Jordan
Jordan Miller
Not going to ask if you're okay, but if you want a spar or a run or something, let me know.
Jun 12
i like running
AMERICA JONES
next time i see out out we can have a race
Jun 12
Jordan Miller
Okay. Take care of yourself, please.
Jun 12
AMERICA JONES
i will
Rep
William Hughes
Er. Really though man. Are you ok? You are acting really weird. Did you and shitstick really break up?
Jun 12
he got a blank look when i went to go do a thing he didnt want me to
when i came back he had all my things and some things id given him in a box
right by the door
i think i am okay though
this is the third time
maybe the last thats how things go right
AMERICA JONES
three times and over
Jun 12
Wow. I knew he was like big on control but like. Just putting your s**t out like that? That's ******** cold.
Maybe it'll be ok.
William Hughes
I don't think you are ok.
Jun 12
if im not i can fix me to be ok
AMERICA JONES
im a good fixer
Jun 12
William Hughes
You can't fix yourself. Its like trying to fix a roof from inside a house.
Jun 12
i bet i could do that too
AMERICA JONES
you just gotta be smart about it and try real hard until it works
Jun 12
William Hughes
I'd really ******** disagree man.
Leslie
public stuff is weird so
if i can like do anything
Leslie King Miller
let me know or whatever. i probably owe u sandwiches.
i know this is probably ******** up to ask with, everything
so you like dont have to answer
but how do you know if your in love i dont ask because i am but i ask because im uh, not
Leslie King Miller
that probably doesnt make much sense
Jul 7
from what i remember i decided he was worth it and some other things
at the time i thought
"the me with him is the best me"
AMERICA JONES
and stuff like
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
"i dont want to change him i like all the flaws that make him up"
Jul 7
and sometimes id think of tomorrows without him just to prepare myself and i wouldnt want to get out of bed
i dont know
its big
AMERICA JONES
the edges arent defined in a way i can understand
Jul 7
Leslie King Miller
that sounds ******** terrible
Jul 7
sorry
not you and him or it just the bigness
Leslie King Miller
doesnt it swallow you up?
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
yeah it did
Jul 7
damn.
i dont know if i like
can i guess
Leslie King Miller
i dont want to be glad and im not exactly but that sounds ******** terrifying
Jul 7
it gave me more than i can say right now but it took something too
i dont think i regret it but i wont do it again
AMERICA JONES
theres not enough of me
Jul 7
sorry
for that and for asking and s**t
its a d**k move i know i just, i dont really know anyone else
so thx i owe you. again
Leslie King Miller
i dont think i could because theres not enough of me either
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
its okay youre my friend
Jul 7
Leslie King Miller
it was gone a long time ago
Jul 7
Leslie King Miller
your mine too.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
maybe one day well find something that gives more than it takes away
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
even if its not love
Jul 7
Leslie King Miller
maybe
Jul 7
i would be happy for like at least closer to equal even if its just
Leslie King Miller
equal amounts of taking from each other
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
that sounds sadder
Jul 7
maybe its just realistic
i dont want to like, think i can have or be more than i am one day
because what about the me right now?
so if thats all i can have right now, maybe its fine
Leslie King Miller
and that way i dont want more and be mad and sad and worse about what i cant have in the future
Jul 7
just seems like you could both sorta
AMERICA JONES
hollow each other out
Jul 7
i think whatevers left in me where love used to be
goes on forever
Leslie King Miller
theres just darkness and taking that from someone is all that makes me feel like a human being
Jul 7
theres other things for people
besides love
AMERICA JONES
theyre important too
Jul 7
i hope so
Leslie King Miller
that its important i mean
Mimsy
Are you all right?
Dr. Mimsy Morris
Are you in need of anything?
Jun 13
im fine
or i will be
AMERICA JONES
im still figuring things out
Jun 13
I understand. I will not presume that I can fathom the difficulty of this, or of the period of transition with which you are faced.
Dr. Mimsy Morris
If I am ever able to aid you in any way, please do not hesitate to say so.
Jun 13
AMERICA JONES
i will mimsy thank you for being such a good mimsy person
Taym
AMERICA JONES
HAPPY FATHERS DAY biggrin
Maebe
Maebe Grace Bertrand
America? May Maebe speak with you? Are you available?
Jun 17
AMERICA JONES
does miss maebe want me to visit her
Jun 18
I wish I could have been there for you. What a shitty time for me to go blind.
Maebe Grace Bertrand
Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?
Jun 21
AMERICA JONES
maybe we can go on leave and get my hair did
Jun 21
Maebe Grace Bertrand
I need hair leave. They shaved off some of mine. I need to get this mess fixed.
Jun 21
AMERICA JONES
biggrin i want to go a little wild i havent in forever
Jun 21
Maebe Grace Bertrand
Girl you have no idea how badly I need to go wild. Let's do it. We'll make a day of it. Real pampering like.
Jun 21
Melvin
Horace acted rashly. I know but he isn't acting himself.
Melvin Wood
is there any way you two can talk about this?
Jun 25
AMERICA JONES
what is there to talk about
Jun 25
Melvin Wood
For this to be resolved without anyone suffering a concussion. You two have issues
Jun 25
And they aren't getting better
Melvin Wood
He is getting worse and I worry for him
Jun 25
well of course hes getting worse
when he first came here he was decent and gullible and was taken advantage of and now hes chosen to keep being taken advantage of
that sort of thing ******** a person up
AMERICA JONES
like everyday hes waking up and deciding to keep with the one as hurts him most
Jun 25
Melvin Wood
Who are you talking about? Your ex?
Jun 25
lawrence weiman
jan
AMERICA JONES
im sure he has other names he gives people
Jun 25
What? How do you even know?
Was Jan abusive to you to say this?
Melvin Wood
Because if that's so, why did you come to Jan before? Horace told me you came to their room. For hating him you don't seem like you do.
Jun 26
he made sense but yes i hate him
i dont love him
i dont compromise myself for him
AMERICA JONES
i can play with him without getting hurt like horace
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
So you still like him and enjoy him? So he isn't that dangerous.
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
he isnt dangerous to me
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
And you do realize Horace and Jan are dating and why he is upset?
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Ok I wasn't sure the nature of you past relationship just that you wrote a lot on Twitter about jan in the worst way.
Jun 26
he did try to kill me in my sleep afterward the other night
but I'm much stronger
yes people ignored it
they always ignore the hometown monsters
horace is upset because he knew asking jan not to cheat with me was pointless
AMERICA JONES
he asked me instead of his so called boyfriend
Jun 26
lawrence knew id just hurt his boy when he came by after
AMERICA JONES
he didnt leave to go check on horace and make sure he was okay
Jun 26
He is upset he has a relationship and you don't seem to respect it.
You seem to want to start fights to a person who is dealing with a lot of issues. It's not a big accomplishment if that is what you want.
Do you want to date Jan again?
Melvin Wood
Or just sex?
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
And why did you break up with him in the first place? Weren't you also dating someone else?
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
oh honey we were never together
Jun 26
So you just messed around and want to mess around again?
Melvin Wood
Even if that means you're trying to wreck a relationship?
Jun 26
but just like horace you seem a lot more angry at me for finally allowing lawrence close
than the man "in a relationship" who cheated
AMERICA JONES
horace doesnt matter all that much to me
Jun 26
it wasnt about horace
until he decided to make things about him
horace has only ever been shitty to me
and then i got shitty back
AMERICA JONES
but i never wished him ill until he forced the issue
Jun 26
I know he has been acting poorly and I'm working on him to see that violence is not the answer
He should have never went into your home and started a fight or stole anything
Was the lamp important?
I'm upset you are not being the woman I thought you were and trying to screw up a relationship
When you don't seem to want a relationship but a ******** buddy
But I also don't want everyone killing each other either
Melvin Wood
I'm trying to figure both sides out
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Horace is my friend but he is rash and I want to get your side too
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
you arent getting it
Jun 26
the relationship youre getting upset over is the worst thing in horaces life
its gonna hurt and likely kill him with or without me
AMERICA JONES
im not the problem in that relationship
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Says the person who wants to ******** the man he is with. You can understand why I'm a bit hesitant to fully believe you.
Jun 26
im just the easier target for folks who want to ignore what lawrence is
AMERICA JONES
did i force lawrence to ******** me
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
nope
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I'm not making you a target.
Jun 26
he once tried that with me by the by
but this was just an offer
which he took without hesitating
AMERICA JONES
arent you
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I am not here to resolve all the issues jan and Horace are working though. I just want to know what your intent is and if you are competing
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
arent you blaming me for their relationship issues
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
For Jan's attention
Jun 26
i dont have to compete hun
AMERICA JONES
im his obsession
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
And you want to be his obsession? You like that?
Jun 26
no melvin
but its there
always
AMERICA JONES
i was just picking up the toy always at hand
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Then why did you go to his room and offer to have sex if you didn't want that attention ?
Jun 26
he was already giving me attention he likes to message me even if he's finally cooled off on the stalking
i just wanted to talk with him in person
AMERICA JONES
he could have visited without the sex
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
but of course he didnt
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Oh, so you want to play without wanting a relationship and knowing it would hurt a current one
Jun 26
I just was wondering if Horace had any grounds to worry that you were actually there to steal jan
Melvin Wood
And it seems yes
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
you arent listening
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I see - I suppose jan doesn't get relationships either
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
there is no relationship to salvage
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
How often does he even come for Sex with you
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
there is no relationship to protect
Jun 26
I believe there is America. A flawed one but it's there
No relationships here are perfect
Melvin Wood
And I think it's easier for you to think there isn't one
Jun 26
if youre horaces friend and youre trying to keep him with the person that maimed him mistreats him cheats on him and isnt capable of loving
him and is obsessed with someone else
like im probably looking out for horace more than you
AMERICA JONES
which is ******** up
Jun 26
He hurt him once over you. Hunters hurt each other all the time
I've seen hunters hurt their best friends
I'm trying to keep Horace alive and safe
Melvin Wood
Even from himself
Jun 26
I'm not an expect ok.
Melvin Wood
Expert
Jun 26
but you like him with lawrence
AMERICA JONES
you dont even blame lawrence for cheating just me for offering
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I do because Horace wants to love jan and would do anything for him. And Jan seems to feel the same
Jun 26
the first is probably true
AMERICA JONES
the second means you dont know "jan"
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
you are the expert then? The person who refers to him as a toy.
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
yeah i am the expert
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Lol ok
Jun 26
ive been inside his head
AMERICA JONES
ive seen his visions
Jun 26
I think anyone who says a person is a toy doesn't value the person all that much to see them as a human being
Melvin Wood
Visions?
Jun 26
ive seen his past and the futures he wants and fears
as close as he can to feel fear that is
i dont value him at all
AMERICA JONES
hes an empty doll incapable of emotions who replaced them with avarice
Jun 26
Then you don't care about his welfare or that or Horace then if you don't value them.
Melvin Wood
Also I could never step in and tell two people to stop loving each other
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
No matter what I wanted
Jun 26
there is nothing in jan to care sbout
AMERICA JONES
im sorry hes conned you into believing otherwise
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I'm sorry you feel I'm being conned. I also am disappointed you seem to like toying with people.
Jun 26
you are probably really kind and trusting and you were missing something and were vulnerable
and he offered to fill that for you
AMERICA JONES
just like he did those old ladies
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
That matter aside, will you be prodding Horace more? Will that be a concern now
Jun 26
who just wanted to talk to their cats
im not making promises
im honest
AMERICA JONES
so i wont lie about it just to reassure you
Jun 26
Then I'll say that if you hurt them I'll be there to protect them
Melvin Wood
And no I'm not lying either
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
how will you do that melvin
Jun 26
As best I can. If you two want to fight, take it to the training fields. If you come to him wanting to hurt him outside of there
Then I'll be there to back them up and intervene
For you, they are toys
Melvin Wood
For me, they are treasures
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
god hun
Jun 26
hes gonna wreck you
i will probably hurt horace very badly if i see him
he should stay away
AMERICA JONES
lawrence is welcome to visit
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I will tell him to avoid you
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
and he will
Jun 26
And jan as well
I don't suppose a appology would fix anything
Melvin Wood
Apology
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
i dont think it would be sincere
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I still think it would be worth a shot.
Jun 26
i think honesty is important melvin
AMERICA JONES
if i get an insincere apology i will get angry again
Jun 26
Well since that will start a fight - how about a honest talk on the training field?
Melvin Wood
To keep it safe and no one in the infirmary
Jun 26
when i met horace for the person i had honest talk with him on the training fields
he called me a liar
neither of you care for what i say
AMERICA JONES
you will continue to ignore it
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
He doesn't want you taking the person most important to him. I'd be the same way if someone took Rin.
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
horace knows
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I suppose I don't get what that is. Can you tell me?
Jun 26
you wont listen to the fact that lawrence is a bad person
that he hurts people because he can because he cant feel
there is no sympathy in him
there is no love
he has done bad things and will continue to do them
and he will make excuses and blame others
AMERICA JONES
most especially the victims
Jun 26
That's no ignoring your words, America. I just haven't seen that myself.
Melvin Wood
Not
Jun 26
would you like to feel the scar on my chest
AMERICA JONES
would you like to see the pet he maimed
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Did he give you a scar? When did this happen?
Jun 26
would you like to see tayms mission report
would you like to see the messages he sends me
last year
after breaking my shield he dragged me off the field to carve a symbol into my chest
its in the medical records
AMERICA JONES
the spar is on video
Jun 26
horace waited months to see if it was true
AMERICA JONES
i wonder how long youll take
Jun 26
Not long. I go to the infirmary often enough.
Melvin Wood
And yet you say a man who badly hurt you is still a man you see as a toy. Did you just push him too far?
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
no melvin
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
So he did it for no reason
Jun 26
horace throwing my shoes out is pushing him
i just exist
but i see him for what he is
AMERICA JONES
so he cant hurt me the way he does horace
Jun 26
Hmm. I still find your desire to interact with Jan confusing after what you say
But he maimed you like him
Melvin Wood
Maybe you should avoid jan too
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
he recently became interesting to me
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Then I have to question all that you say. Telling me to avoid him when you don't want to
Jun 26
when he found out taym and i broke up he messaged me talking about people and relationships
so i like talking with him now
but he remains what he is
AMERICA JONES
do you trust him melvin
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Hmm then I guess we will all take our risks
Jun 26
do you care about him
do you give him your vulnerabilities
does he gain from you
AMERICA JONES
physically or financially
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Would you harm me if I said yes? And what do you care one way or another?
Jun 26
if any of those are yes
then you should avoid him
but you probably wont
because when they apply it means its too late already
i wont harm you
im not possessive
AMERICA JONES
but he will
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
I see. And what if anyone held an interest to you? Do you like that attention - especially now that you are single?
Jun 26
i shouldnt care
its just galling
when i see him get away with it
i dont need attention
AMERICA JONES
but i get it
Jun 26
Melvin Wood
Ok then. I suppose any interest would be unwanted. You seem to have a type.
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
were you just thinking about setting me up with someone hun
Lawrence
Jan
Did you run? I so hoped you were better than running. You had so many dreams.
Jun 11
I always thought the jogging you did was a way to remind yourself you could still run while not running /away/.
Jan
Yet here we are.
Jun 11
You know the thing that bothered Horace the most was the lamp? That such a trivial thing, a trivial statement should hold so much pain.
Jan
I repaired it. You see the thing about a broken object, it can always be built back up, reforged, recreated. Improved.
Jun 11
well horace is a pretty trivial fellow
AMERICA JONES
putting all the importance into empty things
Jun 11
You say that like there aren't hundreds, thousands of people who invest in empty things every day of their lives.
Jan
Empty hopes of a better future, of improvement, of hope of love that will last. I am real, no matter what you say, I am real.
Jun 11
yeah theres bunches
maybe you are real and maybe if you didnt lack certain things youd appreciate them more
AMERICA JONES
than the billions of others
Jun 11
I lack nothing.
Jan
I need nothing.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
you and i both know that isnt true
Jun 11
Jan
Oh? Pray do tell me what it is that I need.
Jun 11
your a thing that lacks direction so you pick stupid ones that would feel right if you could feel and then when you get what you want youre
left with all sorts of nothing
AMERICA JONES
you dont grow or gain anything except maybe some money off some lonely old cat lady
Jun 11
That simply sounds like you have distilled every human being's motivation for anything. They tell themselves they have grown to soothe -
- the ache of the nothing they are left with. Because to them it truly is an ache.
Jan
I gain knowledge, I gain understanding and I improve. I am not what I once was and I will not be what I am today in the end.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
but what do you want to be hun lay it on out for me
Jun 11
Jan
Nothing short of perfect of course. You know my relentless standards. I will be this creature that I am with the full comprehension of -
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
define perfect
Jun 11
- the ilk of creature that you are.
Jan
Perfect is emotional with complete mastery over those emotions. Perfect is immortal. Perfect is god-like. Perfect is absolute manipulation.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
and what do you do with all that
Jun 11
Jan
There will come a day when you can tell them all, a hundred times what I am and they will hear only me.
Jun 11
so you want like
friends n such who believe you and what you say
are you lonely lawrence
AMERICA JONES
you sound kinda lonely
Jun 11
I am the furthest thing from lonely, I assure you. Lonely implies a need for comfort, for others of a kin. There is nothing like me.
Jan
And I exult in that fact, I do not lament it.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
but you still want people near you
Jun 11
Jan
It is an idle whim, the inclination to comprehend the futility and illogical nature of humans. A passing fancy.
Jun 11
want them seeing the other yous
AMERICA JONES
want them to like you and touch you
Jun 11
Oh it is helpful to have people close by, certainly. One's body has certain needs and a supplier makes things simpler.
Jan
The masks are simply masks. Their wants, their desires are approximations of what it takes to forge trust.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
you want lawrence
Jun 11
Jan
Flawed approximations, I will admit without qualm, but progress is not made without the occaisional mis-step.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
youre a well of want and need with no bottom or direction or purpose
Jun 11
Perhaps I was something of that sort once.
Jan
I am something else now. I learn and I change, I move and I perfect myself. I have direction, I have purpose.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
and what are you now what are you now that you wont be at the end
Jun 11
At present?
Jan
Potential.
Jun 11
Jan
There are many things I still do not entirely understand.
Jun 11
But there are irrefutable facts. One of those facts is that I am perfect. Another is that motion and learning are refinements of that.
I am not flawed. There is nothing more important, more significant than me. Everything else is echoes. You are an echo.
You are rage. Rage and hope and fire. Rage that resents itself and builds its own shackles. You are a wasted symphony played for the deaf.
Jan
But I can read you.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
potential is always perfect lawrence
Jun 11
Jan
It only remains perfect if it is used well, if it is directed onwards. Potential wasted is nothing at all.
Jun 11
There was a time once when I stopped. I thought mistakenly that I was complete, that that was all. And I stopped.
But I of course back then was young, I was wrong. I aged. I rotted and festered away. That was not stopping. It was not complete.
Jan
I am not complete. Not until I understand.
Jun 11
oh honey
you seem real young for such an old fellow
AMERICA JONES
you can take that as a compliment probably
Jun 11
I do not fear death, but there truly is only so much time to understand all that there is to know. And it is short.
I will either be perfect, or I will be wasted potential. I do not feel strongly either way about either outcome.
Jan
If I have a purpose, it is to be one of those endings. One of those cessations.
Jun 11
that sounds sad
AMERICA JONES
since you cant be sad ill be sad for you
Jun 11
Does it? It does not make me sad.
Jan
Certainly, feel free. You feel so very much. I do prefer anger and fear, they are so radiant to look on in you.
Jun 11
i think so too
AMERICA JONES
im extra pretty today if i do say so myself
Jun 11
That would be subject to interpretation. Is this the kind of pretty seen through the eyes of your suitor or the brighter, more vivid sort.
To me it has seemed like what light you possessed has dimmed. You let this island defeat you.
But I have not seen you since I was podded, only traced the dying trail of your words on this limited platform.
Jan
Perhaps it is simply the fallacy of memory which has dimmed that fire.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
my eyes are really great today did you know my eyes are like all these colors
Jun 11
Jan
Yes.
Jun 11
Memory may have dimmed the brightness of your impression but it has dimmed none of the beauty, none of the smells and sights.
Jan
And yet you are nowhere to be found.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
my hairs all soft too
Jun 11
Jan
I still have some of your hair you know. From the jungle. I do find myself how long it is now, how changed.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
did you make it into a little ring for the hand you dont have
Jun 11
Jan
Oh yes I am missing a hand aren't I? Well observed.
Jun 11
It was a learning experience removing it you know. The human body is so resistant to amputation, so many tendons.
Synovial fluid has a /smell/. I learned something that day. All while leveraging my continued survival.
Jan
Sometimes I impress even myself.
Jun 11
guess you could say your vet skills came in
handy
AMERICA JONES
that was a little joke
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
i laughed in case you couldnt
Jun 11
Oh yes, they did. And I could not. Was it a pun?
I admittedly fail to comprehend the humour in puns rather often.
Jan
Unfortunate when one has one hand.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
lotta lost chances there
Jun 11
I tend to steer away from humour missy. It is one of the more difficult emotional triggers and there is only so far one can get.
By claiming not to be a native speaker.
Jan
Though I did truly laugh at your response to the minipet. I do not quite comprehend why. It was not a pun.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
it was probably a villainy laugh like the sort you twirl a mustache too
Jun 11
Jan
That would be wonderfully evocative imagery, but I do not think it was entirely that sort of laugh.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
just cause you dont have a mustache on your face doesnt mean there isnt one in your heart lawrence
Jun 11
Jan
Hair would clog the pulmonary valves. It would probably be fatal. I am fairly sure I have no mustaches anywhere.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
knock knock
Jun 11
Jan
Oh yes this one I do know. Who is there?
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
i must
Jun 11
Jan
I must who?
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
i mustache you a question
Jun 11
Oh a joke with a pun at the end! A compound joke.
Jan
Very elaborate, well done, I am impressed with your prowess missy.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
see you get it you should do a laugh now because it was funny
Jun 11
Jan
The others would laugh, it is a chore for me.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
awww but youre gonna get rusty and crusty thinkin like that
Jun 11
Jan
Jan would laugh at how terrible it was I think. It followed the conventional pattern of cringe-jokes. That would be appropriate.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
dont want those laugh muscles seizing up
Jun 11
If I have not gotten rusty thinking this way for forty one years, I will not get rusty now missy.
Jan
Animals do not laugh and they succeed admirably in their respective tasks.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
but thats boring
Jun 11
Boring is a complex concept. Ennui by definition is all pervasive yet non existent in my life. Literature fails to pin it down in a real way
Jan
Most people seem to find fear and pain an alternative to boredom. There are adverse results from me being interesting.
Jun 11
thats a really boring was to think of boring you managed to make it even more boring this is why your idea of perfect kinda sucks cause
it doesnt sound like youll have fun at all
AMERICA JONES
youll just exist
Jun 11
Jan
No, I would. I would fully comprehend both the concepts of boredom and fun and therefore employ them to maximum effect.
Jun 11
breaking down the idea of fun into a like understanding it and such is like anti fun
AMERICA JONES
it is trying too hard old people and hella nerd attempts at fun
Jun 11
Jan
That is a contradictory concept. How can one understand without understanding?
Jun 11
because its fun
AMERICA JONES
duh
Jun 11
Jan
Oh I see fun is another inherently understood concept within you so it is impossible for you to analyse it.
Jun 11
Jan
And it is in your nature to belittle and disdain that which you personally have no use for.
Jun 11
im sure you got uses hun
AMERICA JONES
maybe one day youll even be useful to me ;D
Jun 11
Jan
Oh that is a certainty, when you ultimately come around.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
tick tick tick honey
Jun 11
Jan
There will be ways to get more time.
Jun 11
AMERICA JONES
but will you have enough time to get more time
Jun 11
That is not a question I can answer.
Jan
Inevitability will answer it in its own time.
Jun 11
Jan
I hope you are felling free today. Have you run back to him yet?
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
to who
Jun 16
Jan
Taym of course. You are behaving in a most unusual manner. I have experienced the reactions to several break ups.
Jun 16
oh
i have a lotta trouble grasping how i feel with it
its too big and i dont have any experience with it
i dont think ill be running back though
AMERICA JONES
i think id have to hate myself a lot to do that
Jun 16
Strange. Most people /do/ seem to run back regardless of how they feel about themselves, they naturally excuse the "mistakes" of their SO.
Jan
You are the first I have ever seen who appears to respond with no emotion at all. Can emotions be too large?
Jun 16
ive excused a lot of mistakes but a person can take only so much
AMERICA JONES
theres emotions but i dont know what to do with them the pictures too big
Jun 16
Jan
Can they? Some people seem to be able to take a theoretically infinite amount.
Jun 16
thats cause they hate themselves
AMERICA JONES
like horace
Jun 16
Perhaps. I cannot speak on his behalf. It does seem very strange that it could be too large, that sounds like avoidance.
Jan
Which is rather cowardly for someone like you, given what I have witnessed from you in the past.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
im not ignoring it but each time i dig my fingers into the gap i just end up lost
Jun 16
Jan
The gap. That sounds like perhaps you had begun to define part of yourself either by him or by the proximity and relationship.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
i did
Jun 16
Jan
You were so sure of yourself missy, so certain and stable and whole. And now there is a gap. Unlike others you do not seem to be trying.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
trying to do what
Jun 16
Jan
To fill it. Many do. Instead you are simply bewildered by it. That is unusual.
Jun 16
i dont know if i even want to fill it
AMERICA JONES
might be better off just cutting that part off
Jun 16
Jan
Is that possible?
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
i think so
Jun 16
You truly are a remarkable individual missy. I have yet to find anyone who was not chained or bound by those threads of attachment.
Jan
And I admit my curiosity at what you would be with some significant part of you excised. Would it dim your fire I wonder?
Jun 16
maybe itll spread
AMERICA JONES
maybe ill take a buncha people with me
Jun 16
Jan
You certainly have the confidence of many gullible people.
Jun 16
Jan
Why would you take them with you?
Jun 16
cause im better at breaking things than fixing them
i tried for a long time
to be different
AMERICA JONES
but im not
Jun 16
Jan
You are certainly exceedingly talented at destruction, it was what always most appealed about you, that seething anger.
Jun 16
Jan
Tied up in that charm was also your refusal to permit that destructive nature true freedom. Are you giving up? Did you lose?
Jun 16
fixing things?
maybe
or maybe i was just going about it wrong
AMERICA JONES
maybe things have to be burnt down before anything good can grow
Jun 16
That has generally been traditional wisdom in many areas. With humans however I think you will find even if you eradicate them.
Whatever returns is as prone to being twisted as that which went before.
I will admit I find the concept of truly fixing anything which is innately imperfect ludicrous to begin with.
Jan
Even the lamp is a joke of sorts.
Jun 16
gotta say i laughed when i found out you still had it
AMERICA JONES
for a notperson you sure are sentimental
Jun 16
I would not say it was sentiment in the same way as others might define it. I kept it initially to try to understand the metaphor.
Jan
And repaired it because it was untidy. And then it upset Horace so which simply raised further questions.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
i laughed at that too
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
your boy so jelly
Jun 16
He is incredibly jealous of you. He seems to think I love you or some approximation thereof.
Jan
Any time that I speak to you he sends me messages demanding why I bother, trying to bring me to heel.
Jun 16
i tried to tell him you cant feel love only act on obsession n such
but he got pissy
some people love lies best
AMERICA JONES
hes maybe a little meant for someone like you
Jun 16
The backfire effect is a wonderful, wonderful thing.
All he needed was a little softness, a few little untruths and you might well have had him.
But you are so unyeilding, so definite and outspoken, pride rankles in the face of it.
Jan
I suppose you are correct, you do destroy so easily.
Jun 16
ha ha ha i am
poor boys like that
AMERICA JONES
maybe hes better off with soft lies
Jun 16
Jan
I always wondered how Taym endured it, he always seemed so controlled, so proud, so afraid. There had to be compromise.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
youll kill him in the end or hell do it himself but maybe hell be happy until then
Jun 16
Jan
I am curious who bowed.
Jun 16
we both did
AMERICA JONES
until the end i guess
Jun 16
Jan
Perhaps, I do not know the future. He is happy for now, he smiles, he has nightmares, he does not speak of what is gone.
Jun 16
Jan
I fix people too. I fixed him and I fixed Melvin.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
i think you put a bandage on them just dangle them over a cliff for a bit longer
Jun 16
Jan
Oh you wound me missy, I do not set out to kill people or end them. I am not so final as a cliff.
Jun 16
cliffs are only final if they dont know how to fall
AMERICA JONES
they dont even see it eyes shut so tight
Jun 16
Jan
You did not die. If you had not run I do not know which of us would have.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
guess youll just have to wait and see
Jun 16
Jan
Waiting is too close to stopping.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
guess its hard when youre winding down
Jun 16
Jan
I never did see your little love nest. Have you destroyed that yet or is it simply part of the gap?
Jun 16
tick tick tick
i dont know
its okay
but i feel like it betrayed me
AMERICA JONES
i was stupid
Jun 16
You built a cage for your dreams and lived in it, if anything made me laugh, that was one of those things.
You gave yourself something to lose. But you learned. Most never do.
Jan
And am not winding down, I am simply limited somewhat by the inconveniences presented by being murdered.
Jun 16
bad men dont get murdered hun
AMERICA JONES
they get executed
Jun 16
The concepts are one and the same, the only difference is the perspective of the one directing the firing line.
Jan
I did not think you would buy those lies people tell themselves to justify when their actions shadow those they call monsters.
Jun 16
i dont
dead is dead
i killed folks you know
AMERICA JONES
im as much a murderer as anyone
Jun 16
I completely discount labels like murderer, one carries nothing away from a death, I remain entirely the same as I was before.
If not even so much as a cell changes, why should one be marked with a residue which is entirely imaginary.
And regardless, I sincerely doubt you murdered in your right mind, I bet there were so many softening excuses.
Jan
And so many so eager to call it a mistake, an excecution, to waive it away because of who you are.
Jun 16
yeah
even you just now
AMERICA JONES
doubting i was in my right mind
Jun 16
That was the point in that statement. I should have put it in quotation marks. It would have been said in the tone of other people's voice.
Jan
If I did the same people would assume the opposite, even if I was not in whatever state of mind is normal for me.
Jun 16
AMERICA JONES
its cause youre not cute and kind of an a*****e even when you arent all psycho hun
Jun 16
Jan
I see. Unfortunate.
Jun 17
Jan
You seem very alone right now.
Jun 25
Jan
And I did keep the shoes but it was simply tedious to inform Horace that that was the case. He seems happier not knowing.
Jun 25
AMERICA JONES
hed probably try to steal them too
Jun 25
AMERICA JONES
got you a new lamp
Jun 25
He would, he'd make me destroy them to prove how I am no longer hung up on you.
Jan
Oh excellent, and here I was just going to go to the quartermaster, I should get you something in return.
Jun 25
come talk to me
i want to know more
AMERICA JONES
about your void
Jun 26
Jan
When and where?
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
the cave
Jun 26
Jan
All right.
Jun 26
AMERICA JONES
im going to stay in your room
4h 4 hours ago
You are entirely welcome to missy.
Jan
There is a certain tension between Horace and myself at present anyway.
4h 4 hours ago
AMERICA JONES
youre going to hold my hand real tight
4h 4 hours ago
Going to take up my whole good hand are you?
Jan
You already took the other one.
4h 4 hours ago
AMERICA JONES
yes smile
4h 4 hours ago
I look forward to it.
Jan
Or would. If I could.
4h 4 hours ago
AMERICA JONES
i know
----
horace says theres orders concerning me
AMERICA JONES
care to tell me what they are
Jul 1
Oh did he. Evidently he really does not value my hide. Pity. Since clearly the idiot's out of the bag I might as well.
Anyone with knowledge of you of which I as far as I am aware is about four people, all of whom bar me are morons was instructed
to say nothing about it to anyone or to you. That is all. I was threatened with... a cruel and unusual punishment.
But I suppose that is an inevitability at this juncture thanks to Horace. For what it is worth I saw no reason to treat you differently.
Wether you were fear based or not. You are still America.
Jan
Just with the ability to cause me significant pain in my netherregions. Something you might consider an advantage.
Jul 1
Jan
It was what she was into. You'd be surprised how well she responded to being demeaned in the past.
Jul 1
i dont think that came from a good place inside her
i cant feel love e fir her but theres other things
AMERICA JONES
i dont like her to be hurting
Jul 1
Jan
Ok. If that is what you think is correct.
Jul 1
Jan
Being born is rather over-rated.
Jul 4
Jan
What an appropriate Ariel you would be.
Jul 15
AMERICA JONES
i guess im probably the ursula too but that just means winning from both sides right
Jul 15
Jan
Nothing wrong with playing many roles.
Jul 15
Horace
Maybe they will keep you for testing when the real America comes back.
Jul 1
would it make you feel better
would you be able to go back to pretend he could love and be other than what he is
AMERICA JONES
hed just visit both me and her you know
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
i think hed try to sit in if they cut me apart
Jul 1
I know.
Horace
But I thought it was nicer than wishing you dead.
Jul 1
you would think drawn out torture was kinder than ending it
id rather live though
the world is more than one man or two
AMERICA JONES
the world is more than an island
Jul 1
youre very young horace
AMERICA JONES
im only a few weeks old but youre so young
Jul 1
Horace
Even if you're only a copy, you still think your world view is the only one that matters.
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
why would i try to build myself around someone elses worldviews
Jul 1
Horace
But you try to force others to accept yours.
Jul 1
what are you talking about
AMERICA JONES
when have i ever forced someone to do anything
Jul 1
ive never forced anything on you horace except a truth you chose to ignore
i dont make reality
i didnt make him what he is or make you get fixed on him
AMERICA JONES
i didnt even make you walk out that door
Jul 1
I said you try. If anyone ever disagrees with you they're wrong, or sick in the head, or stupid
Horace
Or whatever label you feel like spewing out.
Jul 1
Though I guess that applies to previous America most.
I can't keep calling you America, obviously. Could call you Rica?
Horace
Clone seems harsh.
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
just call me america dont get into bad habits
Jul 1
well i do tend to be right
just sayin
but ive been proven wrong before
just not by you hun
but if you do prove me wrong about something ill accept it of course
AMERICA JONES
facts are facts after all
Jul 1
Horace
Your arrogance is the same at least. It's uncanny. And I'm not gonna call you by a name that's not yours.
Jul 1
thats his word for me haha
i dont know what you consider arrogance to be here
AMERICA JONES
because im confident? i got plenty of reason to be
Jul 1
because i dont like praise you for doing stupid s**t and having bad opinions?
AMERICA JONES
you got plenty of folks wholl do that for you
Jul 1
call me whatever you like if you gotta i guess
AMERICA JONES
youve already shown you cant be discrete or anything
Jul 1
Horace
mhmm becausse discretion is measured by telling one person whom I thought might be in danger - before I received orders to keep mum.
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
yeah it kinda is
Jul 1
specially since you just
AMERICA JONES
told me you have orders about me
Jul 1
orders from Jan
Horace
you saw how ******** pissed he was about even Dawson
Jul 1
Horace
Look, I don't ******** like you - if I didn't respect him, i'd have told all America's friends, and all the leads
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
i see
Jul 1
Horace
Tell me, though, are you happy?
Jul 1
dawson told me happiness and safety are as good as other things
i guess if hes known all along hes really meant it
that he thinks im a person too
that makes me happy
and lawrence will listen and talk about the empty spaces in himself and that makes me happy too
AMERICA JONES
i like food and my body and everything physical those things make me happy too
Jul 1
Horace
People lie.
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
are you happy horace
Jul 1
Horace
I was
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
you think dawson has been lying to me?
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
what made you happy horace
Jul 1
Horace
I have no idea whether he has or not. he's kind, probably too kind.
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
mentioned orders to lawrence and he told me the rest
Jul 1
Horace
i could see him believing you're a real person, even if you aren't.
Jul 1
youre right
AMERICA JONES
people do lie
Jul 1
Horace
the rest of what - that he doesn't trust me anymore, that when I suggest telling someone, anyone else, he said no?
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
the orders you both recieved
Jul 1
Horace
I don't know if someone told him to keep quiet - i only know what he told me
Jul 1
Horace
why're you even here
Jul 1
AMERICA JONES
haha like id tell
Jul 1
Horace
aw boo, stingy
Jul 1
Horace
Does it actually count if you're only a few weeks old?
Jul 4
AMERICA JONES
no
Jul 4
Horace
Celebrate your own birthday then, if you make it that far.
Jul 4
i will
AMERICA JONES
in the meantime i can at least be polite to well meaning folks
Jul 4
Fair enough. You're a very good facsimile.
Horace
Not quite good enough, but it seems something she'd do.
Jul 4
AMERICA JONES
well youd know
Jul 4
Horace
On a superficial level, sure.
Jul 4
Horace
Still a c**t, I see.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
should i be anything else with you
Jul 7
Horace
Is this I referring to you or to the America conglomerate as a whole?
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
either
Jul 7
Horace
You started everything and you know it.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
everything huh
Jul 7
The real America had started to stay away, left me alone and that was fine.
Horace
You're an entirely different story.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
she still felt responsible for you and didnt want you to repeat the same s**t over again
Jul 7
Horace
But she left me alone. I didn't for her misguided sense of responsibility.
Jul 7
she knew you would though
AMERICA JONES
and didnt want to watch
Jul 7
My decisions, my second chances to give.
Horace
That's fine, I enjoyed not having her breathe down my neck.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
she cared enough not to want to watch your pathetic train wreck but i dont care about you at all
Jul 7
but you dont get that do you
AMERICA JONES
i wanted to spend time with lawrence and experience things
Jul 7
Horace
You're vindictive, on some level, for all your protestations of not giving a s**t.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
why would you ever matter when it comes to me and him
Jul 7
Horace
I don't understand what he sees in you. Is it the differnce that fascinates or does he just not see it at all?
Jul 7
probably coulda been anybody
AMERICA JONES
its like you dont understand hes a sociopath who cant feel emotions
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
it used to be money
Jul 7
Horace
What could been anybody?
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
that he fixed on
Jul 7
Horace
Do you feel lucky or something?
Jul 7
youre so pathetic and ******** up horace
no
i dont think im lucky
AMERICA JONES
i think maybe you and him are a lot alike
Jul 7
Horace
Then why do you care about spending time with him? Why would you subject yourself to something the real America had hated?
Jul 7
cause it seems it could have been just about anybody else you coulda fixed on
AMERICA JONES
the way you act like hes not a sociopath who cant feel
Jul 7
Why would it have been anyone else? He's special.
I love him, all the pieces of him I've seen, even the ones that hurt.
Horace
And god, it ******** hurts, but you'll just mock me for that, I know.
Jul 7
and never think "well maybe the problem is that hes a sociopath who cant feel and thats probably a bad sign for a lasting relationship"
then love the pieces that obsess over everything that isnt you
AMERICA JONES
love the part that wont love you back
Jul 7
Horace
Do you think he doesn't deserve love?
Jul 7
love the part that will ******** whoever he feels like because he can
AMERICA JONES
i dont believe in deserving but i do think you should probably adjust your ******** expectations
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
of someone who cant love you back
Jul 7
Horace
It isn't wrong to expect certain things, even if I can't expect love.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
dont expect faithfulness from him because he wont even if im not around
Jul 7
Horace
I want it, but I don't deserve love.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
dont expect honesty from him words are just levers and buttons to get what he wants
Jul 7
Horace
I don't think I will even understand why he fixates on you so.
Jul 7
save the "i dont deserve love" bullshit for you ******** blog its just an excuse not to try for better
and i already explained it to you
hes a sociopath who cant feel emotions
AMERICA JONES
he doesnt use people logic so pretty much no one can understand
Jul 7
No, it's a fact of goddamn life. You don't get happiness dropped in your lap, you try to earn it, you try to deserve it.
Horace
I can try to understand; I want to.
Jul 7
the real thing you cant understand is why after all your ******** forgiveness and devotion and lovey dovey insistent blindness
havent you replaced me
he doesnt work like people
he doesnt reward hard work or decides who deserves what
AMERICA JONES
he simply does what he wants
Jul 7
Horace
I don't want to replace you or be you or any of that s**t.
Jul 7
without care for your feelings or your anything whatsoever unless they will give him what he wants
AMERICA JONES
and thats only what he wants now
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
not tomorrow or the next day
Jul 7
Horace
And things happened because you were there and I pushed against that. He doesn't like being pushed.
Jul 7
you want his attention and good will back?
find a way to get a lot of money and nice things he likes
promo up so you can have a nice big room like melvin
AMERICA JONES
stop whining and getting in the way with your needs and feelings when he wants something
Jul 7
Horace
Oh wow, stellar unsolicited advice, thank you ever so much.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
but its not wrong
Jul 7
Horace
Let's take a hypothetical here and say I took your advice and it worked. Then what - I wait until you decide you want him again?
Jul 7
no horace remember what i said
he wont be faithful
even if im not around
AMERICA JONES
so when he inevitably ******** around
Jul 7
Horace
We were fine, before, and he was.
Jul 7
get over it
AMERICA JONES
really
Jul 7
Horace
I'd just have to try to be enough.
Jul 7
and why do you think melvin wanted him moved in
AMERICA JONES
you arent enough horace there is no such thing as enough
Jul 7
Horace
Because Melvin and I discussd it and thought it might be a good course of action.
Jul 7
if i was with him hed cheat on me
AMERICA JONES
really
Jul 7
Horace
cool.
Jul 7
was the course of action interior decorating
AMERICA JONES
and making things nice and cozy for himself to settle in for good
Jul 7
Horace
No, no it was not, Miss Clone Jones, and I don't have to discuss mine and Melvin's motivations with you.
Jul 7
sure thing ill just enjoy waking up to their domestic sleepy cuddles and think yes
truly this going according to horaces clever plan
AMERICA JONES
but sure horace
Jul 7
Horace
Aw, what a cute attempt at baiting me.
Jul 7
you keep blaming me for the way lawrence is
and why that means happily ever after isnt in the cards with him
AMERICA JONES
ill be gone soon enough
Jul 7
Horace
I'm blaming you for -your- actions, sugartits.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
thats fine
Jul 7
Horace
But I gotta run. Busy busy. 😘
Jul 7
good luck horace
AMERICA JONES
try seeing the rest of him sometime
Jul 7
Horace
Oh, save me your false wishes.
Jul 7
AMERICA JONES
not just the happily ever after you think you can earn
