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koudelkaW rolled 6 6-sided dice:
5, 5, 4, 4, 2, 1
Total: 21 (6-36)
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 Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:26 pm
LOL! Those were brill! Especially the frog one XD
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?
MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?
MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well... where is he?
MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?
MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm... It's warm and moist! What is it?
MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
5, 5, 2, 3, 4, 3
Total: 22 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:30 pm
There was a lady with 4 husbands. One was a millionaire, one was an actor, one was a hairdresser and one was a limo driver. One of the lady's friends asked her, "Why do you need 4 husbands, why not just one?" The lady said, "One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and four to go!"
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koudelkaW rolled 6 6-sided dice:
2, 4, 4, 5, 2, 6
Total: 23 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:34 pm
LMAO! rofl
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.
As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him.
He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
1, 3, 2, 5, 3, 3
Total: 17 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:35 pm
There were three men who had one wish each. The first one said "I want to be the cleverest man in the world." He walked off and built a boat and sailed across the lake. The next one said "I want to be even cleverer than him". He went off and built a ship and sailed across the lake. The third man said "I want to be cleverer than both of them." So he walked across the bridge.
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koudelkaW rolled 6 6-sided dice:
2, 3, 5, 1, 1, 2
Total: 14 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:38 pm
*giggles*
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again." The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
5, 5, 3, 5, 6, 1
Total: 25 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:41 pm
Hehe, nice one about the atheist..
Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
3, 6, 4, 6, 3, 6
Total: 28 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:44 pm
LOL!
A blonde was a little low on money, so she decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She went into this rich neighborhood, and went up to a house. She knocked at the door and a man answered the door. "May I help you?" "Yes I am a handyman, and I was wondering if you needed any work done around your yard." "As a matter of fact I do, I need my porch painted. How much will you charge?", the man asked. "How about $50?" the blonde said. "Okay, the paint, ladders, and everything else that you will need is in the shed." The blonde went to work.
The man went into his house and his wife said "Does she know that it is a wrap-around porch?" "She should, she was standing on it", the man replied. About 30 minutes later the blonde went up to the house. "Done already?" the man asked. "Yes and I had some extra paint, so I put two coats on." The blonde replied. "Great!" the man replied and handed her the $50. The blonde was walking to her car when she turned around and said "Oh, and by the way, it's a ferrari, not a porsche. "
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koudelkaW rolled 6 6-sided dice:
2, 2, 4, 4, 4, 5
Total: 21 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 6:54 pm
Wahahah that blond one was hilarious XD
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence.............
"Well, ******** stop doin it then!"
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koudelkaW rolled 6 6-sided dice:
6, 2, 3, 6, 1, 5
Total: 23 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 7:16 pm
Through a glitch in the space-time continuum, Pablo Picasso, Albert Einstein and George W. Bush all arrived at the Pearly Gates more or less at the same time. St. Peter asked them to prove their identities, and both Picasso and Einstein went thru elaborate explanations of their lives to convince him of who they were.
St. Peter turned to Bush and said, "Both Picasso and Einstein have now proved who they are. Can you do the same?"
A puzzled Bush said, "Who the f**k are Picasso and Einstein?"
St. Peter just sighed and said, "Oh, just come on in George."
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:25 pm
rofl I loved that last one. I've been sitting here reading these jokes to my hubby & a friend- and we're all cracking up. lol
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Deletemeplease80 rolled 6 6-sided dice:
5, 6, 6, 4, 6, 4
Total: 31 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:26 pm
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koudelkaW rolled 6 6-sided dice:
5, 3, 5, 6, 6, 3
Total: 28 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:30 pm
That's coz we distracted you with jokes lol A husband and wife wake up to the sound of someone pounding on their front door at 3 am. The husband answers the door and standing on his doorstep is a drunk getting soaked by torrential ran. "Heyyy! Can you (hic!) give me a push!?" The husband is furious, noticing that the drunk's car is on his lawn. "Are you kidding me?! It's pouring rain AND it's 3 am! I'm not going out in that! Now go away!" He slams the door in the drunk's face and crawls back into bed, as his wife asks who it was. The husband tells her about the drunk. "How could you not help him? Remember that nice man who gave YOU a boost last week when your battery died?" Embarrassed, the man gets dressed, throws on a coat, and runs outside in the wind and rain. "Are you still out there? Do you still need a push?" "Yesh, I do!" replies the drunk. "Where are you?" asks the husband. To which the drunk replies, "On the swing!"
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
6, 4, 5, 5, 6, 1
Total: 27 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:53 pm
hehe, lol. Yeah, I almost forgot to roll before too!
There were two people robbing an apartment. The first one said, "I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!" The second one said, "Are you crazy? We're on the thirteenth floor!" The first one said, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
1, 4, 4, 3, 2, 3
Total: 17 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:54 pm
Once there was a parrot and he swore like a sailor. He belonged to a goody-goody little old man. The old man said, "Parrot, if you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a box!" The parrot kept on swearing. So the little old man put him in a box. The parrot kicked the sides and scratched at the box until the old man took him out. The parrot kept on swearing. The little old man said, "If you don't stop swearing, I will put you in a cupboard!" The parrot kept right on swearing. So the little old man put the parrot in the cupboard. The parrot was kicking the walls and making a lot of racket until the little old man finally took him out. The parrot kept swearing so the little old man said, "If you keep swearing, I am going to put you in the freezer!" The parrot kept right on swearing so the little old man put him in the freezer. The bird was making quite a racket for about 5 minutes then it was all quiet. The Little Old Man was beginning to get scared, so he opened up the freezer. The bird quietly stepped out, his hands folded in front of him. He said, "I will be good as long as I live! By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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isidar_mithram rolled 6 6-sided dice:
3, 2, 1, 5, 4, 5
Total: 20 (6-36)
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Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2007 10:57 pm
I'm running out of jokes..And I can't remember if I've posted this one before or not..
An Irish man walked into a local pub. He ordered three beers at the same time. When the man was on his third round the bartender said, "The beer would probably taste better if you ordered them one at a time." The man replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers who live in different countries. One lives in Australia and the other lives in the United States. We promised each other that we'd always drink this way in memory of when we used to drink together." "I understand" the bartender sighed. The man came in every day and ordered three beers. After two weeks had passed the man came in and ordered only TWO beers. When the man was on his second round the bartender finally spoke up and said, "I'm sorry about your loss." "HUH?" the man said, confused. "OH! No, one of my brothers didn't die. I just gave up drinking!"
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