love me."
"But you know that I love you."
I say to her
As my eyes find a point
Just beyond her face.
"Even now you won't look.
Not even to keep me
From walking away."
Then my eyes found
The place she once sat.
Her legs had already
Carried her away.
I watched her figure
Disappear in the distance
As I silently whispered my confession.
"The truth is I looked.
Several times I looked.
I cherished every moment I saw you.
I saw you, my angel,
And the whole world fell away.
When you asked me to look,
I simply could not.
But it wasn't because I didn't love you.
If I gazed into your perfect eyes,
I would see myself reflected in them.
I couldn't stand the sight,
I couldn't stand the image,
Of seeing myself in you.
So forgive me, my love.
I love you, I truly do..."
So ended my confession-
Pain built up over years.
Unable to chase her, my love,
I rose and left in the opposite direction.
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Posted: Mon Jun 14, 2010 6:46 pm
Don't Forget Me
Don't forget me!
A whisper
A thought
A murmur
A plight
The last words that echoed
Through that cold, lonely night
Don't forget me!
A dream?
It's reality
A scream
It's purgatory
The forever turning cog
Of this turmoil factory
Don't forget me!
That was it
Her last words
Her last sentence
Her last thought
Before she vanished
Don't forget me!
This is it
This is my mark
My existence lonely
My heart clouded dark
I'll leave you with this
My last will and testament
Forget not my face
Forget not my eyes
I've finished my race
And I've won my prize
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Posted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:09 pm
Satellites
Do you see them?
See them now?
The thousands of satellites
Falling to the ground?
Watch them burn
Through the air
Catching the stars
In their flare
See them change
Look again
Like fallen angels
They descend
Former glories
Left behind
Lost forever
In the race against time
Look once more
A final change
Beast demented
Beast deranged
Senses loss
Inhibitions failing
Like scuttled fish
Bodies flailing
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Posted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 3:34 pm
Chasing Clockwork's Infinity
Here I am between the heavens and this Earth
I chase one man-call him Clockwork
The master of it all-he determines my fate
I am sent on my spiral by this fiend
He tempts me with his power
"Come have a taste of infinity"
I refuse and the chase ensues once more
Through time and, yes, even through space
I have chased him since my youth
My efforts always were in vain
But never did I give up on my quest
"Curse you, demon! I'll have you yet!"
What power have I in the end?
My body has aged in my pursuit of this phantom
My joints ache with Clockwork's strain
He has been sapping my strength this whole time
"So it has been all in vain in the end..."
I fall to the ground as my strength begins to leave me
Only then does Clockwork show himself
"Not in vain, friend. Your journey is just beginning."
Taking my hand, he lifts me to my feet
I feel my strength return to me as my body is renewed
"Your race was valiant, now here is your reward:
Take my place as Clockwork of this realm.
Lead these lost people and make them chase you.
When they too finish their race,
Reward them as I have rewarded you."
The body of my youth had returned as Clockwork vanished
But Clockwork never vanishes, does he?
In the end, the idea of Clockwork only changes bodies after all.
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Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:23 pm
The Gentle Hands
The hands
That swept away the ashes
Were gentle
But little did they know
the tomb they uncovered
Would become their own
"Help us!" They cried
Desperately they cried
But their friends had vanished
Their hope was left in darkness
The light they had noticed
Now faded from their eyes
The gentle hands
Still sifted through the ashes
Might the light be found again?
"If only our tears
Could be heard from this place
We have entered!" cried one
"How I long for the day
That your hands can
Cares me once more."
The gentle hands
Now black from the ashes
Cringed
As they found a single ember
One trace of light
Now lay uncovered
When all at once
All of the ashes
Sparked to life
As glowing embers
Those dull eyes
Came to life once more
As those gentle hands
Uncovered their faces
"Your tears can reach me now.
I have pulled you back from the brink."
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Posted: Sat Jul 03, 2010 5:36 pm
I really connected to Satellite, Who is this Man, Words, and Don't Forget Me. For me, these are the best of what I've read here (though admittedly, I'm a skimmer). The obscurity of Satellites drew me in, made me question. Who is This Man? was also a deep thinking poem, a study on the nature of what we are (and aren't). Don't Forget Me drew on a whole well-spring of what feels like untapped feeling and possibly experience. Each one evoked a different set of feeling and sensations; but all were powerful and left me asking questions. I love this kind of poetry, because it's left open for any reader to come to it and connect their own past and experiences to the emotions that you present them with. Rather than imposing, it is a poet's job to suggest and invite- you have invited me to a world where every suggestion leads to a new door of thought, feeling and meaning. I can't wait to see more of this ilk, this brand of poem from you! ((sorry, had to use that word. I just enjoy it- what kind of poet doesn't enjoy a word like ilk? lol ^_^))
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