Funny E-Mails You Have Recieved =:)=

[sloweiser]

Groaner:
*******

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear
up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear,
"Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been
going on?" The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really
need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like
this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle,"
the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead,
"Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he
said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and
all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke
in three places."
*********************

 

[sloweiser]

*****************
> A Summer Skirt Situation...
>
> As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking
> woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
> come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
>
> Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
> reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
> would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the
> step, only to discover that she couldn't.
>
> So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
> unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
> step
>
> Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
>
> With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
>
> little more and again was unable to take the step.
>
> About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
> up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
>
> She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
> "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
>
> The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
> with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured
> we was friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Bureaucrats at work !!!
*********************
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for
a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The
title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months
to track down.

After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon
review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that
the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the
able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must
point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral
property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it
will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of
origin identified in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by
Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by
Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India
by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

"The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as
much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition.

"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the
Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore,
I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world
called Louisiana.

"I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

PRAY FOR ME
************
>Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After a while,
>The preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.
>Bubba gets in line. When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what
>You want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray
>For my hearing." So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the
>Other hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes, he
>Removes his hands and says, "Bubba, how's your hearing now?" Bubba says,
>"I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in Baton Rouge.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DMV
****
> "After spending nearly half a day enduring the long lines, surly
>Clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a
>Lady stops at a toy store to pick up a baseball bat as a gift for her
>Son. "Cash or charge," the clerk asks.
>"Cash," she snaps. Then, apologizing for her rudeness, she explains
>"I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am way past
>Sane."
>"Shall I gift-wrap the bat?" the clerk asks sweetly, "or are you going
>Back there?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Idiot sightings..
*************
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
>repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
>"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that
>we had the largest one Sears made at that time a 1/2 horsepower. He shook
>his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2
>was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two."
>We haven't used Sears repair since.
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ ________
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
>neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
>removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer
>are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for
>them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS.
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
>
>IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered
>a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He
>said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. He was a Chef?
>Yep... >From Kansas City!
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
>airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
>your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
>would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
>Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
>the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
>mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
>signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
>on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in
>Wichita , KS
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
>was leaving the company due to "downsizing. " Our manager commented
>cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word
>was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
>deer-in-the- headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
>into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her
>system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office,
>no less.
>
>___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
>
>IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
>to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
>to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
>the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
>instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
>"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I
>already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,
>Mississippi!
>
>
>
>STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and they REPRODUCE as well as VOTE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

********************
> DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
>
>Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
>middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
>twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
>man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
>Lebanese?
>
>Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
>Violence On My VCR?
>
>Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even
>sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
>
>Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on
>the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend
>should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
>money with him.
>
>Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and
>when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it
>would never happen again.
>
>Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who
>was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
>
>Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do
>I get out?
>
>Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00
>an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
>
>Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
>drank until one night he came home sober.
>
>Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
>through mental pause.
>
>Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
>sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex
>and he is a doctor. Now what?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

*************************************
>> Summary of my Last Year on the Internet
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop
>>
>> in the glue
>>
>> on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
>>
>> that
>>
>> needs sealing.
>>
>>
>>
>> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
>>
>> reason.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
>>
>> Brown)
>>
>> who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I
>>
>> no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
>>
>> the
>>
>> $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
>>
>> participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer
>>
>> worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,
>>
>> and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer
>>
>> eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks
>>
>> with no eyes or feathers.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
>>
>> water
>>
>> buffalo on a hot day.
>>
>>
>>
>> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
>>
>> forward
>>
>> an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>>
>>
>>
>> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
>>
>> remove
>>
>> toilet stains.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
>>
>> so a
>>
>> serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I
>>
>> no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
>>
>> products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
>>
>>
>>
>> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
>>
>> microwave
>>
>> anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
>>
>> pricked
>>
>> with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
>>
>> perfume sample and rob me.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually
>>
>> Al
>>
>> Qaeda in disguise.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
>>
>> our
>>
>> American troops or the Salvation Army.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
>>
>> number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,
>>
>> Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
>>
>> free
>>
>> replacement pair from Nike.
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
>>
>> their recipe.
>>
>>
>>
>> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
>>
>> brown
>>
>> African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when
>>
>> it
>>
>> bites my butt.
>>
>>
>>
>> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
>>
>> live
>>
>> a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything And
>>
>> thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in
>>
>> the
>>
>> parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
>>
>> waiting
>>
>> underneath my car to grab my leg.
>>
>>
>>
>> Oh, and don't forget this one either!
>>
>>
>>
>> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
>>
>> companies!
>>
>>
>>
>> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people in the next
>>
>> 47
>>
>> minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 PM
>>
>> this
>>
>> afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing
>>
>> you to
>>
>> grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
>>
>> to a
>>
>> friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's
>>
>> cousin's beautician.. .
>>
>>
>>
>> I no longer shake hands with men or women as they may have just masterbated
>>
>> and did not wash their hands
>>
>>
>>
>> Have a wonderful day....AND
>>
>>
>>
>> A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that
>>
>> people
>>
>> with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their
>>
>> hand
>>
>> on the mouse or their keyboard.
>>
>>
>>
>> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Dog Chow Diet
*************
> *I have two dogs. I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at
> Wal-Mart and was standing in line to check out.
>
> *
>
> *A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that
> no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably
> shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I /had/ lost
> 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
> coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
>
> I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
> that it worked was to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then
> simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
> nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
>
> I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
> now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
>
> Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
> because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been
> sitting in the street licking my privates and a car hit me.
>
> I thought that one guy was going to have a heart attack since he was
> laughing so hard he had to stagger out the door.
>
> Stupid lady...why else would I buy Purina dog food??*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH and MEN who can handle it]
******************************************************
_WIFE VS. HUSBAND_

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws".

_WOMEN'S REVENGE_

"Cash, cheque or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with
me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally."

_UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) _

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid
of a spider.

__
_CREATION_

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!

_WHO DOES WHAT_

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed
says........ .."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece.

*SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Eye Drops
*********
Scientists have just released Viagra in the form
of eye drops. Apparently it does nothing for your
sex life but it makes you look really hard.
~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Marvel Comics buries Captain America
********************************
NEW YORK -- It's a funeral fit for a superhero. In the drizzling rain at Arlington National Cemetery, thousands of grieving patriots solemnly watch as the pallbearers - Iron Man, the Black Panther, Ben Grimm and Ms. Marvel - carry a casket draped with an American flag.

Yes, folks, Captain America is dead and buried in the latest issue of Marvel Comics' "Fallen Son," due on newsstands the morning after Independence Day. After 66 years of battling villains from Adolph Hitler to the Red Skull, the red, white and blue leader of the Avengers was felled by an assassin's bullet on the steps of a New York federal courthouse.

He was headed to court after refusing to sign the government's Superhero Registration Act, a move that would have revealed his true identity. A sniper who fired from a rooftop was captured as police and Captain America's military escort were left to cope with chaos in the streets.

But the sniper didn't act alone, and didn't even fire the shot that killed the captain.

Writer Jeph Loeb has been busy working through the stages of grief in his most recent titles. A book centered on Wolverine dealt with denial; one with the Avengers covered anger; and Spider-Man battled depression.

With the story line so relevant to present-day politics, and the timing of the latest issue so precise, it's hard not to think the whole thing is one big slam on the government.

"Part of it grew out of the fact that we are a country that's at war, we are being perceived differently in the world," Loeb said. "He wears the flag and he is assassinated - it's impossible not to have it at least be a metaphor for the complications of present day."

But Loeb says he was working with more personal material: the death of his 17-year-old son from cancer.

"So many people have lost their sons and daughters over the years, for the greater good or to cancer or other horrible things," said Loeb, an executive producer for NBC's "Heroes." "I wanted this to be something people would identify with."

In the final frames of the book, the Falcon delivers a eulogy asking superheroes old and young to stand up and honour Captain America. Loeb did a similar thing at his son's funeral.

"It was this moment where I realized that we were all different, but this boy, my son, made us all connected," he said. "It was powerful."

Captain America, whose secret identity was Steve Rogers, was an early member of the pantheon of comic book heroes that began with Superman in the 1930s.

He landed on newsstands in March 1941, nine months before Pearl Harbour - delivering a punch to Hitler on the cover of his first issue, a sock-in-the- jaw reminder that there was a war on and the United States was not involved.

Since then, Marvel Entertainment Inc., has sold more than 200 million copies of Captain America magazine in 75 countries.

In the most recent story line, he became involved in a superhero "civil war," taking up sides against Iron Man in the registration controversy, climaxed by his arrest and assassination.

Marvel says you never know what will happen. He may make it back from the dead after all, although Loeb says that question isn't really important right now.

"The question is, how does the world continue without this hero?" he said. "If that story of his return gets told further down the line, great. But everyone's still been dealing with his loss.

"They aren't going to wake up and it's a dream, like it's some episode of 'Dallas.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Why condoms come in pkgs of 3,6,12
*******************************
*************************************
> >>Why condoms come in pkgs of 3,6,12
> >>
> >>A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to
> >>walk
> >>by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which
> >
> >>the
> >>man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms son. Men use
> > them
> >>to
> >>have safe sex.'
> >>
> >>'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of That in
> > health
> >>class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a Package of 3
> >
> >>and
> >>asks,'Why are there 3 in this package?'
> >>
> >>The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
> > for
> >>Saturday, and one for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy.
> >>
> >>He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for
> >>college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and
> > TWO
> >>for
> >>Sunday.'
> >>
> >>'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a
> > 12
> >>pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are
> > for
> >>married men. One for January, one for February, one for March....... '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
*************************************
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread and
beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Pilot To Tower
************
>> Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
>>
>>
>>
>> Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
>> Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
>> TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
>> here?"
>> Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>>
> >From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
>
>> bored!"
>> Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
>> immediately! "
>> Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
>> Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
>> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the little
>> Fokker in sight."
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
>> to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
>> position?"
>> Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
>> after touching down.
>> San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
>> the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
>> off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
>> following:
>> Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
>> Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
>> Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
>> Germany . Why must I speak English?"
>> Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
>> you lost the bloody war!"
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
>> 124.7"
>> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
>> we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
>> runway."
>> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
>> Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
>> BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
>> we copied Eastern .. we've already notified our caterers."
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
>> the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
>> around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
>> the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
>> make it all by yourself?"
>> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
>> real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
>> I'll have enough parts for another one."
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
>> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
>> location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
>> with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
>> exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
>> sign Speedbird 206.
>> Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
>> Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
>> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
>> Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
>> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
>> to Frankfurt before?"
>> Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
>> didn't land."
>>
>> ************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
>>
>> While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
>> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
>> United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
>> crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
>> turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
>> there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
>> D, but get it right!"
>>
>> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
>> hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
>> sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
>> can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
>> you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
>> You got that, US Air 2771?"
>>
>> "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>>
>> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
>> after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
>> the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
>> cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
>> unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I
>> married to you once?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[sloweiser]

Blonde Mortician
**************
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the
deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man
does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow,
however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and
that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check
and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue
suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To
her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue e suit with a
subtle
chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very
grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician
presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she
says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost
nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought
in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT
COMIN!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~