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 Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:53 pm
Tell her something. She deserves to know-- does she even care? No. This is your problem. You want to cry about it. You want to tell someone.
How selfish. He sucked his breath-- he was being childish about this.
He took another swig of his beer before standing up. He collected his breath and looked back at Anita with a bright, broken grin. Now that he could see better in the dark and could see Anita, he felt even more of an inclination to keep his cool-- there was no need to panic in front of a stranger. Again.
"Y-yeah, sorry," he tried to rub the tired from his eyes again, to no avail. He'd never get used to their sunken-in feeling. "Din't mean for it to come out so direct. I just wanted to say sorry for pullin' you into my bullshit, that's all."
He awkwardly went back to picking up the fireworks debris after setting his bottle down nearer to the trees, so he wouldn't try to distract with it again. Despite picking up as much as he could, he could feel himself moving painfully slowly-- like he was moving at the pace of a snail. He wasn't too sure if he was in reality, or if everything around him was just going at a pace quicker than him. And, hell, he was feeling swimmy too-- less from the alcohol, and more from the pressing feeling in his temples, though it helped that the only thing he had for the day were beers and one rib.
He stood still for a second and covered his face with one hand. "I have regrets," he noted, in a half-joking light. He was mostly inferring to his terrible eating decisions; he only realized a few moments later that it could be taken as something else, but he wasn't going to run his mouth again.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:55 pm
Her movements felt clunky from the cold. Anita's fingers were chilled and difficult to flex. Their dexterity was greatly reduced as it was, though the nature of their task only required so much. Some of the fireworks paper and casings were still warm. Of those that were, Anita clutched them to her palms and tried to sap that heat into herself. The effects were minimal.
Small handfuls were brought to the carton and dropped in with relative silence. She was listening. She wasn't looking but she was listening. His apology was about as awkward as anything else in the past minute and Anita acknowledged it with a shrug.
Responses passed through her mind fleetingly. Of course he didn't want to bring her into his s**t, they didn't know each other at all. She couldn't imagine him wanting to bring even the people he was closest to into that mess – but it happened. Nothing was going to change the fact it happened. He could apologize for it all he wanted, the sentiment was the same, but if he was just hung up on those apologies then Anita doubted heavily anything would actually get accomplished. Whatever he hoped to achieve, anyway.
The next bit made her hesitate. Anita looked up from her crouch, both hands clasped around a particularly large assortment of trash, and stared at him with a somewhat tense expression. It softened a second later.
”Are you okay?” No, obviously not. That time her voice was much more quiet, maybe quiet enough to overlook. She slowly peeled herself from the ground and rid herself of the trash, dusting her hands off on each other and then her coat. ”I mean – really – okay?” Anita stood still.
There was more trash to collect but this was more pertinent, more immediate, and needed to be handled with a more much delicate touch. She wanted to ask about what happened on the phone, how things ended up that way, why he bothered inviting her instead of just letting Duncan do it if her mere presence was a stressor – which it clearly was. Maybe she shouldn't have stayed back. Maybe she should have asked Cruz to instead.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:55 pm
Mordekai stifled while grabbing a few bottles. He was also mid-crouch, but managed to right himself and nod in an attempt to persuade Anita from-- asking him questions. He wasn't sure if it was sorry, but he recognized that his behavior could come off as full of self-pity which, frankly, he despised the most.
His lips were a thin line of a smile as he dropped a few cans into the box. Of course he wasn't okay. He ******** up again and felt displaced in how shitty he felt, but no one had to know. He couldn't control his momentary drop in expression, though; he frowned briefly and brushed his hand nervously through his hand again. He let go of the empty bottles and they clattered loudly in the box. "Perfectly okay. Just had a moment," he breathed, the strength of his words so loud and vocal that Mordekai swore it echoed off of the trees.
He paced way form the designated trash and tried to quicken his pace, but like Anita, he was significantly deterred by the cold. As he picked up the last few rounds of bottles, he piped up in a frank manner. "Cold jus' got the better of me for a moment there. Like I said, just wanted to apologize," he paused-- did he sound genuine at all? "That's all, really. Don't want you to leave thinkin' that you're not welcome here."
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:56 pm
The only thing that sprang to Anita's mind as Mordekai suddenly backpeddled the conversation with surprising vigor was: wow.
Worry dropped from her face. Her expression turned neutral, save for her slightly narrowed eyes. Both arms hung limply at her sides and she made no more move to assist in clean up. That wasn't it. She didn't have to know him to tell he was lying. People don't just do that. Silence ticked away steadily as the seconds passed and she continued to stand there. Staring. Scrutinizing. Only when he was on his way back to the container did she scoff again, this time meeting his eyes full on.
”Don't.”
Her voice wasn't loud but it carried with surprising strength. Anita only waited long enough to make sure his attention was grabbed before continuing. ”Just don't, alright? What's the point? Please, tell me, I'd really like to know.”
Anita's stance shifted, hands burying themselves in her jacket pockets as she turned to face him fully. The wind was blowing her hair in her face, making it a bit difficult to concentrate, but she kept her eyes trained on him.
”You made it abundantly clear you're sorry I was there and you messed up – and I get it. For your mental security, I'm sorry I was there too. Except I'm not. I'm not sorry at all. Is that what this is about? 'Cause that's all it seems to be about, to me.” A long cloud of breath passed through her teeth as Anita hissed, her posture deflating. She grimaced. Was this too harsh? He was side stepping it and then tripping right back over himself. He was right, this was stupid, so she was going to make sure they were both on the same page, if nothing else.
God, please don't panic again. ”I'm not sorry because you're alive and I don't regret being there for that. It doesn't matter if I know you or not. I would've helped anybody just the same.” ...Wait. No. s**t. He didn't know about that. He didn't even know for sure she was there, of course he didn't know she intervened. Her eyes fluttered wide and a rush of sick heat waved over her entire body. Anita froze.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:57 pm
Mordekai froze mid-drop. He continued clutching to the bottles as Anita stopped in her tracks, and he looked curiously back at her, eyes wide. He felt his chest quickly pumping with adrenaline with just one word.
What's the point?
His face fell, and he clutched the bottles in between his fingers tighter. "I just wanted to say sorry, really," his voice was low and barely comprehensible, but it didn't matter-- Anita kept on speaking, and he felt his strained shock diminish to raw confusion and hurt. Anger. An anger so strange and unkempt that it bunched into his throat the longer Anita spoke, though the more she did, the less he comprehended.
His voice choked back in retaliation with every finished sentence. Then: I would've helped anybody just the same.
Brows furrowed, he stared at Anita. He clutched the bottles until his knuckles turned bare-white, and despite the rumble of hurt lodged in his neck, he only managed a trembling, breathy voice.
"...Wait-- what?"
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:59 pm
Anita's hands trembled but they moved to her face, which now felt twice as hot. A momentary nausea seeped in and her legs felt weak. Carefully, she lowered herself to a crouch, sitting on the balls of her feet, and she wrapped her arms around her head.
God dammit.
”Y-you--” Unlike him, she couldn't just refuse to explain. She dropped the ball, it was in the court now, and there was absolutely no reason to lie about it. Her voice croaked at first. Anita cleared her throat. ”You were on your back...”
This was a bad idea. This was such an indescribably bad idea, but she had to. She had to say it. He had every right to know, every right in the world, but there was absolutely no doubt in her mind this was just going to make things worse for him – at least in the short term. Would he run off again? There was no phone to drop this time. If he ran, he would just leave her in the pitch black fields with a bunch of trash.
It was difficult to raise her voice, so instead she made sure her mouth was unobstructed. Anita spoke clearly despite the new found unease that caused her voice to shake. ”No one was moving. I-I didn't know, I just-- you were shaking and you were on your back. You were—you were gonna--” she lifted her head but didn't look at him, just enough to gesture at her throat to signify vomit but it was dubious whether or not he would understand, ”--and you couldn't – so I – I moved you. So you didn't choke...”
The scene at the gazebo was still clear in her mind. It was a blessing how dark it was out here, for both of them, to not see the building in the distance. All of the picnic furniture inside toppled, Rebecca shrieking into her cellphone, clinging to Jerri who was in a daze, Duncan running after her from the garden but lagging behind. In her fear from hearing Becky scream, Anita's long legs took her quickly down the hill and she found the two of them outside the gazebo. It was such a nice day, clear sky, a cool breeze. Cruz was inside, watching over Mordekai with great confusion. He was hurting. He was hurting and they had to make him comfortable. She had no idea what she was doing at the time, running on pure blind instinct, but she didn't regret that move. Not at all.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:00 pm
After the initial shock, he didn't feel anything beyond bewilderment. Some part of him welled with pity as he watched Anita crumple to the floor, but his chest still felt red-hot from her blunt inquiries. He should have felt angry, sad, something-- but how was he supposed to take in all of this? That she was there. That she saved his life-- even he could gather that much.
"No, no..." he brushed his hands through his hair and stared, jaw gaped. "Don't-- don't do this to me, Anita, please."
Mordekai ran a hand over his mouth and stared at Anita, but her eyes were locked at anywhere but him. He shook his head while staring-- this was the hurt he caused.
"Anita, please don't do this to me," he begged. She looked hurt-- shouldn't he be, too? He shouldn't be overwhelmed with tired, with pity of his own-- but his eyes welled and his voice ached and squeaked with pathetic sympathy for Anita. He braced a few steps forward and slowly crouched down to look at her closer, his hands awkwardly hovering near her shoulders. "Anita, Anita-- I need you to look at me."
Mordekai finally mustered the courage to gingerly-- perhaps, accidentally, a little too roughly-- grab the pale girl by her shoulders. He shook them lightly in concern, but his half-assed attempts at getting Anita to pay attention-- please, please-- merely turned to strained tears, and he lowered his head in defeat.
"Please," he began again-- he swallowed the lump in his throat and attempted to speak clearer, despite his shakes. His continued attempt to grab Anita by tightly by the shoulders, rather than stare in his emptiness. As more tears welled from his face, he let out a pitiful, choked laugh. A quiet, pathetic one, one that made his speech tremble with confusion.
"Why did you have to tell me that," he blurted, "I said I was sorry, didn't I? What the hell d'you want from me?"
He lowered his head; he laughed louder to combat his gradual sobbing, "Sorry... sorry-- God, I can't do this anymore..." he took his arms off of Anita and sat in defeat on the dirt, one hand covering his face. He was sobbing, like a damn fool.
"God, why'd you do it," he strained, "I just wanna die... I just wanna see Annie again..."
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:01 pm
She heard him approach. She was frozen. Her entire body tensed. Anita's heart was pounding anxiously , she tried very hard to avoid looking at him – not because she didn't want to but because she thought it would make it easier on him. Often getting looked at, stared at, put strange amounts of unspoken pressure on people; at least it did for her. She thought she was doing him a courtesy until he dropped to his knees and asked her to look. By then she was still dazed and her body cold. Quick movements were difficult.
A sharp inhale accompanied his grip on her shoulders and finally her head lifted. By then his had lowered and – oh god, he was crying.
Mordekai's plea for her to look at him didn't make sense to her but, now that she was, now that he asked, she refused to look anywhere else. Would it help? When he wasn't looking back and he was crying, when his grip was weakening, would it help at all? Each time he interrupted his tears with laughter it left Anita feeling ill at ease. His hold on her dropped completely and for a second Anita felt like she would fall but she didn't make any moves to catch herself and she stayed upright. He apologized again. No, she was the one that should apologize this time. He wanted to drop it and she hounded him, now he was a mess and she didn't know how to make it stop, to bring him back.
”I just wanna see Annie again...”
Slowly, very slowly, Anita lowered herself forward onto her knees. She didn't know that name. Again and again, she told herself it wasn't her business – told Johan it wasn't either, and he seemed to silently agree. All she knew now was that he lost someone very important and that was why. Her mind rushed with thoughts and ideas but nothing was coherent enough to put into words. Even then, she wasn't sure she wanted to; debates of whether or not there was an afterlife, heaven or hell, rebirth, or if life just ended and he wouldn't get to see anyone at all, least of all her. That wouldn't be good to say. Not now. There was no way to prove it but she couldn't rip that hope out from under him.
But he said he wanted to die. Anita sat limply, watching this grown man cry before her on a clear frigid night. She'd been silent for nearly a whole minute until her emotions caught up with her in a huge rush and her face briefly twisted to match his. She didn't mean for this to happen. She just wanted to clear the air. She didn't want anything from him.
”H-hey...” it was scarcely a whisper but with no fireworks, no hollering men around, she may as well have been speaking loudly.
She didn't know what to do. What to say. All Anita knew was that she couldn't leave him hanging like this. Her entire body shook as she inched herself closer on her knees, taking her time, making sure not to spook him. When she was close enough, one hand hovered near and stopped completely over his shoulder. ”I didn't—I didn't mean anything...” Anita's fingers tentatively touched his flannel, then curled up a good handful of it. ”It must be hard... I'm sure it is – but it's okay... It's okay to miss her. It's okay to cry. You--” her chest hurt, a concentrated and sharp pain in her ribs right between her heart and gut, ”--It's been a long time. You're holding on... You're strong, Mordekai. You are...”
This wasn't going to work, was it? She had absolutely no idea what she was supposed to say or do. Her mouth was just running on its own. s**t. ”I'm sorry I ******** this up. This isn't what I wanted at all...”
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:02 pm
No, no-- he wasn't any of those things. Between his sobbing, Mordekai managed to shake his head again and again-- no, no, you're wrong, can't you see? Couldn't she tell by the way he was sobbing away without remiss-- couldn't she see how terribly unkempt he'd gotten, how Annie's weight still rested against his forehead, his shoulders, his waist, how her comforts still wrapped around him even tighter over two damn years-- how it'd made him so incredibly unable to hold back his tears. Jesus, this wasn't holding on. This wasn't strength-- he felt awful and weak for so long. His hand tightened around his face and laughed in raw confusion at the notion. That was all he could do.
"You-- you barely know me," he heaved, his breath heavy; his sobbing wasn't calming any, but it was broken between intervals of disheveled, inarticulate laughter, "Please, please stop, don't-- don't say those things-- I can't take it anymore... I don't feel those things at all, I just-- this is stupid." He hunched over and buried his face behind his folded legs, and he pulled at his hair-- some part of him recognized this was incredibly stupid. Reckless. How many more times was Anita going to be around-- how many more times did he have to break down for her to hate him so irreversibly? For Duncan to blame him quietly for losing another friend?
"This isn't what I wanted at all..."
As his arms squeezed around his head even tighter, and his legs drew in closer to his chest, his head rested against his knees. "What do you want, then," he managed to wrangle out-- he could feel himself rocking, slightly. He could register that he was still crying. His grip around his hair tightened in an attempt to reign in his actions, but it didn't help.
"Do you want me to leave? Is that it?"
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:04 pm
He begged her to stop. Her hand pulled back. Her mouth clamped shut, she fell back to sit on her feet, but she didn't look away. Not this time. That didn't stop her from looking horribly defeated, though. What was she supposed to do? Comforting people was one of her weakest skills. All she really knew how to do was try and distract them from their problems and make them laugh. This couldn't be laughed away. She started it this time and now she didn't know how to fix it. If he even wanted it fixed. If he'd even let her try.
Shock plastered on her face at his questions. For several agonizing moments, Anita was completely speechless. She was the type of person who ran on instincts, on her gut, but she tried very heavily to rely on logical thought processes to explain those feelings. Nothing Mordekai was displaying registered on her logic scale.
”No,” she replied pathetically. Her voice wavered, his tears affecting her own composure. ”No, absolutely not...”
That was all well and good, but he already thought she hated him. He needed reasonable explanations. Evidence to the contrary. How was she supposed to prove that? All she had were words and they were so hard to find now. ”I just... I didn't want to add to your stress. I was trying really hard not to and I--” she scoffed, wiping her face, ”--well, I ********' did anyway.” Maybe the sarcastic tone there was unnecessary but it slipped out before she could catch it. ”I don't want anything from you, okay? I was just – just trying to make sure you were holding up...”
Breathe. Both of you, just ******** breathe.
Anita let out a controlled exhale, holding her hair down at the back of her neck with both hands while hanging her head. She was quick to look back up, though. To check on him.
”I know you're sorry. I know you didn't want to involve me or anyone in that. I -- I thought I was doing a good thing. Why's it hard for you to believe that I don't--” another scoff, god make them stop, ”--I don't hate you. I don't.” Even if she did, why would it matter? He barely knew her, too. ”...Why did you invite me?” Her voice cracked as she tried to hold back a sniffle.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:05 pm
Mordekai managed to pull his legs away from him and slowly, gradually, attempted to regain his composure. It wasn't simple, but it was made easier by the cold, and by his initial, slowly growing emptiness. By the time Anita began speaking, he managed to wrangle his hands free from his hair and moved onto covering his face with one again. He was still hunched over, the last of his tears streaming down from his eyes as he felt how terribly warm he was. God, stopping immediately as Anita began speaking-- how childish and pathetic did he look? He didn't find it in him to care. His body felt compressed and like s**t, and the more lightheaded he became, the more he pulled his hand away from his face to let the breeze settle in.
He was crying about Annie again. How pathetic. He wanted to die.
If one of the firecrackers were still available, he could light it and ram it inside of his throat. For now, though, he slowly listened to Anita's words. She was scoffing between her stifled sentences. He said nothing; his expression read like nothing. Once he finally pulled his hand away from his features, Mordekai stared at Anita with weariness; he was red, and his cheeks were slick with tears. His eyes felt burny and strained at the same time. It was difficult to breathe, and his voice sounded ragged and cracked.
Mordekai stared at Anita with dead blue eyes. She's crying. He didn't have the mental facilities to make her feel better, and he felt a whirl of disorientation hit him after his cry spell. Still, he hated seeing other people cry-- it was a trained response by now, more or less, to shut himself down when others seemed like they needed any help.
Why'd you invite me? Mordekai couldn't help but laugh, despite how bleary he felt. It was forced, but he didn't understand how else to react. This situation has gone to hell.
Why did he invite her?
"I thought I could talk to you 'bout this and smooth things over," his voice was cracked, and he responded in a numb tone, "Say I was sorry, then you could have a good time with everyone else. You know-- be happy." He managed to scoff, partially, "But I just made things worse again. Really got a knack for that, don't I?"
He maintained staring at Anita-- don't cry, don't cry, please. "Sorry. You came here for a good time, and this isn't it-- please chin up. You'll be okay." I can't take care of anyone right now. Don't cry, please.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:07 pm
Just like that, it seemed to stop. He was calming down. Or was he? It was difficult to tell. None of her tears spilled yet, Anita's eyes merely glossy, and she took care to swallow the lump in her throat as best she could while Mordekai explained. Her lips tugged and twitched, not sure whether they wanted to frown or smile. It probably didn't seem like it to him but this was progress. She could work with this.
”Okay,” she said calmly, running a hand through her bangs.
Anita adjusted her legs, sitting in a more comfortable pretzel position while facing him. She gave another soft sniffle, just an arbitrary accent to her breath now as her body prepared for tears that she wasn't allowing. ”Do you want to talk or do you just want to apologize? Because you've apologized a lot already.”
He looked so tired. It was so hard to see in the low light but his eyes looked impressively dim. Now it was her turn to force a laugh. ”I think I should apologize this time. I don't... really know how to talk to people. Not really, y'know?” She could make small talk, as much as she hated it. She could shoot the s**t. She could joke and fuss and be positive. Hell, she could have deep conversations. It was just... when it came to comfort, to sudden heaviness like this, she was completely at a loss. She was a goldfish in the ocean.
”You don't have to apologize about this anymore. I get it.” He honestly didn't have to apologize about this at all, as far as she was concerned. Her eyes searched his, scanning back and forth. There wasn't pity on her face but for some reason a smile cropped up, a pathetic looking one but a smile none the less. It didn't quite meet her eyes, which were overshadowed by upturned brows, but it did find its way to her voice which was low and calm again. ”If you want to talk – I'd like to.” She was just a stranger, really, but sometimes it was easier to unload to people who weren't involved rather than those who are closest.
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:08 pm
Mordekai managed to maintain a stable frown and rare flash of a smile when she spoke to him. He rubbed his eyes and laughed, halfheartedly, before slouching where he was.
"Okay," he relented-- he apologized a lot, it was true, and though he still didn't know if it was enough-- Anita's assurances aside-- he would let it slide for now. She seemed okay. That was what mattered. He stared at the dirt below them quietly and tried to assess what he wanted, though, only to find that he wasn't quite sure. Earlier, he wanted to talk about this; he would have begged and pleaded for someone to listened to him.
Still, the talking seemed to fill the silence, and his headache was keeping him equal parts drowsy and awake-- that was one good thing about the cold. He tried to brush some of his fussy bed of hair aside so it would stop tickling his nose and pricking his eyes, then offered an apathetic shrug to Anita. "It's nothing partic'larly special," he admit, "I din't have a hard life. I'm used to this by now. It just--" he deflated, "Acts up sometime."
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:08 pm
His response, while at first hopeful, made her more confused. This time she didn't allow it to frustrate her. She just furrowed her brows a little and nodded. So he wanted to talk about this, as he said, but now he was being dismissive of the subject matter. Anita's lips tightened. One of her hands moved back up to her face and she idly chewed on her thumb nail. Even if he wasn't looking at her, she was intent to look at him after that initial request.
”That's okay,” she nodded. It didn't have to be anything “special” as it were; that didn't mean it wasn't difficult for him or he shouldn't feel certain ways, though. Maybe that was why he kept apologizing; he felt as though he didn't have a right to be sad, to need time and space. To need help.
Unfortunately, Mordekai didn't really give her a lot to work with. His mention of not having a hard life made her thoughts wander back to Thanksgiving, particularly the dinner conversation with Johan. How Mordekai's brother thought something like death shouldn't affect him like this. Now the pieces were falling into position, but it wasn't her place to pry for information on that matter. ”I don't think it's really got to do with long standing hardships,” her voice fluttered slightly and she rested a palm against her cheek, ”Having a decent life doesn't make anyone less entitled to sadness.”
That's what this was, right? He was grieving? She adjusted quietly, some hair falling over her shoulder as she got more comfortable.
”Everyone deals with these things differently.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:09 pm
Sadness. The age-old diagnosis; while Anita definitely wasn't completely wrong, a part of Mordekai felt relieved that she didn't think he was some brand of insane. Mordekai gave Anita as soft and pleasant a smile as he could afford, though unfortunately, he couldn't find it in him to look directly at her-- only around her. At the surrounding trees. At the litter that was still displaced around the field. Up at the sky, to approximate what time it was-- it felt like they were here forever, but in reality, they were probably only here for half a cold, tiring hour.
"I know," he added-- it was in agreement to everything she'd said, though both his and her responses were vague. He rubbed the back of his head and looked off to the side to scoff. Everything that ran through his head sounded like another terrible attempt at self-pity, so he closed his mouth and tried to think of something better to say. He tried to smile again, then stood abruptly, patting down the back of his pants halfheartedly to rid of dirt.
"I know you're tryin' to talk to me for my own good, so thank you," he walked around the area to pick up more trash, then uprighted the cart he'd previously kicked over, "But let's focus on cleanin' up this mess. Don't want you to freeze to death out here listenin' to some deadbeat. I'll be okay, really. More'n okay-- I'm a not-gonna-go-jump-off-a-cliff-come-tomorrow-mornin' okay." he mustered more energy to offer Anita a more genuine-sounding chuckle, "In fact, I'll be great once I clean up the mess back home, too."
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