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Even better, my DAD's used that pun before. Bow your head in shame. Now.

Fen just doesn't know what to do with her. He's still new to this, remember.

I figured out what was going on with the quotes. When I edit things, I use Track Changes so I can see what I've been doing more easily. When I accept the changes I've made, I think it occasionally blurs two sets of speech marks together, instead of taking one pair out.

You mean I'm not omniscient? razz Yeah, I keep debating with myself what to do about these bits, because they introduce a couple of useful bits of information. I think your comments decide it though - I'll take them out, and put the stuff I need in Fen's section at the end.

Of course he didn't want her to get killed! Jeez.

Oh, interesting. Hm, having a forest fire wouldn't quite work - maybe I could go with some kind of magically enhanced fire/fire-bomb.
Sarri's still a little way away from the flames, so they're not unbearably hot at that point. Also, her powers mean that she's somewhat resistant to fire - it sprouts out from her palms and doesn't hurt her, for goodness sake - she's just not especially aware of this. It's a bit like an instinct; when something like fire threatens her, her powers will automatically shield her, so while she can feel the heat, it won't burn her. It's explained a bit later on, but perhaps I should move it up here instead. If Fen's going to get a big section at the end of the chapter, it would fit in quite nicely with his musings about Sarri's powers.

Honestly, Sarri's so overwhelmed at this point that her reactions aren't quite normal.

Surnames in a lot of countries are formed from the names of your parents. I thought it would be something different from the fantasy norm of 'X's-son'. Sarri's parents were called Kif and Rosenna, so she becomes 'Sarri Kifrosenna'. Fen's mum is Annia, and he's named after his father, thus 'Fen Anniafen'. There's not a rule for which way round the names go, it's just up to the parents to decide what sounds better.
I think if you've got a case where a parent/parents names aren't known, you'd have 'X's-child' (or something), or a surname would have to be invented for you.

I'm glad you still like Fen. Try not to get mad at him when he has his angry moment in chapter 2! Which is up, so you shall read it, yes? razz

Chapter 3 (part 1)

Two years later.

Thick double doors swung open to reveal a towering, middle-aged man. His lips were thin, cruelly thin, and exaggerated by a long, greasy moustache, copper red in hue. His hair was the same colour, with a small balding patch in the middle.
At his arrival, three other men sprang from their chairs, the Captain knocking over his ale. Brown liquid spilled over the solid wooden table and cascaded onto the tiled floor. Their laughter, which had previously echoed throughout the inn, was smothered in an instant.
‘I see you discipline your men well, Captain,’ the newcomer growled, his Common tainted with a heavy Kjin accent. ‘They’re far less clumsy than you are.’ He turned his head to someone outside the room. ‘Clean it up, girl! Before next year or one of these gentlemen’ – his voice took on a scornful tone - ‘will be giving you a taste of their sword!’
He strode into the room and took the chair at the head of the table. A stooped girl scurried after him, closing the door behind her. She wore a simple red dress, the hem of which was covered with mud. She curtsied quickly to the man; then looked around despairingly. Abruptly, she started to make shapes with her hands. Her master laughed. A low, cold laugh.
‘If you cannot find a cloth then use your dress, insolent beggar!’ He kicked out at her, missing, but making the girl recoil, though she didn’t make a sound. Her face was revealed for the first time. Wisps of hair emerged from a loosely tied headscarf, the dark strands framing thin, sallow cheeks. One had a brand - a bright red snake (which stood out fiercely from her nearly black skin), curled around a ball – burned into it; the brand of a slave belonging to Raider General Cender. Dullness in her tired eyes showed many years of misuse.
‘When I address you, you will answer, or…’
Terrified, the girl made another movement with her hands, and knelt by the growing puddle of ale.
Coldly, General Cender studied the faces of the three men before him. All were frightened, and the captain was still plucking up the courage to speak. Cender glared at them as though he had caught a rabble of street children trying to pick his pocket. How else would one of the most brutal Raider commanders look upon subordinates? He was hardly known in Tiras, but that had suited Emperor Undlik; stealth was central to Raider campaigns.
‘Sit down, all of you.’
As one, the three sat.
‘I suppose you are wondering why my slave doesn’t answer me back in the conventional manner,’ continued Cender.
The captain nodded, then shook his head. One of his henchmen looked bewildered as soon as ‘conventional’ had left Cender’s lips.
Smiling coldly, Cender took a knife out of a concealed pocket.
‘When she came into my possession two years ago, her tongue was cut out.’ He idly tossed the knife into the air, and deftly caught it. All three men had their eyes fixed on it.
At that moment the slave twitched her hands slightly, and the spilt ale disappeared into thin air.
‘I cut it out myself.’ He added threateningly ‘That is how I treat insolence and stupidity. Do you understand me?’
All three men nodded dumbly.
‘I expect to be answered properly, dolts!’
All three men flushed at being treated like slaves, but obeyed. As a favoured aide of Emperor Undlik, General Cender liked to ensure that lower ranks did not forget his position. Particularly when those under his command were not Kjin recruits, like the captain and one of his thugs.
‘Yes, sir,’ they said as one, saluting smartly.
One by one they sat, fidgeting nervously. Cender took a swig from the nearest ale mug. His cruel eyes met those of the captain, and narrowed slightly.
‘You have the documents, I presume.’
The captain licked his lips nervously. ‘They’re in my room, sir.’
Cender slowly lowered the mug.
‘Why has a report covering your movements of the past six months been left in your room? Have you any idea what could be done with information like that?’
‘Sir, yes, sir.’

The slave almost felt sorry for the captain. Almost; she could not feel sorry for anyone who slaughtered innocent people for a living. No decent person could feel sorry for one who found fun in killing children. Nobody could feel sorry for a Raider.
She looked up, just in time to catch the thuggish henchman leering at her in a way that made her spine crawl. Quickly she pulled the hem of her dress as low as it could go, and crawled backwards, away from the table.
‘I’m sorry sir. It was unintentional sir. We came straight here after we arrived, sir…’
‘But if you had to come straight to the meeting room, why did you put the documents in the room? If you didn’t have time to do anything else then why are some of the most important documents to our country in your room?’
Cender was now standing, his face the picture of pure anger. He slammed the point of the knife into the table, making it shake.
‘Send one of your men to the room, now.’
Cender paused, giving the captain time to point to the henchman who had been leering at the slave only a few seconds before.
‘You, Barbna, get the documents from my room,’ he snapped. It was obvious that Barbna was used to obeying his master’s every whim, as not many people would jump at the command of such a shaken man.
‘My slave will go with him.’ Cender’s tone was so different that the other men started in surprise. His eyebrow raised in an amused fashion, making the slave want to roll her eyes. How many times had she heard this line?
‘Did you not hear me? It seems your ears are growing useless. I can’t help but wonder if you need them. Now go.’
The blanched look that came over the faces of the three Raiders was very satisfying.
‘If you say so, sir.’
‘I do say so, Captain Vrekdy.’
The slave quickly curtsied, so she was the only one that saw the quick movement in the general’s hands.
Will you be ok? They asked.
She clung to the edge of her skirt, and made a slight twitching movement with her fifth finger.
Fine. A few more quick twitches, finished by a slight flick of her wrist. He won’t be if he keeps looking at me in that way.
He glanced towards Barbna.
‘If you wish to keep other vital parts of your body, I suggest you stop looking at the slave like that,’ he commented casually. The dark glitter in Cender’s eyes was the real warning.
Barbna gulped. ‘Yes sir, General, sir.’

Fen watched them leave with growing discomfort. He knew that she could look after herself, but all the same…However, if the plan was to work, he needed to keep up the disguise, and a Glamour – even one of the most feared men in the western countries of Kenah – was not everything.
‘So, captain,’ he drawled lazily, all the while silently casting a spell upon the raider.
‘Sir?’
‘Do you understand the contents of the letter that you were ordered to pass on to me?’
‘Actually, sir, no.’
A glow, only visible to Fen, briefly shone around Captain Vrekdy’s head. When would they learn?
‘Have you heard what happened to the last person to tell me three lies in a row?’
‘No, General,’ replied Vrekdy, his voice shaking.
‘That is because it was done in a place so secret that not even rats can chew what is left of his corpse. Do I make myself quite clear?’
‘Yes sir.’ Vrekdy’s voice was barely more than a squeak now.
The room was silent.
‘Now, tell me what you do know.’
‘It is a letter telling you the…Sir?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is there any chance that someone could be listening to this?’
‘There is about as much chance of that as my slave talking,’ Fen laughed, thinking to himself, ‘That Rogue better be in position’.
‘Oh, yes, sir.’
‘I’m glad to see that you have some sense in your head, I was beginning to worry.’
Vrekdy’s already red cheeks became even redder at the insult.
‘Continue,’ ordered Fen.
‘I know it contains reports from all important officers currently positioned in Tiras, confirming the positions of the Raiders under their command.’ Vrekdy’s piggish eyes looked disgustingly thrilled at the idea.
Fen nodded sharply. This confirmed their information. General Cender’s job had been to transport the reports to a point where Emperor Undlik could be contacted (though as yet they could not discover where this was). After that contact, a widespread appearance of Raiders, burning and pillaging Tiran people, seemed likely…He thanked the gods that Cender would never be able to carry out his mission. The General had been one of the main reasons that Hyn and much of Lease was now part of the Empire of Karkji.
‘Anything else?’
‘No sir.’
There was no glow this time. He had discovered everything he could from the Captain. Now it was only a matter of waiting…
A cry made the ceiling vibrate slightly.
‘What was that?’ It was the first time Vrekdy’s other henchman had spoken.
‘Probably nothing.’
‘But my room is above us!’
Fen sighed in a dismissive manner. ‘Is it?’

After the slave and Barbna had left the small meeting room, they hadn’t gone directly to Captain Vrekdy's room. Barbna had other ideas. Mainly ideas that included a quick drink to brace the Raider’s nerves.
While he shouted his order to a passing maid, Sarri, in keeping with her role as nervous slave, cringed at the edge of the bar. Despite ignoring curious glances in her direction, she found herself being offered a drink by a man who had just entered the noisy inn.
‘What’s a pretty girl like yeh doin’ in a place like this?’ he asked, in a casual voice.
She pushed the drink away, rolling her eyes.
‘That’s a really bad line,’ she whispered, hardly moving her lips.
‘Ah, I thought it was yeh under that magic. Could never mistake yeh fer no one else, Sarri.’
She looked up into the man’s face, and briefly smiled at him. Ipeth was one of the biggest Rogues in Tiras, quite literally. He was high up in a Rogue gang, The Demon’s Teeth, which ran large parts of the underground in many Tiran cities, including the capital. Partly because of the many informants this put at Ipeth’s disposal, and partly because he possessed a low level of magery that allowed him to see through illusions, including Glamours,, he was one of the best spies in the business. And since Paco Magi had a long standing alliance with The Demon’s Teeth (based on mutual protection when needed), he had been working with Sarri and Fen since they started this job. While Sarri liked him, she had realised during that time that the rogue could not be relied upon to stick to plans.
‘You know I don’t drink,’ she admonished. ‘Now stop talking to me. You’re supposed to be our lookout.’
‘Me?’
She kicked him, hard.
‘Yowch! No need fer that…’
Ipeth was cut off by the robust landlady.
‘Is everythin’ alright love?’
Sarri hung her head, and pointed to her mouth. She needed to get Ipeth back to his position outside the Raider’s room.
‘You, out!’
‘What’ve I done?’ cried Ipeth indignantly.
‘I know this girl’s a slave to some foreign noble. She’s enough t’ be copin’ with without some dirty young scoundrel getting ont’ her!’
‘But I wasn’…’
‘OUT!’
The shout attracted Barbna’s attention. As Ipeth sloped off, he downed his drink, then grabbed Sarri by the back of her neck. She winced as her hair was pulled; the Raider would pay for that. That and every other person he’d ever hurt.
‘Dumb b***h,’ he whispered. ‘Get us attention again and you’ll get more than your tongue cut off.’
He dragged her towards the stairs, leaving a scandalised landlady behind them.
When they reached Vrekdy's room, Barbna practically threw her inside. Sarri made a show of landing awkwardly, then struggling to her knees as the Raider looked through a trunk of shabby clothes and papers.
‘Stay on your knees,’ he growled. ‘Best place for the likes of you.’
Sarri raised her eyebrows, and opened her mouth.
‘Don’t be foolish, I know you can’t speak a word.’ He leered at her over one shoulder, then his eyes lit up as he located the reports. Time for Sarri to finish this charade.
‘Maybe not a word, but I can speak several.’
Barbna gaped at her, dropping the papers in shock.
‘But you, you can’t…’ Realisation dawned. ‘You ain’t a slave!’ He drew the sword hanging at his waist.
Sarri held out a palm, and formed a ball of fire. Her opponent’s leer had completely disappeared.
‘Witch!’
He launched himself at her, only just giving Sarri time to throw the flames at the Raider, and roll away. As she rolled, her hand whipped down to a throwing knife hidden in her boots. She stood as he howled in pain from the burns, which spread all the way up his right arm.
‘What’s the matter?’ she taunted as the man struggled to his feet. ‘I thought Raiders liked fire.’
He gave a nearly strangled roar, and charged towards her again. She stood still, until he was only a foot away from her. Stretching out her knife, she ducked. Barbna ran straight into the blade without so much as touching her.
She pushed the knife up towards his chest, then pulled away, shaking slightly. He fell to the floor.
Sarri stared at the dying Raider, then shook her head sharply. Leave the guilt for later, even if he only looked like an ordinary, stupid man now he lay nearly lifeless on the floor. Ipeth would be up in a minute, he’d finish things here.
She silently gathered together the papers, quickly leafing through them until she saw what she had come for. She smiled, grimly.
CRASH!
Sarri’s head jerked up. That didn’t sound good.
‘Steh,’ she muttered in Hyn.
Turning on her heels, she grabbed the knife out of Barbna’s chest, and sprinted through the doorway.

Just no. burning_eyes

Is this your opinion of the shiny new, edited monologue at the end of chapter one, or the old ones? I'll probably end up coming back to it multiple times and changing things around. The thing is that I need to introduce Fen as my other main character in the first two chapters, as I've got a time jump after that. I mean, I could fill in the space with an extra chapter, but it would be pretty superfluous to...almost everything.

Oh, this version, we get the Raider's evil magical fire properly introduced!

He is troublesome. But I love him I'm also impressed that he mostly manages to stay relatively cheerful, considering that he's seen the Raiders do some nasty s**t.

As you said, it needs tweaking. Another time though. Same with the magical fire stuff - it's one of those things I've been uming and ahing about putting in for a while, so I just need to figure out how to get it to flow properly in there. It probably doesn't help that I've looked over these first chapters so many times, that I'm having trouble figuring out how to sort out these little things. Any ideas?

Scary!

Hey DK - don't worry about it, everyone's busy at this time of year. (I'm still doing my uni exams, so I shouldn't really be on Gaia at all! razz ) Hope you're feeling better!
The start of that chapter is supposed to be a little confusing, in part to show how much things have changed - but I'm hoping you realised what was going on quickly enough? If not I may go back and make things more obvious a bit earlier. Glad you enjoyed it otherwise. smile

Aw, glad to hear it!

Yeah, getting the exposition to feel ok really was the issue for this chapter. I mean, Sarri doesn't know ANY of this, so Fen needs to tell her. If I've managed to get away with most of it, I'm pretty happy! Plus, Fen's a smart arse, and he will go off into academic-ese on occasion, hence the slight stiltedness. I'll go back and see if I can get that sorted out though.


I figured the reader probably pretty much knew this already, so I was just making things obvious? Too much/did I overestimate the hints to that effect?

Which particular bit do you love him for?
I take it his miniature rage didn't put you off then?

"These aren't just raiders, they're Raiders.'
Don't worry, Sarri's having pretty much the same reaction. In some ways, I'm a bit relying on the reader taking her position in the exposition bits.

Karjackers. I love it. (Though, it's actually Kark-jee razz There WILL be a pronunciation guide!)
Hm, that's an interesting idea. I'd kinda seen it as Fen makes this offer, and Sarri's all 'ok, I'm interested, but I want to know what the hell I'm getting myself into', so Fen 'Mr. Exposition' Anniafen does his thing.

No Relan. sad Like I (think I've) said before, a chapter with Relan would be fun, but it wouldn't add much, and a lot of people would probably get bored with it. It'll probably be the subject of a short story at some point.

Try not to explode when Chapter 3 speeds up again. razz