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 Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:41 pm
Wow!
My computer keeps shutting down on me - will be getting a new one next week and be able to reply better - I never know when this one is just going to go on me. I will hope that this reply has enough time to be typed and sent.
We all say things that we only partially mean - especially when we are stressed with a lot of things in life. I can not speak for your mother here because I do not know her or you or what the past has been. There are toxic relationships, dysfunctional, abusive, good, bad, etc....
I know that there have been times that my children have threatened to never speak to each other again and both were in the right in certain ways and both were somewhat wrong. I can only counsel what I did my children - sometimes we have to be a little bit bigger than ourselves for the sake of our children - do we want them to have relationships with their aunt/uncle/grandparent,etc more than we want to retain our pride or hurt or is the relationship really that bad? I just hope that a little time and thought can ease the path that you must ultimately choose for yourself, because only you really know what is best for you, your husband, and the family that you and he will create together. If there is a shoulder you need to cry on - I will be happy to be there. If you need words of encouragement to hang in there a little longer and forgive - I will try to be there for that, too.
We care!
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Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 6:42 am
Captain~Fleatch WELL I have been disowned by my mother.. Long time coming I guess.. As she said I can't do anything right .... She didnt say anything but hung up.. Hasnt called me since so Im guessing its true. biggrin Well im happy <3 No more stress less panic attacks... Wow. Just...wow. The good news is, yes, you've said what's on your mind and you haven't had to deal with any attacks from her since then. Well done! The better news is that it actually sounds like your mom may have realized she was embarrassing herself. Or will realize it. Either way, that's good. When people hang up, it's because what the other person said was shocking to them and they can't think what else to do. So either it really hit her that all you were hearing from her was negative, and she couldn't face knowing that, or else she was so angry that you weren't willing to eat sh*t (again) that she decided to punish you by not being available for a while and letting you see how you liked life without her. The first option means she's taking this time to feel resentful and hurt and get other opinions and then finally hear her own heart and admit that maybe she's been giving you the rough side a bit too often. She's had more practice than you at learning when things could be better put or kept to oneself and, even if she still feels she was in the right, will at least be willing to put on her game face and work hard to be a positive in your life. It's actually possible she feels closer to you than anyone and has fallen into the trap of "being herself" (like the emotional equivalent of always wearing ratty sweats) a bit more than is acceptable. The second option means she's stewing and taking the time to feel resentful and hard-done-by, and will most likely realize over time that she misses you and your daughter, and...you don't seem very fussed about getting back in touch with her...oh dear...you horrible ungrateful child...which puts her on a later track to follow the same path as the first option. Really, the big difference is in whether she's a fast learner or a slow one. The lesson is a simple one: you don't have to take her abuse, and she doesn't have to give it - no matter the intentions. Tact is a hard word in families. Once everyone has had time to get to that realization, hopefully you will have a much better relationship with each other than you ever thought possible. It doesn't always happen...but I'll hold out hope.
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Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2009 8:00 am
You both are so incredible awesome!
I have tried countless times to not be negative and make things better but it always bites me on the butt so this was the final straw.. I was tried of her calling me a bad mom when ever I put my baby in a playpen for ten minutes of cool down time when the whole time she watched her left her in there.. Being fussed at for not making every meal home made and sneaking in extra veggies in a meal. To her that meant I was making her look like a bad mom...
I was just fed up with being told I was worthless and being told I almost killed her every birthday I had since I could remember ...
Yavine she is actually the second option she will call me but not to say she misses me but to cry about how I am holding back my child from her and ruining everyones life by not letting them see her.. She has cause mike to have two mental break downs in two months and Im sorry our mental health is at stake... I have been depressed for months/ years because of this and Im just mentally tired and its making me put a less effort of feelings towards my kid cause im scared I will be like her... I never saw kaylee as a mistake as a miracle Yes I was scared and thought about getting rid of the pregnancy but that was because I didnt wanna be my mom and our financial state was iffy... But I was wrong kaylee is a happy outgoing spaz who the doctors actually call us for when they get to see her again! and Im always praised by the doctors that they have never seen a happier baby... I just wish my mom had seen that too instead of saying I am ruining kaylee.
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Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 6:15 pm
Hang in there! You sound like you are much more conscious of these negative behaviors - you will , probably, then be better able to sense them in your own and your child's life and stop them - rather than pass them on. It is a decision we all make as mothers and fathers - what do we want to pass on as our legacy to our children/grandchildren and what is acceptable behavior. And if we blow it once in a while, we get over it and continue to make those choices all the time - just like a successful diet - we haven't failed if the majority of the time the choices were correct and good.
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Posted: Sat Apr 11, 2009 9:09 pm
Thanks, Ms Jo! I couldn't have said it better myself! And to frame things in a happier way - what you're doing right now is showing your daughter how to set limits on relationships. You're showing her that there is a way to free herself from negative influences without resorting to violence or running away. You've said what needed saying to your mother, and you are waiting for her to be more level-headed in her dealings with you. If that waiting period is the remainder of her life, that is unfortunate, but necessary. Every child deserves to know their grandparents, but even more they deserve to see their parents as people worthy of respect. Good job giving her someone to look up to!
And yeah...on a more direct note...she's calling you to remind you she's not talking to you and that that upsets her because she can't see your kids? Wow. This may sound really insensitive, but...well...is she going through menopause right now? That sounds like the kind of mood swings I associate with major hormone havoc. Then again, from what you say this has been an issue for a very long time. Hrm. Well, at least her goal is for your daughter to grow up well. On that, at least, you can both agree. Even if you can't do so face to face.
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 6:39 pm
Isn't it interesting that we are constantly having to learn how to set boundaries in so many areas of our lives? Especially the relationship areas! sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:16 pm
No kidding! Like the eerie way my MIL and I seem to be getting along now, while at the same time one of my sisters can't be bothered to give me the time of day. Go back 5 years, and things were the complete opposite! Weirdly, this configuration works better for me - less worry about living up to my sister's expectations, plus more opportunities for my kids to enjoy loving grandparents. I always wished I had good grandparents, but...well, I knew what my grandparents were like, and I really learned not to expect much from them. I don't feel I missed out, exactly - but I feel that they did, and I feel a bit sorry for them.
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Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2009 2:43 am
That is what is the saddest, in the long run, isn't it? What we or others miss out on and never know because we/they are too headstrong or 'ornrey to change! Life is so fleeting and can be so much more if we would just let love grow instead of suspicion(sp?), or control, or......
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:40 pm
You guys are the best and yeah everything is just insane..
Ahhh but things have been better kaylees attitude seems to be improving so i'm thinking my mom had something to do with it..
I finally got kaylee to be okay with her bed
She is 24 pounds and like 30-31 and a half inches tall WOW
I talked to the doctor about how she was throwing up when she tried whole milk
Well the doctor said she was probually having trouble breaking down the lactose which is weird because she was drinking normal formula fine but we just laughed and said she is an odd on as we watched her climb on the scale and look up.
SO we got Lactaid found it in whole milk and its 100% lactose free so she still gets alot of the fat she needs.. HOW AWESOME IS THAT!! even my Mil and Fil are making helpful efforts by buying some for their house... XD I even promised kaylee that if she gets off of formula my mom's day I would by her lactose free chocolate milk
Go me
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Posted: Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:39 pm
Could be a sensitivity to something in the processing, too. If the Lactaid stuff doesn't do it, try organic, or try rice milk (I prefer it to soy milk my own self). Some lucky people are actually allergic to the anti-foaming agents used in pretty much every commercially available beverage out there. Guh.
I found that every time my SIL went haywire and berated us in front of whichever child it was for parenting wrong, that kid had a lousy attitude for a while after and would behave as if a "no" from the parents was negotiable - all they had to do was find someone else to tell them yes. In the end, it took more punishments than usual to remind them that, in fact, rules are rules and breaking them is not okay. Which was hard on both me and the kid. The *second* time it happened and I explained to my SIL that she was teaching our children to be disobedient, she rolled her eyes and refused to apologize because she was "right". I took away two lessons from that: 1)Kids are always paying attention, even when you or someone else doesn't think so, and 2)My SIL has issues about something that happened to her around age 18 months, whether she is aware of it or not. (Same response, same age of child, always something about discipline.)
If it's a one-time incident like mine, it's bad enough, but I can't imagine what it would be like for Kaylee to hear her mother getting browbeaten regularly. Especially not by someone else she loves. Children in that kind of stressful situation will tend to act out, if only to express the dis-ease they have with feeling like they're in the middle. I am very glad to hear she is feeling more peaceful now.
And as a random end note, other sources of yummy fat for kids: coconut and avocado! My kids aren't fans of coconut, but guacamole is pretty much a staple in our house.
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Posted: Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:08 am
The milk is actually working infact she might be off of formula soon because she isnt having any issues at all with it so im proud of her biggrin
And yeah Ugh kaylee used to be an angel when we went out to eat. I would prep talk her before we went in like say if its before nap time or what ever I would be all if you need to sleep ask me and I will hold you. Or If you need stuff you know how to ask. Of course this is the same child who oddly has to have a napkin in her lap.. For some reason after a few lunches alone with my mom she was terrible she would scream and act like terrible instead of her old self who would eat and talk to us in her cute baby words and try to share her food nap needed or not! We finally went to lunch with out my mom after the whole thing she sat there ate quietly giggled when me and my husband cracked a retarded joke and then when we ALL got out of hand she was right there with us! biggrin We got out well behaved kid back no more fussing at her when we go out. XD Now to get her out of this new thing of bouncing on the couch cause its BOUNCY!!
And right now we noticed she is reaching the age were we need a solid disapline system for her but I can't seem to find a system for her except time out and that drives her crazy.
Her personality.
Can't sit still
Always wanting to help
Keeps to her self
finds everything funny (like randomly standing on her head thats the best thing it seems)
gets frustrateed easy
I tried the whole time out with a minute for your age ( i do two minutes with her beause sometimes her stuff is terrible!)
She is really actually well behaved
She ask for books
she sits on the couch and watches noggin and trys to copy the shows
she pulls books off the shelf (but what baby doesnt!?)
she even trys to keep all her toys in the corner i have them in if they get out of control she slowly brings them back..
Her biggest reason for time out is that she learned how to move the gate to the stairs and follows us ..
XD
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Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 1:52 am
What a wonderful, learning and growing child! You should be proud of her and you - you are learning, too. It took me a long time to be able to pat myself on the back for the good things and not just cringe with every bad thing that my children did - instead of just realizing they were just being the age appropriate behaviors that all children go through! I never did think it was me when they did the wonderful things - I was always astonished and wondered where they learned the nice things from - go figure!
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Posted: Sun Apr 19, 2009 7:08 am
I know!
I used to read and watch a lot of child care books WAY before I had kids due to babysitting stuff I would do so I would always try to disapline kids the right way for age appropriate stuff..
And I never blame my self for it XD I always know she is just a growing learning girl! As I have been told she was born with manners because she see i hold the door open for people to be nice and now she helps. She saw people used napkins at resturants and has to have one too.
My mom would always blame me for the stuff she did.. XD now if she copied a word I said I would take the blame i mean ;D im a free spirit I say what I think and if a curse word was in it I apologize! So Im cutting back on that!
Ahhh And I have been making simple stirfry with rice and veggies lately >: D and its tricked her into eatting eggs All home made no recipie or packets!
XD my FIL says Im a natural in the kitchen and wishes he could just make recipies like I do... biggrin I just love to cook and I will just sit in the kitchen and be all HMMM what can I make today!
I mean who doesnt love meatloaf..
I made meatloaf burgers the other day because I wanted a hamburger AND a meatloaf biggrin they were so yummy i was asked to make them again.. and they were healthy too being made with turkey.. biggrin ahh foooood
Im looking for a night time day care right now if I cant I might look for a stay at home job i just dont know how that works -___-
not because i dont want her to its just she can be a bully and Im worried that if we find one they might try to enforce potty training... Even though I have a feeling she might be ready next year so Im gonna go buy some toilets so she can see them so she can get the idea and just let her go at her own pace from there she is that kinda kid so XD!!!!
Oh lord biggrin my brain is running a mile a minute !
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Posted: Mon Apr 20, 2009 12:52 am
But it is running in the RIGHT direction! 4laugh
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Posted: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:48 pm
great update!
My mood has improved now its back to my normal panics stuff..
I might have to quit my job due to lack of 24 hour day cares (you think they would have those...) So im on the hunt for at home jobs which mike is concerned about..
I just need 300 dollars every three weeks I told him I could learn to make clothes since I have so many ideas and doing it for babies by using the old dresses as a size canvas and he is worried about that ... UGH I can sell those any where and he just has no faith Who would love it at a convention or a Childrens festival to find halloween coustumes hand made Hell if I find the materials.. ORGANIC! I wanna make a faerie costumes cause kaylee loves faeries and dresses to save money on our list of clothes we need and make more blankets for her and maybe a skid free cloth blanket looking like rug for those people who HATE those plastic mats cause they are boring looking my daughter hates her high chair so she eats in her portable one sometimes on the floor (because she likes to feel all grown up that she can crawl in it by her self) And I can only use so many towel!
But of course mikes is all >3> I dont know.. I went mike D: Flea markets etc think of what we can do! and he is all >3> UGH
I also found a mom group they are having a meeting on the 17th O: I cant wait!
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