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 Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 4:39 pm
iColoredWords Okay, I got my profile edited! And after reading it over, I have to wonder how late at night I wrote it xD Because Gaia's time is always off xD
Though there is some improvement from your first submission with your profile, I still feel as if the character was kind of thrown together...(personally, before I posted Orin's profile [my fifth character] I though about him for over a month. Seriously.)
I'm gonna go from the top to the bottom. I know it says you can use an anime picture if necessary, but I have been informed that yours belongs to a popular character from an anime. That in itself will mess with those familiar with the character. Secondly, the picture does not seem to match the age of Amanda. She's supposed to be sixteen, the girl in the picture looks ten. If you need help finding a real life picture, I would suggest modelmayhem.com . You can actually specify what you are looking for on that site.
Dorm Red 10 has been taken for awhile, but Elaine hasn't been able to update that part of the first page yet, so, she'll have to be up on the next floor with Scarlet.
Next, "Amanda has short, brown hair that is very creamy." Okay, it's short, I get it, but how short? Each person has their own definition on how 'short' or 'long' something is. To me, short hair would be anything above shoulder length. So, you could state where it fell, in regards to her person: just below the ears, just above her shoulders, etc.
"Her skin is not too tan, but not too pale, so it is a light peach color." You could avoid this by saying that her skin is a light tan color, dark enough to know she'd seen the light of day, but light enough to know she wasn't a tanning bed junkie.
You could note on whether her oddly brownish-grey colored eyes are a family trait or not. Make her seem more like a person and not like her description is being read off on a mug shot. She's not some other character, she's yours, make her have depth.
"Her eyebrows are skinny and fine, and they're the same color as her hair, except just a tad lighter." Okay, this really irks the semantics lover in me. If her eyebrows are a tad bit lighter than her hair, then they are not the same shade as her hair. Instead, put something like "Her eyebrows are skinny and fine, just a shade lighter than her hair."
"But from the waist down, she's pretty tall indeed" Does this mean she has long legs but a short torso? Probably, but it wasn't noted. Also, exactly how tall is she, you don't say."Her posture is tall and not bent over, and she keeps her back up straight. She postitions her feet relatively far away from each other when standing normally." You could simplify by saying that she has perfect posture, a rare thing in a teenager these days.
With that gone through, it seems as if you were just trying to go around things the long way and stretch them out instead adding that spark. Not intentionally, I'm sure.
Onto the fairytale appearance. You could state why she isn't going with the blues and pinks of Disney's version of Sleeping Beauty. Next, there is no way that her hair would be able to be temporarily dyed strawberry blonde. It's one thing if she was going from blonde hair to black hair, cause that is possible in the 'temporary' aspect. However, in order for her hair to really be strawberry blonde, she'd have to dye it permanently, or wear a wig, there's no way out of that. Scarlet (Alice from Alice in Wonderland) has to wear a blonde wig, but the academy has to force her, at some point, to actually dye it.
Why does the choker vary from blue to orange, is it like, a mood pendant on it? Or, does it have different colored beads? Why a green dress, but blue stockings?
"so she became very mischeivous due to all the revenge and pranks she had to pull on her older brothers and sister." Revenge doesn't sound right in that sentence. "Due to all the payback and pranks she decided to pull on her siblings. They picked on her since she was the youngest, but she rather enjoyed pulling one over on them." That sounds a bit better...
"She's very hard to annoy, due to her light-headedness" Light-headed: giddy; feeling faint or slightly delirious. It would be best to change that word to something else, cause it does seem as if it's due to her dizziness, not carefree personality.
"She can be confident, but sometimes she doesn't appear like it, as she is lightheaded and therefore doesn't look like a brave person." Once again, "lightheaded" doesn't seem to reflect on her positively. "Carefree, easy-going" words like that would probably suit your meaning better.
"Amanda also tries to not make fun of anybody or be ridiculously mean, either." This makes me think that she does like to be mean to others, just not 'ridiculously' so, which would kind of make her seem rude. You could state that it's all in good pranking fun, but we already have a couple of pranksters...Still, prank wars would be a good thing at one point...quite fun.
"She always find herself placing herself in between arguers and trying to stop their fight" So, she doesn't like people arguing...like how far will she go to try and stop them? Or, if it progresses to an actual fist fight, would she risk her safety to try and get them to see reason?
"Her aunt and grandparents also live with Amanda's family, so its quite a packed house." Could you elaborate on as to why her aunt and grandparents lived with them?
"Amanda was homeschooled until age 7, because her parents were low on money and were both unemployed." Also, this really doesn't make sense to me, for I have been pulled out of public school to be home schooled before. It would not be cheaper on the parents to home school her. First of all, they'd have to buy the school books and they have to be accredited, or else none of it would count (which happened in my case). They'd also have to send the attendance records in and such. With four kids, it wouldn't be very cost effective....It wouldn't work if her parents were unemployed...It would be better if they sent her to school, and while the kids were gone, they could go job hunting.
" When Amanda was 12, her grandma died of old age overnight. Amanda never got all to close to her grandmother, so it wasn't the end of the world." Also, if she lived with her grandmother, I'm pretty sure she'd be close enough for the death of her grandmother to bug her in some way. Unless, it was her other grandmother, however it isn't.
" After her grandmothers death, Amanda's mom decided to move to a two story townhome in Springfield, Virginia, because the cottage where they had lived before was the birthplace of Amanda's grandmother and her mother felt it brought back too many sad memories." Okay, I get it, but this was a completely too long run on sentence. "After her grandmother passed away, Amanda's mother decided to move the family. The thought of living in the place where her own mother had grown up and passed away was too much. They ended up living in a town house in Springfield, Virginia." Also, that chunk just seemed like another way to stretch out your profile without much effort. Another thing is, if her parents were unemployed (you never mentioned them getting jobs) how did they afford to up and move from South Carolina from a family owned house to a nice town house?
"Two years after, Amanda's oldest brother, Jacob, went to a community college to study dramatics. When he became succesful, the family moved to New York City so Jacob could fulfill his acting dreams." Awkward as well. The noting of her brother going off to college was just a filler. You didn't put anything personal about Amanda herself in there. Did she miss her brother, was she proud of him?
"When he became succesful, the family moved to New York City so Jacob could fulfill his acting dreams." Do you know how rare that is? First of all, how did he become successful? What gig did he land that sent him to New York? Why was it necessary that his family follow him? Living in New York was bound to be more expensive than Virginia, and a whole ton more expensive than the house back in South Carolina.
"Amanda's friend used to have leukemia when they were very young, so Amanda tends to get sensitive on those types of subjects." Why is she sensitive about it? Did her friend die? My cousin's girlfriend just recently came out of her last round of chemo, and she's leukemia free, however, my pastor is in for a rare form, and one of my friends's little sister passed away this year from leukemia. If you're gonna have her childhood friend have it, you need to have a reason why she's gonna be so sensitive about it? Bad and good things can result from the disease, it's not all negative.
Sorry if it seems as if I was ranting or tearing Amanda apart (also, on the name, we already have a handful of "A" named characters...Andee, Andy, Aquila...so, you might want to reconsider her name...but it's not a necessity), I wasn't trying to be mean at all. I was trying to give you ideas to improve her and make her flow better.
<3 Shauna
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 5:26 pm
Okay, edited again! But I was watching Azumanga Daioh as I typed this and kept cracking up so I probably forgot to edit some things. And I had to go with another anime picture sadly, even though I wanted a real one, because I couldn't figure out how the heck to use the website you suggested xD Tell me if I need to edit anything else!
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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2011 6:50 pm
My turn again. I'm a little surprised by how fast you edited your profile. For most people, it took a week before they got everything hammered out about their character. It took me at least a month on each of my characters to create and understand WHY they act the way they do. When I looked back on your profile, I did not see that many changes. For the effort and level of criticism Shauna and I put into your profile, you did not seem to put the same amount of effort into your edits.
This is not me trying to be harsh. This is me trying to be straightforward. Please bear this in mind.
If you have the time, please look at the profiles that we've accepted. Look how long the paragraphs are and look at the level of detail. Look at their reasoning and their background. Look at how many sentences there are. You don't even have to go that far - look at Orin. See how much was written for his background? That's our standard. Compare it to yours and see if you can make the changes necessary to be admitted into this RP. If you cannot after this third try, I'm sorry, but we will deny you entrance into it.
If you have trouble with the site that Shauna suggested, why not use google images? Or even DeviantART? You can still find pictures there. Those were how I found my pictures originally.
You did not take all of Shauna's points into account which does disappoint me. You did not specify height. From the way you are describing the body, is she pear shaped? You should not have said she had brown hair. If her hair has been dyed strawberry blonde, then you should say that. You don't have to give the original color. If you saw a goth kid with black hair go by, you'd say their hair was black. It was probably dyed black but you wouldn't go "oh that person has blonde hair because their original hair color was blonde." It's just black. Speaking of black, what is wrong with the color black? Why doesn't she like to wear it too much? Your last sentence is not very clear - just say she had good posture. However, that is unusual for a kid her age since very many slouch (I still slouch and I'm a short girl).
In your fairytale appearance, you could add in there that the strawberry blonde hair was actually dye and that she didn't like the idea. You still did not answer Shauna's point in why a green dress and blue stockings? As for the necklace, why are orange and blue her lucky colors? How was she able to choose those colors for her necklace? Was the Academy nice enough to let her choose her own colors or was that something that was passed down with the rest of the costume?
Personality: why does she try to hide her agitation? One would think as mischievous as she is, she would be more open about her feelings. Also trying not to make fun of anyone or being mean in her pranks? If she's pranking people, I'm not sure how it's possible to do so without poking fun at people. You can make it lighthearted joking, but you are still making fun of someone when you prank. Why does she find herself trying to stop the fight? Does she not like violence or what? Again, take in everything that Shauna and I have mentioned before - don't just base your edits on this single post. Include my previous one and hers.
I'll repeat what Shauna said: homeschooling is more expensive than public school. Her parents would have to buy the books, the paper needed, the teachers...and if you say her parents taught her, then that's a job right there (in which case, why become a hairdresser or get a job at a retail store)! Also take into account, if you have a teacher there, and they see that her parents don't have jobs, they might think her health is in danger and call in child services for help. In fact, how were they able to keep the house when they were jobless? Without jobs, they couldn't pay for the water or electric bills. I'm not sure if I'm completely understanding what you're attempting to say there. Try to be a little more detailed there please. Jobs at retail stores and being a hairdresser does not pay all that well...so how did they afford such a nice home after they moved?
Why was she depressed about her grandmother's death? Was it because she started thinking about death in general? Did she try to get closer to her grandfather after his wife's death? How did they get the money to move to Virginia and into a better house? What jobs did they get? This is something else Shauna pointed out to you.
Also, how did the academy get in contact with her? Why would they choose her out of all the kids in the world to be Princess Aurora?
You should also add the leukemia part in your background. That's important history right there and should be there. What do you mean by those types of subjects? Leukemia is one subject. Is it only leukemia that affects her or would other life threatening diseases affect her? You never mentioned how exactly it affected her. Sadness? Uncomfortable? Relief that her friend wouldn't die? Introverted?
Please take in everything Shauna and I have stated in our three criticisms. And please, take your time. There's no need to rush.
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 12:51 pm
POSTAGE! YES!
Though....I really have to throw some cheer at Marcel. He's turning out to be a moody little something-or-other. And that's just not cool....yo...
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Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 1:54 pm
Yay post!
But uh, I won't be making any contact with anyone for the next few days. I've been called away for research and the place I am at only lets me use the internet for a very short amount of time. And that's if I'm lucky to get it. Collecting samples and being on a boat for 7 hours straight is tough. Should be back by Saturday (hopefully...if they don't change the plan on me....again....).
Wish me luck and pray that I don't drown/fall off the boat!
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 9:13 am
So, I haven't posted for awhile, and I'm really sorry. As much as I love this role play, I can't stay inspired long enough to write anything for the life of me lately.
It could be my "SCREW YOU I'M ON VACATION" attitude I've picked up, or the fact that I've felt like crap for the past month, or some other sob story, but hopefully I'll be able to dispell this huge creativity block while I'm deprived from the internet.
It'll definitely be awhile until anyone's going to be hearing anything from me, 'cause I'm pretty sure there's no signal where we're headed off to for the rest of the month. :U
BUT WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IT'LL ONLY BE A FEW WEEKS.
So yeah, sorry about that. I know Shauna and Maddie have been waiting on me for decades already AND I'M SO SORRY ASDFGHJKL;. ;____;
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Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:46 pm
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Posted: Fri Sep 16, 2011 9:08 pm
/casually revives roleplay
Elliptic, I'm sorry if I assumed something in my post for Scarlet that doesn't sit well with you?
I dunno I guess I'm kind of nervous about interacting with anyone's characters that aren't Shauna's asdfghjkl;.
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Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2011 8:53 am
'Tis fine dear, 'tis fine! Truthfully Marcel was heading toward that direction anyway but I thank you for considering my thoughts on the matter. I'll definatlly try to type out a reaction post when I have the time, but the chances are somewhat slim considering my lack of much wanted internets and general writer's block. But I'll still try. It would be a sad thing to have this Rp fade and I want to do my part in keeping it alive.
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Posted: Sun Jan 01, 2012 9:16 am
ah goodness i am doing a really terrible job of keeping this thing alive elaine is probably going to smite me
take all the time in the world darling i don't think we're getting anywhere soon! i think everyone's just been pretty busy lately, and if some of our lovely writers do end up leaving because of it i suppose we'll have to recruit some new blood. i promise i will not let this rp flat out die, though.
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Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 6:53 pm
Just doing my random check ins (:
"elaine is probably going to smite me"
-smite everyone-
Okay, kidding. Glad its not entirely abandoned. And, Randy is (was?) being used, ahhh. I still have the biggest crush on him. Someday, he's going to be in a published work.
Which, is exacly what I've been up to. Writing, editing, editing, editing, editing, editing, SUBMITTING <3, rejection, editing, editing....
Then, performing, performing, performing. Church, church, practice, homework, homework, homework, homework, home work, home work. Job search, job search, arguing with parents about job search, writing, writing, editing, arguing about lack of lincess for all my business, Big Bang Theory, writing.
Glad I left yet? I'm not.
But, I'm glad that even though the post did diminish in consistancy (freak, I could join again at this pace.... But, I won't....), it didn't diminish in quality. Or, from what I could tell, since I only allowed myself to read one Randy post, otherwise I would fall down and cry and cry and cry and cry.
Yay guys! Now, post more! <3
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Posted: Fri Feb 03, 2012 4:26 pm
Holy moly, I'm amazed this is going on... sweatdrop And I feel bad that I couldn't post, but well, it's been a bit tough on me.
I've been taking classes (one of my labs is pretty much 6 hours of work a week), doing research (supposed to be doing 4 a week), an officer of 3 organizations, and am teaching 4 classes. Which if I do come back, it will be very slow...I'm sorry if this bothers anyone and I'm really sorry for being gone so long.
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Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 6:53 pm
shhhhh isa it's fine, you don't need to feel bad! you've been really busy and that's okay, we understand. uvu like i said, i think everyone else has a lot going on too!
(aside from me of course i attend a low standard high school
i just fell into a horrible creativity block and am going to try to dig my way out of it)
and i don't think that a slow posting rate would bother anyone because
well
look at us now
i don't want to come back to this until i'm positive my writing is at its best, and shauna is going to help me with that so!! i will hopefully start posting on a regular basis in due time
but for now i don't think that anyone should really sweat it because it's not going anywhere
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Posted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 10:48 pm
Ahh, please don't count me out yet. Totally still in the process of moving from point A to point B and I don't have time capture some internet time beyond checking on my cell on the posting. But I really would still like to be a part of this roleplay.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:26 am
that's alright elliptic, it's totally fine! you will not be counted out unless you say you would like to be.
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