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 Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:36 pm
xxTechWolFxx But i convince him too come back which i really shouldn't i thought it would have been better for the guild i thought it might have made people happy but no it didn't i just wanted to play with him in zOMG but i told him he was being the same and things weren't the same anymore since people are now just bother by change and cash emo 
>> It was his choice to leave, and I don't think anyone pressured him to leave. So don't go on a guilt trip for nothing D:
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:44 pm
Tech, we both convinced him back.. ._.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:48 pm
hazellyn Tech, we both convinced him back.. ._. sorry i guess i shouldn't keep going on and on with this guilt trip but its kind of hard.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:50 pm
xxTechWolFxx hazellyn Tech, we both convinced him back.. ._. sorry i guess i shouldn't keep going on and on with this guilt trip but its kind of hard. *hugs* I understand, I really do... >.<;;;;
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 6:31 pm
Please do not quote any or all of this post; I may delete it later, and it's easier to ask for people not to quote it than to ask people to delete the parts they quoted from their own posts. sweatdrop
When I read some of these stories...like (a few examples, among many others) severe child abuse situations and rape at an early age and all those things...I get scared and upset, and I guess maybe it's because I'm not used to knowing people who've had this stuff happen to them, and it's kind of like a horror story to me...and there's a reason I don't read such stories. But I never know what to do about it, because obviously I can't tell people not to vent stuff, and usually it's whited out so I can't ask them to do that (but the discussion that follows usually is not, which is usually how I learn what was said...if there was a warning that led to me not reading the white text...which there usually isn't...how many times am I going to use the word "usually"?), so...I basically can't stop myself from hearing about these things and it really upsets me. And I can't even tell people about how upset I get hearing it because that would be blatant hijacking of someone else's life issues...so it's all been pent up inside until, well, just now. Except for the time I told Divine that...well, I should get that out here now; I can't shake the guilt just from telling one person. The ignorelisting wasn't an accident. His stories were scaring me and I couldn't take it.
And this is exactly what happened between me and someone else. Except I was on the other side. One day they just stopped talking to me and put me on ignore and I had no clue why until a middleperson managed to find out for me that it was my constant depressing stories and they were afraid. I'm still harboring emotions over that issue, and it's terrifying to know that I'm basically doing the same thing to other people...except it's somewhat different, because they're posting it in the thread where people are supposed to post that stuff, whereas I was PMing the person...so while they could have just asked me to stop, I can't ask anyone else to stop, and I'm not particularly close to any of the people who are telling things that get me upset, so I try to convince myself it's different, but...when it comes down to it, I'm a life-ruining, thin-skinned, hijacking, hypocritical attention whore, probably the real reason Blood left for the last time, and likely to be the reason other people leave as well.
I shouldn't be posting any of this at all, because it falls under "hijacking" and "attention whore", as well as expressing a desire to control other people's free speech and free vent, and admitting to something that everyone will hate me for, and talking about an issue that was between me and someone else (although I didn't mention the person's name) -- I really need to vent about it sometimes but I know I have no right to. I shouldn't have told any of the three-or-so people I did tell, and I shouldn't be telling any of you now. I also shouldn't be telling you guys about Blood or about how freaked I get when people make perfectly legitimate posts.
I carry all of this around every day. All the guilt, all the self-hatred, all the conflict. And it's all justified. I shouldn't be allowed to vent. I should pay, more than I do. But what I do...I can't stand it anymore. I can't hold it in. I know I'm going to get really upset when you guys all hate me for one of the many, many things I've just admitted to (out of so many things, it's likely that each person reading this will hate me for at least one of them), and I'm going to reiterate my request that you all please not quote any part of this post in case I want to delete it later (which I most likely will), but I don't deserve even that...
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 6:38 pm
I do wish to take over the world. The fact that I really can't do anything to make everything better bugs the hell out of me, and I figure I'd be able to do far more if.... Well..... I had the say.
If I managed to do so, and then made things worse by it all..... Or just failed to improve things, I'd give it up within an instance.
But I wish to try to improve things. If only, if only. So many things that shouldn't occur.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 7:23 pm
I... really hate my annoying brother right now. Seriously. -.-
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 8:36 pm
I feel lost. I can't bring myself to venture into Barton Town because of the sheer amount of work there, and I can't bring myself to move threads in the z!F because of the whole community issue.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:25 pm
I think setting up the appointment with the counselor and my parents getting me a therapy pet is helping. Nothings happened yet but now I see the stepping stones to getting better.
I'm not constantly questioning if Jon's thinking about dumping me anymore.
I may not see the light at the end of the tunnel yet but I got a flashlight.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 9:32 pm
x...x I know a lot of nice people online, and a lot of people I like to talk to. But there are one or two people that I really wish I had never met, for various reasons, and they all seem to be coming out of the woodwork tonight.
Grrrrk. Awkward night is awkward.
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Nespin Fernagon Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:06 pm
Nespin Fernagon x...x I know a lot of nice people online, and a lot of people I like to talk to. But there are one or two people that I really wish I had never met, for various reasons, and they all seem to be coming out of the woodwork tonight.
Grrrrk. Awkward night is awkward.
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:10 pm
Valheita Nespin Fernagon x...x I know a lot of nice people online, and a lot of people I like to talk to. But there are one or two people that I really wish I had never met, for various reasons, and they all seem to be coming out of the woodwork tonight.
Grrrrk. Awkward night is awkward. Not you, silly.
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Nespin Fernagon Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 10:19 pm
Well... came from my friend Ryan's service.
A repressed memory came back, where he got us both in trouble (for some random reason in the 7th grade he started shaking the metal rod underneath the lunch table, having a happy smile as if he was enjoying it. I on the other hand, was annoyed and held the rod in an attempt to stop, but the janitor saw it as I was trying to shake it as well so I had no reason to present an argument since "all you see is all you know" these days...). I didn't forgive/confront him on that issue 4 years ago since I got in trouble I cried a bit and everyone in class was like staring at me... I was so embarassed. But thinking about it now, I wish I talked to Ryan before his untimely death, he can't physically hear me, so that won't give me any closure... I really wanted to say I'm sorry despite him going to say "it happened 4 years ago, why worry about that now?".
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:39 am
I have odd dreams.
In this dream, my family got a third cat. And apparently didn't name it, but knew it was there.
Then I somehow got transported to school, as the next thing I knew, I was leaving the accursed establishment. On the way back, however, I noticed various plumes of smoke from a great many directions. Most of them were gray, but one coming from the direction of my house was black.
It turned out that, hey! There are a million and a half active volcanoes around, and they're all deciding to go off simultaneously.
So when I get to my neighborhood, everybody tells me to turn around and go the other way. To which I say hell no, m'damn cats are in my house. I get back to my house, where the rest of my family was waiting, before going in and getting two of the cats into the car.
The third cat was left behind, for some reason. Don't know why.
So then, on the way to a house we'd apparently obtained within the last hour, all the other white plumes decided to turn black as well. And a lot of the trees were on fire. It was creepy.
And then when I got to safety, all I did was b***h about the cat that had been left behind.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 6:46 am
Divine_Malevolence I have odd dreams. In this dream, my family got a third cat. And apparently didn't name it, but knew it was there.
Then I somehow got transported to school, as the next thing I knew, I was leaving the accursed establishment. On the way back, however, I noticed various plumes of smoke from a great many directions. Most of them were gray, but one coming from the direction of my house was black.
It turned out that, hey! There are a million and a half active volcanoes around, and they're all deciding to go off simultaneously.
So when I get to my neighborhood, everybody tells me to turn around and go the other way. To which I say hell no, m'damn cats are in my house. I get back to my house, where the rest of my family was waiting, before going in and getting two of the cats into the car.
The third cat was left behind, for some reason. Don't know why.
So then, on the way to a house we'd apparently obtained within the last hour, all the other white plumes decided to turn black as well. And a lot of the trees were on fire. It was creepy.
And then when I got to safety, all I did was b***h about the cat that had been left behind.Symbolic meanings? surprised
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