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Codebreaking Conversationalist
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 Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:25 pm
“Don’t know if he had a particularly bad day before he got here, but he wasted no time finding my alcohol the next morning.” It was enough for Abzu to make the (correct!) presumption that Ibirapitá had become somewhat reliant on it. “Went to work on locking up my cellar the next day.” It, as he said, wasn’t anything he could necessarily fault him for.
Encke wasn’t sure he’d be able to, either. He couldn’t imagine having lived beyond the death of his people. Those that got reborn did in a way, but it was different, right? Enckeans didn’t exist anymore, not outside of his mind really, but he wasn’t trapped for hundreds of years without anyone at all. Both were tragic endings to a people, but to be the literal lone survivor?
s**t.
While Encke’s brows lifted in alarm at even the concept of Pendour turning to alcohol, Abzu seemed contemplative, for a moment. “Can’t say one is better than the other. Both have their disadvantages, sometimes extreme. Both are self-destructive. Can be addictive in their own ways.” Abzu’s brows knit. “Don’t think it would have been better for you to get lost in the bottle.”
“I agree with him,” in part because, honestly, Encke wasn’t sure if he could put it better.
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Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:26 pm
“Ah, first thing in the morning,” said Pendour, with a sad little nod. “I see why you might have been worried.”
Besides, if he was at the point where he was making his way into cellars and places like that, it was really crossing a line between taking advantage of someone’s generosity and wandering into the territory of stealing.
She didn’t blame him any more than the others did, though. She couldn’t imagine living for a thousand years even with a good support system. Regular life was hard enough. Whatever he must have seen, in his time? She couldn’t imagine.
“And it’s not like I’m about to turn to substance abuse,” she said, to Encke, who looked worried. “It’s just, um, a thought experiment. A what-if. Of course the ideal would be not to have any of those habits, but,” she shrugged. She was doing better, but there were never any promises that she wouldn’t have another trigger, another outburst. “Trading them is more realistic than being free entirely, isn’t it?”
She stared at the water, at the sweet otter. At least it was possible, some of the time, to replace the bad moments with something like this.
“I didn’t mean to get dark, though. I’m sorry.”
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Codebreaking Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:27 pm
Encke turned his gaze to Abzu, briefly. He was looking elsewhere, so Encke fidgeted, finally offering, “Glad you won't. Thought experiments are worth having, but,” he wrung his hands, shook them out, took another bite of his seitan wrap.
“But I don't think so. Self-harm instincts are things that can fade with time, or therapy can help with, right? Substance abuse is a bit different.” Not that alcoholics could never be free, but in some ways–
Abzu's lip upturned, but only partially, and there wasn't any mirth in his eyes. “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. That's part of what they teach in AA, anyway. Some alcoholics do eventually discard the label, but there's a reason behind that.” He glanced back down to the otters, fetching another of his cold burritos and unwrapping it for them. He didn't have bring a ton of these. Hopefully, the otters wouldn't be disappointed.
“It's why getting sober requires lifelong habit and surroundings changes. It sometimes gets easier to be around these things, but,” Abzu couldn't speak to just how bad Ibirapitá was off. He couldn't speak to if it would get easier.
He did know first thing in the morning and showing up delirious weren't great signs, though, that he was anywhere near that state.
“Addiction is a physical compulsion, too. A chemical one. Also a mental one. It's hard to break. Requires a good support system, at the very least.” He supposed that part wasn't ultimately that different from counteracting self-harm, but…
… Abzu missed his drinks.
“It's okay to get dark, though. We live dark lives.”
It was jarring to hear Abzu say that. Encke had mostly known Abzu to seem flirty and carefree at all times. He wouldn't think too much about it. “We've been through a lot of dark things. Doesn't hurt to talk about them.”
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Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:29 pm
“Alcoholism is physiological,” she agreed. “There can even be a genetic component. I know that it’s one of those things that can sink its claws into you, and one of those things that can come after you even when you think you’re free.”
It wasn’t something that she had a lot of personal experience with, but she knew enough. She knew that she wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Well, anyone but herself, but that was just how these things went, wasn’t it?
She nodded when Abzu said that it was okay to talk about this. Where did you go besides Pendour, after all, to spill your worries to the sound of soothing waterfalls.
“And it’s true that I might be able to overcome some of the things I do that are self-destructive, the way that maybe your friend can get away from the bottle with enough support.” The others were thinking about the part where she physically harmed herself, and she understood why. It had been shocking when Encke had carried her back to the Bell’s house after she’d broken her own hands. There was more to it, though, more that happened on an everyday level. There were the too-long naps, the issues with food, enough small things and big ones that she was no longer able to live on her own.
“But, the things that are at the root of it, I’ll never be able to shake.” As she took the last bite of sandwich, she reached a hand out towards Encke, craving that contact. “I’m never going to be free of the PTSD any more than I’m ever going to get my eye back. That’s something I’ve been having to try to wrap my head around, lately.” She went silent for a moment, a line showing on her forehead as her brows pressed together. “And I’m having a hard time with that, even now, because I was doing better for a long time. I thought I was past the worst of it.”
Then she’d watched a girl burn to death, and she’d watched Encke lose his hope, and maybe those weren’t easy things to handle, but she was supposed to be able to handle everything.
She wasn’t supposed to break. For all she wanted to stay soft, she didn’t want to be fragile.
“I wasn’t. It didn’t take much for me to spiral down to the point you saw.”
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Codebreaking Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:29 pm
Both Encke and Abzu stayed quiet, for a moment.
It was Encke that spoke first.
“Thought I was free for a while too, really.” He ran a hand through his hair, over it, behind his ear. “PTSD has a way of lapsing back. Same with depression, really. All of it. Suppose it is hard to fully break free of it, but it does get easier, I think.”
Abzu couldn't speak to anything like what Encke and Pendour were talking about, honestly. At least, not personally. He had become more avoidant of a willingness to reach out to Negaverse agents ever since one had tried to kill him, but nothing had triggered anything close to PTSD.
(Encke had PTSD? He supposed he was pretty good at masking a lot of things with confidence, but he had just kinda … stayed in his room for a bit. Michelangelo came over often enough that it didn't miss his notice.
Abzu supposed there was more to the story, here.)
He offered his hand to one of the otters, if they'd like to be pet. Encke took Pendour's hand, instead. “Those things can have a genetic component too, honestly. Some people will just be mentally more likely to run into things that break them, or will be predisposed to depression. Brains are fascinating.”
And cruel as much in the same measure. Honestly, if Abzu had more … well, anything even close to dedication beyond just a few things, he probably would have gone into neuropsychology.
Maybe. He read articles sometimes in any case.
“Maybe it felt like it didn't take much, but it probably just took enough of just the right things. You've dealt with a lot of s**t. I've seen it! That itself didn't trigger any kind of break.”
Encke offered a squeeze to her hand. “Think Abzu has a fair point. You've weathered a lot, Sadie. Weathered a lot that I'm not sure I could've.”
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Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:40 pm
The otters seemed to have mostly filled up. The final burrito they had poked at while the humans continued to talk, but they hadn’t eaten all of it, and when Abzu knelt down, they were more than happy to abandon it to come and sniff the fingers of the man who had given them all of their snacks. They were even fine with being petted.
Pendour first squeezed Encke’s hand. Then, deciding that wasn’t quite enough, she stepped forwards and leaned against him, forehead pressed right into the curve of his shoulder. The corner of her mouth ticked up, just a hair, at what he said to her, although the compliment was a bittersweet one.
“At least it comes in waves,” she told them. “And right now, I’m doing better again. Being with my two favorite people like this, it helps more than you know. When the next wave comes, I’ll do my best to weather that one, too.”
She turned enough that she could look to Abzu while still squeezing Encke’s hand.
“For you.”
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Codebreaking Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat May 11, 2024 9:40 pm
Abzu was delighted by being able to pet otters. Naturally, when they accepted his pets, he made sure to check what they were liking the most and capitalize on that. He couldn't imagine otters were generally this affectionate, but he adored it.
And them, honestly. There was a small part of him that the deep sea element of his own wonder restricted a whole lot of what could actually be there. He was pretty sure there was nothing like otters on his wonder.
But that was fine. Pendour deserved nice things.
Abzu's breath of air was surprisingly sheepish. “You're too nice.” He was one of her favourites? She was one of his too! The Neptunian bond had been the beginning of their friendship, but it took more than that to stay close. “Got you if you need it, though. Anytime. You know where to find me.” These days? Frequently where she lived!
It was convenient that a lot of his closest people were in one spot–
And Encke, who actually looked a bit flustered.
“I'll do my best for you too, alright? Can't promise things won't trip me up, but…” Like her, it came in waves. He was hoping the recent tide was easing back.
Hopefully.
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