|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 8:15 pm
A life without meaning is like having lungs without air to fill them.It's become so frequent that I get this feeling, as though someones hands are clasped around my throat, a head with a plastic bag over it, plunged underwater.
I can't shake this feeling of suffocation.
It gets so much at times that all I can do to ease the tension built up inside of me is to breakdown and cry.
Right now I feel as though my life is entirely without meaning. That while I sit here going through the motions of my daily routine I'm slowly giving pieces of myself away and saving none for myself.
It's always been my desire to travel and see the world but what sort of purpose does that serve?
I want so much more out of this life but I'm not sure how to obtain it.
I want a purpose, a reason to keep living and fighting against the waves that want to subdue me.
I'm just entirely unsure of how to find one and I feel so helpless just sitting here and waiting for it to fall out of the sky and into my lap.
For now I suppose I'll continue fighting for air. I just don't know how long I'll be able to hold my breath.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2013 8:22 pm
Angry. Frustrated. You could say I'm a little fed up.I want a life.
I don't want to put myself into mounds of debt for a stupid slip of paper that might secure me a decent career in this country.
I don't want to study, especially if every path I take for my desired degree is so indirect and filled with irrelevancies.
I don't want to have to work my life away.
I want to live. I want to go out into this world and do something, make a difference, and be free.
But everything and everyone, more or less, tells me that's just not practical.
Why does practicality matter?
Why is everyone so content with their boring repetitive lives.
I look at everyone at my school, in my life, in this country, and most of the world and everyone just looks so dead to me.
How can life have any meaning when you're forced to slave away for some monetary living?
When did we all become okay with that?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to achieve what I think I want. All I know is that I can't physically or mentally tolerate it anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:53 pm
I need to stop staying up so late.I constantly come to the same conclusion and the persistent realization that I’m so incredibly alone in my life.
I don’t have a best friend. In fact, I’ve never had one.
My only loved ones are, and have only ever been, my family.
People like to point out how unaffectionate I am but that’s only the surface.
It’s not just that I’m unaffectionate, I’m ultimately and entirely removed from my emotions and therefore I am ultimately and entirely removed from having any sort of intimate relationship with another person.
I’ve always been okay with being alone but when I actually start to feel lonely I begin to realize how truly lost I am as an individual.
______________________________________
Excuse my sentimentality of late.
When I stay up late at night I tend to get to thinking.
I really need to stop staying up so late.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 9:03 pm
The single life is the one for me!I've become far too accustomed to the single life.
I mean, I've never dated or had a boyfriend before; I'm totally cool with that.
In fact, I have no desire to date or even be in a relationship.
What I desire most a male companion, the best of best friends who will be by my side for the remainder of my life. Someone to share my thoughts and experiences with.
A travel companion would be ideal because always having to sit next to a stranger on the plane requires too many social skills.
I also want someone to gorge on ridiculous amounts of food with me and make me feel less guilty for being a chunker.
Plus, I need someone who won't need my undivided attention because, to be honest, this hot mess called Joseph (me) needs a lot of looking after.
It's okay to be alone but it's not okay to be lonely.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Apr 12, 2013 7:31 pm
The Spartacus finale; I can't breath.I won't spoil anything for anyone who is a fan of the series minus the end credits.
But HOLY ******** s**t BALLS.
I was a late comer to the Starz series Spartacus, a four season television series that follows the rise and fall of the historical hero Spartacus.
This last week I've been giving all of my free time to playing catch up in preparation for the season finale tonight.
There is no such thing as preparing for what happened.
Much of it was expected but, naturally, as you follow the struggles and success of well developed characters you can't help but feel as though you are them, or at least a close loved one.
What really sort of hits me in the so-called "feels" is that the original actor for Spartacus, Andy Whitfield, who portrayed the character for the entire first season was unable to continue the role due to Lymphoma which he ultimately succumbed to in 2011.
One of the most iconic scenes of the series was during one of the final episodes of the first season when Spartacus (Andy Whitfield) proclaims, "I AM SPARTACUS." In tribute to Andy Whitfield who indeed was a gladiator and rebel against Lymphoma until his final days, Starz and the producers of Spartacus stringed together images of the Spartacus cast and the very last image was a replaying of that very same scene where Andy Whitfield those unforgettable words.
So many emotions going through me right now.
I'm rather unsure of what I'm going to be doing with my free time from now on. <******** everything.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2013 7:25 pm
Big decisions make me indecisive.Can we just start off with, why in the hell does university in America cost so damn much?! It's truly outrageous.
And with that, I've come to a set of crossroads in my life.
I know that career wise I can only see myself honestly happy as a photographer and cinematographer. Naturally, these two jobs and my other skill sets would make me a pretty versatile individual. I could work in multi-media, advertising, television, and film with a cinematography major under my belt.
The only issue is that my current university doesn't have a specific cinematography/videography major and really the only universities that do are big names in NY and Cali and then of course $40k and upward private colleges.
However, I've started to look at attending university in Germany. Colleges these are significantly cheaper, and from what I understand they charge only one set fee for both residents and foreigners (I'll need to look into that more).
The issue becomes, should I just forgo the broadcasting (and maybe photography) major(s), apply for a student visa and go through all the paperwork and technicalities of attending a foreign university?
The truth is, I just don't know.
When I sit down and say "let's be practical" I figure that finishing off my current major(s) at my present university is ideal (although more expensive than the alternative).
I understand that I could always stick to my Broadcasting (and potentially photography) degree(s) and later look into attending a German university when I've paid off my student loan debts (still accumulating) but is it ideal?
I've asked so many other peoples' opinions and while I value them, they only further split me down the middle.
No one can really come from a position of experience and understanding where they too have come to these very same (or similar) crossroads and give me a definitive piece of advice.
I'm just so conflicted and ultimately scared. I'm scared of debt and I'm also scared of the unknown.
Ultimately, I think maintaing my current course is the best option. I'm good at what I'm already doing and I have reasonable experience that can only help in the long run.
It's just a bit unnerving to see this dream I've had still be so far out of reach. I don't want to look back 10 years from now and regret not following my heart.
Things like this just make me so indecisive when usually I'm a bit more fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants definitive.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 31, 2013 12:54 pm
After today I never wish to own an animal.Biggest ******** fiasco of a day I've ever had.
For starters, my family currently has two dogs; an epileptic biter Pembroke Welsh Corgi and a mischievous German Shorthair Pointer.
This morning, the German Shorthair decided she was going to chew on the mole poison bottle while my mother did housework. Subsequently, she poisoned herself (to what degree, we're unsure) and threw up multiple times within a five hour period.
Two of those vomiting sessions happened inside the house during a downpour and my poor mother had had it.
The Corgi had somehow managed her way into the room where the vomit was and wouldn't leave (she's petrified of storms) and my mothers attempt to get her out of the room led to a biting.
The bite is rather bad however, my mother refuses to go to the doctors.
Instead, we called the pound and are taking the Corgi to get euthanized ASAP. She's a rather old dog to begin with and her seizures have left her a bit forgetful and so she lashes out in her dementia induced fear.
Might I add that the Corgi bit me (I was the first victim) in the face almost four years ago and I required nine stitches to my face. Since then she's bitten my sister and tore her lip, bitten my mother and multiple occasions causing several puncture wounds and today a rather lovely gash.
So after all of the chaos and headache causing drama, I had to escort the German Shorthair to the vet where she is staying until five this evening under observation. A whopping $300 visit I might add for a dog they believe, as well as myself, to be "fine and well."
Give me all the babies of the world to take care but I will have no further business in the animal department. No way, no how.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:21 pm
Der Fluch des Pharao Angry. Frustrated. You could say I'm a little fed up.I want a life.
I don't want to put myself into mounds of debt for a stupid slip of paper that might secure me a decent career in this country.
I don't want to study, especially if every path I take for my desired degree is so indirect and filled with irrelevancies.
I don't want to have to work my life away.
I want to live. I want to go out into this world and do something, make a difference, and be free.
But everything and everyone, more or less, tells me that's just not practical.
Why does practicality matter?
Why is everyone so content with their boring repetitive lives.
I look at everyone at my school, in my life, in this country, and most of the world and everyone just looks so dead to me.
How can life have any meaning when you're forced to slave away for some monetary living?
When did we all become okay with that?
Nothing makes sense to me anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to achieve what I think I want. All I know is that I can't physically or mentally tolerate it anymore. I can totally relate to what you are feeling, because i feel the exact same way and it's driving me crazy and as time goes by it's like you're wasting your life away slowly. I want to do good in this world but it's as if there's something pulling me away from doing good. I have absolutely no motivation and i hate that. You can add me on here if you'd like to have a friend to talk to.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jun 01, 2013 7:34 pm
I appreciate that, thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 7:45 am
I'm at a loss for words.I'm not a particularly affectionate person, not in the least. In fact, I have the worst time showing affection for anyone, even family.
Years ago when I was much younger I genuinely fell in love with someone, inexplicable naive love. Unfortunately, he was unable to reciprocate my feelings and the friendship we once had before our attempt at a relationship had completely dissolved. At one point we'd gone nearly five years without talking and to this very day I still love him. Fortunately, he and I remain in contact, albeit sparse.
Since him I've only fallen in love with one other person whom just recently I drunkenly, on multiple nights actually, revealed to him that I loved him.
The conversation this morning, however, went a bit peculiar. Last night I had drunkenly sent him a massive text message rambling on about how I loved him amongst other things and he had told me that we should have a conversation in the morning, which we did. The conversation was brief and I told him that I basically would rather he just never want to speak to me again even though that's not what I want. He then asked me to tell him what I want him to do, what I want from him. I don't think he'd actually realized that those drunken nights I'd told him that I loved him I really did mean it. Telling him this morning that even though I can't ask this of someone I want him to love me he couldn't help but not.
My worst fear with him became a reality. Once again someone can't reciprocate my feelings and it hurts. I know this is life, things like this happen and will continue to happen but I had hoped that things could possibly be different this time. I feel so strange talking to him now, I don't know what to say or do. I do want to continue a friendship with him, more than anything and I suppose the most important thing for me is that he be happy, even if it's with another person; that's not what really hurts me.
What truly pains me is that every time I open up to someone about my emotions and show my affections things like this happen. I'm not particularly in touch with my emotions to begin with so as difficult as it is for me to understand than it's even more difficult for me to show them. I hate feeling vulnerable above anything and it just so happens that every time I open up I'm left hurt or confused.
All of this makes me feel so childish. I know this is life, things like this happen to everyone. I shouldn't even be complaining about it. But you know what? For me this helps me sort through it all and make sense of it.
I can't say I'll be better tomorrow, or the day after that, or a week later, or even a month. I can't help but feel like I need to build up my wall again and this time make sure that not even I will be able to pull it down.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:13 am
I certainly don't think you're being childish, and I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about it ("complaining").
This kind of experience is incredibly painful, and (maybe I'm crazy) but it almost feels worse when the object of your unrequited affection doesn't blow you off outright.
I think you hit the nail on the head by describing it as feeling vulnerable; nobody likes feeling like they don't have control over their emotions, and knowing that someone has the power to hurt you even more (even though they almost certainly wouldn't choose to intentionally do so) is the rotten cherry on a dirt sundae.
It would be easy enough for me to say that you shouldn't put up walls and trap yourself, but I am quite sure that I would feel like doing the same thing if I were in the same situation. sweatdrop Doesn't mean it's a good idea, at least not permanently, but I get where you're coming from.
Anyway, I hope that you're soon bombarded with all sorts of pleasant and not-painful events and experiences so that you can start to feel better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 10:20 am
|| Hugs Tae ||
I needed that.
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Sep 12, 2013 8:20 pm
I can be such a sap, sometimes.I'm constantly with a wave of insatiable sentimentality at the strangest of times, i.e. at this very moment.
I'm not quite sure what triggers it, and I can definitely admit to be the sentimental type (whatever that may entail).
The feeling is something that just washes over me and consumes me in some sort of sappy, tear-jerked mood where all I want to do is sit in the middle of a valley meadow with nothing but the stars above me.
I actually wish this happened more often, it's refreshing.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 20, 2013 12:12 am
Feelings of inadequacy are all too familiar.No matter how kind I am to people, especially to those I like, I always feel like I'm push aside.
I guess it's sort of the whole "nice guy" complex, but for everyone I've ever been interested in I've never even felt like second best to them.
A lot of my "inadequacy" feelings come from the fact that, all too often, I fall for straight men.
Now, while I see sexuality as entirely fluid, in that no one is truly "hetero" or "homo" sexual, not everyone sees it that way.
I dunno.
I definitely fail hard at flirting with men in that I don't actually do it.
The fact that I don't actively participate in the "gay community" whatsoever and that I'm hardly recognized as a homosexual makes it really difficult even finding men.
Gosh, I just feel like a lost cause at times.
For once I'd love for a guy to show interest in ME rather than the other way around.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
