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I forgot ... How could I forget? HOW COULD I FORGET?!

No not just forget ...why was I so desperate? or was it complacent?

He may have found me but I invited him to take care of the twins... let him help me find Hexxis who is also his daughter... I reasoned with myself on allowing myself to do so. I forgot Ame ...I forgot what had happened...I pushed everythig away for what was happening now but it never did change things did it?

Even when he reminded me of Est. Of the few times we didn't argue .... no... one time we didn't argue the day he convinced me to have an egg with him. I am disgusted with myself... allowed him to kiss me...was confused by it until I remembered who I was .... was... I was trying to trust him......

"Damn it!" Tri lowered his head into hsi hand for a few minutes then carefully closing the laptop before moving to pace again, to agitated to continue writing. Wanting to fix this somehow...he didn't even put what had happened to Stormy ... They didn't want him he didn't need them. As he told stormy he will care for them until they were adults...in the physical since they made it abundantly clear they didn't need him emotionally. He should feel sorry for what transpired guilt at the very least...but he didn't, it just felt like ash. The moment she turned the gun on him and the knife she cut the ties he was trying to form..he didn't see her as a child but as someone quite willing to kill those close to her. What had happen in the kitchen was his mistake... one of the many Bob would have pointed out..he should have held the hand longer waited until the knife clattered before pushing her ....yet he took the opportunity that had been presented... knowing here were at least two healers near by.

DH abnd Wizard where fine..they survived her ...barely it seems. Zaku....he didn't care. It would be easier for him if he never remember what happen..acknowledge what he allowed. If he was lucky he won't remember ...will be horrified and take the twins with him.

His children too.... and joining the murder squad or Renegades? Damn it. Yet he still need to go work.... find Ree.... convince Hexxis. Why was he bothering? really why. They all left, he wasn't needed or wanted and the only one that did was stuck in a memory and an affront to his own life........ he should leave.... 6 more months...he can think of something then.

Running his hand through his hair he kept on pacing, stopping to put the computer back into the pack and went back to pacing with occasional hits at a tree that left his knuckles bruised and raw.

Ameila made the effort to wake up early enough this day, but she waited until Hexxis left for work to get up, make some coffee and pull out the mysterious phone number she had been curious about for a while. Sitting down at the table, she unlocked her phone then dialed the number and waited as it rang.

Tri double checked the area, making sure everything was packed before he left. Now he had his important USB's he had hidden away along with Hexxis's storybook as well as a few other things. They were currently squished in his pack as he sighed troubled as he felt pulled in multiple directions. A ring pulled him from his thoughts as he frowned reaching for his phone, it was to early for a text from Hexxis. Another ring made him frown as he looked at the number, recognizing it from the hospital. Answering he waited for a response until he realized they wouldn't know. "Hello" he said quietly, worry making him start pacing.


Ameila heard a male voice on the line and blinked slightly, although it wouldn't be the first thing she wouldn't have expected. "Hello.. Is this the emergency contact for Hexxis?..." she asked quietly. "There's no emergency." she added quickly, realizing how this seemed. "I just wanted to know who this was... She doesn't speak of a lot, and she recently gave me this number as her contact as well and it matched the one that I found. So obviously you must be someone important to her. I'm Ameila.. the girl Hexxis has been staying with recently." her voice was soft, and maybe a little meek but still clear.

"Yes" he responded quickly as he stopped pacing and waited for the bad news, only relaxing when said there wasn't. "I see, at least she is aware you have my number now. I'm her father ..." There was a pause as he frowned. "Best you didn't know my name. However, I am aware she has been staying with you....thank you for that " he replied calm and evenly.

"Mmhmm. I figured it was about time I talked to you so that we can be on the same page. Especially now that i know you're her father, and she is still a teenager." she offered in kind. "I figure you know about her hospitalization... She has been doing much better and said she should be playing guitar soon again. I think that will cheer her up." she smiled even if Tri couldn't see it. "Also, it's no problem to keep her here.. It's lonely here, and I think she knows that. But she's always welcome to stay here as long as she likes."

"Guitar? hmm..." he left it at that and listened as she continued. "Thank you, that is currently up to her...since she has made it abundantly clear she does not wish to return...yet, but does not wish to go for what she had originally set out for. " he sighed. "Now that you know I am her father, could you call or text me if she gets into any serious trouble or goes missing for more than a day? She is in contact with me but is reluctant to inform me of more serious problems"

She quirked an eyebrow at the questioning tone of the mention of the guitar. "Did you not know she's a street performer here? I know that's not really where her skillset used to be, or at least by what she's implied. But her music is really nice." she commented then thought for a few moments on what he said. "She seems.. hmm, how to put it.. conflicted? But I'm not sure, it's hard to tell with her." pausing for a moment, her voice became a little softer. "What did she come here to do if you don't mind my asking? Maybe I can help her figure it out." she offered, but ultimately, she didn't exactly know how to help Hexxis. "Of course." she answered with a smile at the request. "That seems normal with teenagers, either want to hide what they are doing or just don't want to worry their parents about things. Either way, I'll definitely let you know if anything comes up." She was quiet for a moment. "Did you.. have any questions about me or her?"


"It is a skill she must have pick up recently, as for what she is looking for it is something she can easily find with a phone call. Nothing you need to worry about. " there was a pause and he just nodded even if she couldn't see. "Thank you and no...not really other than is she currently working a librarian at you library still? "


"Ahh, she plays like she's had years of professional training.. That's pretty impressive." she then paused at the comment about what shed been there for was just a phone call away. It was odd, then again, Hexxis wasn't the usual kind of person. At least it wasn't hard to find and nothing to worry about. "Oh, yes, she is still working at my library. She told me she'd be picking up playing guitar again at nights. Normally I'd be worried it would interfere with the lack of sleep, but she insists she doesn't sleep regardless and she never seems all that tired to me, so I guess I can trust her word on that?" she seemed unsure.

Tri frowned faintly, already remembering why he rarely talked even if he felt like he was doing that very often now. "Where is she playing guitar? "

"She plays on Lorelei St." she answered, "Don't know if she will keep playing there after what happened. I've been telling her to take the offer to play gigs for some artsy establishments around town. She famous enough that agents are trying to sign her, but she's been refusing them all, which honestly I think makes them want to sign her more." she paused, as if thinking back on something. "Are you thinking of seeing her play?"

"A street performer?" there was a flicker of surprise in his voice then a frown as she mentioned agents. "So she has a following. " there was a hint of disapproval. " I can understand her wanting to play nights then. What does she play in front of? A train station? "

Ameila was a little worried, it didn't seem like he knew about what she'd been doing in her time here. "It's near a major cross section in the center of Belosh." she answered. "There's a train station near there too, people all over Belosh have been talking about her."

"..... she obviously values little her continuing freedom " he said with rising anger. Hexxis had to know that such publicity will get her attention in Criel eventually, it wouldn't be the first time they changed the reason of a warrant. "Thank you for your information. You won't come up in the conversation "


Ameila frowned. "Please don't be too hard on her.." was all she could manage to speak in a soft tone, obviously feeling a little guilty. "Mhmm.." she responded. "I'll keep in touch if anything happens.."

"She should have known. Okay " and he hanged up staring down at the empty cot and he took a breath and moved to lay back down. Hexxis was likely working, he would have to call her later...or he could go to Belosh there...kill two birds with one stone. Look for Ree and see how far her reputation has gone if he could,

Ameila sighed as the man on the phone hung up with her. "...oh boy..." she muttered, running a hand through her hair.. It was going to be a long day.


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Hexxis's roommate called, Hexxis finally gave her my number. She called fishing for information but at the same time her questions and worries were simple. Nothing to suggest she even knew who Hexxis was or that there was any problems other than her own concern of how Hexxis usually is.

It was at least until she elaborated Hexxis popularity. She sang...she had a good voice that she was starting to become well known in specific areas. A quick look online showed me her singing.. people thoughts and hopes as well as well wishes. My only thought was for her safety... she was hiding or supposedly trying to hide and this was the worst way possible.

I headed to belosh to talk to her, I finished the week and was about to go to Beldrad when the call came and glad it did. I was going to talk to her.. tell her to be more careful.

I can't deny she has a very beautiful voice, it is easy to see how she gain the bit of popularity she had right now. I even tore the mp3 from one of the videos and put it into my player... a reminder of her ..also a reminder of the pain I was about to inflict with my request. It shouldn't be for long.. just 6 months

Things didn't go exactly as planned, I called her as I did a quick search for Ree and any information on her pseudo name. Things went from her singing to the reason she wouldn't return...her plans to buy a house here and bring us in exchange that I allow her to see Zeph. She would never know how useless she made me feel with those few words.... even if were to swallow my pride and agree there was still the merc... I wouldn't trust him..even if I was dallying with a company of them only hours before.

There was a difference and the difference was what he had done with Hexxis... Kae... his untrustworthy....and yet this was the person I was telling her to return to. She was right.. I have no idea what I want.. outside of her just returning to me and completely forgetting Zeph. There..that is what I want... it is just a pity it is unlikely to happen.

At least that is until she told me she had yet to find him..made as stipulation that if she didn't find him within 2 weeks she would cut off all ties and return to us. I agreed, there would be nothing more than I would want other than the feeling of dread that she would find him..she had not been looking to hard before but now?. Still it was the only chance so I agreed and headed back to Belrad the next day to face what was waiting for me...and wait those 2 weeks.

Two days after the call

I left my phone, laptop and even this journal with DH after writing the passcode in a text to her. Inside there will be a memo left as the background that will explain where I left her payment for what she has done and if she thinks it is good to leave the children with Zaku to do so, otherwise they should go back to Mara. I left Hexxis a text that I will be busy with a job and won't be able to contact her at least for 10 days.

That would be enough time to actually know if what we have been doing had actually changed anything. I will be turning myself in and just hoping I return to Mara. Unlike Hexxis I can't just wait 6 month and continue life normally again not when I want to go right back where I used to be. I could easily blame Zaku...if Cordellia hadn't taken me so much of this mess would never have happened..and Hexxis would likely still be back with us. Ree....if I can't find him then he had taken his lessons to heart and will be fine if he keeps on that road.

I haven't even told Mara...who I know will stop me. Still if something good comes of it ... be as it may.

I know this is is suicidal

I just do not see any way to get back.

I am jailed and being retrained for possible service to Norcrest and ...... Criel. Had I been aware I would have rethought this more carefully, this there is a possibility they are working with Criel in specific operations..superficial ties. I can't even contact Mara due to legal reasons, not that that would have stopped me if I was given an opportunity to get near a internet connected computer. No idea how things are going...even so I have to trust that everything is fine. Ree went off on his own, he knows hwo to survive. Mara is fine building what she can in Belrad...even if I worry she is fine... the twins have their father and Hexxis.....

I rather not think about it.

My superiors have been talking and my instructors have been putting me solely on gun training day in and day out. Why am I worsening? I am sick of guns ... everything is okay until they bring out the mock up and then my hand starts to waver. I don't understand.

My dreams have been odd, turning to nightmares the few times I did dream. The faces at the end of the gun aren't targets but one or two of my superiors. My problem has worsen to the point that they are attempting to give me a break from that by training me in others things, threatening me with elimination if I don't improve.


It's not to hard to guess where those dreams come from

I have days off but sometimes I don't remember what I was doing those days... just the next day and routine. It was almost comforting in a way, outside of instructions it was silence...no pain, no heartache, no temptation to kill a certain merc. Still I miss Mara, Ree, and Hexxis. When I can I will try to get in contact on the sly, I have found one person I could steal the phone from but returning would be much harder, still I'm waiting for an opportunity.

Circulating gossip has been talking about a failed job..someone messing up and barely injuring the target, the target escaping..a fiasco. Elimination or reassignment a possibility.


My hands keeps trembling.