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It probably spoke volumes that he didn't even quirk an eyebrow at her mouth comment, or ask her again to just fill the glass; neither factor was important.

"Alright," he said eventually, "I will... explain." As he gave a heavy sigh Vena dropped down into his lap and was soon joined by Sanguine, whilst Marrow draped around his neck. Breaking eye contact with Alina Bereck shook his head again. "I just wanted to prove... to prove we were useful. That I was useful. I couldn't go to see the crimson that had flown and so I sent Berath, and she discovered the crimson was carrying eggs and... well the crimson asked for her to be her companion, to help her. Ber probably would have refused but for me asking her to accept." In his moment of doubt and guilt Bereck didn't notice that he had used that little pet name that Alina - and 'Ber' herself - often used for him.

That wasn't the reaction he had hoped for or, if he was honest, expected. He probably should have expected it though because it had indeed been, as Alina said, 'a d**k move'. He felt even worse now that somebody else had confirmed it. Bereck seemed to shrink in on himself and guilt and unhappiness wrote themselves plainly across his face. He could make excuses, try to explain that he'd been scared and not quite himself, but there was no point. He had known it would upset berath but he had asked it of her anyway. Instead of trying to put himself in a better light to Alina therefore he just said; "I know."

He wished he hadn't done it; Berath was still unhappy with the situation, except on the occasions Hyweth left her to guard the eggs while she went to eat or bathe... but then the crimson came back and Berath had to give the eggs back, and it hurt even more.

"She won't forget," Bereck said quietly after a heavy pause, looking down at the flitts in his lap; they had gone quiet and still in response to his plunging mood. "She's with Hyweth every day so it gets refreshed.... She enjoys watching the eggs while the crimson goes off to wash or eat... but then she has to step aside when she comes back. I never meant to hurt her." He had reacted without thinking, reacted selfishly, and there was nothing he could do now to fix it. "She'll probably forget once the hatching is over... so long as I forget too." In order to stop Berath being upset he had to not think about it, but he felt guilty and so he wouldn't be able to forget about it and so Berath would keep remembering it and so he would still feel guilty and....

"Believe me, if I could Time it back and knock some sense into myself, I would," Bereck muttered, eyes still downcast. He didn't really want to know how Alina might be looking at him. Perhaps he shouldn't even have told her.

Had he been feeling less gloomy Bereck might have grouched that he knew all of that. As it was he just made a vague noise of agreement and nodded. "I shall do my utmost to put it out of mind." That was easier said than done but he would try. "Berath knows I'm a fool who makes mistakes," he added after a moment, "one of the reasons she said she chose me was because she thought I needed looking after.... Though this wasn't quite the sort of thing she meant.

"...I'm developing a real talent for bringing down the mood, aren't I?" He made himself look back up at last then and lent lightly into her fingers; not enough to move her hand, just enough to let her know the touch was appreciated. After a moment more he took the cheese and ate it; he might feel like a terrible person at the moment but that was a very poor reason to deny his body food, especially given he'd just thrown half a glass of wine at it.

How to explain the bone deep certainty that no matter what he had never done enough, or been enough? Yes he was proud of what he had achieved over the turns, yes a lot of the time he felt superior to people who hadn't worked as hard or done as much... but that didn't mean he had done enough. There were always more things he should do, and things he should have done better at. What exactly was he trying to prove to himself, or to the world, or whoever it was he was trying to prove something to?

The fingers in his hair were nice though, and he managed a slight smile at that and at her words.

"She is," he nodded, meaning Berath, "I probably would have driven myself insane without her.... Do you suppose dragons choose people who are lacking something fundamental? It's an interesting theory, and would cast riders in rather a new light." A little of the gloom cloud lifted away from Bereck as he pondered the new and interesting notion. "Maybe those who could Impress but age out of the system never find a dragon because they don't need one. Dragons seek compatibility, and we know often compensate for their bondmate's flaws. Humm. An interesting theory in any case."

"Ha!" Bereck's eyebrows rose and a grin curved his mouth; it didn't quite light his face back up to the cheer it had shown when he'd arrived but it went some way towards it. "Alright," he nodded agreement, "get up then, and give me a moment." He would need both arms of the chair to push himself upright; he couldn't avoid her observing that, and didn't especially mind this fact, but he wasn't going to go on about it.

"Thank you," he added, grin softening to a little smile, "that means a lot. I'm glad you think well of me, even when I am a fool." She had been unimpressed with him for his stupid decision but she didn't think less of him; it was an important distinction, and a great relief.

Right. Hands on the arms of the chair, firelizards shooed away to sit neatly on Alina's desk for now. Gripping the chair arms hard Bereck pushed himself slowly up out of the seat, eyes closing and teeth baring in a grimace. Pain or not he was pleased with the outcome; getting up first time and more quickly than he could have a sevenday ago was definitely positive. He was glad that Alina offered him the horrible cane swiftly though; he had been feeling off balance and rather vulnerable without its support.

Then she kissed him briefly, and he gave a soft contented little sigh. "Well, I suppose that's obvious," he said after a moment, smiling up at the tall woman. "I'm still glad though. I don't think I'm a bad man," he went on as he started to make his way to the bunk, leaning heavily on his cane, "I feel bad for that mistake but that's not the same thing. I suppose I just always see that there's more too do and see where I could improve. Nothing wrong with striving for perfection, even if it is unattainable."

Having reached the bunk without incident Bereck eyed it with some scepticism; it was quite low, about the same height as the chair, and there were no helpful arms that he could use to lower himself onto it. He supposed he would have to rely on some other arms. Clearing his throat he turned to Alina with hesitancy that was probably familiar to her by now; he knew he needed help and was practical enough to ask for it but it took a little while for his pride to relinquish its grip on his vocal chords enough for him to push the request out.

Bereck cleared his throat again.

"Ah... would you mind lending an arm?"

Ow.

Ow ow ow.

Eyes closed Bereck lent his head lightly against the nuzzling for a few moments, taking shallow controlled breaths as his side stabbed and flared with pain. "Yes," he said eventually with only a slight gasp in his voice, "good." As the pain started to ease off to a background level he could ignore he opened his eyes and sighed, giving Alina a bit of a smile. "I'm glad you didn't give any of them; my sense of humour on this front is highly limited. Thank you." For the help, and for not joking even if she had been tempted.

"How about some more food then, and maybe wine? Maybe I should sent the firelizards for something non alcoholic too.... Mmmfh, maybe I'll also set a couple of them to watch the corridor." He didn't want anyone to walk in unexpectedly; he had not intention of doing anything less than chaste but he always had been deeply private. It was none of anyone else's business if he lent against her, or held her hand, or kissed her gently. For now he just did the first of those things, and lightly in case she moved suddenly to grab food or drink.