|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:47 am
Tracey let out a shallow sigh of exasperation in Rep's thoughts as the two men conversed, he'd been so close, close enough to imagine he could feel Ferros through the contact. He'd allowed it to progress that far in silence for a reason, the dragon might no longer belong exclusively to him (and that was a tragedy) , but his plans and machinations had allowed for that. He had planned instead to simply own both of them, hunter and weapon deftly dealing with the ownership dispute. To this day he was still utterly livid about Rep throwing a wrench into that plan and had hoped this little encounter might well change something. But no, nothing ever went to plan, nothing at all, and once again Ferros was far away.
Rep's mind felt like a mess, on one side there was the pull of Tracey's irritation, seeping into everything and muddying his own emotions, on the other there was raw need, hurt, want and a deep guilty sadness. He tried to focus on his own and push Tracey's away. "I give what I get." he said. "And if there are things I can't have then there are things I can't give, and that always ends up with people getting hurt. You got hurt."
He frowned at the other man's comments about Harrison, looking at his hands. "I need him to go after me. I need him to bring me back and catch me. If someone lets me leave, I'll never come back on my own because I'll know I was never wanted. It's how I always operated. I give him everything, he gives me everything. And I always felt shitty resenting you." he frowned deeply. "I shouldn't be jealous of someone I love, I shouldn't want to push you out to have him to myself."
And somewhere in his thoughts he remembered another self where even that jealousy had worked. Blue wanted the Boss to himself, he'd always wanted it, but his Jordan was firmly not going anywhere and in the long run that was fine, they all had jobs to do, regardless of their personal inter-relationships. "I still don't know how he feels about all of it." he said, his voice still slurred with the alcohol. "But I know he didn't want you to leave and never come back."
He gave Jordan a thoughtful look. "Did you talk to him?"
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 9:19 am
Jordan nodded. It made sense, in its own way. "You got jealous when I talked to people," he said. "It was, it got so everything I said, everything I did, somewhere in my head, it was is Rep going to be jealous, will he be mad at me for this? And I ... stopped talking. Because no matter what I said, it was wrong." He sipped slowly at the water. "When you wanted something, when I tried to give it to you, it was never enough."
"I don't resent that, not really, that's how it is, he takes care of you," he clarified. "I guess ... I just wanted to be caught sometimes, too. And it's, sometimes, a lot of the time, he had to choose, and mostly it was you. And I was jealous, a little; but if it was me, you'd be jealous, and angry at me again." He rested his elbow on his knee, holding the glass loosely by the top, and put his head down on his arm. "And if we were fighting, he can't defend both of us, then he gets hurt, but if I go somewhere else he got upset, and if, if I got another Moon to defend me, then you'd be mad, and maybe he'd be mad. I don't, I didn't have any right answer for that. For any of it."
He shook his head once, barely moving. "No. He was, he got so upset that I didn't have the right answers, and I still don't have them. I don't know what to say to him. I hurt him when I said the wrong thing, and I hurt him when I didn't say enough, and he doesn't trust me, and maybe I deserve that." He closed his eyes. "I don't want to yell at him. I'm angry still, and I, I said some really shitty things to you because I was angry. I'm sorry," he added.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 9:34 am
Rep nodded weakly. "I didn't want to make you stop talking, I wanted you to ignore it when it was ridiculous, the way Ace does. Just step right over it and do what you knew you were entitled to do anyway. But you aren't like that, you are fragile. I could break you, and when I can do something like that I do." He closed his eyes and let out a very very weary sigh. "It's in my nature to destroy things, even my own happiness if I can get away with it." Just look at five minutes ago he thought, it was second nature.
"And aye. I'm.. I get really jealous. Because I'm always scared man. And the things that really matter to me, I can't like. I can't express them. Because I'm like what if there's a chance you really cared about those things too? Then it'd be awkward. It happened all the time." he eyed Jordan and went on, sometimes stumbling over the words, but finding it easier to talk than it normally was. "Even in bed man, I'd get upset, because there were things I really wanted and sometimes I'd ask permission and you'd think it was an invitation to take it. Miscommunication and s**t. But it was my fault for expecting people to read my mind."
"It's pointless saying it now, but I wouldn't have been mad if you had another moon to defend you. I was always scared for you on your own, every time you went off to do s**t without us or whatever, I knew you were capable but you still should have had a moon. It was business." He frowned. "I'm more jealous now than I ever was. The idea of you being with someone else, being away somewhere I don't know where you are is awful. But at the same time there's all the same ******** problems, all the s**t I can't deal with."
He sighed. "I want you, and I want him. But I'm still scared of those times when we are together, when I feel scared and anxious and awful." It had no answers, there were so many conflicting problems he couldn't fix. "I'm sorry for what I said, but I don't think what you said needs apology, you stood up for yourself, its what I wanted for you all along."
There was that urge to reach out again but this time he stamped it down, refusing to ******** s**t up again. "You need to talk to him though. You really do. Even if its yelling, even if you are angry. The not talking, the silence is worse than anything else you could do, worse than anything you could say. You say you don't want to say hurtful things to him but like, by not talking to him you are saying that he never, ever mattered."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 10:03 am
"You'd break me, and I'd let you," Jordan said. "I'd help you. I tried." He breathed deeply, slowly, carefully. "I'm, this me, I'm not strong enough to ignore it."
He opened his eyes, started to reach out, stopped himself before the gesture could get anywhere. "I'm sorry," he said again, very low. "I'm sorry I didn't understand. That I didn't see. That I took too much."
"I want to be with you." He held the glass up, drank, rested the rim against his mouth briefly. "I want to be with you, but I don't think we can be together and not have it all go wrong again, because of all of it. I'm scared that it would be worse, just because of, of who we are. What we can't change."
"I wanted you to fight with me. I realized that after," he explained. "I wanted you to yell back so we could start talking about it. Because before, when things were wrong, when we fought we could work on it, fix it a little." He leaned back against the solidity of the wood behind him, studied the glass instead of looking at Rep. "I thought for a while about going out and finding a way to die," he said, even, matter-of-fact. "Some way that wouldn't be a waste. Just remove the problem." He sighed. "Wasn't strong enough for that, either."
"I brought him something too. I'm still, I've been, I think about him. He matters. I ... " He trailed off. "I'll talk to him," he said quietly. "I'm afraid. It's hard for me to face that."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 10:24 am
"I know. The other you is different, the other me was different too, less jealous for a start, in that world no one would leave him because he was like, part of it." The abandoned gesture hurt, but again he shook his head. "Don't be sorry for being who you are, who you are is one of the best people I've ever known and I don't know why I ******** destroy good things by being who I am."
He sighed. "And I would have fought you but right then and there I was just so tired. Just so so ******** tired, I didn't have any fight left in me, I could feel that I was always hurting you. Every time you wouldn't say anything on twitter, every time you'd roll over part of me died a little more. When I met you you were strong and sassy and I loved it, I loved your sense of humor and who you were and then I just smothered it and killed it."
Whatever words he had died in the water at the thought of Jordan even considering dying, sliding a deep cold blade of dread into his heart. He shook his head because it was the only reaction he could manage. "That wouldn't remove the problem. You aren't a problem." he said, clenching his hands again and wishing in way that he could feel that warmth again. "I don't want you to go away."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 10:55 am
"You're strong. There's a, a fire in you, and most people just can't get close without getting burned." Jordan finished the glass of water, set it carefully on the floor off to the side. "You're you. I don't want you to not be you."
He put his head down on his arm again. "I think I knew that it was over already," he said softly. "It was why I didn't talk to you sooner. Because if I did, I would have to admit that it was over, that I couldn't keep going even though I'd promised not to give up."
He shrugged one shoulder. "It hurt, and I thought, if I wasn't there, it'd be, I'd be out of the way, you wouldn't have to be jealous, he wouldn't have to choose. Ferros got upset at me. I didn't try." He didn't look at Rep. "I won't. There are still things I need to do, and someone might need me, sometime."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 3:45 pm
Rep wilted at Jordan's estimation of him. It was close, he felt. People didn't get near to him for long because he hurt them and pushed them away and very few people could tolerate it. It was just a shame that with both of them being the people they were, there was so much friction and hurt.
"He was right to get mad at you. People do need you, all the time, not just sometime." he crossed his arms, definite about this one thing.
"Tracey's been mad at me since we talked." he said. "He feels like he lost two people."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:07 pm
"I need that." Jordan was quiet for a moment. "I was happy for a while. We were. The rest of it, that doesn't cancel that out. I just, I want to be happy again. Sometime."
Ferros shifted in Jordan's mind, made a low and whining sound. "Ferros would still come out for golem time," Jordan said, half a statement, half a carefully neutral offer. "He's ... not happy about it either." He rubbed his eyes. Ferros's ring lit with a steady glow. "We're, I'm sorry, Tracey."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
