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 Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:20 am
"No... nonono I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry I was... I kept... she was always so..." It wasn't that he didn't... LIKE the way she was... but how come this was so much easier? The ease is what seemed to frighten the fragile man the most. Was it because it was a guy? Or because it was a trusted friend, a trusted brother... the man who'd saved him from dangers and the danger of himself so many times... or was it because she had hurt him and he wanted to hurt her back?
He couldn't shake her from his brain and he was going to scream, but instead he wrapped his arms around him to hug him tighter, his face tucked against his neck and shoulder.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:32 am
It wasn't Jordan; it wasn't, he wasn't and he'd known it. Loneliness and need and pressure and fear, confusion and revenge, all mixed up together until neither of them knew how to sort it out. Jordan swallowed hard and held onto Jerry more tightly, silently grateful that they were alone and didn't have to keep up appearances for anyone except themselves. "It's okay," he said into Jerry's hair. "I've got - I've got your back, man."
He squeezed his eyes shut, hurting for his friend's pain and for his own. Why couldn't he just have this, just for a little while? It was such a stupidly selfish thought.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:42 am
"You... you're my brother, Jordan. Family. I wish... I wish I'd had someone like you around growing up," Jerry sniffed, trying to hold himself together, but was content to stay in his friend's embrace, face still buried in the safe scent of him. "Things... things would have been different, I bet. But... but I have you now and... and you'll always be family to me. Okay? I love you. I really do."
He just... wasn't sure he wanted to have sex with him.
He wasn't sure he wanted that with anyone. Just their love. Just this. And he was happy to have it.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:51 am
"Yeah, I - yeah," Jordan said, and leaned against Jerry, not letting him go just yet. "I know. We're family - you can always," he said, and had to stop again, swallow the ache down and breathe. "If you need me," he said. "I got you. You don't have to, to. Anything." He went quiet again, breathing as steadily as he could. He'd known already, been stupid anyway, hurt himself.
At least he was certain now. It wouldn't ever be anything besides affection, besides a brotherly trust. That could be okay. It would. He hadn't ******** up the friendship with his moment of selfishness.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:06 am
In a daze of the adrenalin, Jerry straightened a little to press his lips against Jordan's cheek before settling against his shoulder again, "I'm sorry. I'm... I'm pathetic. I'm only good at... at destroying bathrooms and relationships and remembering lyrics."
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:13 am
Jordan shook his head a little, slowly reclaiming his calm. "You're good at all sorts of things," he said. "It's fine. It's okay ... " There was a certain comfort and ease in just being close, holding his friend, even if that was all it was. It was okay, they'd be okay.
Ferros rumbled wordlessly and settled in Jordan's mind, the sense of watchful tension in him easing.
Crisis over? Jordan asked tiredly, not quite able to muster up any specific feeling about the whole thing.
You're not going to blow up, break down, or get any, Ferros said. I'm tired. Don't wake me up unless you're going to go do something really stupid that I need to tell you not to do.
Thanks. Really. Thanks.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 1:19 am
"I'm sorry I can't... that's probably why she... it's me, Jordan. It really is. I want... I want to be able to just..." It was dark out now, the stars twinkling up above them as he slowly pulled back, but kept his hands on Jordan's arms. The distant lights marking the pathway back to the facility glinted off his glasses as he looked away in shame. "Thank you. For... for caring. For... for being there. For me I mean. I know I'm a weird guy, ahaha we're all weird guys but. But. I want to just be myself again. It's been a lot... a lot to swallow and. Just. Thank you. I've never had friends that were so... y'know. Close. Um. Even Robert in his own way. But.. But I always feel more optimistic when you're around."
He cleared his throat, glancing out at the ocean picked out in starlight, "Tomorrow will be... interesting. The mission, I mean."
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 11:57 am
"You're my friend," Jordan said, and shrugged a little, sheepishly. "I never really had friends. Not that I could trust. That's - more important." He swallowed again, still embarrassed by the raw vulnerability of what he'd admitted, what he was letting Jerry see and what he was seeing in return. "I don't always feel like I know who I am either," he said, barely audible over the surf.
The mission tomorrow. "Yeah," he said after a moment. "New experiences for everyone."
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:42 pm
"R-realy?" Jerry sniffed, gaping at Jordan in the gloom with a look of disbelief. "You? But you're so... I don't know. I would have thought you'd be really popular." He smiled softly, happy for the change of topic and cleared his throat.
"Tomorrow... when you um. If you see any monsters just... go easy on them, ok? Let the lambs do the work. Ahahahaha..." The laughter was the sort of nervous giggle that preceded stage fright.
But tomorrow would go well. He didn't want to have to attack Jordan though. He wanted to tell him, to warn him, but... no. That would compromise the mission, wouldn't it? Defeat the purpose of a controlled surprise attack.
He would be a good solider, even if he couldn't be a good Man.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 12:51 pm
Jordan shook his head, quirking a small smile. "Just ... normal. Tried hard at that."
He gave Jerry a long, thoughtful look; there was more to this than his friend was telling him, but if Jerry wasn't telling him, there was some reason behind it. He wouldn't push it. "Gotcha," he said. "It's for their experience anyway, huh."
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 2:19 pm
"Normal, hah!" Jerry laughed again, digging in the sand absently, "As for the newbies... they're er. A sassy lot, I'd say. It'll... be good for them. Character building. Hopefully you'll be alright without me. Bix is a good guy and a good shot."
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:15 pm
"I prefer being a weirdo, yeah," Jordan agreed, not offended; it was true enough that he hadn't been normal. Just faking it. He raised an eyebrow at Jerry. "Whenever somebody tells me that something I'm going to be doing builds character, I start worrying," he said, and chuckled a little.
"Oh, yeah, Bix," he said, remembering suddenly. "I haven't worked with him yet, but I'm sure it'll be fine. I still need to talk to him tonight, make sure we're not going to be contradicting each other or whatever tomorrow."
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:34 pm
"He's a good guy. Kept me mostly out of trouble when we were in charge. Before you were promoted, ahahaha. I'm sure you remember," He gave a dismissive wave, "I... I'm going to stay out here a while longer. But um. Thank you. For the um. The support and. And everything. Good luck tomorrow." He reached for Jordan's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze of support, the starlight glinting off of his glasses and meek smile.
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Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2012 5:40 pm
Jordan nodded, letting his hand stay in Jerry's a moment longer than he needed to before he went to stand up. "Be careful, okay?" he said, then, "Thank you." He took a breath, realized that he had way too many things to say and nothing at all at the same time, and left it at that, adding only, "Good night."
He made his way slowly up the path, watching his feet so as not to stumble in the dark and trying not to think about anything at all.
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