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 Posted: Wed May 21, 2014 6:58 pm
Instead of making him angry, instead of making his mood worse or making him want to run any more, Alistaire growing upset seemed to invlude the right sentence somehow. Something he'd said calmed Harland down. Not a prison sentence.
He wasn't trapped. He wanted to be here. Alistaire wasn't just using him; using him in a way, probably, but that couldn't and wasn't all there was to it. He felt silly for having doubted it. He felt sad at himself. "Of course I want to be with you," Harland said, surprised in a way that he'd ever thought he didn't, "Since the second you rested your head against my shoulder, since you caught hold of my hands, since you started t' get into my dreams at night," he teased.
Harland's sunny smile was back. He wasn't sure where that wave of panic had come from-- had he just needed to not feel physically trapped by Alistaire? Harland's hands looked for Alistaire's, knowing full well that he'd probably never let him hold on, but he wanted to hold Alistaire's hand so badly, to be closer to him.
Harland tried to place a kiss on Alistaire's cheek, but not a patronizing or cute one: it was just the shadow of a kiss he clearly wanted to share with Alistaire, but felt like he didn't want to smother him."Forgive me an' all, Alistaire; I want to be with you, an' honestly no matter how hard it's goin' to get for either of us I do want to be with you," he tried to explain.
"I was surprised when ye used the word needed," he admitted, "I wouldnae say either of us've ever needed the one or the other before... which is why I tell you that I want you, and I mean it," Harland said.
He was looking at Alistaire with the same tenderness he had before, and it was just as though all that had happened was a sudden summer storm: his sunny affection was back, and all he worried about was where that darkness had come from.
He just couldn't tell Alistaire he loved him. That was all. Just keep that one little secret to himself; he could manage that, surely.
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Posted: Sun May 25, 2014 5:31 pm
Admitting that he needed Harland was like opening up some part of himself that he had kept hidden for a terribly long amount of time. Alistaire Rahal-Nazari was never that open, would never admit to needing someone else; it was a weakness, a way of showing submission to someone else, and he simply was not that sort of person. So to admit, out loud, for Harland to hear, something as raw and personal as I need you was an enormous - and terrifying - step.
And here Harland was treating it like he was slapping handcuffs on him.
Alistaire's face was flushed with humiliation and anger, frustration heavy in his eyes, but Harland's smile was back and his fingers touched Alistaire's gloved ones tentatively, seeking them out. Alistaire's hands shook, but he allowed the touch, as well as the kiss to his cheek, which sent shivers of heat and emotion coursing up and down his spine.
"If you want me, then stay with me," he said flatly, not meaning in the literal sense, as in right that second, but in the general sense. Alistaire stepped closer, lacing his gloved fingers with Harland's bare ones and pressing against him. The words that Harland had spoken were like fire to his veins, like promises that fell in little drops of confusion and mingled desire and anxiety.
"If you want me, then let me need you for a little bit longer," he whispered, his heart in his throat, which felt dry and raw.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 1:02 pm
Harland didn't understand entirely how significant admitting to that was for Alistaire, not until he saw the frustration and anger and humiliation on Alistaire's face. He just wanted to make things right; Harland was sorry, not for the first time in his life, that he often didn't get things. This seemed to be one of those things.
"I'd stay with you as long as you'd have me," Harland said, sounding a little surprised, as if he didn't ever think there was another option on the table. Harland's heart raced again, as Alistaire pressed against him, and Harland laced his fingers with Alistaire's gloved ones eagerly, his muscles straining against the urge to press into Alistaire and taste him again.
"Alistaire," Harland tried, saying his name aloud and trying to get past the sheer impact on him just saying that word, "Alistaire, need me as long as you need to, I'll be there for you. Just a text away," he said, with a teasing smile at the end. Then, more seriously, his voice low: "Any time of the day, as fast as I can be, I'll always be there... I don't mind provin' I'm worth trustin', some day." His eyes were half-shut, feverish, and his waves of hair had slipped from where they were tucked to cover most of his face.
Harland tipped his head, the hair falling away from half of it, eyes opening a little wider as he looked at Alistaire's face, scanning every inch of it with a satisfied half-smile. Admiring it.
He took a mental photograph of Alistaire, again. He wanted to hold him, in that moment, more than anything else. Just pull him close and lean his head against Alistaire's. Be near him.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 2:31 pm
Whether or not Alistaire needed Harland for good or bad reasons didn't matter, at least at the present moment. All that mattered was that he did and that Alistaire wanted to explore that, to pick it apart and analyze the difference in their personalities until he could understand Harland down to his very bones.
Mutually assured destruction, he thought idly to himself, testing out Harland's grip by squeezing his fingers lightly. The sound of his name made him let out a low hum of amusement, Alistaire taking a step forward, pressing Harland against the back of the door. Vaguely he wondered how much further he could push Harland before he broke down, before he let go of his resolve; an experiment of wills, a battle of minds. They were both stubborn, but where Alistaire was the scientific one, Harland was the more emotional one, which made him insatiably curious about how his mind worked.
"I never said I didn't trust you," Alistaire said, the trace of a smirk on his lips as he absently tilted his head closer to Harland's, close enough to share in his breath. Alistaire's voice dropped a few octaves lower.
"I find you quite fascinating, actually, Mr. Belle."
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:05 pm
Harland had also elected to drop his contemplation as to Alistaire's motivations, in that moment-- it was very easy to do so, when Alistaire was so very present, and so very tempting. He wasn't used to being so breathless around anyone, especially not when sober. Harland was going to learn slowly about Alistaire, and he would remember everything that he learned, file away every sentence and every thought. Every sight of him.
If Harland could have heard Alistaire's thoughts, he would have disagreed; Harland didn't feel like he was arming himself for anything. He was learning about someone that he was discovering he loved, and that was why he wanted to know more. It wasn't so that he could use what he knew as a weapon, though that was Death Division's aim in most regards.
Pressed against the back of the door, Harland gripped Alistaire's fingers firmly and then relaxed it; a fierce pressure at first, that channelled Harland's desire into that one acceptable gesture. If Alistaire was to push until Harland broke, he'd find that Harland didn't really break. Harland would reach the point at which it made sense to break, and then he'd bend-- he was clever, more clever than he seemed, and so naturally there was some part of himself he reserved like a fire escape. A back exit, if he got cornered somewhere he didn't want to be.
It wouldn't be painless, by any means, but he got back up onto his feet fairly quickly. Harland could barely hear Alistaire's voice, as the man's lips were so close that Harland could breathe the same air. Harland's tongue tip wetted his own lips, so close he could have brushed Alistaire's, tugging them in as he wetted them, breathing heavy. His heart swelled as Alistaire said it wasn't that he didn't trust him, that he was interesting or so. He smiled.
"And I guess the word for you'd be... hmm... enrapturing? Ensnaring... bewitching... intoxicating?" Harland tried each word, speaking low, soft, a heavy pause weighted between each word as his muscled practically shook with the effort it took not to push forward and try to bridge the gap between them. To kiss Alistaire again.
The waiting felt amazing.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 3:34 pm
Note to self: breathing more rapidly.
Note to self: squeezes hands when clearly holding back.
Note to self: voice gets lower when under pressure.
Note to self: .....
Alistaire's gaze had flickered, and he would have looked down at Harland's mouth, but the close proximity meant that his vision would have been skewed. He could feel the other man's breath on his lips, the heat emanating from his body, and it was just as Harland had said - intoxicating.
"You're exaggerating," whispered Alistaire, and smirked, his lips curving upwards. "I am many things, but none of those are particularly accurate descriptions."
He let go of Harland's hands and slid his gloved fingers, still shaking, around Harland's neck. The panic rose briefly, but he tamped down on it, forced it away, because there were much more favorable things to focus on than the fact that he was terrified of everything that he pretended to not care about.
"Still, your attempts are appreciated," Alistaire said, and closed the minuscule distance between them, crushing his mouth against Harland's with a sharp intake of breath.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 4:59 pm
Harland didn't really have a filter. That was probably why he couldn't process what he knew very well: there was basically no system of organization. Everything just stacked up in boxes in his brain. He was watching Alistaire with a blissful and uncharacteristic haze to his thoughts, for once cut off from his mind's constant need to gather everything around him.
"What? I'd never exaggerate," Harland said, grinning still. Okay, so he might be a little, but that made it more fun. Besides, he was having a lot of trouble concentrating. It seemed to be a recurring problem, when Alistaire got under his skin.
Harland had a dull ache of a thought, for a moment, that while he'd sort of won their fights he had lost what it had been about: If Alistaire said jump, he'd do it without even asking how high and if Alistaire said that was too low he'd do it again, better. For some reason, that didn't bother him. He didn't mind it if Alistaire needed to be in control.
"For what it's worth, not inaccurate... enraptured is to be in a state of intense bliss or happiness, and when I am with you I suspect I'm closer to that than I've known in a long time," Harland said, shutting his eyes, and letting himself admit as much while pretending to be far away so that he didn't stop himself.
Harland opened them again to watch Alistaire as his hand slipped around Harland's neck, and felt Alistaire's mouth press into his a fraction of a second later, one of his own hands reaching to press lightly against Alistaire's back. Curious, Harland took Alistaire's lower lip between his teeth and bit gently, before sealing it with a second kiss-- he wanted to know what Alistaire saw in it, but the way he bit seemed pretty different from how Alistaire himself did.
Harland let his hand slip away, trying not to make Alistaire feel trapped. The kisses made all his thoughts scatter. Harland was pretty sure if Alistaire was going to be the end of him, he'd accept his fate with open arms if it involved these kisses.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 10:02 pm
Alistaire gave a little snort of amusement.
"You?" he repeated dryly, grateful for the distraction, for the simplicity of something easy to understand. "You have a knack for describing things in great detail and much exaggeration, Mr. Belle. You have quite a habit for making things extravagant."
Harland had closed his eyes, which gave Alistaire an odd sense of triumph, as though he'd caused some part of him to become unable to handle him; the beginnings of the snap he'd intended to cause, but Harland still didn't break, and it was Alistaire that made the first move, Alistaire that leaned against him and kissed him, not the other way around, at least not at first.
One of Harland's hands touched Alistaire's back, sending a shiver down his spine. He pressed closer, and then felt teeth against his lip, a small bite that made him gasp aloud, his breath hitching in his throat before Harland swallowed the sound. Alistaire's bite had been possessive and demanding; this one was curious and an exploration, and Alistaire felt tiny slivers of panic run down his chest.
Don't think don't think don't think.
Alistaire's hands slowly crept around Harland's neck until both of his arms were wrapped around him, and he was pressed so close it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended. He carried on kissing Harland for several more heated moments, his face flushed, before he managed to drag himself away, his breathing ragged, his chest tight. Alistaire leaned his forehead against Harland's chin, closing his eyes.
"I want to nap. Stay with me until I fall asleep," he said, and it was less a question and more a selfish demand, a childish request. Alistaire folded himself against Harland's broad chest, letting out a little sigh.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2014 11:28 pm
Harland's amused lopsided grin was back. "Maybe I'm just tryin' to impress you, an' it's makin' me exaggerate everythin' in the hopes its extravagance'll net you," he joked. He raised his brows briefly, and added: "Like a peacock."
It was unlikely anything like this would snap Harland again. He'd buckled under the pressure of feeling used, and fearing that he'd be discarded immediately after. He suspected now that couldn't be the case.
Maybe that was the intention originally, but he was fairly sure that Alistaire couldn't swing it now, for whatever reason. The I need you didn't mean that he needed him for a specific task, though he likely did, but instead had taken on a broader sense.
A sound somewhere between surprise and pleasure hummed in Harland's throat when Alistaire gasped, Harland's kiss twisted by his new smile. The smile got distracted, when the heated kisses carried on and Harland's whole body was pressed up against Alistaire's. Every inch of him felt like it was being razed by flames, and he desperately wanted to touch more skin, but couldn't-- couldn't, because he didn't want to rush Alistaire. As a result, it took him several heartbeats' worth of time before he could calm down enough to level his voice and answer, and even then he still had to clear his throat first.
"Gladly," Harland said, and it was clear he didn't think it was selfish at all. That he'd do this any time Alistaire asked, and perhaps even if he didn't; as though staying with him until he was asleep was the most natural conclusion imaginable. He smiled, looking down at Alistaire's head, and inhaled slowly and evenly, breathing in the way Alistaire smelled, feling their bodies so close. It was dizzying, it really was. Harland was probably going to regret this momentarily, but he attempted to stoop down so that he could pick Alistaire up in his broad arms and carry him the very short distance to the bed, to set him down. If Alistaire'd permit it.
Equally so, Harland would sit on the edge of the bed, looking fondly at Alistaire in a way he desperately couldn't help. Harland hoped how he felt wasn't as obvious as how he figured it seemed he felt.
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2014 8:06 am
Maybe if he stayed here, leaning full on against Harland's chest, he'd be able to absorb some of that warmth; that he'd be able to pick it apart and analyze just where it came from and how it occurred and why it was so irresistibly demanding. Harland's chest was broader than his, more muscular, and there was something oddly reassuring about it, Alistaire sliding his gloved hand from Harland's neck down.
He felt Harland's arms move, and then they were around him and he was lifted off his feet, Alistaire giving a little gasp of surprise, his shaking fingers curling tightly in the fabric of Harland's shirt. He gritted his teeth to keep from saying anything (or perhaps from throwing up), but then he was being set down on the bed and he could breathe again. Alistaire shifted and leaned over, tugging at his shoelaces until he could pull off his shoes, setting them aside, and then he was turning to look at Harland beside him, at his ridiculous expression, and something twisted low in Alistaire's stomach.
Wordlessly he leaned over, and without touching him anywhere else, pressed a kiss to Harland's lips. He pulled back after a moment, his eyes half lidded, and licked his lips, a smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Alistaire drew away, unwilling to let on how tight his chest felt, and then he had curled beneath the covers, drawing them over him. He pressed his flushed face into the pillow and exhaled a sharp breath, anxiety making his body tremble, but he also didn't want to be alone, not now, not after everything. Alistaire stretched out a gloved hand behind him and found Harland's, and without saying anything, tugged on it, trying to pull him down beside him.
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2014 9:08 am
Small blessings, at least, that Alistaire turned away after he'd gotten his shoes off, so Harland's expression wasn't under further scrutiny. He figured Alistaire'd already caught it, though, in that moment he'd made eye contact before he turned away. Harland didn't mind. He wasn't going to say anything. Like most other aspects of his life, he was content to calmly wait and enjoy the wait. That was, after all, one of the best parts.
Couldn't lose someone you didn't really have, couldn't cut into feelings that went unspoken. It was perhaps weak, or cowardly, not to admit them-- but he equally thought there was a lot of sense in waiting. Let something grow, instead of smothering it just as it started to break ground.
Everything needed sun, in the end.
Harland was surprised by the kiss, in a pleasant way, a soft fluttering in his chest contrasting entirely with the heat of being pressed against Alistaire before. That was the way it felt to love him, he thought, as Alistaire pulled back and smiled. Harland could sketch that smile a hundred times, and never be sick of it.
Harland squeezed Alistaire's hand, as if reassuring him that he would be right there, and was again surprised that Alistaire was pulling him down beside him. Gently, Harland eased into a position where he could lie close but not entirely touching. Close enough that if Alistaire wanted to touch, just a small move back would bridge the gap. Far enough away that only his hand holding onto Alistaire's connected in a solid way, at the moment.
"Is mian liom aisling maith agat, mo chroi," he whispered, "I wish you good dreams." He smiled, and very quietly, a long while later, when he figured Alistaire might be asleep or might not be-- "My heart."
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2014 9:14 am
He felt, rather than saw, Harland lie down behind him, the bed sinking a little beneath his weight. Warmth spread out across Alistaire's back, and he turned his face into the pillow, resisting the urge to shift backwards and bury himself against Harland's solid chest again, wrap himself in the warmth and let it envelope him.
Too close, Alistaire thought sleepily, tiredly.
Harland's hand was kept in Alistaire's grip, but it slackened as his eyes fluttered shut and his breathing became deep and even. It was strangely easy to fall asleep with someone else beside him, and even though his chest was tight and his stomach was twisting with anxiety, Alistaire focused on his breathing and the fact that he was beneath the blankets while Harland was atop of them, leaving a barrier of fabric between them anyway. After a while he drifted off into an uneasy sleep, the last thing in his ears the sound of Harland's soft voice.
Sometime during the next few hours, Alistaire would inadvertently shift in his sleep, his back pressed against Harland's chest, his flushed face nestled into the pillows, his fingers still loosely entwined with Harland's.
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Posted: Tue May 27, 2014 11:05 pm
Harland's muscles seemed to tense of their own accord, lying there wired awake as he tried not to stare at the back of Alistaire's head. His heart was still pounding. He couldn't quite seem to calm down, being this close to him and lying in his bed without being able to touch him.
He couldn't say this was a familiar activity, by any means.
Harland felt Alistaire's grip on his hand relax, and realized he was probably asleep, just at the right time. He smiled to himself. Good. No secret to give away today.
Not yet, and he hoped he could keep it to himself a lot longer.
Harland didn't move, and in fact fell asleep shortly after, lulled to sleep by Alistaire's breathing and the knowledge that whatever happened now, Alistaire was safe asleep and he himself was there to watch over him. To try to keep the nightmares away, even if such a thing couldn't possibly be accomplished just by lying beside him.
More accurately, he'd be there if Alistaire woke from a nightmare, and he'd be there to comfort him. That was the best Harland could hope for, realistically.
It would do.
He stirred briefly from sleep when he felt something press against his chest, waking to Alistaire having shifted into him, hand still clasped with his. Harland smiled, resisted the urge to move in return and kiss the back of Alistaire's head; he just let himself fall back asleep again, his last thought being a haze of:
You're so easy to love, and you have no idea, because I can't tell you.
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