Mythril Legions Battle Royale

[hostilecrayon]

Granzon

Literacy - 2

Major spelling errors, sentance fragments, poor use of diologue, incorrect usage of the * symbol (This is a literary battle, not a chat room. The * symbol is not used in literary works other than to seperate scenes), incorrect word usage, poor diction, unnecessary use of color

Choice of Action - 1

Predestination, God Modding, again - poor use of diologue, poor reaction to attacks, too much telling, no real showing (Explained in overall)

Technological Capability - 2

Seemingly random additions to your Mech, poor ability to map out what kind of power you have prior to battle, unrealistic shielding capabilities

Terminology - 2

Again - poor diction, which leads to poor terminology, incorrect usage of a black hole, obvious lack of effort

Attitude - 1

Yet again - poor diologue, extreme cockiness, refusal to aknowledge the full power of attacks that should have been highly damaging, complete lack of real character development

Overall comments: Quite a disappointing display of a generic character with no real depth. When working in a contest, it is essential to use a spell checker and grammar checker, if you have one, as well as possibly a quick beta. Even though the posts are short, you should still give it 100%, which you quite obviously didn't, judging by your diction and spelling errors. Learn the terms God Modding and Predestination - then stay away from them. Learn to develop who your character is before battle, so that instead of every move being out of left field, it is an enhancement to the character. Stop using * to dictate action. I'm serious, do not bring that into literature. I don't care how many people do it and say it's okay. There is no publisher anywhere on the face of this Earth that would look twice at a book that used * to dictate action. The book would go immediately into the trash without a second glance.

Show, don't tell. This is a fundamental to good writing. You can tell me you're in love. I'll say "And?" But if you can show me your in love, I might care. You'd simply have to describe details such as rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, blushing, butterflies in the stomach, random daydreaming. As a matter of fact, you can show me without ever saying the word 'love' at all. That's what you need to work on. Show me what's going on and how the character feels. "I'm really angry" tells me nothing. "A dark scowl sets into my face as I clench my fists in turn. The moment washes over my mind, looping like a skipping record. I'm nearly sick with heat as I feel the dark flush creep over my body. He'll pay for what he did." I did not use the word anger even once. I didn't say really, either. But you know what? My off the cuff description says more than those two words ever could. Words have no meaning unless you give them meaning. "I'm really angry" is an empty expression. Though you didn't use that expression exactly, you used many other empty words that really left me with nothing.

Oh, and don't worry about being long winded. It seems the people here are afraid of long posts. I assure you, three sentances posts are, for the most part, completely pointless. To do the descriptions necessary to write well, it takes a lot more than three seconds of thinking.

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Ander

Literacy - 3

Not poor, yet not overly appealing, generally mediocre, some smaller spelling mistakes, pretty poor diologue, improper use of * in literature

Choice of Action - 3

Again, mediocre, not too much that caught my eye

Technological Capability - 4

Interesting modifications, though easily damaged, I also advise taking advantage of speed

Terminology - 5

No discrepancies as far as I could see.

Attitude - 3

The diologue was pretty cliche, not a whole lot of unique bits of personality, mostly just get hit, attack back, not much development

Overall Comments: Well, all in all, everything was just sort of in the middle. You didn't stick out on either end of the spectrum, which means your writing, if further pursued, will probably go overlooked unless you manage to step up and leave the middle behind. Let your originality shine through so you don't look like the last 40 people I read something from.

Like I told Granzon, never, ever use * in a literary work unless it is to shift scenes. Thoughts are best conveyed with italics, or, when italics aren't convienient, with 'apostrophies'.

You have most of the basics of writing down. But basics only take you so far. This is the point where you get a feel for who you are as a writer. It's the little things that really make or break a writer. Personality nuances, patterns of speech, tone and voice greatly affect how the reader views your writing. For example, try this experiment. Get three people you know that write, give them all the same small plot with certain events that take place. Have them write a very short story without consulting each other, and read all three storys. Though they all have the same plot and the same major event(s), the stories will be completely different. It's these little things that define who you are in regards to literature.

Also, like I said before, do not worry about being long-winded. As far as I'm concerned, most of the people here write much too little in their posts. I did not find any of your posts to be overly long. If anything, I found most of the posts in this battle to be overly short. Writing is all about details and balancing the right amount of details with leaving enough room for imagination. You cannot keep up that balance in short, three sentance posts.

You have a good start, but stretch your wings a little more. Maybe then you'll find your way out of the cloud cover and into the open skies.



Overall note to both players: I think present tense was a poor idea. Past tense would have made things much easier, and I am sure that it would have had a better flow. Just a head's up.