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mechanisms

The look Tuck got in return was both exasperated and irritated. He didn't want to say anything. He wanted to give Stormy the time she needed to work up the nerve to tell them herself. He didn't want to force anything out of her. He didn't--

Nah, who was he kidding? He knew Stormy well enough to know that she wouldn't volunteer her problems willingly, and all he wanted, ultimately, was for her to feel better. They were her brothers, and what else were brothers for?

"Nah, we're boring," Evan said, scooting over to make extra room for Stormy on the couch. "Why don't you come sit and eat and tell us what's--new with you." It was as much of an invitation as he could make it instead of the order it could have been; he wanted to nudge, not push.

roots

Stormy pressed her lips together and moved her jaws like she was chewing gum, gnawing away at the fears they both presented with muted anxiety; having spent so much time in a low grayness, openly emoting felt like an uphill struggle. For a moment, it felt like just a little too much for them both to be scared, even though she'd known it all along. One couldn't stand and watch her as much as Gale did without feeling some degree of fear about what went on in her head.

She exhaled. "They're've my own making, Gale. I have to cut them myself, or I won't learn," she told him as she curled her fingers over his. "I need to..." Considering it all suddenly made her tired, the very mental image of moving forward weightier than something on her shoulders. "I need to see how it's like in the towns," she continued a little stronger. "I want to take a place and make it into a salon. Maybe--I-I know it's stupid, it's just hair and products and stuff," second guessing, hesitation returning, "but maybe it's something good. People won't have to go off island. Something a little more normal here. Maybe someone'll be interested in doing it with me. I've had practice before, I-I've been reading magazines and stuff..."

mechanisms

"Don't matter," Tuck responded, watching Stormy carefully. "You just start where you want. Don't have to make sense. Don't have to be in order. Sound like a broken record if you gotta, sweetheart. We ain't ever gonna tell you to be quiet, even if we heard it before."

Tuck leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to her temple. This was a good start. Maybe it wasn't the best start, but it would be something. It would get them somewhere.

"Start with Nevada, maybe, an' just work your way from there. S'as good a starting place as any," he finished lamely.

roots


He gave a little nod; untangling and cutting the vines that surrounded her was not something that could be done so easily, and it he knew that it was important to do things on her own, in spite of his desires to help. Gale had spent much of his time attempting to do the very same thing on several occasions, after all.

Stormy's hand was lowered as Gale lifted his eyes to meet hers, but he kept their fingers entwined, unwilling to let go just yet. His heart clenched in his chest, stuttering a little.

"That's not stupid," he said. "That's something - it's something. I mean," he added, with a slight laugh. "I'm not sure Rep's bar is considered anything militaristic, but it's somewhere to go, somewhere for people to relax on the island without having to go elsewhere. Maybe it's not, you know," he exhaled a breath of his own. "the best example, considering who runs it, but I don't think that your idea is unimportant, I think it's actually quite ingenious."

mechanisms

Stormy looked so frail for a minute, so goddamn small and little and young and yet so aged and wise at the same time, and for a second Theodore fell silent. He wanted to be exactly what she needed right then and there, and it was almost as if he knew what it was he needed to be - but it was hard for him, because he was not and never really had been the alpha; and so, like any grunt would do, Tuck glanced to Evan just as he had moments before. He looked lost, a little helpless and even more idiotic, but then he opened his big stupid mouth.

"It ain't ...bad. I don't know if it's normal, but it ain't bad. An' it ain't bad if you feel like you gotta let her go, neither."

Tuck cleared his throat and shifted on the couch.

"You takin' care of yourself like you oughta? Like... if you ain't because of what you hearin', like from Nevada... baby, I ain't gonna let you do that to me. That's ********' hypocritical of me an' I know it, but I need you. We need you. We're a family, three of us."

He'd kind of gone off on a tangent but he wasn't the best at emotioning.

mechanisms

She stiffened at Tuck's question and then chided herself as Evan took over. "I-It's not like...I am, I-I'm..." The thought abruptly ended on unfinished tracks and left her hanging. She'd spent so long in a floating state of ambivalent existence that trying to come back to earth again, to people with concrete words and warm hands that anchored her in reality, suddenly felt trying. Stormy considered just giving up there, as if every word spent explaining every little thing would take and take and take from her until she felt empty again.

She started to tear up and instinctively tightened her grip on their hands, not to seek their support but because of her ingrained habit of digging her nails into her palms--physical pain to distract from the emotional kind.

"I couldn't let her go if I wanted to," Stormy managed with surprising bitterness."F'it's not 'cause I'm mourning, then it's 'cause I'm angry, and if it's not that, she's j-just there, haunting me. A-And there're days I ask myself the same stuff she does, why I should even be alive when I can't even get past this, or when I pushed you away, Tuck--" One tear fell, then another. She stared steadfastly at her brothers' legs, sniffling, and chose to just let it spill from her rather than pause and let them take it in.

"There was this mission I went on back in August. Two months in the Sahara doing some Famine nest exterminating. My ex was there. I-It was...You have to understand, what I had with him before Deus wasn't healthy, I-I know that, I'm not interested in anything he's about anymore, b-but just...just being there with him..." She sniffled again and felt extra pitiful. "It felt like ripping off a scab and digging your fingers in, dirt and nails and sour blood.

"I-I tried," Stormy went on hastily, wide eyes darting up to look at them, pleading forgiveness for something they hadn't heard yet. "I believe in second chances, I do, I swear, I gave it to him, I gave it to him then, I gave it to him before, I gave it...M-Maybe I gave too much, I don't know. But this nest we went to at the end of it, this big one, we...we were all separated, and I was cornered by this horseman, and she asked me who should live, a-and I shouldn't have," she licked her lips, dropped her gaze, hunched her shoulders, "I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have, I-I know, but all I could think of was how I couldn't shake him here, I wouldn't be free, he'd just be there, he could just drop by out of the blue or text me or be on another mission with me again. There wouldn't be space." The word was whimpered. "I was scared. I should've fought back, should've said no, but I wanted him gone, I wanted him to j-just--just stop existing. I chose t-to save other people, and he and someone else died. Except he's alive anyway. And now I owe her three lives, a-and he's livid 'cause he found out somehow, a-and I'm scared've what he'll do if he finds me, and all through it Nevada just keeps saying over n' over, maybe I should just take one life instead've three--"

Stifling a sob, Stormy finally stopped and quivered as she tried to keep herself together, failing miserably. She pressed their hands to her face as more tears rolled down.