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...I think I am going to cry now...

...So confused....

...Yet, for some strange reason... I am always confused about something...

*Goes off to make scrambled eggs*

You might have to make this up to me somehow... I don't know how... But making me cry like this isn't very nice...

I guess...

One of the main reasons this # decided to shut the hell up about it after a certain # declined said advice.

And although I think you're going to screw up, I personally am not going to get into your problems anymore, because my life is already screwed up, and I simply cannot deal with your s**t ontop of mine anymore.


The only thing I'm really pissed at though, is that you made a new journal and sent the entry to DK instead of anybody else.

That, and bringing up #, who had no relevence to our conversation at the time. Do you really think that he can deal with your s**t ontop of his own?

God forbid you care about yourself if #'s fine!

Jesus.

The only reason I am so upset about it is not because you ran away, but because of you bringing up JoVo. I know there's this whole fiasco about me being in love with you, but it's not true. You want the truth? The truth is that you're like my mentor. You taught me a whole lot of s**t no one else did, and I looked up to you. And when your idol just suddenly decides to stop caring about himself, and starts saying "Well if JoVo's okay it shouldn't matter what I am," when Jovo isn't okay, and you have no idea what the ******** you're talking about.

Personally, I understand why you ran off, I understand that you don't want to go back to your shitty parents, but when I try to help you...
I just don't want MY life screwed up. It's almost been a whole year since we've known eachother, and you have given me a ******** purpose in my life. I have saved up money to go to tulsa, to live with you, and then you run off, and now I have no idea what is going to happen.

Forgive me for not liking the life of not knowing what the ******** happens next. But I was looking forward to living with you, I was looking forward to finally have a purpose in my life, and I was looking forward to being with you. And when you do something like this... It just screws my whole damned life up, blows s**t threw a fan, and I guess I'm stupid for only caring about my life ontop of your's, but look at you!

At least I stand threw my problems. JoVo stands through his. But you... You run away and hope everything will solve itself!

Whatever. You probably won't even read this message.

Sorry.

I don't really have anything snazzy to say that. I just liked it and felt it was worth a quote.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

He did have relevance.
I don't want him to deal with my s**t.

No. I run away to solve everything.

It's come to my attention that my upsettedness earlier was attributed to things that it had nothing to do with. So, now that I'm calmer, let me clarify:

Work sucks. I hate my job. I hate it so much. It wouldn't be so bad, really, if it weren't for the people.

You see, I've always experienced ageism at work. This is apparently an integral part of black culture. If you're young, you're obviously an idiot, and you need to be taken care of. And, to be sure, young black people in New Orleans tend to be idiots. On my block most of the teens nearing my age spend their days hollerin' or getting stoned off their asses. If the stereotype fits... But it doesn't fit. Not always.

And it especially doesn't in my case. Since I haven't spent my whole life in a ghetto, smoking pot, or empregnating fine hoes, I've managed to--I don't know--read more, travel, talk to people, and learn about the world. Quite frankly, I know more than most of my coworkers about everything in general (not more than all, some of them are actually cool, but they're in the minority). The ageism, then, becomes more a point of jealousy.

In fact, it's been noticed by my friends. Most of the people at work are damn pissed at me. Why? Not because I did anything to them. Because I'm better than them. I have a direct line of communication with management. I tell the bosses when what they do is stupid, and I speak to them openly about my complaints. I actually ******** do my job, and as a result I'm allowed to make decisions without scrutiny. I actually got the opportunity to choose my position at work and my hours because I've earned those privileges.

That's a difficult concept for my workmates. Earning things. Today I made the comment that someone had poor English skills. I tried to correct some of this person's errors. Instead of gratitude, I was berated for thinking I was perfect and for not realizing that other people haven't been as lucky as me to have an education. Is that so? Really? I came from a poor immigrant mother who's mate lied to her when he failed to mention his wife and family. My mother worked large shifts at a factory, and I spent most of my childhood in this Cuban sweatshop in Miami at my mother's side. I went to public school, just like them. I was poor, just like them. I had to go through mountains of s**t, just like them. What was the difference? I pointed at it before. I didn't spend my childhood smoking pot and boning bitches. I spent my childhood reading, studying, and trying to get out of that shithole I was born into.

I'm not grateful for the gifts God's given me? Trust me I am. I'm grateful because if I hadn't been born in poverty, as a member of a minority group, and gay in a homophobic society, I wouldn't have known what strength is, and I might have settled, as they have, in mediocrity. Everything else I've earned, I've worked hard for it, and their content lazy asses need to know their place.

This whole situation is made worse because I'm a "light-skinned minority." Still, I use proper English and prefer Strauss to P. Diddy. That makes me white enough that I can justifiable be lumped up with rich WASPs. I'm sorry that I don't feel a need to stop enunciating around them. I'm sorry that I don't watch football or give a s**t about the Bayou Classic. I'm so ******** sorry that I don't dance about, try my hand at ebonics, and give you a reason to laugh at me to my face. I don't give a s**t if you like me. Leave me the ******** alone, you stupid, banal, racist ******** of homophobia, we now get to the reason all of this reached the breaking point today. Apart from being racist, ageist, insipid assholes, the people at work are also homophobic. The regurgitated spiel about gays offending some sort of Christian maxim has not failed to register in the ears of these idiots. But, the "liberal media" has reached them too. Inevitably, they conceive of homosexuality as some unstoppable trend. It's a gross offense toward everything that is human, but if they keep it hidden, then we don't mind so much. Today, a great story was told about how one of my coworkers saw a gay couple having sex through the window of the Hyatt. He pulled out his binoculars to see the sex more clearly. Then he has the gall to be offended because it's a man and not a woman that is getting ******** up the a**. The discussion followed into a fifteen-minute yes-men convention where in everyone asserted that gay sex is disgusting and gays should keep hidden away in dark, damp holes somewhere underground so as to keep safe the rest of humanity from their despicable behavior.

I didn't say anything. I was frozen. I haven't heard such a blatant display of bile since... ever, really. I hear about it. I read about it in the news, but to see it was a whole other thing. It's always difficult to respond to anything when you've never experienced it before. It takes time to develop a response, and you'd better hope your response is rational because after the first time it becomes a natural response to the situation. I decided to deal with it later. I wasn't in the right state of mind.

So, here I am. Considerably upset, and sick of the stupidity. I'm going to just come out at work. Until now, I'd never had a reason to talk about my sex life, so I slowly reentered the closet. Now, I desperately need to get back out, but I'm genuinely concerned that I'll lose my job or something. I hate people so much some times. Namely, these times. I can't wait to graduate and get out of this city. I can't wait to quit this job and gloat in their faces, laughing and gleefully proclaiming how happy this little f*****t is to leave them in the world of hourly wages and self-flagellation.

That's it. My brain is tired from all the expulsion of waste. Good night!

They have the audacity to call someone disgusting when they're the ones with binoculars in hand to watch people having sex. He were watching long enough to determine genders! For someone so revolted by the idea, you'd think that he would have other things he'd want to do rather than watch. Funny how things like that defy logic.

It saddens me that you must endure this, but soon you will be able to escape. Prove what the very people they slander and ridicule can do while they reap what they sow.