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 Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:30 pm
Creas Most nights while I'm trying to sleep, I keep wishing some one was there holding me.
I feel that way every single night.
/late reply
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:44 pm
Bah
I had a mental breakdown at Disney...
ON MY BIRTHDAY...
AT THE MAGIC KINGDOM
There's something wrong about me
Truth is, is that i used the birthday to try to recognize what i did over the past year and analyze how good of a person i was and basic progress... When I came to the conclusion is sucked, and one of my friends started to insult me about how people would want to strangle me. And then i had a mental breakdown on the boat and i couldn't do anything for like half an hour (besides getting off the boat, through the guards into the park to a ledge), and until some of my friends helped me get over myself
In retrospect, it seems like it's gonna mean something bigger. The breakdown, in my view, represented my last 15 years, everything bad i've done and my world falling apart. However, through the day i rebuilt myself, and basically tried to discard my old self. I even took the metaphor even further by losing the hat i brought with me, and buying a new one [which i think looks badass]
So, even though I like died during the morning, i got myself back together, and feel more alive than ever.
I feel like a phoenix
Bonus: I ate at an asian restaurant that day, and this was my fortune:
Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:49 pm
SoulSkourer Bonus: I ate at an asian restaurant that day, and this was my fortune: Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness
I thought I was your fortune =(
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:51 pm
Little Miss Fortune SoulSkourer Bonus: I ate at an asian restaurant that day, and this was my fortune: Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness
I thought I was your fortune =(IT WAS A FORTUNE COOKIE btw Way to ruin my moment
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:56 pm
Surprised I haven't done that yet, been to Disney WAY TOO MUCH. But, I'm sure you're okay.
Uh... to lazy to white-text, Out with it:
I'm slightly horrified to go back to my old orphanage. Yes, adopted and Chinese, I was a mess. Though the orphanage was ghastly only when I was there, and it had improved over the years, I am still terrified by the stories my mom told me.
There were only five employees able to take care of over a hundred children and the little girls were not only abused and tied down so they'd stop crawling about, boys headbutted them and my mom told me I had so many scabs on my face and I was malnourished. I was laughing, hanging by my feet when they brought me in, and my first words were "Yell, yell, yell!", but I'm positive deep inside I harbor unimaginable fear for the first year of my life there. Though I don't remember it, I'm incredibly apprehensive for I feel as if I subconsciously blocked off ever remembering the place, or anything for that matter, until I was five and I was able to understand that no, I wasn't going to one day go back there. I was safe.
Does it help that I was just left on a policeman's doorstep, apparently abandoned right after birth? I feel like an animal, left by the parent to survive on its own... ;_;
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:32 pm
The only thing that makes me feel even somewhat useful on this planet is to do things for other people. And people abuse that so horribly. My mom tells me to get over it >_< But I just can't.
I've been ignored by some of the people I considered my good, close friends... why? They're happy. They don't need me because the only thing I was useful for was someone for them to rant at. Or someone they could use to make themselves happy. Now that I need the exact same thing, they're nowhere around. It just makes me want to scream and tell them to go ******** themselves, they're no friend to me. ._.
This has happened so many times in my life - this definite scenario - that I have almost given up on finding good true friends. But then I realize.
People are selfish, greedy beings. They're only in so far as to take what they need and only give the bare minimum in return.
I just want to give up on humanity.
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:36 pm
Iwa, it's entirely possible you're not repressing anything. Most people genuinely cannot remember the first years of their life at all. In your case, that sounds like a good thing. :/
Also, that security guard whose guts I hate is working at the sister property tonight. I was trying to call their front desk person and he answered. I just hung up on him without saying anything so I wouldn't have to talk to him, and it was one of the most satisfying things I've done in a long time. =D
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:40 pm
Awwww, humanity's not that bad... okay, it ish. I'm not one able to console for I'm horrible with words, but I've always tried to be someone that can silently listen to one's rants and try to find a way to make them happier.
Yes, people can be dicks, but it's natural, right? Sometimes you do have to put yourself first for it's unhealthy.
If it helps, I'm sure you have some real good friends here?
To Dystopian Lover- Hopefully I do not remember one lick of it, but if flashbacks come to me when I see that building, I'm sure I'll crack. emo
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:43 pm
Oh hell, karma just bit me in the a** again. I tried calling back, and he picked up again. I would have felt terrible about hanging up on him twice so I actually had to TALK to him this time.
emo
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:46 pm
Maris Pallitax The only thing that makes me feel even somewhat useful on this planet is to do things for other people. And people abuse that so horribly. My mom tells me to get over it >_< But I just can't.
I've been ignored by some of the people I considered my good, close friends... why? They're happy. They don't need me because the only thing I was useful for was someone for them to rant at. Or someone they could use to make themselves happy. Now that I need the exact same thing, they're nowhere around. It just makes me want to scream and tell them to go ******** themselves, they're no friend to me. ._.
This has happened so many times in my life - this definite scenario - that I have almost given up on finding good true friends. But then I realize.
People are selfish, greedy beings. They're only in so far as to take what they need and only give the bare minimum in return.
I just want to give up on humanity. Hey That happens to me If your friends don't really appreciate you, they aren't your real friends. Those that stand by you while you stand by them are the people that truly care about you. Never give up. We may all be bastards, but most of us have hearts of gold. We may be selfish, but Edward Hyde's going to be a part of us, no matter what (mostly because Jeckyl is dead). Asude from that, if people are just freeloading off of your work, give them the speech they deserved, they EARNED it, just like you should've earned their respect. However, be careful and distinguish people being jerks and people just playing around and being jerky, but still care for you by showing it somewhere else.
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:48 pm
Iwa_Clay_Birds Awwww, humanity's not that bad... okay, it ish. I'm not one able to console for I'm horrible with words, but I've always tried to be someone that can silently listen to one's rants and try to find a way to make them happier.
Yes, people can be dicks, but it's natural, right? Sometimes you do have to put yourself first for it's unhealthy.
If it helps, I'm sure you have some real good friends here?
To Dystopian Lover- Hopefully I do not remember one lick of it, but if flashbacks come to me when I see that building, I'm sure I'll crack. emo I do have a few decent friends here ;-; and people I can talk to without wanting to stab myself in the thigh with a scalpel. You made me smile and made me remember that. Thank you Iwa. You are the most awesome skunk-girl ever. heart Edit; Thank you, too, Soul <333 I guess I just had it with that particular clique of friends sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 10:54 pm
@ Iwa - I have lots of glue; come and see me if you crack and I'll fix you right up! mrgreen
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 11:04 pm
Why thank you Dystopian Lover! heart
To Maris Pallitax- Glad I could remind you. 3nodding
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Posted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 11:10 pm
Writing on my Gaia Journal has just been wonderful. Ive never believed that writing things down would work but it somehow does.. it keeps me from going unstable (somewhat) and I'm glad.
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Posted: Mon Mar 29, 2010 1:12 am
/Venting about multiple things...
So I think I stepped on a cat toy or something and it bruised the bottom of my foot.. At first I thought my big toe had been twisted but the bruise appeared today... it hurts to the point I can't really walk on it in the house but I deal with it when I have to go out. I've put icy hot on it, I've put ice on it, I've soaked it in one of those foot bath things that has the vibration and heat to massage it.. and nothing has worked so far. :c So now I've got a therma care heating pad on it which I'm only supposed to use during that "time" but... I have no other option... gonk
_________
My cat isn't doing so well and I really need to get her to a vet. She's had 3 strokes in less than 2 weeks. She shakes out of it easily which is a little weird considering what a stroke is supposed to do to you, but she is showing all the signs of one. We called multiple vets, none of them take payment plans so we're out of luck until my mom get's her taxes in. If it's something mild like a blood clot or something, that could be taken cared of with a medication or a small surgery.. if it's something large, I don't know what we're going to do. If she has any more and they affect her any worse (she already has a balancing issue now) I may have to put her down... just for her sake. That's something I can't live with.
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My mom is CONSTANTLY bitching about money issues.. yet we've gone out to eat like.. 3 times in the last week or so which adds up to around 100$. Today she was telling me how she needs new breaks and it would cost around 100$... lol well I wonder.. you've got enough to spend on going out to eat but when it comes to the car that we seriously need because it's the only one we have, you don't have the money, right? Oh, let's not even start about the rent or any other ******** bills.
_________
Another issue with her is... okay, so my mom didn't graduate high school, who knows why but yeah. She has the option to get her GED, I've got all the books and equipment she would need but she goes on about how she is too old or how she has no time or that it's too advanced to when she was in school. Oh don't give me that s**t you old hag! scream For one, she has plenty of time from when she gets home around 2:30PM all the way until she goes to bed anywhere from 7:30-9PM and let's not forget her two days off she gets every week. Too old she says.. well yeah, let's see what you say when you are still a waitress at 60 years old in a wheel chair because of your arthritis and hip.
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I'm seriously debating what I want to do in life.. Do I want to go move in with Cho when he gets out of school? Do I want to go live with my friend in Florida? Do I want to get my own place and have Cho come live with me but in the same area and force my friend to move up with me? I'm just not sure.. for one, in order to get my own place, I'd need a job... which is damned near impossible with this ******** up economy... but.. I dunno. Like, I'd love to move in with Cho but the issue is.. I want to move out to get AWAY from parents. Sure, I'm at that age where you don't really have an issue with your parents like you would when you were 12 or some s**t but.. dammit, I still want to get out and be on my own.. lolwut? I wouldn't be on my own.. technically.. if I have someone move in with me, right? xp
/end vents ouo
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