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 Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 4:58 pm
actually...im in the 8th grade... sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 7:28 pm
Ouch, I always hated the 8th grade...lmao...
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Monkeyinafryingpan Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Apr 20, 2007 11:53 pm
ok, back on topic, you guys. wink
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Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 8:24 pm
oh yea,,,the stories,lmao, any more guys? mrgreen
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Monkeyinafryingpan Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Apr 22, 2007 8:25 pm
i have a story about how much i hate the 8th grade rofl rofl rofl
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Posted: Sun May 06, 2007 12:45 pm
then post it!!! I hated the eigth grade..I wonder where bluefry went anyway...
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Monkeyinafryingpan Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun May 06, 2007 3:38 pm
Here's the start of one of mine; I'm still working on it though. Bizarre, bizarre story, and I'll just leave it at that. Let the story speak for itself. NOTE: It does some POV-switching, and this is a condensed version; I've yet to do a final draft of it.
Caleb
The wind howled mercilessly, battering the defenseless sand castles into oblivion before the waves came up and destroyed what little was left. Driftwood was coming in by the bushel, now, some of the sharper pieces spearing those stupid enough to stand on the storm-tossed beach in the middle of a hurricane.
The storm had come from the south, as it always seemed to do, marching inexorably northwards to Massachusetts, where it waged war on the rocky shore. And it seemed to be winning, spray vaulting joyfully over lighthouses that had previously been removed from the water, wind singing its battle-song, but triumphantly, for it knew that it had already won. There wasn't much left now, just wind and rain and waves.
My brother and I peered through the binoculars, on the watch for both rising water and authorities that would berate us for not evacuating yet. He was bigger than me, still, and had hogged the left half of the binoculars; I was left to squint hopelessly into the right half. He was well aware that I couldn't see well from that side, which was half the reason why he had done it.
I fear I am not being coherent enough; I have been caught up in the fierce beauty of the storm and my own lamenting about my plight with the binoculars. We are on old family, or so my parents say. Too old to have much money at all; we couldn't pay the exorbitant prices for petrol, not so that we would have enough to get us beyond the reach of a storm so massive as a hurricane. So we stayed in our little wooden house, which we had recently reinforced with new siding, hoping that it wouldn't be destroyed along with everything else. But that didn't make staying legal; we could still get in trouble for it, though I doubted there would be any authorities about in this weather.
That's why we were the first ones to go out after the worst of it had passed, happy to be outdoors after two days of being crammed into our house. My brother and I were near enough to blows, and I think even our parents nearly had a mental breakdown.
There's something beautiful about the land after a storm. Sure, there's mass destruction. But there's something else, too; a shimmery quality to everything, as though there's a coating of silvery dust over everything.
"Oy, Caleb! Lookit this!" Saunders crowed from the beach. "We'll be rich!"
Of course, I was left to be the responsible one. I always was. Saunders had a knack for getting into trouble, and I... didn't. Simply put. "Mum says not to go near the water after a storm! The undertow could pull you under."
"But no, look! Really! It's everywhere!"
What could I do? If I didn't respond, he'd hurt me. He always did, when out of view of our parents.
Shrr'anrah
Where the hell am I? For that matter, why am I anywhere other than cozily enclosed in a cryogenic tank? As cozy as well-below-freezing can be, at least.
I sat up, taking inventory. Goggles? Check. Freeze-dried water? Check. Oxygen tank? Check. Ballast? Check. Tempest? Oh, s**t. I tried calling up Console, but it didn't work. s**t. I am in some really deep trouble. I mean, you can't lose a flying saucer and not get into trouble.
Then I remember. The explosion. So I'm lucky to be alive? No, the Council back home will kill me, and it'll negate all the luck in this situation anyway. Pulverized. My Tempest is pulverized.
And I think some kids found what's left of it.
s**t.
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Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 3:24 pm
I think it's very good, but what's the Council and who is Shn'anrah.
It's probally better that what I'm about to write. This is tho Prologue to my story Angel's Flight(name at the moment).
I've always wondered if there is a such thing as an angel. In my world there are celestial classes. Mine's is the mortal class. All people in this class live in the world of Manata. On this planet we live in happyness as well as fear.
The next class is laguz or demon class as many of us call it. Years ago we lived in peace with eachother, but not anymore. For some unknown reason reason they turned on us. Now, we live in fear of another potiencially fatal attack.
The final and most powerful class is the Denka or Gods as translated from our ancient language. These "Gods" are able to control the entire fate of everyone of Manata. I've never once believed in that. If they were so powerful why have they not come to help us.
I once thought this was all true, but I was very wrong.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, how did you guys like it?
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Posted: Mon May 07, 2007 6:16 pm
It's... meh?. I think it jumps into explanation-mode a bit too quickly. You should usually let dialogue (Grr, Firefox, thinking dialogue isn't a word!) take care of that, or if it's more a narrative than action-based (as many first-person stories tend to be), let it be taken care of farther along in the story, when the information is needed. Give some other background first; draw the reader into the story.
As for the Council and Shrr'anrah, you actually don't find out until a later point who they are. The story is told mainly from Caleb's point of view, and all you really get about Shrr'anrah is that he's really tall and spindly and has a bizarre accent, somewhere between Australian and German. And, of course, that he crashed a flying saucer.
It's all about a government conspiracy though, to produce 'better' people. And of course, where do that but on a base on the dark side of the moon? After all, it's not really visible. Obviously. However, the low gravity in early development makes the kids rather tall. Shrr'anrah is the product of their efforts, twenty years later. The Council is, of course, NASA. Or the small part of NASA that's in the know.
Of course, there's more to the story. But that should explain those bits that haven't been explained yet.
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Posted: Tue May 08, 2007 2:29 pm
looks interesting. I'd give your story a 3. But in the future, a little more dialoge would make the story more interesting and easier to understand...but theres very good description, though:3
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Monkeyinafryingpan Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:32 pm
I agree, more talkie, but I also agree 100% in the detail effort, very nice, not many people can set scenes like that, you have a gift.
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Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 2:39 pm
Bacillus Anthracis It's... meh?. I think it jumps into explanation-mode a bit too quickly. You should usually let dialogue (Grr, Firefox, thinking dialogue isn't a word!) take care of that, or if it's more a narrative than action-based (as many first-person stories tend to be), let it be taken care of farther along in the story, when the information is needed. Give some other background first; draw the reader into the story.
As for the Council and Shrr'anrah, you actually don't find out until a later point who they are. The story is told mainly from Caleb's point of view, and all you really get about Shrr'anrah is that he's really tall and spindly and has a bizarre accent, somewhere between Australian and German. And, of course, that he crashed a flying saucer.
It's all about a government conspiracy though, to produce 'better' people. And of course, where do that but on a base on the dark side of the moon? After all, it's not really visible. Obviously. However, the low gravity in early development makes the kids rather tall. Shrr'anrah is the product of their efforts, twenty years later. The Council is, of course, NASA. Or the small part of NASA that's in the know.
Of course, there's more to the story. But that should explain those bits that haven't been explained yet. This is very elaborate, how long did this take you?
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Monkeyinafryingpan Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 2:40 pm
Probly like 95,979,756,546,548,239,874.452 days
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Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 8:32 am
Bluefry Probly like 95,979,756,546,548,239,874.452 days
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Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 1:48 pm
Monkeyinafryingpan Bacillus Anthracis It's... meh?. I think it jumps into explanation-mode a bit too quickly. You should usually let dialogue (Grr, Firefox, thinking dialogue isn't a word!) take care of that, or if it's more a narrative than action-based (as many first-person stories tend to be), let it be taken care of farther along in the story, when the information is needed. Give some other background first; draw the reader into the story.
As for the Council and Shrr'anrah, you actually don't find out until a later point who they are. The story is told mainly from Caleb's point of view, and all you really get about Shrr'anrah is that he's really tall and spindly and has a bizarre accent, somewhere between Australian and German. And, of course, that he crashed a flying saucer.
It's all about a government conspiracy though, to produce 'better' people. And of course, where do that but on a base on the dark side of the moon? After all, it's not really visible. Obviously. However, the low gravity in early development makes the kids rather tall. Shrr'anrah is the product of their efforts, twenty years later. The Council is, of course, NASA. Or the small part of NASA that's in the know.
Of course, there's more to the story. But that should explain those bits that haven't been explained yet. This is very elaborate, how long did this take you?
Uhh... a couple of days to work out the main points of the story. I have an odd mind; half of it I ended up dreaming. Much longer to work out finer details...
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