Haaahh.. hah-hah-hah!
Haaahh.. hah-hah-hah!
..Haaaa-haaaaahhh...
This is the SUPER MEGA BADASS MAGICK-SCIENCE THEATRE 2006! 2006! THIS IS THE-UH..
SUPER MEGA BADASS MAGICK-SCIENCE THEATRE 2006! 2006!
---
-[
May 07th, 2006: Mission Impossible 3]-
"
A rather short mage makes his way onto a spaceship's control center, covered in a dark mage's robe and hood, holding an oak walking staff. With a clearing of his throat, he did speak.."
Tom: Hello. My name is Tom. Please excuse the borderline retarded introduction theme - for it was of my co-host, Omi's creation.
Omi: [In the background.] DON'T DISS TRANSFORMERS, b***h! Now, c'mon CJ.. WE CAN LAND THAT AIRPLANE CORRECTLY WITHOUT IT BURSTING INTO FLAMES, I DON'T WANNA HAVE TO THROW MY XBOX CONTROLLER INTO SPACE AGAIN!
Tom: You blasted fool, hurry up with that accursed game! At anyrate, here at the poorly named '
Super Mega Badass Magick-Science Theatre 2006', we review movies. And by review, I mean make horrendous mockeries of them, as most movies are filth and human garbage these days.. You see, we are trying to make enough money to have provisions for our journey about the Earth, to rid it of evil. Omi.. spent it all on a sword. And this spaceship. For the record: I
hate him. Speaking of whom, OMI, GET YOUR STUPID a** OVER HERE!
"
Suddenly, an XBox controller flies by, breaking a window and flying into space. The room begins to be sucked towards the immense gravitational pull of space."
Tom:
YOU MOTHER ******** IDIOT! GAHHHH- [A wall of steel closes over the hole, causing everything to calm down - as Tom falls upon the ground.] ...That is the THIRD TIME YOU'VE DONE THAT THIS WEEK!
Omi: [A swordsman walks over, wearing rather dark clothing with wild, dark hair - his eyes a light shade of brown, his right leg trailing an XBox cord behind it.] ..Well, it ASKED for it. Anywho, viewers, we will now begin the review of
Mission Impossible 3!
------------------
[
MOVIE ANALYSIS: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 3! Filed by: Tom.]
Main Character: Tom Cruise as Super-Spy Ethan
c**t-erm, Hunt, yes.
Genre: Action/Drama/Pathetic Attempt at Trying to Recapture a Drama-Whore's Fame.
Initial Reaction to This Movie's Release: '..You have GOT to be ******** kidding me. Y.. You're serious? Tom Cruise actually broke away from his busy, placenta eating schedule to make a movie?'
------------------
[
In the Magick-Science Theatre 2006's screening room, Omi and Tom were finally ready to watch Mission Impossible 3, starring Tom Cruise as Super-Spy Ethan c**t..]
Tom: [Snickers.] I knew I'd get the computer to say that. Anywho, time we waste a few hours of our lives, Omi. Not that you don't do that daily. [Sits down in the middle of a darkened theatre room, placing a bag of popcorn next to him.]
Omi: HEY, all of the stuff I do is meaningful! [Sits down next to him, drinking a Coke.]
Tom: Yes, like sleeping pointlessly, playing videogames, throwing things from the space station and letting them plumet onto farmers, drawing Hentai Doujinshi of Yuff-
Omi: THAT.. will be quite enOUGH, GOOD SIR! My personal habits are of NO CONCERRRRN to you! [The room dims.] Oh, shh, movie's starting..
Movie Vision
Tom Cruise: ******** the previews for other movies! You all came here to see MINE, NOT THEIR'S!
: ..... [Squints his eyes.] ..Well, at least the whore made it quicker to watch.
Movie Vision
[The Mission Impossible 3 theme starts playing.]
DUM-DUM.. DUM DUM, DUM-DUM.. DUM DUM!Tom Cruise: Wee, look at me! I'm a whiney b***h who couldn't handle a few jabs from a show like South Park! SCIENTOLOGY RUUUUU-UUUULES! [Sneaks along the side of a train.] DUM-DUM.. DUM DUM! DUM-DUM.. DUM DUM! [Suddenly, falls down a hole, into a military factory.] YAAAAHRGGG! I'M TOM CRUISE! [Stands up with a machine gun, as some chick walks by.]
: ...Dude. Even
I have to say, the story of this is shallow and random.
Tom: Hey, she must be the lead actress. Five dollars says he'll eat her placenta.
Omi: Make it ten.
Tom: Deal.
Movie Vision
Tom Cruise: RAHR RAHR RAHR! I MUST DE-ACTIVATE THE BOOOOMB BEFORE IT GOES OFF, Tom Cruise! Oh, this nifty gadget here? An iPOOOOD! Buy it, or Ron Hubbard, starter of the Church of Scientology, will HATE YOU!
: ..Ron Hubbard? What the douce- I remember him, me and he went to the same magician's school well over 10,000 years ago.
Omi: ...Dude. You serious?
Tom: Yes. He ate people's placentas, and was accused of anally raping children, though..
Omi: ................. Some religion. Don't they believe evil spirits infected us thousands of- [Looks up at the screen, and his eyes widen in horror.] DUDE, WHAT THE
DIDDY INFESTED a**l LEAKAGING HELL?!
Movie Vision
Tom Cruise: Oh yes, YES! AHHH, the pleasure! [Squeels!] I'm coming, I'M COOOMIIIIING~
: .... I.. must vomit this refined plastic covered in butter now. [Leans over a seat and proceeds to vomit.] AND WHO IS THAT MAN PROBING HER a**!?
Omi: Uhhgrrggg.. my stomach.. h-HEY, A FIGHT SCENE! ..In a.. placenta factory?
Tom: Bhrrhrrhrhrrrr... [Slowly looks up, then blinks.] ..What the.. deuce?
Movie Vision
Tom Cruise: AHH, TOM CRUISE! I WANT MY PLACENTA, b***h! TAKE THIS, SCIENTIST GERMAN GUY! TAKE IIIIIT! TAKE IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
: ...Is that.. PS2 graphic 3D rendering?
Tom: Is that the ONLY odd thing you've noticed?
Omi: You mean there's more?
Tom: Take a look. There's an extremely large amount of blood near the man's a** - and Tom Cruise is.. thrusting his waist forward, and... ehr..
Omi: ...Dude. ******** WEAK. [Leans over the back of his chair and vomits quite loudly.]
Movie Vision
THE END![A Scientology High-Priest walks up.]
High Priest: Worship that which your souls cannot deny, for Scientology is your way - it is your love - it is your belief! [Begins to ritualistically cut himself.]
: ..!? WHAT THE ******** HELL!?
Omi: ...Woah! He looks like Howard DEAN!
Movie Vision
Tom Cruise: Worship Scientology! Worship Ron Hubbard! DO IT! DO IT! AHH, DO IT! South Park is BAD, VERY BAD MEANY BAD! I am
NOT TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET, LIII-IIIES! LIII-IIIES!
John Travaulta: It is TRUE! HAHERMAN VESTGERMAN VACREITZ!
Tom Cruise: WORSHIP SCIENTOLOGYYYYY! [Holds up a bag labeled 'Placenta'.] WOOOORRSHIIIIIP IIIIIIIT!
THE END II! Dum-Dum.. DUM DUM, dum-dum.. DUM DUM! DUUUUM! --------------------------
"
Slowly, both Omi and Tom made their way into the control room of the ship. Both looked rather weirded out, and slightly disturbed."
Omi: .... Alright, ya know what? I'm gonna go play Gamecube now. [Walks away, shaking his head.]
Tom: Very well, I'll wrap this up.
[
FINAL REPORT, filed by: Tom.]
Movie Summary: More or less what I thought it'd be - a bunch of Tom Cruise-supporting s**t where he tries to claw his way to the limelight again. Except.. there was more. Oh, so very
MUCH more. And it will leave scars in my mind forever.
Best Moment: When that German man punched Tom Cruise near the end.
Worst Moment: Every single waking moment besides the Best Moment. Though, when Tom Cruise bent over that woman and opened his mouth near her crotch - I.. that will have to vouch as #1 of the worst.
Rating:
(Rating Scale:
being best,
being worst..)
Mission Impossible 3 receives a
.
Critic's Final Comment: "Good God. Tom Cruise, you had your good times, like Top Gun and The Last Samurai. But most of the time, you + a movie = a good example of why the human race should not exist. Should you make another movie, I'm going to kill myself. Or you. Whichever one leads to a speedier lack of me being able to see your s**t-tastic movies."
[A Wavebird-Gamecube controller flies through another window.]
Omi: Getting that many trophies SHOULD NOT BE THAT HARD, IT'S JUST A BIGGER VERSION OF BOWSER, DAMMIT!
Tom: God DAMN YOUUUUUUU-
[
End of Transmission.]
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