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Apparently I'm being productive (on the writing front in any case) this week. Don't expect it to last! razz
Also, the ending to this chapter is very, very new, so let me know if you think it works or not.

Chapter 2

Swords and fire haunted Sarri’s dreams. When she finally awoke, she found herself in the forest, tucked between the folds of a large blanket. Birds sang from their hiding places, the gentle breeze still blew from the south; nature was untouched by the night’s slaughter
As she remembered, Sarri’s chest constricted. She had been far from happy in her village, but surely no one deserved this. How could an entire village be massacred? Men, women, children; people she had known her entire life. How could they all be gone?
Slowly, Sarri pulled aside the blanket. ‘Blanket?’ she thought. Where on Kenah had that come from? An image leapt into her mind of a tall, young man. He must have brought her here and put the blanket over her. What had he said his name was? Though, whoever he was, he didn’t seem to be around. Sarri wasn’t sure if she wanted to be alone.
‘Hello?’ she called, nervously.
The only answer was a soft whinny behind her. Looking round, she realised she was in the company of a large, chestnut brown horse. Sarri smiled; she liked horses. Two large travelling packs sat by its hooves. The man had not left. At least she was not alone – even if she was in the company of a strange man who seemed to change his appearance as he pleased.
Thoughtfully, Sarri folded her blanket into a neat square. When finished, she stood, and then nearly fell over. Sarri scowled. This always happened when she over-stretched her powers. She would feel ill and off-balance for days now.
‘So you’ve finally woken up,’ said a voice from behind her.
She whirled round, then clutched her head in pain.
The man laughed, softly. Though he was fully clothed, his hair, which was just long enough to be tied back, was wet. He must have been bathing at the stream when Sarri woke up. She blushed slightly at the thought.
‘Fen,’ she thought suddenly. ‘His name is Fen.’
‘Weren’t you taught not to creep up on people,’ she growled.
‘Yes, but I never really listened.’
‘Obviously,’ she muttered.
‘You should sit down,’ Fen said, ignoring her. ‘That headache will last for days if you don’t rest.’
‘How would you know? And how did you know I had a headache?’
‘Because when you use a vast quantity of your powers in one go, it is common to pass out, and react like a sore-headed bear when you wake. Does that answer your questions?’
She nodded, and then groaned as she did so.
‘I’d also advise you not to move your head too much, it just makes it worse.’
The glare Sarri gave him was pure evil.
Fen held up his hands in mock surrender. ‘Forget I said anything’
‘I will,’ Sarri replied, sitting down. Despite her headache, his cheerful attitude was infectious, almost comforting, in fact.
The horse whickered. Fen went over to him, stroking his mane fondly. ‘Sarri, meet Moonbeam. Moonbeam, meet Sarri.’
The horse nodded, making a small smile creep to Sarri’s lips. ‘Hello Moonbeam.’ Turning to Fen, she added, ‘I think I’d better go back to sleep,’ and leant against a tree, closing her aching eyes.
A while later she heard him rummaging around in his travelling packs.
‘What are you looking for?’ she asked, opening her eyes.
Fen turned round. ‘Saucepan, spoons, that sort of thing. It’s gone midday so I thought I’d better make us something to eat.’
At the thought of food Sarri’s stomach did a somersault. Fen correctly interpreted the look on her face. ‘If you feel like eating, that is.’
‘I think I’d be sick if I ate.’
‘Fair enough. I’ll make enough for you though, just in case.’
Fen gestured at the ground. A small fire sprang up.
Sarri gaped at him, unable to believe what she was seeing.
‘How…how did…how did you do that?’ she stammered, eyes wide.
He laughed again. ‘The same way you do.’

She continued to gape at him. ‘You mean you’re a sorcerer?’
‘Mage,’ he corrected. ‘Sorcerers deal in Aldes-fle, which is designed to cause pain and destruction. I’d never touch the stuff. Seeing Sarri frown, Fen quickly explained, ‘Aldes-fle means black magic.’
‘Are you a mind reader as well?’
‘Now, that would be useful. Sadly, no.’
Everything was as Fen had expected. Sarri was amazed, and slightly confused. But her next question surprised him.
‘Why did you talk in a different language?’
‘Huh?’
‘Aldest-fle, or whatever it is.’
This threw him. How many people asked about language before anything else? He smiled slightly, remembering it was one of the first questions he’d asked.
‘Words associated with magic are often spoken in the Old Language, that’s the language I spoke in. As the name suggests, it’s the oldest speech in the world…well, that we know of. According to ancient lore, originally all people spoke in the Old Language, but of course language evolves. Anyway, the important thing is that the more ancient a language, the more closely it is related to the original speech of the gods, which is the source of magical power. Thus when some mages speak in Old Language, their powers are intensified by…’

Around half an hour later, Sarri felt as though her entire body had been crammed with information, much of which was only loosely connected to Fen’s original explanation. To her surprise, she was interested by much of the mage’s monologue, even if she had not entirely understood some parts. And it was nice to have another human bother to explain these powers, to explain anything, as if she, Sarri, was worth their effort. Not that it appeared to take much for Fen to share his astounding amount of knowledge.
Fen looked up from the soup he was preparing (though in such an absentminded way that it was starting to burn) with a sheepish expression. ‘Sorry, I tend to go on a bit at times. If it happens again tell me to shut up.’
‘It’s alright.’
‘Really? Most people tell me off after a few minutes.’
‘Really… If you go over the top in the future, I’ll stop you. Ok?’
‘A perfectly acceptable deal.’ Fen flashed a mischievous grin before becoming serious once more. ‘Anyway, I think, no, I know you have the ability to become a very powerful Magi-Ele.’
‘Powerful? Me?’ Sarri squeaked. ‘But I can’t even control my hands.’
‘Your hands?’
‘When I…when I get angry or embarrassed my hands go all hot. If I can’t control them, fire goes up my arms. My village saw it happen, that’s why I had to leave…’
Sarri trailed off. She had not meant to say this much.
‘That sounds like Relan when she first arrived at Paco Magi,’ Fen said thoughtfully. ‘Relan is a good friend of mine, and a strong Magi-Ele. When she first arrived at Paco Magi she had that problem; she still loses control sometimes.’
Sarri frowned. It hadn’t occurred to her that even powerful mages could lose control. Gods, tales of great mages had only ever been that: tales. While she knew she had some kind of magic, she had never really thought of it as being the same thing that (so the legends claimed) toppled kingdoms or overthrew servants of dark gods. She was both proud of and scared of her powers. They had always seemed beyond her control, not really hers.
‘But I’m just the drunkard’s daughter,’ she whispered. ‘How could I be a mage?’
‘I don’t know. Nobody knows why one person has magic and another doesn’t. But the fact is you have a talent that shouldn’t go to waste. I saw you extinguish flames that many more experienced mages would have trouble dealing with alone. In my mind it can only mean one thing.’
Sarri studied his sharp face. It looked completely serious; even his blue eyes had turned grave and thoughtful.
Fen sprinkled some herbs into the soup. ‘I was wondering…no, never mind. You must have friends or family somewhere.’
‘My mother died when I was born. All I know is she was from Tiras. I don’t have any other family.’

It was that which Sarri did not tell him that said the most. Fen could picture her childhood easily: friendless, no family besides her father. And the rueful way she’d rubbed at her skin when she said her mother was Tiran spoke fathoms about the villagers’ attitude to her. The typical Hynesse person was pale, blond and blue eyed. Sarri would not have been able to forget that she was different to them in every way possible.
‘It must have been difficult,’ he murmured.
Sarri blinked hard. ‘You have no idea,’ her voice nearly inaudible.
Fen quickly looked down at the soup; he had a feeling that if he tried to respond the girl would rapidly be defeated by tears. As he cast around for a way to change the subject, he decided that the soup was probably now as edible as any of his cooking could be. Reaching into a bag for his bowl, he absent-mindedly extinguished the fire with a small concentration of power.
Sarri sighed. ‘I wish I could do that.’
‘Do what?’ Fen was genuinely puzzled.
‘Do what,’ she repeated disbelievingly. ‘You just put out that fire without blinking!’
He shrugged. ‘I can’t remember a time when I couldn’t do little things like that. These days, I suppose it doesn’t take more effort than blinking.’ Seeing an opportunity to distract Sarri further, he added, ‘Besides, I am rather powerful. I’ve been a black robe since I was fifteen.’
‘Am I supposed to be impressed?’
‘Slightly. Actually, a lot. The colour of a mage’s robe shows how powerful he or she is. Black robe is the highest you can go; and I’m the youngest living. Not that I boast about it. Well, not often anyway.’

Sarri laughed. It felt strange, she had barely laughed all her life, let alone with some foreign man she scarcely knew. She did not even know what he was doing here, in Hyn. It seemed that he was following those men, but why?
When she asked, he replied, slightly hesitantly, ‘I shouldn’t really say.’
‘Why are you being so secretive? You can’t be a noble’s secret eye or anything like that; you don’t look older than twenty.’
‘You’re right, I’m nineteen.’
Sarri looked at him carefully. ‘You mean…?’
He laughed.
‘Yes, I am, to put it crudely, a spy. I don’t work for your Queen though. I actually work for – Well, Paco Magi is technically a school, and officially it doesn’t even exist. Suffice to say the situation is complex.’
Sarri nodded, wincing.
‘Good. Now come here.’
‘Why?’ she asked suspiciously.
‘Because I’m going to make your headache better.’
Sarri grabbed a tree branch for support, and walked the few shaky steps to him. He got up just in time to catch her as she fell.
‘He’s huge,’ Sarri thought as he helped her to sit. Her head barely reached his shoulders.
‘Try to relax, it’s much easier if you do,’ he told her, placing a hand each side of her head.
Breathing deeply, Sarri tried to do as he said. It was hard, as she felt very conscious of the light pressure on either side of her head. Men who came this close to her rarely had good intentions.
A strange tingling sensation spread from his fingers around her thumping head, cooling the pain until it was no more than a faint nagging. After a moment’s hesitation, the coolness eased down her neck and through the rest of her body, removing the aches the previous night had gifted her.

Fen took his hands away. The dark blue fire of his magic that had surrounded Sarri’s head disappeared.
‘Feel any better?’ he asked, shifting back.
‘Yes. Thank you.’ She hesitated, and then asked: ‘Could I do that one day?’ She sounded hopeful, almost afraid of the idea that she might be able to heal.
‘No,’ Fen told her, gently. Seeing the disappointment in her face he quickly explained, ‘You have a different type of magic, one of the Netae-Fle, or Natural Magics. It’s much older than the common types of Human Magic. You don’t have to use spells, just concentration of the mind.’
‘You don’t either,’ Sarri pointed out.
‘Some people need to use gestures and spells. I usually don’t.’
Sarri rolled her eyes, but said nothing.
Fen continued, ‘Of the Netae-Fle, you have the skills of a Magi-Ele.’
‘You keep using that word, what does it mean?’
Questions, questions, questions. Fen liked this girl; he would have to be the worst kind of hypocrite to believe that curiosity was anything but a good sign in a young mage.
‘Roughly translated it means Element Mage. Properly translated it means Mage of the Elements. Well, actually, there is some debate about the...’
‘Fen!’ Sarri interrupted.
‘What?’
‘Shut up!’
‘I asked for that didn’t I,’ he groaned, half-laughing at the same time.
Sarri had told him she had nobody to go to. Maybe he should ask her. It would be breaking about fifty of Paco Magi’s rules, but he didn’t have many qualms about breaking rules.

Fen suddenly became very interested in pouring the partly burnt soup into his bowl. Sarri was starting to wonder if she had offended him, but after a minute he continued as if he had not stopped.
‘Element Mages use one of the two types of Natural Magic, the other being Animal Magic. But because they’re dealing in Natural Magic they can’t use any type of Human Magic, like healing or spell casting. Or Dream Magic for that matter,’ he added, almost as an afterthought.
‘Dream Magic?’
‘The magic that seers use; the genuine ones anyway. The huge advantage that people like you and Magi-Anli, sorry, Animal Mages, have is that you spend hardly any energy doing things that even I would find tiring.’
‘What like?’ Sarri found it hard to believe that Fen found any magic difficult.
‘With proper training, you could talk to elementals, whereas I couldn’t if my life depended on it. What’s so funny?’
When Fen had mentioned talking to elementals, Sarri had started to laugh. The idea of not talking to elementals was absurd to her. Fen’s bemused look only made her laugh more, but eventually she explained, ‘I’ve been talking to Eath, the earth elemental that sort of lives here, since I was four.’
Fen shook his head. ‘I should’ve known, after seeing you handle that fire.’
With an unpleasant jolt, Sarri realised she had forgotten about the fate of her village.
‘What happened to it?’ she hesitantly asked.
‘I placed a containment spell round it.’ Somewhat anxiously, he ran his free hand through his hair. ‘The fire burnt out early this morning.’
Sarri turned away. ‘What if someone was in there?’
‘Sarri… You heard the Raiders talking. Do you think they left anyone? Do you think I would have left anyone to die like that?’
With that, the reality of the situation finally hit Sarri.
‘It’s stupid really,’ she whispered, tears trickling down her cheeks. ‘I used to wish they were dead sometimes, but now…Oh gods.’

Fen watched, not knowing how to act, as silent sobs racked her body. Every few minutes Sarri would mutter something unintelligible. Finally she calmed down, and lay curled up on the ground. Her breathing deepened, so he assumed she was sleeping. Quietly, he placed the blanket back over her, and started to eat his soup, first picking out the burnt bits.
‘They’re gone, Eath.’
Fen looked towards Sarri. Eath? The elemental Sarri mentioned? How had Sarri managed to reach their realm so quickly?
‘I know, I know…He seems nice? What do you mean by that?’ A pause. Sarri was sounding puzzled now, with only a hint of despair left in her voice. ‘Eath, if you don’t tell me what that’s supposed to mean… That isn’t very helpful. Eath!’
Fen turned away. Private conversations, even when technically taking place in another realm of existence, were private. He had, however, become firm in his decision to look after Sarri.
‘She is not going to be happy,’ he thought, grimacing at the thought of what Mage Alsi, second in command at Paco Magi, was going to say. Putting men and women together in a Master and Apprentice partnership was an old taboo, only broken in the most extreme circumstances.
Sarri, though no longer speaking clearly, continued to mumble angrily for some time. The elemental was obviously still being unhelpful. It was strange; elementals had a certain amount of control over their territory (though most changes were difficult for humans to observe), influence animals if they wished, and sense people, but they rarely became deeply involved with humans. Yet Sarri was talking to this Eath as though it was a parent. The relationships between mages and elementals usually progressed no further than a bond of mutual respect, not –
‘Fine,’ Sarri snapped. ‘I’m going.’
Though his train of thought had been broken, Fen smiled; she sounded very annoyed and completely distracted from the fate of her village. Which, by any intelligent guess, was probably what the elemental had intended.

Colours flashed past Sarri as she left Eath. She was determined to find out what the elemental had meant by asking if she ‘would go’.
‘What did Eath mean?’ she asked Fen as soon as she saw her surroundings clearly.
‘What by?’ he asked, not looking as surprised as she’d expected.
‘I was talking out loud, wasn’t I?’ she sighed. ‘Eath is always on about it to me.’
‘If you became my apprentice I could help you with that.’
Sarri sat up sharply, pushing off the blanket.
‘D-Did you just say what I think you said?’
‘Yes.’ Fen laughed, presumably at the astonishment on her face.
Sarri had never believed that she could become anything special. This was her chance to prove herself wrong. Then she remembered something that made her heart sink.
‘What about your job?’
Fen reached up his sleeve and pulled out something in a leather sheath. He threw it to her, saying ‘This should help out.’
She did not need to draw the dagger’s blade to know what it was. Two barely visible runes were stitched into a strap on the sheath, and the same ones engraved on the hilt. Sarri ran a finger over them.
‘They say Paco Magi,’ Fen told her. ‘There’s a nice bit of magic on them. People without magic can’t see them, and those who do barely can unless they’ve had contact with Paco Magi. It’s a very complicated spell but useful…It helps people working for Paco Magi recognise each other…’ He paused, almost awkwardly. ‘I can teach you how to use it. And a sword. That should keep you safe, along with your magic.’
Sarri did not look at him, instead examining the dagger. She shivered, remembering the feel of metal against her skin. As the memory returned, so did her caution.
‘You’ll need to tell me everything,’ she told him, half expecting a refusal.
Fen, in a manner that continually contradicted most things she had come to expect of people, nodded. ‘What do you want to know?’
‘Where do you come from? Where’s this school – Paco Magi?’
‘In answer to both: Tiras.’
Sarri started. ‘You’re Tiran?’
The same country as her brown-skinned mother.
Fen smiled in a way that suggested he understood Sarri’s expression. ‘You’d probably fit in better than me, though not many people care about skin colour.’ Seeing Sarri’s disbelieving stare, he explained, ‘it was a large empire some centuries ago, the rulers were half decent, and I suppose everyone has grown used to each other.’
Once Sarri digested this concept, she murmured, ‘I speak a bit of the language.’
‘Why sound so ashamed about it? That’s excellent… But where did you learn it?’
‘Last winter some foreign traders got stuck at our village in a snow storm, and couldn’t leave for a month. They were offering to pay for somewhere to stay, and I was desperate for money. This woman was sorry for me, I think, because my house…it wasn’t nice. We could hardly ever leave, because of the snow, so she taught me Common to pass the time.’
‘Useful. It would certainly make it easier for me to teach you. Want to demonstrate?’
Sarri paused. She had never spoken Common to anyone but the trader woman, and did not want to look like a fool. Fen, seeing her hesitation, waved a hand dismissively.
‘Another time, then. The other question was about Paco Magi?’ Sarri nodded. Fen sighed a little wistfully. ‘What can I say? It’s my school, my home, the most beautiful place in the world, and completely secret. Magic has been banned for centuries in Tiras, but the fortress-school of Paco Magi, has continued, hidden under spells like thick cobwebs, passing down wisdom and shelter to those who need it…’
This time, Sarri did not stop Fen from speaking, but let his words wash over her, building up a picture of the castle in her mind.
‘You’re a good story-teller,’ she told Fen, when he finished.
He shrugged, modest for once. ‘I can be poetic when I wish. I read hundreds of books at Paco, so I suppose I’ve picked up the technique.’
‘It does sound amazing.’ After thinking for a second, she asked, ‘But why are you here? What have organised bandits got to do with a Tiran school?’
Fen sighed heavily. ‘These aren’t just raiders, they’re Raiders. They’re an army. A secret, silent army designed to destroy the resilience of a country before all out war.’
Sarri’s eyes widened. ‘But, why would anyone want Hyn? It’s a tiny country…it was such a tiny village.’
‘Tiny villages like yours, when added together, produce huge amounts of wealth and resources. And…Sarri, do you want me to go on?’
She nodded fiercely. ‘I want to know why they did this.’
‘Ok.’ Fen frowned. ‘Hyn is small, but it’s rich from farming estates, and makes a lot of money from taxing traders travelling through its borders using the river Lea.’
Sarri nodded; she already had a vague idea about this. ‘The trouble is that few countries care much about Hyn as it’s so out of the way, and its history with Leasen is far from peaceful.’ This Sarri also knew – everyone in Hyn knew about the constant border skirmishes between the neighbouring countries. ‘It’s an easy country to take advantage of, and its geographical location makes it an ideal attack base. Kjin rulers have wanted Hynesse land for years…the current emperor’s Raiders are getting the job done very well, and making it impossible for your Queen to retaliate.’
‘But it’s simple!’ Sarri cried. ‘If a Tiran knows, then she must. That…that Karkji can’t attack us and…’
‘But it’s not simple,’ the mage interrupted gently. ‘It’s politics. Unless it can be proved that Karkji’s responsible…let’s just say that outright war can have complex repercussions from other countries.’
‘We suffer either way!’
Fen’s face darkened. ‘I’m well aware that it’s always the poorest, most helpless people who face the worst of it. I’ve tracked those cloaked-bastards for the last month and seen what they do. Besides you, I’ve only found one other survivor, and in the end I couldn’t save the boy. And the worst part: that particular band of Raiders were Hynesse recruits.’
Sarri’s mouth dropped open. ‘W-what?’
‘Every country has thugs who will do anything if you wave money or a title in their direction. According to Paco Magi’s latest information, they’re doing most of the dirty work in Hyn, and Karkji’s emperor can deny all knowledge while quietly building his armies.’
An enraged sob broke through Sarri’s throat. Her palms were so tightly clenched against sudden, scorching heat, that she could feel her nails drawing blood. She had not even thought about it before, but that sergeant had spoken Hynesse. How could…? How dare…?
Gentle hands clasped her wrists. Fen was kneeling in front of her, his eyes guilty.
‘You’ll hurt yourself,’ he said. ‘Let go.’
‘I can’t. The fire. I can’t.’
‘It’s your fire, it obeys you. Right now it’s obeying your emotions, but if you tell it to go, it will. Just breathe slowly.’
Sarri drew a ragged breath, trying to reach the state of mind that allowed her to reach the elementals realm. After a time, she was concentrating so hard on breathing that the heat drew back from her palms. She glanced up into Fen’s eyes.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘No, no don’t be. It’s my fault. I went too far. I’m sorry.’
He looked at her palms as she uncurled her fists. A small gesture with his left hand healed the few cuts her palms had suffered.
‘There.’ He sat back. ‘Now you know how, controlling it in the future will be easier when you sense it coming.’
She nodded weakly. Against everything else, his words brought little comfort. ‘Is that really all it’s about? All this for a bit of land? You can tell me. I’m fine now.’
After a moment’s hesitation, Fen did as asked. ‘It’s partly because of that. But as for the overall why –’ he shook his head, the darkness returning momentarily ‘– it’s the old story; a madman gets a throne but still wants more power. In this case, Emperor Undlik of Karkji. And he’s not going to stop at Hyn; besides the Raiders, he employs sorcerers and a lot of soldiers. That’s why Paco Magi is involved. We’re able to keep ourselves a secret in Tiras, but we don’t need another opponent that, quite basically, would be a far greater challenge. The Tiran army obviously doesn’t use magic; Karkji does. If Undlik gets near Tiras, Paco’s mages won’t just be fighting off the Tiran armed forces, but Raider sorcerers, and…I’d rather not think about what the school would be turned into by Raiders.’
‘So you fight them.’ Sarri nodded in approval. She wanted to fight the Raiders too; to make them pay for destroying so many lives, for trying to destroy her, and for trying to destroy the image of the mage school she now held tightly in her mind.
‘Of course.’ Fen’s tone changed to one of compassion. ‘If you wish, I can take to someone who’d look after you. But I promise, if you came with me, you’d be safe. It wouldn’t just be your sword and magic looking after you, it would be me.’
Sarri almost gasped. He had barely known her for a few hours, yet this man was offering her greater friendship than people she had known her entire life.
‘Why are you doing this for me?’ she wondered aloud.
‘I can’t abandon you, can I? Besides, I like you,’ he added, smiling at her.
Sarri blushed slightly.
‘You’re not so bad yourself.’
A silence followed, which was broken by Sarri’s stomach loudly rumbling.
Fen looked up. ‘Thunder? And it was such a nice day.’ He then asked if she’d like some soup. She glanced at the congealing mass, and declined.
‘I could always warm it up,’ he told her, a small fire appearing as he did so.
Sarri looked from him to the bowl of soup to the fire. She didn’t know why, but she trusted Fen. He had told her so much, so he must trust her. And he made her laugh; nobody had ever tried to make her laugh.
‘Ok,’ she said. ‘I’ll be your apprentice.’
He grinned. ‘Let’s celebrate! You want some soup?’
She grinned back. ‘Why not.’

Sarri finished her soup at a speed that Fen had only ever seen in the most suspicious of street children.
‘Do you always eat this fast?’ he asked in amazement.
‘I’ve always had to; I never had much time between working at the mill and in the wheat fields and looking after Father.’ She fell silent, a thoughtful look in her eyes.
Fen put a cleaning spell over his cooking equipment and cutlery, and started to tidy them into his packs. Sarri silently handed him the further away objects. When he thanked her, she seemed surprised. Fen watched the girl closely as they tidied the make-shift camp. While she showed no sign of her earlier, disturbed mind set, he doubted that she had forgotten about her village and the Raiders. Still, if he remained cheerful, hopefully Sarri’s mind would stay off the subject for now. Fen had not lied when he said that he liked her, and he was determined to take care of her. Sarri deserved to smile.
‘We should get going soon,’ Fen told the girl. ‘I need to meet a contact, and ask her whether the Raider situation has been resolved. When I reported last night, her team were going to intercept the last of them. She lives relatively near here.’ He he had a feeling Sarri would like this surprise. ‘You and Relan should get on well.’
‘That powerful Mage you told me about – the one like me! She lives near here?’
‘Her family does. They’re nobles and own land everywhere. Paco Magi’s operatives in Hyn would be in trouble without her, as she’s got the magical equipment we need to contact Paco from a long distance. I contacted her while you were sleeping, so she’s expecting the two of us.’
Sarri looked up from packing the blankets away.
‘How far away is she?’
‘A couple of days walk. Moonbeam could carry us both if needs be, but I’d rather not tire him in case there’s an emergency further along the road.’
Sarri nodded. ‘Why did you call a brown horse Moonbeam?’
‘He has a tiny, white, crescent moon behind his left ear.’ Fen could never understand why people did not see it.
Sarri checked, raised an eyebrow, then observed, ‘It’s more of a curved line than a crescent moon.’
‘It is not!’ Fen replied, pretending only slightly greater outrage than he felt.

She shrugged. ‘If you say so.’ Sarri had a feeling Fen was sensitive where his horse was concerned.
‘Do you want a hand up?’
‘A hand up where?’
‘Onto Moonbeam.’
‘I can walk,’ she replied, trying, and failing, to sound confident. “For now at least.”
He looked at her with some concern. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Isn’t that for me to decide?’
‘Apologies for defying your wishes, your ladyship.’
Sarri rolled her eyes. ‘Men,’ she muttered darkly, as Fen tied the packs onto Moonbeam’s saddle. For some reason, the ritual of packing made her feel different, as if she were part of something. Something worthwhile, and certainly something better than before. She was an apprentice to a black robe mage who worked for a great school of magic. That kind of person changed things.
Fen took Moonbeam’s reins. “Come on, we go West for now. We’ll be out of the forest around evening.”
Sarri nodded. West, then. West to being a person who changed things. West to better things. And West with someone she could finally trust. But when they reached the edge of the trees, just as the sky turned red and gold, and a line of midnight blue glowed upon the horizon, Sarri reached out, and brushed her fingers against the rough, mossy bark of the nearest tree.
‘Goodbye, Eath,’ she whispered.
Then she quickened her pace to catch up with Fen, and did not look back.

I took a break from reading to read the interlude. I am now thoroughly dug into Fen's spine, with my neck wrapped around his side. *creepy image* XD

I lurrrrrrrrve it. Fen is so cute. Normally I dislike bad grammar, but Fen just comes across as cute for it. I knowed it.

It's very nicely put together, and it's clear that Annia is the star. I like her; it comes through that she loves her family.

Did I mention that mischievous Fen is totally awesome?

Also, you missed a 'was' in "Finally, it her son’s bedtime". Whoops.

Alem's explanations seem rushed, but I understand word restraints. If made longer, that would be my only spot of complaint.

=) Oh, look, I commented!

Lonely thread will be lonely no more (for a few moments). =3=

I am a creeper, wrapped in such a way around such a small frame. Hrumph.
Just saying, if you wanted to go over it again and revise and such, that would be the only spot I'd ask to be changed/lengthened. =]

Fen's cuteness is da stuff. >=3

*begins to override his nervous system* Soon I'll reach the brain stem...

Hmm, I wonder how he would react to the slow numbness spreading through his body....

WOAH Finally. I am SLOW AND LAZY. Yes.

Chapter One REVEIWISH THING or something

As I said before, you left out the r in 'through' in the first line.
Poor unfortunate mouse. =[

"to wrap her shawl round her that bit tighter"-- I believe that 'tighter' would be more sound as 'more tightly'.
You interject with parentheses a lot. Most of the time those seem like they would be better in this form--self demonstrating sentence--but it is a bit of personal preference, as I've been told to avoid parentheses in formal formats. =/

"long skirt required by village tradition"
...After this line, I hope you don't think that real women never wear dresses. It's fine if Sarri doesn't like it, but don't pull a Graceling and make the whole story your anti-marriage author tract. (If you can't tell, I did not like that book.) In fact, due to the fantasy universe, it might be Department of Redundancy Department to state the tradition, since most tradition is that tradition. If anything, the description of tradition is distracting.

....Does Sarri know how to read? I'd assume not. Also, even if she doesn't talk much to others, why doesn't she have an accent? You could say she listened more to Eath in speech, but most of the others all have that accent...
My untrained mind defaults to cockney reading those, by the way.

"Making sure her father could stand, Sarri advanced on the group..."
The dependent clause "making sure" would denote that she was continuously making sure while simultaneously advancing. Picky, I know, but still grammatically incorrect. (Something like 'she made sure her father could stand, and then advanced on the group' would be clearer.)

She's actually quite good at controlling her emotions, isn't she? I think my only complaint would be at how fast it starts--as you know, I'm a fan of slowish pacing, though I think this is improved by not dwelling on the past. Fen just makes things cool, apparently.

"that he could not recognise his own kin; that he forgot his wife’s death, so many years before."
I think this would be improved as this: "...that he could not recognise his own kin, that he forgot his wife’s death so many years before." I'm pretty sure that semicolons connect independent clauses; the comma may also be unnecessary, especially if you change it. Remember, clarity is important, not necessarily when a pause occurs.

I think a few of Sarri's inner conflicts and descriptions, which occur after her feelings have changed to horror, would go better before the fire-hands. You describe her despair after the fact rather than before. It's a matter of flow and preference, really. Remember that we are probably trying to fill in the blanks on her feelings there, and placing them after the revelation of her magic clutters the narrative.

A moment is 90 seconds. Actually quite a long time. Of course, this is a matter of description; I also point out that 'decimated' means 'reduced by one-tenth' whenever I see it used as 'destroyed'. Sarri probably only stood for maybe 20~30 seconds at most. At most. Yes, this is the kind of stuff I think about.

‘’‘Careful,’
A carat? ^ Typo? British formatting? ???

Other than my nitpicking, the description is lovely, especially concerning Sarri's life and abuse in that section. It really gives a great sense of build, so that you wonder what she'll do next.

"She did not know how long she had been running; only that walking here normally took her half an hour."
Again with the semicolons.

It occurs to me that Sarri must be entirely lonely. She's got no sense of belonging among regular humans, and the other realm is distinctly non-human.

"If looking carefully (which it was impolite to do) trees or animals could be seen..."
The addition of 'it' seems unnecessary, and parentheses would probably be better as -- --.

"to loveall"
Forgotten space.

"a doting carer for animal, plant and human alike."
Seems like it would connect better with a comma.

Body body body body body
That word pops up a lot.

(To be continued laterz since my comp wants to restart)

DK - Thanks for reading smile Can you remember any of my mistakes? I've already taken out a fair few in my manuscript, but as you can probably tell from Ser's comment, I am quite bad for not noticing nitty little things!

Ser - Are you sure you like this story? XP You see, THIS is why I need editors. Can't see the grammar for all the words - or something like that!

The mouse is foreboding pathetic phallacy. I was rather proud of it. razz

Sometimes I put colloquialisms in because I am, to a small extent, reflecting the opinion of whoever's the subject of that section. So, e.g. I'm in the process of making Fen's sections more formal. I also fall in and out of using parentheses - these days I usually go for dashes, but I keep overlooking parentheses every so often. (Like I said, I've edited so much I stop noticing things after a while!)

Again, this is an attempt to reflect Sarri's position on the matter. Understandably, she doesn't really like clothings that makes it difficult to move. But it does sounds superfluous at the moment - I'll have to rephrase it more effectively.

Cockney....noes! It's supposed to be a more general countryside accent. A linguistics student who read the short story pointed out to me that I'd probably be better off researching how to write real life accents, and steal from those. When I'm suitably derelict of other entertainment, I will have to do so!
Sarri... her father was an alright kinda man before he became an uber-alcoholic, so he actually taught her a tiny bit of the Hynesse alphabet when she was very young. You then get the strangeness of Fen having taught her to read Common (which I'm thinking I may change to Tiran, to avoid the cliche), yet she can't read her own language.
And she will have an accent when speaking Hynesse (again, she's mostly taught Common by Fen, so she doesn't have an accent speaking that) - I wanted to get it right in the monor characters before spending ages putting it into her dialogue.

How did I miss that!?

She is. The trouble is that she's got so much pent up that when she does express emotion, she does so rather explosively, as seen.
Chapter two slows things down a fair bit. 'Tis a deliberate contrast. mrgreen

So, it turns out that I was never told how to properly use semi-colons until the last year or so. My English teachers up til I was eighteen pretty much told us to use 'em as a way of making your grammar look more impressive. So while I knew that they were used in long lists/etc when too many full stops could be confusing, I was only told about the indpendent clauses thing recently, and there's no way I could possibly root them all out by myself!
...You see why I need editors!?

Hm, I'll have to see if I can move any of it around. I was going for the idea that this fairly dramatic event was making her rethink her life somewhat. I could add in a sentence or two beforehand to suggest at this lot, if that'd help?

Doh.

DOH! WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN...

Thank you. smile

Again. sweatdrop

Pretty much. (I'm sorry Sarri!) Why do you think she's so awkard around people? The only being she can relax around isn't human! (And turns out to be one of the Great Elemental Spirits, not just your average elemental.)

Doh three times over!

Body... *looks* ...oh dear.

Yay for computers with minds of their own.

*Edit*
I haz made changes. I can haz cookie?

What is a 'krej'?
That poor man. He doesn't even know what the world of fangirls could release upon him.

I'll take a cupcake. Very happily. smile

Ohhhh, iseewhatoudidthere. smile
Alexander is rather cool, I will admit. Ian's still my fav though!