|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:09 pm
He nodded to the first part. It was always good to hear that they were doing well. Just as he was on the verge of asking if they read to the baby or not, he was asked his own question, one he had not positive answer to.
With distant, sad eyes, Damian gave just the tiniest hint of a smile.
"It has been almost a year... A year, and while I have accepted that things will not change, I still feel the grief."
Silver eyes went from Richard's shoes to his eyes. Those soft, brown eyes could make Lorey feel comfort, and eventually would be the eyes of a father, but they could not make him feel as though this would be alright someday.
"How on earth did you deal with this, Richard? I never truly understood what you have managed to live through until now."
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:23 pm
Richard sighed nodding slowly as he swallowed a bit. "Damian...I'll be honest....it took me what felt like several years to even get to the point you're at now..." He stepped in, sighing as he gazed out into the country side.
"Really... I'm just glad you seemed to skip the self destructive phase. Its a dark place my friend. One thats hard to pull yourself out of..." He looked to Damian, knowing he needed some actual advice though, that pertained to him.
"...Really...to start the healing process... you need to forgive yourself. Thats what Lorey taught me. Sure you may have accepted she's gone, even accepted how it was an accident and how you cant change anything now... have you thought about yourself?" He asked, going to take a seat on a near by chair, leaning back to look up at Damian.
Richard was looking older. He had a few gray hairs starting to pop out here and there, which gave him a sophisticated air, more than usual. His worn tired face was still a bit work, maybe an extra wrinkle on his forehead, but other wise, much the same, yet much happier and peaceful.
And it was all due to Lorey, but also him letting go of his past. He no longer help the look of a haunted soldier, heartbroken and near suicidal.
"Damian..." He laced his fingers together, resting on his leg. "Do you have any...ah- I dont know...guilty feelings? Regrets that your holding onto? things you wish you couldve done or are putting blame on yourself for?" He asked point blank, gazing up at the well dressed man before him.
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 4:53 am
The self-destructive phase? Of course he went through that. It was more thoughts and crazy mood swings, but Damian had contemplated suicide so many times that the very impact it should have had on him was gone. But each time, he never went through with it simply because he knew Raquel wouldn't have wanted that.
The Centurion way of doing things was to always hide behind a mask of luxury and apparent comfort, never letting the outside world see the turmoil underneath. But Richard wasn't the world, though.
To answer his question, Damian first had to really think. How could he tell this to Richard without sending the man back into his own shell?
"Richard... of course I do. Every time I think of the circumstances of her death--" Immediately his voice became choked, and he had to turn away out of shame.
"A dumpster!" he suddenly hissed. "A dumpster was her original tomb, from some hit and run. Do you know what I think of, Richard? I think of how she must have expected me, in those final moments, to magically appear out of nowhere to save her, like always! I imagine how she must have felt when she finally realized I wouldn't come, because I didn't know where she was. She hadn't told me! She had gone out into that vile city alone, where common sense tells you to travel in packs. But I knew she'd once been on her own, and she'd developed such beautiful strength, Richard. So I let her go alone. I let her go..."
Damian began crying anger tears that clung to his eyes and blurred his vision of the opulent room before him. None of that beauty replaced the one he had lost.
"I couldn't save her! Just when everything had been solved and we were finally back to the carefree love we had before, after working so hard to keep things together because we knew we loved each other so faithfully..."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 10:08 am
Richard stood slowly, hearing him out with a solemn but understanding expression. Once he finished, Richard looked to the ground thinking before speaking again.
"Thats how I felt with Rose Damian...." He eased, eyes fixed on th hardwood floor. "I felt iif I had just stayed home that day, or even further back, just stopped the damn insvestigation...she'd still be here...." He swallowed a bit, a look of sadness washed over him.
"But what time and circumstances has taught me is that there's no changning it.... That I can sit here for hours telling myself how its my fault and maybe it is! Damian maybe you could have gone with her, maybe you could have stopped her! But you didn't, and you have no way of knowing if tha was really the reason behind it all... It. Was. An. Accident. What happened has happened and you need to start letting her go. Stop holding onto these emotions as if she's still here...." He looked up at Damian, coming up to place a warm hand on his shoulder.
"...Its not easy... Do you know how many vices I chased? How many women I came on to just because they reminded me a bit of Rose? I had hoped I'd get to see her again in little things through women I met, hoping taht seeing her smile, or hearing her laugh again would help me...Damian it didn't....it jsut drove me further into insanity...." He shook his head.
"...The day Istarted to heal...was the day I accepted that I could ....feel whole again without her...." He looked up at Damian, trying to look him in the eye, despite the tears. "...I found Lorey....She brought me up and into the light of living again.... I'll never be able to thank her enough for that... I know its hard to say you'll ever love again, and maybe you wont. Maybe you'll find your love and heart in something else....take up a hobby, do charity work, anyhting to give you purpose to yourself again hm?" He offered, giving him a few pats on the back since he was pretty sure hugging was out of the question.
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 11:11 am
"It wasn't an accident!" he said with such venom that once the words escaped, he, too, was taken aback. "It was murder. Someone out in that forsaken city murdered my Raquel!"
Damian's breathing quickened to the point where he felt light-headed. His anger and frustration couldn't be taken out on Richard, he knew, so he just settled on turning away once more until he could speak clearly.
"...I understand what you are saying. But I am not at that point where I can just... move on. Not yet. It is like the phantom limb syndrome, where though the part of you is gone, you still feel that pain running through you. Perhaps when your child is born I will find some reason to move on. Did I tell you?" he asked Richard. "I want to set up a savings account of sorts for your child. Make sure that education and finances are never low... for all of you. I know that you are capable of getting by yourself, but say your speeder dies and there's no money for a new one. Emergency funds, I suppose..."
Damian stopped his string of words, letting the silence fill the space between them again, if only for a moment. Maybe what he was already doing was what Richard had meant, he realized.
"A-and Teagan, I want her to have a flourishing business. And Nat, I still have him as a groundskeeper, you know?" Damian pulled his fingers through his hair anxiously.
"I cannot help myself... but all of you, I believe I can. Even the cat is pampered."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:25 pm
Just as he said it, little Trinity came sauntering in as if on cue, adorned in some lavish collar, rubbing up against Richard's leg as a greeting. Richard stayed silent a moment before looking up.
He understood Damian's anger. Someone had murdered Richard's wife just as Raquel was murdered. But even after years of pursuing her murder with no luck...it still didn't change the fact she was gone and he may have been able to prevent it.
Though what caught his attention was Damian's new promise of monetary help. Usually Richard would be very much against it... but maybe...maybe Damian needed this. So he merely nodded, looking his friend in the eye. "...Thank you then... But only emergency money alright? We can take care of ourselves, but we are like one big family.... Just promise me you'll come to us when you have problems alright? No hiding out here alone...I mean a man can only stay in solitude so long before he goes utterly insane." He tried to joke though knew form his own experience Damian was always going to be at that brink of insanity with this grief. It wasn't something one could get over just like that...let alone a year...it took much much longer....
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:36 pm
Damian nodded a few too many times. Yes, he would help with anything they needed or wanted. He would buy them a palace if need be.
"Yes, yes... I will come. Lorey tried visiting the other day, but... I wasn't quite ready for guests. Would you apologize to her for me?"
In honesty, Damian had held himself up in the library to have a break down. He couldn't allow Lorey to see him and get upset. Not when she had to worry about the baby as well.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:43 pm
"Of course..." Richard nodded, wondering if he should excuse himself soon. "You know...I'm leaving in a few days on a job...Its one of the long ones, but its nothing dangerous thank God. The shipment's light and easy as well so I'll be able to hurry home...though the reason I bring it up is that Lorey and I were going to have Teagan and Nat over for dinner...and I wanted you to come too. Get you out of the house and around those who love you hm?" He offered, giving Damian a slight touch on the arm to try to get him to consider it.
"Its nothing fancy... just old friends enjoying each others company..." he offered with kindness in his eyes and voice.
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 2:49 pm
At first, Damian's brain went to an immediate 'no.' But with the gentle way Richard extended the invitation, he found himself nodding.
"Yes... I'll come. If you'll excuse me while I change into something a bit more casual..."
Damian left Richard with Trinity to disappear upstairs and change into a fairly nice pair of khakis with a dressy shirt. Still rather formal, but far more casual than what he had worn before.
--
When he came back down, he had a bit more color to his cheeks and a bit of a light in his eye that he'd been lacking for a year. This kind of outing hadn't been done in that long, and it was time Damian came out into the world of light, even if his heart was still cast in a deep shadow.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:01 pm
"Ah there he is." Richard smiled widely, going to get his jacket. "You'll love this Damian i Swear it. Lorey's become quite the cook and I hear Teagan and Nat are bringing soemthing as well. So its bound to be a delicious home cooked meal. That and I had a surprise I have been working on for Lorey so the dinner is really just a way to distract her enough so she doesn't try to go snooping it out." He gave one of his classic winks as he headed towards the door.
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:08 pm
"Heh..." Damian followed like a puppy. He was at the mercy of the gracious people hosting him, though he had butterflies in his stomach just thinking about how he would be received.
There was only one way to find out, though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:01 pm
-------
The next day Nat had woken up rather early, so that he could finish up his chores and other odd jobs early, so that he'd have more time to help Lorey with the furniture. He didn't have to be there until later in the day however, so now was a good time to simply get caught up on things around Damian's home.
He had looked around for Damian everywhere, trying to ask him a simple question about the hedges, though as usual, the reclusive man proved to be rather elusive as well...
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:10 pm
Damian was upstairs in the music room, in a remote area of the house for the sake of privacy. Though eh already had that in abundance, he didn't want anyone to hear him plucking away at the strings of Raquel's old guitar, trying to make sense of the chords and strings. He wasn't bad for a beginner, but Damian had no formal training despite his various books and tutorials. The human element of the music was lacking.
He needed to try, though. To keep that last bit of Raquel alive, he needed to try so that one voice she had couldn't be silenced...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:16 pm
Nat usually gave up by this point, but he had been putting off those infernal hedges far too long, and needed to get them done or face Damians wrath.
Which he wasn't too worried about, but he did need this job. So he searched him out until he could hear a distant yet familiar sound. He furrowed his brow, following the noise until he made his way into the music room,where he found Damian cradling Raquels beautiful old guitar, trying to figure out some form of chord or another.
Nat was shocked at first to be sure. But he didn't leave, nor did he make some off hand remark to startle him. "...You're thumb isn't on the back of the neck..." He spoke, approaching him gently. "Your thumb should never come up over the neck and be visible unless you're using it to assist in a chord... Though other than that...you're not half bad..." He offered some kind of compliment, trying hard not to be over protective that this man was holding Raquel's guitar. Though he reminded himself this was the man she loved, and it softened that fact then.
|
|
|
|
|
|
- Pocket Full of Ashes - Crew
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 15, 2009 7:25 pm
He did as he was told, which made playing a lot easier all of a sudden.
"Thank you..." Damian whispered. He looked up at Nat with almost something like shame in his eyes. Maybe it wasn't right for him to be playing what wasn't his, maybe the guitar should have been put to rest like she had been. But he couldn't find it in him to put this away, too...
"How long have you been playing?" he asked as his eyes went back to the strings. "I heard you in Veratia. You're very talented, and not just with yard work."
A chord was played once more with Nat's advice in mind, sounding much more harmonic than before.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
