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 Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 3:19 pm
Okay. I feel somewhat silly posting about my
issues when so much #@$*$% up stuff has happened
to so many good people/children. I am so so sorry
for anyone, ANYONE who has gone through any trauma
of this or any nature, really. It's harsh and my heart does
go out to you. heart
I was abused as a child. It's still somewhat happening and I am 29.
My Mother is a sociopath, I believe. And has even broken my
teeth, mind you, she paid for my dentures. But she accepts no
blame and I am one of 7 children who have endured her, so I
know I am NOT alone. I also received the blunt end of her force
more since I was a darn great kid. Problem was, I had a life. She
never had that and I believe she was jealous of me. Anytime I
had a boyfriend, the problems worsened.
All of us have issues though. I worry about my health constantly. I
never feel awesome. Simply ok or good. And I can be very negative.
But also extremely positive, I can't figure it out. But my siblings are
much worse off than I am. I have an AWESOME relationship with 3
of the most important people, my ex, my husband and my best friend.
We're so close! I am so thankful for them.
I still try to maintain, but she writes me. How do you ignore your mom?
How do you stop loving her even though she hurts your heart on a
consistent basis and doesn't seek the help she needs? How do you
live a normal life like this?!
I am looking for group therapy in my area. I NEED to let go.
I just wish it was easier. Sometimes I am sky high other times,
super low. I love balance.
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Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 2:04 am
I wish I had some answers for you, TandyeLand. I have gone through so much, so many similar things (especially when it comes to sociopathic mothers), yet I have no answers. I feel helpless, I want to help but it is like I gained no wisdom from it all.
I guess if we had the answers we would not have to reach out and ask for them though.
*hug* That is the best I can do right now, I think.
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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 2:25 am
Exxos... Thank You! *huggles*
You were there when I needed ya
and sometimes, people just like to
know they aren't alone, aren't crazy
and there are others there needing too.
3nodding heart
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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:12 am
I was molested a lot when I was younger by four different people at different times, they were my neighbor, a friend of the family, and my friends two older brothers. It went on almost constantly from age five to age 12 when I finally moved. The first one was the worst, he tortured me the best he could, he sodomized me, killed small animals and bugs in front of me, made me grab on to electrical fences, threatened to kill my family, and pretended to be possessed by demons just to scare me. The others only touched me, while all this was going on I was also being sexually harassed in school and abused by my dad. I tried to tell my mom about my dad and about being molested, but she never took me seriously and didn't do anything about it, so I have very little trust in her to this day. My dad stopped being abusive though, and I actually have a good relationship with him now...
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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:55 am
Lock I am sorry you had to have so many bad experiences. People are so cruel. I am glad you are in a better place now. *hug*
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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:21 pm
Lock ~ It is so sad that you had to go through all of that... It's so hard for a child not to be able to trust the only two people in there lives that they should be able to trust with out question... I'm glad to hear that your relationship with your father is better, but I do hope you can in time get back your relationship with your mother.
TandyeLand ~ I too wish I had the answers you seek. There is no simple answer here. Some will say that you should just cut out the people in your life that bring you down and hurt you. I.E. your mom.. And others will say that you should simply forgive, forget and move on.. It's not that easy for either option... I instead suggest a combination...
I was lucky that I was able to come to terms with my emotionally and physically abusive alcoholic father before it was too late. As sick as it may sound the fact that he got sick and new he was dying gave me the perspective to be able to hold on to any type of relationship I could have and give the forgiveness that may have otherwise haunted me forever. I would hate to see anyone loose someone close to them with out being able to get the closure they need.. Whether it's forgiveness or just being able to say something you need to say.
It sounds like your mother is a negitive force in your life and you really should do whatever you can to keep from letting anyone else in your life bring you down. Yet at the same time she is your mother. You love her regardless. The sad truth is you can't make her change or get the help she needs. So you have to set some boundaries for yourself. If you want her to be a part of your life which it sounds like you do.. then boundaries are a must have. When my dad would call me at 2am drunk I would simply tell him I love him and then hang up... lol. I wouldn't allow him to guilt trip me for not being there or whatever it is he was calling to yell at me about that night.
Okay.. I'm rambling.. I hope that was helpful at least lol. Take care and good-luck! *hugs*
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Posted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 1:26 pm
I think I might be able to trust my mom eventually, I finally managed to tell her what happened a few months ago, well about half of what happened I didn't want to tell her everything mainly because...I don't want her image of some people to be shattered, she doesn't know much about what my dad has done, and I only told her about two of the guys that molested me...and not about the mental torture I got from Brandon (The first guy.)
It was a big step for me to jump, but I managed to, she was very upset...she accepted it though...
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:20 am
Well I'm sure it will take time hun, but I'm glad you've been able to start trying to rebuild that relationship. Good-luck!
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Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 1:43 pm
Thank you ErinsChaos! heart
What I don't get is why people don't tell?
I did. I told everyone I could. Not many could do
anything at all since it was my own Mother doing the
abuse. But I don't mean parents only. I mean police.
You know, stranger danger.
(if you stop someone from molesting you,
doesn't that mean some other little kid down the
line wont have to go through what you did?)
I had called the police on my mother.
They had her in handcuffs so quick!
They begged me to press charges...
scared the wits right out of her and she never
touched me again. 3nodding I didn't press
charges though. I told the police to tell her
that if she ever came near me again I would.
They told her! They said they wanted to haul her
away but I was the only thing stopping them.
So they were awesome when it comes to Domestic
Violence in Portage Indiana.
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Posted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:36 pm
*hugs you all*
Just felt the need too. <3
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Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 8:15 pm
I haven't read the whole thread yet. *hugs* to everyone who has posted their stories. When I saw this thread here I froze up and didn't want to post. But that's what I've been doing for a year now, and recently I've been talking about it more and more.
I was raped by my exboyfriend in uhm... September 2006. I never saw it as a rape because, well, I loved him and it started out consensually but it ended up not being so. Safe words are safe words for a reason. He ignored my safe word. He ignored my hard limits. He ignored my screams. I still have the blood stains on my mattress that just will not come up no matter what I do. Fortunately, said mattress is now a spare bed so I don't have to sleep on it.
After it happened I sort of went crazy and "punished" myself for allowing it to happen. I didn't care what happened to me - I allowed myself for once to take drugs offered to me from someone I didn't know from a shady source and cut all to hell and back, I slept with people I barely knew and didn't care about and who didn't care about me. I stayed away from my house and my daughter as much as I could. I did all of this because I had always viewed myself as a "strong, independent female" and would never allow that to happen to me. Wrong. I felt weak, useless, powerless and broken. I felt stupid. How could I let him get away with that? How could I MOURN HIS LOSS when he left me in the morning? I hated myself, for the first time in my life, I truly, truly hated myself for allowing myself to be raped. ((It's not that I felt rape victims were weak and powerless, by the way, it's how I viewed *myself* and not anyone else))
I thought over and over again: It wasn't rape, it couldn't be. I let him do those things to me. Yeah, I protested but everyone protests. Safe word? Maybe he forgot what mine was? Maybe.
I met a boy. A silly, younger boy who treated me sweetly. He was fun and distracted me. He made me feel younger. And then I lost interest. In him, in sex. My sex drive disappeared. And we are talking about someone who lived for sex for years after she lost her virginity. Not a slut, but definitely someone who enjoyed sex in all it's many forms. It surprised me that my sex drive went poof so suddenly. That relationship ended quickly. Once I had lost interest in him as a person AND in sex, I didn't want him around. Selfish, yes but that's how I am. Then I got back together with the Love of My Life - my daughter's father. And I still didn't want sex. He tried coaxing me gently, and I literally FREAKED OUT. Full blown anxiety attack right there. Why? I loved him, I wanted him, I needed him. But no. NO SEX. Why?
That night. That night a year ago. What? No way. Yes. It all went back to that night. I traced it back. My behavior over the past year or so, my spiral into depression deeper and deeper and so deep I didn't even notice. The Love of My Life liked to do those things that I was forced to do that night. I knew it. And I didn't want to relive that night. I refused. I couldn't force myself to it.
And it's taken me a year to come to terms with it, to forgive myself, to stop being angry with myself and to put it all on that person. He calls me now and then and I hate myself for being nice. I am nice because I'm a nice person. He wanted to be my friend again but I refused and had my friend call him back and threaten his life. The Love of My Life is no longer by my side, he has gone away again never to return. But that's okay. The experiences over the past 4 years, including the rape, have changed me so that such a loss is sad but not devastating. I've learned to *truly* be a strong, independent woman.
exclaim
For those who feel it is their fault, it's not. For those that had circumstances like mine, it's not your fault either. It may have started out consensually, but if it spiraled out of control and they ignored your pleas to stop....it's rape. I wish I had admitted this to myself at the time. I would have saved a year of stupid mistakes and heartache. I wish you all the love in my heart and healing hugs across the miles.
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Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:28 pm
*hugs to everybuddy* i keep telling myself not to come in here cause it tears my heart out everytime to see everybuddy i love hurt so much. *huggles* I love you guys.
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Posted: Thu Mar 20, 2008 4:58 am
JoeEuphonium *hugs to everybuddy* i keep telling myself not to come in here cause it tears my heart out everytime to see everybuddy i love hurt so much. *huggles* I love you guys. I'm with you Joe but without reminding ourselves of the bad that is out there we can't try to prevent it in the future or appriciate the good that we and others have now. I saw my ex yesterday, in Walmart. I felt... nothing. It was odd. It was as if I was seeing a total stranger. I continued my shopping but then he came up to say hello. My reply "Do I know you?" His face read shock, then surprise, then understanding. His reply "Not anymore." and he walked away. I saw him at a friend's party the next night and he didn't talk to me or even look at me. He kept his distance even though I acted completely normal and didn't go out of my way to distance myself from him or anyone else. My friend asked my what was up and I told her. She hugged me, whispered "I'm glad", and that was it. I am content.
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Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 10:00 pm
craftymama JoeEuphonium *hugs to everybuddy* i keep telling myself not to come in here cause it tears my heart out everytime to see everybuddy i love hurt so much. *huggles* I love you guys. I'm with you Joe but without reminding ourselves of the bad that is out there we can't try to prevent it in the future or appriciate the good that we and others have now. I saw my ex yesterday, in Walmart. I felt... nothing. It was odd. It was as if I was seeing a total stranger. I continued my shopping but then he came up to say hello. My reply "Do I know you?" His face read shock, then surprise, then understanding. His reply "Not anymore." and he walked away. I saw him at a friend's party the next night and he didn't talk to me or even look at me. He kept his distance even though I acted completely normal and didn't go out of my way to distance myself from him or anyone else. My friend asked my what was up and I told her. She hugged me, whispered "I'm glad", and that was it. I am content. *huggles* .. i am too.
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Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 11:16 pm
First of all... I'm sorry I haven't been more active in this particular thread in a while... On that note though I do have a blog to share with you all. If you enjoyed that and are more interested in seeing the movie or reading the book you can order both from her website. http://www.angelashelton.com/Take care guys and girls.. It really does get better.
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