"1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricature. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. ONe of their children, Cain, asked, 'Am I my brother's son?'
3. Moses led the hebrew slaves tot he red sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. IN the olympic games, greeks ran races, jumped, hurled buscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the batttlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
13. Finally Magna Carta proveded that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
14. In midevil times, most people were aliterate. The greaters writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote and poems and verses, and also literature.
15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
16. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen'. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before the troops they shouted 'hurrah'
17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. ANother important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleight is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
18. The greates writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, asll in Islamic pentameter. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote DOnkey Hote. The next great author was John Miltion. Milton wrote Paradise lost. then his wife died and he wrote paradise regained.
20. during the renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while curseing about the Atlantic. His shopers were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
21. Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
22. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won and no longer had to pay for taxis.
23. delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of INdependence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'a horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1970 and is still dead.
24. SOon the constitution of the US was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
25. Abe Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On april 14, 1865, Lincoln went to a theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assisnator waas John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
26. meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented elecetricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are faling ogg the trees.
27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he praticed on an old spinster he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleoon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephone was a baroness, she couln't have any children.
30. The sun never set in the British Empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. THe 19th century was a time of many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper that did the work of a hundred men. LOuis Pasteur discoverd a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers."
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