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 Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 7:21 pm
The moment the door closed behind him, Jerry's stiff posture immediately slackened, and it was all he could do to reach for the wall beside Bix before sliding down into a seated position, rubbing his right leg with a tight noise in his throat. It was somewhere between a whine and a growl.
"I hate that man. I hate him. I hate him. And I don't hate anyone, but I hate him." His hands went up to rake through his unruly hair. "Knew we wouldn't get straight answers. Doesn't matter. Doesn't change anything. Doesn't matter. I hope she's okay. W-without... us." He finished carefully.
They weren't human anymore.
Access to files for full Hunters only.
His hands slid down to where the whistle hung at his chest, holding it quietly as he gained that distant, glazed expression of silent discussion with one's weapon. Or he had dissociated. With Jerry, one didn't know sometimes.
Patience. What's it so important for, anyway? Would it change anything?
It had never been an option for him, never been a thought. His parents WERE his grandparents, but they hadn't been the one to bring him into the world, and what... what if they were something to be proud of? Something he was constantly putting to shame for being him?
What if they're just plain dead. Aint seen no plaques with "Collins" written on 'em around the place. Might have just been humans and it's you who's special.
Roar had a point.
It was just your name on the list. Maybe your great great grandpappy killed a dragon, would that make you any less roadkill? Concentrate on the hunt.
"No." He murmured, sagging a bit with a sigh, "Concentrate on the hunt."
He drew in a sharp breath, "He'll probably just... scare her a bit. She did go through his desk."
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 7:23 pm
When Jerry leaned down to press a kiss against her temple, Sasha leaned into the gesture. It was just slightly calming, and Sasha gave him a worried glance before she buried her face in her hands once more. She gave her eyes a quick rub before peering at Bix and Jerry, offering the most reassuring smile she could muster.
It wasn't really reassuring. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't fearful.
The worst part was knowing that she deserved whatever punishment the doctor felt was merited.
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 7:31 pm
Bix glanced down at Jerry when he spaced out. When the other man commented aloud, he said nothing. He wasn't quite sure if he was talking to anyone, or just himself.
"Sometimes he looks like he's looking for a meal." Bix scowled. "Like.. some people are just prey for him. I hate him too. That's not natural." Was any of this natural though?
Now they could only wait for Sasha.
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 7:39 pm
Jerry snorted, his grip on the whistle tightening, "If he lays a finger on her, I swear..." He shook his head, inhaling deeply. But Sasha wasn't easily swayed like that. It wouldn't be another Candace. It would be fine. Just wait.
Unless of course, a reaper decides to find their bodies and reanimate them for a fun family reunion.
He hummed softly, if only to occupy his brain.
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 8:31 pm
Once the two had left, the doctor leaned back in his chair and beckoned toward her, "Come here, Sasha."
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 9:44 pm
Sasha's mouth twisted to the side, brow furrowed with worry. As instructed, she rose to her feet and went to stand in front of him, with the desk between them. Somehow the desk seemed to bolster her confidence enough that she could actually meet the doctor's eyes.
Nervously she reached out with her index fingers, tapping them against the edge of the desk as she mumbled quietly, "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 9:58 pm
Pushing his chair back, the doctor replied, "I don't want apologies, my dear. Done is done, however you must understand that there are consequences for one's actions." His voice wasn't angry, and it had lost it's earlier impatience and venom. His voice was reasonable, bordering gentle, "Now come around here, and begin going through my desk. Take out every item you brought out and inspected in my absence. Each piece of my life that you touched and handled so freely in the dark, you'll do the same now where I can clearly see."
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Posted: Wed May 16, 2012 10:35 pm
It was mortifying. Embarassing and beyond. It was far easier to go through everything she shouldn't have when he wasn't here, of course. Being ordered to sort through all of the things she shouldn't have touched amplified the feelings of shame until they almost weighed her down entirely. Despite the almost gentle tone of the doctor's voice, she couldn't relax. The hissing, mocking tone he'd taken earlier, the demeaning way he'd spoken to all three of them… things not easily forgotten.
As she'd been told, Sasha shuffled around the desk. Her fingers slipped over the familiar sheaf of papers. She indicated with a tap of her finger and a mumbled, "The picture was here."
From there she pressed a palm against a stack of legal pads, fingers brushing against address books, the old copy of Crime and Punishment. The puzzle. She lifted the legal pads - she remembered stuffing the sketch of the nude woman beneath the pile of papers. It was still there. Sasha withdrew it and placed it back where she'd first found it.
The picture of Jerry and the doctor. She held it up, brushed her finger against Jerry's face much like she had the first time she'd touched it.
Sasha moved past the doctor, opening various drawers. She indicated the shaving kit. The small closet, though she didn't approach it. "I touched the shirts when I walked past, and.. um, there were two giftbags - one with u-underclothes, one with shoes," Sasha mumbled softly, chewing on her lip, "and a suitcase, but I didn't touch any of that."
After another clearing of her throat, Sasha reached for the final drawer. The book, figurines and note were all held in turn, just the way she'd done before.
Molten, leaded shame. She wanted to cry again.
"I touched the shirts last," she rasped softly, as if that would earn her points.
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 12:47 am
He watched the girl quietly, and when she finished he stood up and joined her. Touching the picture he tapped it and looked at her, "After hearing your desire for it, I sent one of my people to pick up your flute while in the area. As you now know, your home is no longer as you left it. Rather than upset you further, I simply made sure you got the instrument anonymously, without having to endure the less than pleasant details." His fingers followed the trail she left, skimming the legal pads, "Many in this division simply use their computers to design and code, but I prefer to start on paper." They tapped each of the address books, "Civilian business, hunter business, personal pleasure."
He paused at the book, a small smile crossing his lips, "Power is given only to him who dares to stoop and take it ... one must have the courage to dare." The doctor gave Sasha a gently ironic look, "If nothing else...you must understand that I don't find your actions contemptuous." He flicked the puzzle, "Designing such toys is an exercise in fooling the perception of others, not just sight, but the mind that interprets what one sees. They're also useful for keeping young Simon busy when I have the misfortune of his company."
The smile widened at the sketch, and he traced a finger along the woman's thigh, "Much like my notes, where others prefer to take photos, I'm of a much more old fashioned mindset. The woman was a hunter, and prior to that a stripper of all things. She died quite some time ago, declaring love for a young man whose time was also due. Tragedy often follows hunters, love simply makes it all the more poignant."
The doctor laughed outright at the photo, and then moved on. The shaving kit, "Clarice generally does it for me, the ever capable Girl Friday. One of the gift bags is for her, upon her return. The other is for Candace should she either be quite good, or delightfully bad. I keep spare clothes in my office because there's often a likelihood of sleeping here, either due to work, or other, more pleasant occupations."
And finally he reached that last drawer, and pulled out the two little figures, setting the male on the desk, and holding the female up, his gaze thoughtful as he studied it. "The owner of that secret room. She grew in very isolated setting, allowed to run wild much of her life before coming here, and so socializing was an awkward, hard won battle for her. There was a young man in the Life division that liked to play the game Dungeons and Dragons, and she wanted to use it to get to know him, to make him her friend." The doctor's voice was fond, but a little wry at the edges, "But she disliked losing or appearing ignorant, so she demanded I show her how to play. Within an hour she had determined I was very terrible at leading the game and that even as a beginner she was much better suited," a soft laugh, "...a silly row resulted in a week of cold silence, until we did, indeed, put it behind us."
He set the figure down with a soft click, "She was my best friend, and I hers. I loved her...very much and in ways she could never return." He looked away from the figure and back at Sasha, eyes empty, all gentleness gone, "She's dead now, of course. The turn of the millennium came at quite the cost."
He sighed and looked into her eyes for a long moment, something in him easing, becoming gentle, "Everything comes at a cost, Sasha. I may seem terrible to you now, and perhaps that's for the best, but I want you to understand that the price of seeking answers, is finding them."
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 10:54 am
When the doctor stood, Sasha stepped back; not out of fear or self-preservation, only to give him room.
She was silent throughout the duration, close attention paid to each and every word he said, each and every object he indicated. She was mildly reassured when he made mention of not finding her actions contemptuous.
Her mouth twisted downward when the doctor laughed at the photo of Jerry and himself.
Sasha looked a little too intrigued at the mention of the shaving kit and Clarice's involvement with it. There may have even been a flash of jealousy that flickered across her face before she squelched it. Until she'd given Jerry a shave just days past, she hadn't really realized how much she'd missed the precise, calming duty.
Her expression hardened at the mention of Candace, a hot flush tinting her cheeks. Sasha wasn't interested in that little detail. She crossed her arms over her chest, but kept silent until the doctor finished speaking.
Sasha's stony gaze locked on the little figurine, glancing from it to his face and back again. Her features softened as the doctor spoke of the memories attached to the figurines, the book, the note. She didn't really know what to make of it all. Sasha had done something that she perceived as reprehensible, utterly disappointing. Ever since the moment she'd started pilfering through the doctor's things, Sasha had felt like the worst sort of villain. Despite that, she was standing here watching the doctor explain to her what everything meant. Speaking of best friends, the friend he'd loved. The friend he'd lost.
Her brow furrowed.
She was silent for a long moment, feeling even more upset than she had before. Not entirely because of what she done, but because she'd forced him to revisit the emotions that her actions had unearthed. He was only human, after all, and Sasha knew all too well the deep, writhing, restless void left behind by the loss of a loved one. To have someone poking, prodding, pulling apart those dark, hopeless feelings?
Sasha knew exactly how it felt.
Breaking eye contact with the doctor, Sasha reached down and picked up the figurine of the woman in one hand before reaching for the figurine of the man. She looked a little sheepish as she held them each aloft, refusing to make eye-contact with the doctor as she spoke.
"I knew.. well. This man in black, I assumed was.. was you." She stared at the little male figure for a long moment before wrapping it in her fist, turning her attention to the small female figure. Sasha cleared her throat, face pinking as she stared at the long black hair and white robes.
"I ah." Sasha cleared her throat again, the sound nervous. She kept her eyes trained on the object she held in her fingers; perhaps it would be easier to say what she wanted to say if she didn't look at the doctor. Sasha laughed, a humorless, breathy noise.
"I.. well, it's silly and .. it was very arrogant of.. of me. I thought that ah.. well. I thought that this was me, at first, and now I feel terrible for even thinking it. The hair.. well." Her cheeks grew even redder as she set the figurines aside. Sasha finally lifted her gaze, intent on meeting his eyes.
"You said.. you said that you didn't want.. apologies. From me." Sasha shook her head, emotion swirling in her pale eyes. "But. Regardless.. I am sorry, doctor. I.. I was afraid."
She still was. He was a complex man. When he spoke of love and friendship, all she could think of was the dark, dangerous expression on his face yesterday, in the secret room. When his tone took a turn for the gentle, Sasha could hear the mocking, impatient way he'd spoken earlier. It confused her, rattled her. In truth, she almost wished he'd just... punished her with minipet duty or something equally foul before sending her on her way. But was he terrible?
No. Sasha didn't believe he was.
Sasha sighed and closed her eyes, dropping her head once more. Her hair fell across her shoulders, forming a raven curtain around her face, her shoulders. She pressed her palms to her cheeks.
"It wasn't worth it," she said softly. "And.. doctor, I'm." Sasha exhaled quietly, forced herself to look him in the eye again.
"I'm sorry for your loss. Your best friend, I mean. When ah.. when my papa died, I lost my best friend, too."
A pause.
"I ah. After everything I've .. after what I've done, there's.. I feel terrible for even.. for even asking. And. I know I'm.. just a trainee, doctor, but..." She reached for the picture, scraping her thumbnail against the note. Set her jaw determinedly.
"Can I .. visit the storage? Please? I.. you've done so much for me. Already. The flute, I mean.. I just. I don't know why you did it, and I... I'm .. I'm just thankful you did, doctor, but." She shook her head. "I left everything behind when I came here. At the time, it seemed like.. it seemed like the best thing to do."
She shook her head, her eyes dampening. She'd been wrong, about that decision, among so many other things.
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 1:07 pm
Picking up the little female figure she had set down, the doctor gave it an enigmatic little smile that shifted to Sasha, "You share some similarities...some distinct differences, as well, the resemblance is there." He set it down and listened to the girl's request, expression thoughtful. He was quiet for some time after she finished, simply looking at her. Finally he closed the distance, reaching out to cup one pale, flushed cheek, thumb swiping away the glimmer of a tear forming in the corner of her eye.
"And likely it was, my dear. Would you have made it this far, clinging to your former life? Deus is a different world, and on some level you likely realized it." His gave a small sigh, "But it is regrettable that your former home is no longer as it was. I'll have your belongings moved out of your family's vault and into a personal storage for you."
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 3:05 pm
Sasha stilled as the doctor reached forward to cup her cheek, almost tensing without really meaning to. The movement was small, there and gone, before she relaxed against the doctor's palm.
She fought the urge to cry, instead offering the doctor a slight little smile. It didn't completely extinguish the sadness that shimmered in her eyes, but it was genuine nonetheless. He was right, after all, about Deus being a different world. A fresh start. No more living in the past.
"Thank you, doctor. For ... for everything, I mean."
Sasha pulled away from the man, took a step back and sent a nervous glance towards the door. She hoped Jerry and Bix weren't horribly worried. Biting her lip, she turned her attention back to the doctor.
"I feel like I .. I still feel terrible, sir. For.. for all of this." Sasha paused. She felt like her disrespect, her actions, warranted some sort of punishment. Was it horrible that she almost wanted to be in trouble? If only for the simple reason that it would make her feel better?
At home, with her papa, when she found herself in trouble it was a given that punishment would soon follow. A sharp tug of the ear, a quick slap to the face; they were all merited - she'd always done something to upset him. Asking too many questions, broken dishes - once she'd forgotten to lock up the garden and by morning all of the mint and lettuce had been destroyed thanks to a pesky rabbit.
This was different. Not only had the doctor taken the time to explain each and everything that she'd gone through when she'd ransacked his desk, but he was also returning her personal belongings to her. He was being gentle. Reassuring.
Guilt. Shame. Even now, despite his careful touch against her cheek and his compliance to her request.
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 3:14 pm
The doctor gave her a wistful smile, "I see...do you want to make it up to me, Sasha?"
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 3:26 pm
Sasha cleared her throat.
"It would make me feel... better, doctor. Sir. To ah. Make it up to you? Or even to um.. to thank you. For being so generous.. and understanding. I'm pretty good at cleaning, or maybe extra duties in the labs?"
Something, anything, to at least ease a little of the guilt that still plagued her.
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Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 3:30 pm
The smile widened, "I seem to short an assistant for the coming months, would you be willing to take over for the ah...less technical aspects of her job?"
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