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 Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:07 pm
"You aren't much better now than you were then." Rep said grimly. "Just look at my face. People don't ******** change, they just learn how to hide who they are better. I'm no different than the day I fell out of that pod, I've just learned more what s**t is going to get me killed." he shrugged. "And I don't buy that you were all that different, maybe you just wore the mask better, maybe you just coped different, it doesn't mean you deep down were any different."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:10 pm
"I don't think you're getting what I'm saying," Jerry rubbed his temples. "You're smarter then you let people believe. You're capable of nice things when you want, you're capable of love, or Harrison and Jordan wouldn't put up with you. You just gotta' give a little bit more to the outside world without being afraid of getting hurt. You aren't a coward, are you?"
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:14 pm
"The rest of the world doesn't deserve me, the rest of the world is a shithole. I'm no afraid of getting hurt, I just know its a ******** guaranteed thing. When I meet someone its pretty instant where I know if they will ******** me over or not, whether they give a ******** about me deep down. The people who do, I respect. Like Molly and s**t. The people who are selfish pricks and bitches I can smell it on them like a ******** stink and they'll never get a ******** fraction of me."
He shook his head. "So no, I'm no a coward but I'm also no stupid, I can't just ******** bumble around giving people my respect for nothing, that's one sure fire way to end up dead. I'd sooner die with my ******** dignity than as a doormat."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:16 pm
"So you'd rather loose your temper and become the target of the facility because people know you have a short fuse and are more than happy to light it? Honestly, seems a lot easier to defuse their own selfish er... trolling? By killing them with kindness."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:19 pm
"No. It's not easier. It's only easier if you don't give a ******** about dignity or pride. Which I do. I'd never ******** like, I don't know be nice to someone who was looking down on me in the hope it would make them respect my kindness. Because they won't, they'll think I'm a ******** idiot and I can't ******** stand the idea of that." he snorted, getting angry and agitated at just the thought. "It's easy for you. I don't know where you draw the line on your dignity, you just frolic and dance and ******** sing for the uncaring massess and give and give and what does it get you? Nothing. ******** nothing but a lot of people who think you are mental. It's pointless. Trying to overwhelm people with kindness is pissing in a ******** ocean of piss."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:24 pm
At that, Jerry fell quiet, staring down at his guitar as he quietly pulled a few notes and chords from the strings. "I just try to be happy. It's not easy. I um. I used to be bullied a lot. Like. Ahah... a lot. But I noticed if I didn't let them see me get down about it, they lost interest. I was a lot more popular when I could make them laugh from something I said than something they did to me, you know? So that's just... I don't know. How I cope."
Another pregnant pause, and he added, "Do people really think I'm mental?"
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:29 pm
"Everyone on this island thinks everyone else is mental." Rep said grimly. "They like to think they are alone on their little patch of sanity. I've had people tell me I'm a psychopath, and maybe they are right, but I don't doubt for a second they aren't all there ******** either." He frowned deeply, eyeing Jerry. He could see it as far as bullying went, in another time and another place he would have exulted in trying to beat every trace of happiness out of the other man, to drag him down to the dark place he inhabited.
"Ignoring what people say works. Making them laugh at you doesn't help. It doesn't. There was a kid we used to harass, like, all the ******** time, and we'd call him s**t and he'd try and deflect it with like, really bad jokes and s**t, pretend we didn't get to him. And we'd laugh, but it wouldn't be with him, it'd be ******** at him. We pitied him and we'd poke him like a ******** dancing bear, dance Fat Pat, dance. He became a ******** toy is all. That's what people will do if you make them laugh. You have to ignore them completely. And that's what I can't ******** do. I can't ignore people, I can't let s**t slide, because I have to dominate. I have to enforce."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:36 pm
"I guess you just gotta'... not care what they think. You can't win either way- if they don't respect you or they hate you, same difference with a lot of these people... I mean. In the battlefield, what if Harrison isn't there and the only Moon you got is Marcus? He's a d**k, yeah. I'm..." he coughed, "Not overly fond of him. But even so, a Moon is a Moon in a pinch and while he's a jerk... feeding into his yip yip yip isn't going to get him to respect you enough to do his job. I guess that's party of my problem... I try not to think about what people think. Most of the time it works just fine, you know? I keep trucking. But then it kind of hits me and it's like..."
He wove a hand before letting it fall back to his knee and the guitar. "I don't know. People are complicated. So long as I'm not left to die somewhere and have friends to talk to I think I'll be alright."
Another soft series of notes before he added, "Although a girlfriend would be nice."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:41 pm
"No. In battle I'd never ******** rely on Marcus. Ever. I let him defend me one time and with my full ******** trust and he stepped aside and let a ******** insanity phoenix mow me down because I apologised for not hitting as had as other people might have been able - I was a ******** trainee at the time. He accused me of not wanting to live and left me to die. No. I wouldn't trust him in a pinch. I wouldn't want his ******** respect, because he is one of those untrustable cunts I'm talking about." he shook his head dismally. "I can't change the fact I care either. I am exactly what I am, it's just a matter of learning how to live here."
Jerry got another look, it wasn't exactly pity but it was a little softer than the anger Rep had been projecting. "There's plenty of bitches on this island now, more every ******** day, it can't be too hard to find one if you just get out there and look."
He patted the other man's shoulder. "And you aren't getting left to die any time soon."
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 5:24 pm
Jerry's slender frame wobbled under the pat, and he couldn't help but start to smile. He glanced down at his palm, and the smile faded, "Yeah well... let's hope so."
As for the many fish in the sea... it wasn't a matter of catching one, really, it was a matter of keeping one.
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 6:01 pm
Rep nodded. "Don't hope so. ******** make it so."
He didn't regret using a star trek quote one bit.
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