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*hug* Do those things bring you happiness? Does helping bring a smile to that child's face bring one to yours?

I dont believe that. your more than a cousin to me your were a friend when i felt that i didnt have any or ever will, I love you Carlos

Her father isn't there. She needs as many strong males in her life as possible. Even though I don't feel that I necessarily qualify. I know Her father doesn't neither.

I don't know what to say to your comments. Both of them. There's a part of me that feels that it would be easier if I meant nothing to no one. Or that I should try to transform into someone else because nobody likes who I am, not even me. Thing is, I'm a grown a** man, I don't feel like I am though...

Two weeks ago, Armando my brother got drunk again and came home doing his thing. Don't know or care what that is. Mario (FingersMcKenzie) comes in and he's drunk too. My cousin Ernie as well. My dad comes out, starts talking to them. My other cousin, P, got a girlfriend. Good for him, whenever conversations of girlfriends come up someone is bound to mention me. So they talk about my virginity as if it was some kind of ******** disease. Like for a LONG time too. Hours, like it was a topic at the U.N. It was enough to make me feel insecure, yes but I've put up from worse. Then...My own brother had to say the coldest thing I've probably ever heard said about me.

"He needs some p***y in his life. If he got some he wouldn't be such a worthless piece of s**t."

AND EVERYONE WAS IN AGREEMENT!! Just eating it up like it was delivered from a sermon at church.

I can't believe this. I thought there would be at least somebody out there that would respect who I am out there. Maybe Mario...NOPE!

He describes me as a '******** child'.

Ernie was even talking about me before earlier that day, saying that everyone was talking s**t about me for being who I am, something that I just HAPPEN to be.

Damn.....When I heard all this, I literally felt my knees give way. Everything in my room was turned off. So I collapsed into my chair. I wasn't sad, I didn't cry, I didn't even get angry, I felt truly numb. I just sat in a dark room thinking that maybe, they were right.

I sat there for about twenty minutes. They stop and leave somewhere in that time....

I start reaching for anything in this dark room. Anything, just waving my arms around on my desk and bed...I find my ipod.

I haven't played anything on it in a few days. I put it on my Drawing Mix. Which I have set up for random play. First song that comes on is How To Disappear Completely (And Never Be Found Again) by Radiohead. I would honestly say that this is the most depressing song in existence. Don't get me wrong though. I've listened to it plenty of times without a thought of hurting myself. It's a good song, just depressing.

While the song plays, I get up finally. and feel around for something because I had a headache and I got all this medicine in my room. I know how my Excedrin PM bottle feels in the dark. I grab it, open it, pour some in my mouth without a second thought...

drink some water to wash them down, and I slink to my bed. After the song ends, I just turn it off cause I don't have the strength to hear anything else. I lay in bed for about 20 minutes, not thinking, not moving, just blank...And I just go to sleep.

So there. Just one of the many reasons I have to be down right now. I hope I didn't offend, I hope I didn't scare anyone. I just needed to type this down...

I meant to reply earlier. I just kind of fell asleep from the sadness.

I kinda feel very sorry for her. It feels like in the end she's screwed no matter what. I love her to death. I just wish, as an uncle, that there was more that I could do for all my nieces and nephew.

I don't want to sound like some stupid mopey kid. I understand, my life could be much, MUCH worse.

But maybe I'm just a weak person.

After I heard all that s**t, the next evening (it was 18 hours after all). I took a shower to help forget. It really for a little while felt like there's this layer of filth that will not wash off. I even had a mild anxiety attack later on that night.

I love how much they were talking about HOW MUCH their lives were SO MUCH better with sex. Yet right after all that they spent the next chunk of time talking about how much their girlfriends or "bitches" put them through so much drama.

But yes, I wish I could say that I don't but I do. There's a part of me that feels like I'm still a child because of my virginity. It really makes me feel that I don't belong anywhere. That I'm really the only virgin left on the planet ( I know how ridiculous that is).

Did you know that my own parents have talked s**t about me because of it? MY OWN MOTHER AND FATHER!!

I agree the definition of "Man" in America is all kinds of ******** up. Real men do this, real men do that, real men support the war, blah blah blah.

I beat myself up too. I feel so low on every birthday because I went another year without somebody to love or ********. I can't even take some people seriously if their sad about being a virgin and the first number of their age is 1. Try it with a 2 in front!

I know it won't make me a He-Man. I can see it now, I lose my virginity and then *BAM* my next problem arises. "when is the NEXT time I'll have sex?" But at least it will be a change. As undeniably pathetic as that sounds.

I'm agreeing with everything you said. This is more of a vent.

You should know that I typed this with the tears just rolling down my face.

You're right. I just wish other people would see that for me. They don't, They want me to fit in their definition of humanity. ...I just can't and I don't want too.

I think what hurts most is that this all came from my so called family. They all seem so two faced. Cause I don't think they know I know. Pretending to care and s**t...

Thanks for reading all of my bullshit. You don't need too. I understand if this all seems like too much.

Damn, I can't believe this s**t.

I HAD THE WORST THANKSGIVING IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!

Basically, My dad was going to beat my sister up. WITH THE BABY IN HER ******** ARMS!! Yeah it took everyone in the house to talk him out of it. In the end...He threw all of us out. I had to finish Thanksgiving not at my home. Where it should be, no instead I went to my brothers. My nieces Mariah and Natalie were crying. Clinging to me asking me why "grandpa was so scary?"

I don't even know what to do to get through these holidays...I fear Christmas sooooo much.