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 Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 5:57 am
Jordan smiled without any humor. "Ferros keeps me stable," he said, and left it at that.
"Sentimental?" he asked. "Define real - I'd argue that the ability to think and feel and the presence of a soul and self that continues beyond death are pretty real."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:02 am
"Or has you reliant on him, one of the two." He snapped acerbically.
"I call it just clever trickery. Everything I've seen of their world is just a twisted and wrong reflection of the real world, they don't get anything right. As far as I'm ******** concerned they are like a totally waste product of our imaginations and deserve the same kind of treatment. Tracey's strong and useful and I'll respect that much because I have to for the bond, but I'm not about to start calling him a person. Nothing about him is like a person, he doesn't even have a proper gender, and he'd ******** murder people too given half a chance. Imitation. Falling for it is pretty soft minded, I thought you were logical."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:07 am
Jordan shrugged slightly, watching Rep over the edge of his cup, hurt and disappointment lurking in the back of his eyes, faint and mostly hidden. "If I start thinking the ability to think and feel and the presence of a soul don't make a person," he said, "then I have to start wondering what makes me a person. That's what logically follows from that line of thought."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:13 am
Rep gave him a quizzical look. "We are people because we are born, because we just ******** are. There's no doubt about it. It's just a fact. You are real, I'm real, they were never born or anything, they are just unreal s**t that we need to use to protect our world. Just like, viruses or something in a system."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:23 am
"They're created from our thoughts and fears, they depend on human energy, but most of them are born as children to parents of their type. They exist, their world exists." Jordan studied his coffee, looking tired. "We depend on the energy of the sun. It's what fuels Earth's whole system. Everything living depends on some form of energy that comes from somewhere outside itself. The system's bigger than us. Much bigger." His eyes flicked up to meet Rep's and he smiled wryly. "You ever watch The Matrix?"
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:37 am
"Aye. I did." he said. "And we are pretty much bateries to them, stupid cattle they can terrify and farm." He snorted derisively. "As for them being born, that's just another ******** imitation, an abomination of everything we are. Humans are the top creature, the thing all this s**t centers around, without us they'd be nothing."
He snorted again. "I didn't think you'd buy into that circle of life hippy s**t man. That'll end up getting you killed. You just don't have empathy with the bad guys, they have no ******** empathy with us. Where was their ******** live and let live when Killzone died? When Julie ******** died? Everything they do is against us. We aren't dragon riding happy guys with our lovely partners who sparkle and s**t, we have subjugated an enemy, like taking some other army's tech and turning it against them."
"And I don't buy into letting abominations have relationships."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:49 am
"You reminded me of the line about humans as a virus," Jordan said, with a small, grim smile.
His expression hardened. "It's the Horsemen who want to kill us all and cut off their own food supply," he said. "Some of the regular freaks are smart about it. Cooperative. If you haven't noticed, Deus has connections among the Boogeymen." He paused a beat to let that sink in. "We're the last line of defense when they can't control their own. Or did you miss the history lesson where we get the information that the weaponization technique came from Halloween? Ask Excalibur, next time he's out and about, because I don't believe for an instant that that was the last time he will be, now that they can."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:55 am
"I've noticed and I don't ******** agree with it at all. I think kissing up to them is the actions of a group of cowards. If we eradicated all of them, mass ******** freakicide, we would be no worse off for it. The fact they are even corruptable is ******** disgusting too, it means they aren't monster enough to be pure, just fractured shitty reflections of all the junk that is terrible about us."
"Who cares where it came from, the atom bomb came from nerds, it doesn't mean its used for the same thing, they gave us the tools, we should use them. But again. Tools." He curled his lip in evident disgust. "You sound like you support them."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:59 am
"They're made out of human energies, human fears. If we eradicated the whole damn world, I'd be willing to bet it'd grow back." Jordan's eyes went sharp and thoughtful, and he studied Rep. "It's all the things you hate about yourself," he said slowly. "That's what this is about. Not about the freaks or even the weapons."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:09 am
Rep was about to argue they could destroy it again and again when Jordan added his very concise and cutting summary. Rep's jaw dropped, whatever words he'd been considering dying pre-emptively.
<>
He set the laptop aside and got up, everything about his posture hostile and tense. "I''m used to other people dismissing s**t I say by blaming my issues."
He clenched his hands into fists hard enough they shook. "But not you." Rage was all that he could think about, his vision red around the edges. "I didn't think your precious ******** monsters were more important than me. How wrong was I?"
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:18 am
Jordan set the coffee cup on the counter and stalked across the room, his hand darting out to grab a handful of Rep's shirt and pull him close. "Am I dismissing what you said?" he asked evenly. "No. I'm not. I'm following your arguments back to their source, because you're not thinking about a single ******** thing you just said, because all of that is full of gaping logical holes I could drive a Mack truck through, and that's a crystal clear indicator that you're talking straight from your emotions without checking in with your brain on the way there. You're not listening to me, and I'm figuring out why you're not listening to me, and you're pissed because that hurt."
He let go and stepped back, his eyes snapping with glacial anger. "I am not dismissing what you said. I am trying to understand how you can say all that without an ounce of self-awareness, because I have not given up on you, and I will never give up on you, William Reid!" By the end of the statement, he was yelling.
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:28 am
Rep's irritations and seething anger seemed to falter in the sudden proximity to Jordan, torn between furthering the tantrum by escalating the tension and being rattled out of it and backing down. He ended up frozen, a picture of outrage, until he somehow managed to bring himself around to reason.
"Well ******** forgive me for trying to explain how I feel about s**t to you. We can't all be perfect ******** eloquent masters of words and whatever. I'm not listening to you because god ******** I don't agree with you." He was backed into a logical corner, closer and closer to the nerves, to the fact that under all of it he was afraid that everything he'd believed was wrong.
The yelling finally succeeded where reason had failed, he faltered, reaching up to straighten out his shirt, taking a step back.
"I don't want to doubt myself." he said quietly, "I don't want to doubt my emotions and feelings, the choices I've made." he shuddered again. "And I don't want someone in my head who has free ******** will."
He clenched his hands anxiously, his voice cracking. "People leave."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:38 am
"Disagreeing, we can do that," Jordan said, taking a deep breath and uncurling his hands from the fists they'd ended up in. "Not listening I'm not okay with. If you listen, think about it, and decide you still disagree, I can handle that. Okay?"
At the quieter, wavering words, his mouth pulled down, the fury melting into something softer, closer to sadness. "Tracey's not leaving," he said. "Even if he could, I don't believe he would. And I don't know what you're thinking if you think Harrison's going anywhere, he's your Moon and hell if he's going to let anyone else defend your a**. And I'm not leaving. There's - there's only one way you could pry me away from you now, and you know what that is, and I'd really prefer not to do that, I have things left to do." He shook himself, tried on a smile, let it slide off when it felt too fake.
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:49 am
"Fine. I just don't agree was what I was saying. I need to be able to see them how I do to do my job. I don't want to change that, I don't want to see them as people, I have enough trouble seeing people as people."
He couldn't shake the anxiety and guilt, like every time he got mired in doubts he hurt people around him and he wasn't even sure why he did it. He wanted to run away again, because that was always easiest, but it didn't solve anything.
"I just want Tracey to stay how he was. I don't want him having someone he cares about more than me." The hostility faded almost entirely. "I get ******** scared when things feel like they are changing. I'm happy."
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Posted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 7:59 am
Jordan nodded, stepped forward again to loop his arms loosely around Rep's waist. "You might need to give me a little time to accept that," he said against Rep's shoulder.
He turned his head a little, listening to what Rep was saying and what he wasn't saying. "Him caring about Ferros isn't going to make him stop caring about you," he said. "Like. Hell, look at us - me loving you doesn't mean I love Harrison any less. That was the problem, before we figured out that it was all mutual. That I didn't care for him less than I care for you, or the other way around." He took a breath. "Me caring about you guys doesn't mean I can't care about my weapon, either. It's a different feeling. But still just as strong."
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