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 Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 12:02 am
things you said too quietly: i need you
Chris doesn't say anything when they climb into the car, when it's dark as night and they're both exhausted. Both haunted by something they can't really say, don't want to give words to. It's by far easier to let the night eat them up, let the road and the wind do the talking.
Chris is by far content to rest his head on the window, let the cold air ruffle his hair and make it a mess. He's been leaving it unstyled lately, letting his hair down and show that he actually does have bangs. It's cold but it smells nice, keeps Chris focused on where they were. Keeps him out of his thoughts.
He leverages a gaze on Thorne, tearing his eyes away from scenery and the wind. He's different like this, focused, intent on getting away. Chris doesn't mind, he himself hadn't been having a great night (and he suspects that's why Thorne took him) but it's scary. It's almost like he can't reach Thorne.
It's quiet and gentle, but Chris tentatively places his hand upon Thorne's on the gearshift. Goes back to staring out the window.
I'm here.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 9:05 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Thorne tries to focus on everything outside of himself. The highway. The pine forests. The banking mountain sides, dirt roads going nowhere, a spider web of the world. But the static in his head shifts. Shouts. Screams.
Chris makes it quiet, but some nights even his arms aren't enough.
The miles eat away into nowhere land. Someone had told him this was God's country once.
But it just looked empty, like its tenants had walked away centuries ago.
He exhales sharply, a throaty sound, when Chris pressed his hand against his. He stretches out his fingers, lets Chris's own slide into the spaces between them. His heart feels uneven, not from fear or panic or anger even. It's just a strange, sliding staccato. It's hard to breathe, and he doesn't know why.
He turns his head to Chris. Watches him. Wonders.
Wonders why.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 9:41 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Chris is finding the ride soothing, if being in the apartment wasn't. The apartment was a comfort, but it didn't always help. His apartment would be no better. He had always liked car rides anyways.
It was something about being able to just watch the scenery, to hear the road, to just... be there in that moment. The speed, the comfort. He used to fall asleep on car rides as a kid at the drop of the hat, he'd fall asleep now if he could. But instead he feels a little high strung, a little unable to.
This isn't a new feeling.
He looks at Thorne when he exhales, curious but still lets his fingers fill Thorne's. Still lets the heat happen between them, still pushes down that's a gentle pressure.
He can't answer Thorne's question, not really. He doesn't really know what it is and he figures he wouldn't know what to say anyways.
But all he wants Thorne to know is that he's there.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 10:43 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Thorne doesn't say anything as the heat pulses between them, rocking him back and forth between out there and in here. Between the car, the road, the night, the sky. The stars inlaid against the night-dark canvas like splashes of light. Millions of light years away.
He drives off of the highway eventually, the speed jarring as he cuts onto a narrow path clinging to hills and cliffs that scatter and drop on one end and pine forest on the other, gouged apart only by waterfalls. A wide drive-off is where he finally stops the car, the wind rushing in through the windows, a crow taking off somewhere far above. Thorne stares out at the night, at the world, at the glowing edge of Ashdown from so far away.
Out here it just looks like another star. Another pinprick of dead light.
"Come on," he says, the only thing he says, his voice gravelly and raw, and he pulls his hand from Chris's and unlocks the door. The gravel crunches beneath his feet, the wind thick through his hair. He can smell the petrichor in the air.
But he steps in front of the hood of the car, out towards the railing that cuts them off from a sudden drop down.
Make me feel small again, he wants to say. But he doesn't know if he's speaking to the world - or Chris.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 11:07 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Chris is quiet as they drive off the highway, quiet as they cut through a path he didn't know, the scenery unfolding underneath them as they ride on. He doesn't feel afraid at the speed on the narrow path, oddly enough. Just calm, just looking at the view.
The sky is amazing, the stars he can all see out here. Ashdown has a view that's beautiful, but it's hard to see at times. Their light pollution might have been minimal compared to the bigger cities in the area, but it was still there.
Here it was nothing. Just them in the dark.
He follows Thorne out, for a second mourning the loss of contact before he's outside. He's actually bothered to style his hair tonight but the wind is enough he can feel it ruffle the strands, muss it up.
The railing is cold under his hands and he lets it ground him, looks over the drop. For a second he feels weightless - breathless. The next though, he just feels scared. He swallows against his fear and looks up at the sky.
It's a long minute of silence but then: "What are you thinking?"
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 11:21 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Chris asks what he's thinking and Thorne doesn't know. He's thinking about exit ramps, big cities. He's thinking about his fathers house and his mothers favorite perfume. He's thinking of dead stars and outer space.
And how nothing survives in space.
Chris asks what Thorne is thinking and he says, "I'm thinking about how easy it is to disappear."
His eyes flicker, starlight in them. In the darkness, there is only this. His breath misting the air and the chill on his shoulders. His fingers stretch. He craves the warmth of Chris, but is it alright to ask?
"I don't want to be forgotten," Thorne says, his voice raw and aching. The enormity of his desire disgusts him. He knows that he does not make sense, most likely. That he cannot put into words this - this atrophy of emotion, this raucous thing in his chest.
"I suppose," he adds, staring up at the stars, his hand cold, his mouth numb, "in a way, I am thinking about you."
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 11:41 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Chris should probably be afraid at how easily Thorne says how easy it is to disappear. In a place like this, where it could feasibly happen. Where Thorne could disappear and no one would be the wiser.
But instead, a part of Chris agrees. A part of Chris knows that he won't. In this darkness, illuminated only by the sky, is honesty and the knowledge that Thorne wouldn't leave him like this.
It is a terrifying thing to have. It is a wonderful thing to have.
"I think," Chris says, working his jaw. Puzzling out the words, one by one, putting to use his mind. He is far more used to their silence tonight than their voices. "That you aren't so easily forgotten. At least, not by me."
He doesn't know if it's what Thorne wants to hear, but he means it all the same.
It's another moment before Chris turns and in this darkness, he inches his hand closer to Thorne's. Links their pinkies together, studies Thorne for a second. He looks so suited to this darkness that it takes Chris' breath away for a moment, but it's gone after a second.
"Is it good?" He asks, a simple curiosity.
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Posted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 11:53 pm
things you said too quietly: i need you
Thorne exhales and looks over at Chris. Here in the darkness, they are nothing but silhouettes. Here, in the nowhere country that even the world seems to have forgotten, they are just two bodies, roaming. Wondering. Lost, even.
He steps closer to Chris, half way across their distance between one another. He pauses and tilts his head.
"We live our lives in cycles," he says, "someone once told me that. We repeat."
He works his jaw, exhales again. There is a soft elegance in his movements. Jagged, uncanny.
"I was thinking that if we forget again, if we've already forgotten, that I would chase after you." He tilts his head. His eyes are shadowed, bare. It feels like he is baring his neck. Chris can slit it if he wants. "That I would still back for you."
And maybe there was a question there as well. A question of paths crossing, a question of whether or not this is an anomaly, a star tumbling across the sky. Or if this - them, like all else in Ashdown -
Is bound to repeat.
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:04 am
things you said too quietly: i need you
He breaths out quietly when Thorne steps closer, closes the distance between them. He lets himself entwine one more finger with Thorne, a question, but does nothing else but watch.
But listen.
"I was told that too," He says. Remembers the conversation with Jeremiah in that place, remembers his confusion.
We've done this all before.
Watching Thorne sometimes is like getting whiplash, like deja vu. He can't entirely place movements at times and it's concerning, thinking he's seen it before but it hasn't happened. He wonders if it's the cycle. He wonders if its himself.
Sometimes, he wonders what he was like in the other times. What he was like if, if he was with Thorne. If they had been brought together and apart times before.
Something in Chris blooms knowing Thorne has thought about it too.
"I think that," Chris begins and it is soft and slow. Hesitant, like he is also revealing something to Thorne that is vulnerable. But they are not ones for keeping things from each other. "No matter the time, or the life, that I would turn for you. That I would let you catch me."
His next words are so quiet, that it's only the absolute silence of the place that gives them away. The puff of air that comes from his mouth, "I think in every life, I need you."
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:17 am
things you said too quietly: i need you
Thorne doesn't think, his fingers lacing easily with Chris's. It is an answer, a resolution. It is thoughtless, and perhaps that it was speaks between them most of all. Thorne's eyes lid, his mouth softening at the edges.
Once, he had been given visceral memories of another cycle. Another life. His death, in another life. But Chris was a ghost in his veins. When he had met him, it felt nearly like slipping into an old habit. A familiar comfort. Had they known each other in other iterations? Had Chris looked for him? Had Thorne searched?
His chest aches.
He does not know what to say, only gives a shaken exhale. Only looks at Chris, something unwinding in his chest. Like hope, desperate and stretching, just like the dead light of the stars reaching out.
His smile is a ghost, nothing but corners, edges pulled. But when he speaks, the rawness of his voice is answer enough. There is an echo in it - you aren't the only one - but all that comes out is, "Then let's go home. Together."
Above them, the stars stretch out into an endless sky.
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