|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 3:28 pm
Kori Elzix Chalda Kori Elzix Yeah... I had a mental breakdown last night. Long and short of it... Parents divorce, anorexia, bulimia, suicide and bullying. I don't have any clue what I'm doing anymore. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control again. Thanks Chalda, I appreciate it. I'm doing much better today. Last night I made dinner for myself and four of my friends here. It was pretty good. I'm extremely tired though. I was up until 5 am working on some stupid project thats due on Wed... Something about 'nourishing' your family. I don't LIVE with my family... So how the hell am I suppose to 'nourish' it? ********, we don't even talk to one another. Anyway yeah... Back to this dumb paper I go.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:24 pm
Haven't been able to post much because of homework.
I'm thinking about asking someone out. I've never really had a girlfriend before, though I have been in love with someone who wasn't interested in me. I've been trying to get over her. I find myself thinking about this girl in my creative writing class a lot. I've talked to her a few times and she seems to have a lot in common with me. I'm really nervous about it, that's all. The other day I said something really stupid and embarressed myself, but today I made her laugh, so I'm feeling better.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:01 pm
Go for it! Worst she can say is no and then you can just be proud that you tried.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:04 pm
Drama. I'll have none of it. Certain individuals keep that which they made for themselves. I no longer feel envy.
"Envy"...that's hilarious now. xd
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 1:44 am
Chalda *more huggles* Sounds pretty boring but I'm sure you will do well anyway. Oh, it's horribly boring. I don't expect to get a good mark on it or anything. I wrote some crap about how we talk when we're all watching a hockey game, and that's it. This touchy/feely crap just isn't flying with me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:10 pm
Kori Elzix Chalda *more huggles* Sounds pretty boring but I'm sure you will do well anyway. Oh, it's horribly boring. I don't expect to get a good mark on it or anything. I wrote some crap about how we talk when we're all watching a hockey game, and that's it. This touchy/feely crap just isn't flying with me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:04 pm
My stepmother had a talk with me Monday night, where she inquired why I choose not to believe in God, expressed concern for my soul, as 'the Second Coming is upon us and Jesus could be back any day now'. Which is insane as it is. Okay, first, I do not believe in any divine being. This is not something I control. This is a feeling that is ingrained in me. So to propose for me to change the core of my being out of fear for something to come is not only ridiculous but also kind of cheap. Okay, say that maybe I never really considered God and I come to 'love' him completely and then the second coming happens. That seems like a free ride, in my opinion. A flaw in the system?
She also said this, which completely shattered any selfless image she was trying to create:
"There is nothing I would love more than if we could be a good Christian [sic] family."
So this isn't even entirely about me burning for eternity, this is also about me dragging down the religious synergy of this family with my disbelief.
She asked me to consider God and that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
I wish my eyes could be the size of the moon so everyone could see them roll.
Anyway. Um. Imposing religion. Opinions?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:10 pm
Arg.. And today would be my day to vent, horridly.
What an awful day, right? Right..
I go to the bus stop this morning, like any other day. My friend is there, and she pulls out her pack of cigarettes. No big deal, we all smoke. There's nothing new to that. What she pulls out, is the only thing left in the package, and it by no means is a cigarette. She holds in her hand a nicely rolled joint. My eyes buldge, I want it. So we agreed to make up some flat out, fake story to tell my mom so I could drive my car to school. I drove, and on the way we got stonned as hell. It was good weed, I can't object to that... But it was the fact that I not only smoked it, but was on my way to school!
What the hell was I thinking?..
Eh'..
So then our school officer watches us as we walk into school. I'm so blitzed I can't walk a straight line, and I can't see anything. My ex walked by me, who normally I practically run from. He said hi. I couldn't see his figure my eyes were so screwed up. I only seen the blurred colors of his shirt and his voice that I know by heart. I hurried to class, and this kid. This little innocent kid who's never touched an illegal thing in his life, says, "Nicole, I know you're streamin'.." I was like. "!!!!!!!! Yea'..." And just iggnored him. My teachers knew, I don't doubt it. And the whole day I just walked around. I wasn't paranoid like usual or filled with anxiety. I was really calm. I can't believe I was that stupid. THEN I get this message from the office, telling me to go down there. I'm thinking.. "Oh.. (Insert bad word here.) I'm screwed, some stupid B*tch turned me in." Then I find out my SAS worker is coming to get me for lunch. Even more wonderful.. Right? W.r.o.n.g.
By the time she showed up, I wasn't as blitzed. A friend had some visine, thank god. She took me home, to where my mother is. We had a huge blow out fight and everything I said wasn't good enough. Everything I said couldn't have justified one comment they had to make. They kept bringing up the past, and the more they did.. the more my anger fueled. Then my SAS worker takes me back to school, great. I get a TARDY, which means lunch detention tomorrow. Okay, SCREW THAT. Not only do I have to go out with some dumb a** B*tch that I hate, I have to do it on my lunch hour, and because SHE didn't get ME back to school on time, I have to suffer? Hahaha, No. I don't think that's going to happen. So screw the detention, I'm not going.
Then my SAS worker checked up on my grades. I've got one A, three D's, and an F. Okay, that's what happens when I don't go to school, and I don't care. Then I went to the hospital, I'm flipping working on it now! You can't just MAGIC like bring up an F to an A. I'm so sorry I'm worthless. Boo-fricken-hoo. So my mom flipped over that.. Wonderful.
I come home, only to argue with my mother more, and so I sit here... Just ranting this out because I felt like I needed to.. Some days, I just wish I could go back in time. It's too bad life doesn't work that way. A good day to realize, life is absolutly no way close to being fair, and it never ever will be.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:21 pm
Thomas Neo Anderson My stepmother had a talk with me Monday night, where she inquired why I choose not to believe in God, expressed concern for my soul, as 'the Second Coming is upon us and Jesus could be back any day now'. Which is insane as it is. Okay, first, I do not believe in any divine being. This is not something I control. This is a feeling that is ingrained in me. So to propose for me to change the core of my being out of fear for something to come is not only ridiculous but also kind of cheap. Okay, say that maybe I never really considered God and I come to 'love' him completely and then the second coming happens. That seems like a free ride, in my opinion. A flaw in the system? She also said this, which completely shattered any selfless image she was trying to create: "There is nothing I would love more than if we could be a good Christian [sic] family." So this isn't even entirely about me burning for eternity, this is also about me dragging down the religious synergy of this family with my disbelief. She asked me to consider God and that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I wish my eyes could be the size of the moon so everyone could see them roll. Anyway. Um. Imposing religion. Opinions?
Or if you really want to go for broke you can go to the bible, read it, and take direct quotes of hypocrisy and contradiction in the bible. I'm actually considering doing that. That, or you can go for broke by trying to get her to accept Satan in her life. But you gotta send a message when you do it. She'll say something like:
"Don't be a smart a**."
"I'm not being a smartass. You want me to consider the aspect of God and Jesus into my life and I don't really want to. Why shouldn't I, then, be able to get you to consider another aspect of belief?"
The basic idea is that you get them to realize what they're doing to you so they either stop or their proven wrong or they feel guilty about it.
It worked for me. Although, I still have yet to do that to my Dad's Catholic side. I figure it's hopeless anyway. Not to pick on Catholics, but yeah. Not even going to bother.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:23 pm
RainbowSquirrel Arg.. And today would be my day to vent, horridly.
What an awful day, right? Right..
I go to the bus stop this morning, like any other day. My friend is there, and she pulls out her pack of cigarettes. No big deal, we all smoke. There's nothing new to that. What she pulls out, is the only thing left in the package, and it by no means is a cigarette. She holds in her hand a nicely rolled joint. My eyes buldge, I want it. So we agreed to make up some flat out, fake story to tell my mom so I could drive my car to school. I drove, and on the way we got stonned as hell. It was good weed, I can't object to that... But it was the fact that I not only smoked it, but was on my way to school!
What the hell was I thinking?..
Eh'..
So then our school officer watches us as we walk into school. I'm so blitzed I can't walk a straight line, and I can't see anything. My ex walked by me, who normally I practically run from. He said hi. I couldn't see his figure my eyes were so screwed up. I only seen the blurred colors of his shirt and his voice that I know by heart. I hurried to class, and this kid. This little innocent kid who's never touched an illegal thing in his life, says, "Nicole, I know you're streamin'.." I was like. "!!!!!!!! Yea'..." And just iggnored him. My teachers knew, I don't doubt it. And the whole day I just walked around. I wasn't paranoid like usual or filled with anxiety. I was really calm. I can't believe I was that stupid. THEN I get this message from the office, telling me to go down there. I'm thinking.. "Oh.. (Insert bad word here.) I'm screwed, some stupid B*tch turned me in." Then I find out my SAS worker is coming to get me for lunch. Even more wonderful.. Right? W.r.o.n.g.
By the time she showed up, I wasn't as blitzed. A friend had some visine, thank god. She took me home, to where my mother is. We had a huge blow out fight and everything I said wasn't good enough. Everything I said couldn't have justified one comment they had to make. They kept bringing up the past, and the more they did.. the more my anger fueled. Then my SAS worker takes me back to school, great. I get a TARDY, which means lunch detention tomorrow. Okay, SCREW THAT. Not only do I have to go out with some dumb a** B*tch that I hate, I have to do it on my lunch hour, and because SHE didn't get ME back to school on time, I have to suffer? Hahaha, No. I don't think that's going to happen. So screw the detention, I'm not going.
Then my SAS worker checked up on my grades. I've got one A, three D's, and an F. Okay, that's what happens when I don't go to school, and I don't care. Then I went to the hospital, I'm flipping working on it now! You can't just MAGIC like bring up an F to an A. I'm so sorry I'm worthless. Boo-fricken-hoo. So my mom flipped over that.. Wonderful.
I come home, only to argue with my mother more, and so I sit here... Just ranting this out because I felt like I needed to.. Some days, I just wish I could go back in time. It's too bad life doesn't work that way. A good day to realize, life is absolutly no way close to being fair, and it never ever will be. That sounds really rough. sad I thought I had bad days, but only in different (and lesser) ways. You're living in a world where any natural laws of justice just don't exist. Which in itself is unfair. But it could have been worse. You could have got in trouble for doing drugs. A small highlight of good, I suppose.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 3:29 pm
ButterBalls Thomas Neo Anderson My stepmother had a talk with me Monday night, where she inquired why I choose not to believe in God, expressed concern for my soul, as 'the Second Coming is upon us and Jesus could be back any day now'. Which is insane as it is. Okay, first, I do not believe in any divine being. This is not something I control. This is a feeling that is ingrained in me. So to propose for me to change the core of my being out of fear for something to come is not only ridiculous but also kind of cheap. Okay, say that maybe I never really considered God and I come to 'love' him completely and then the second coming happens. That seems like a free ride, in my opinion. A flaw in the system? She also said this, which completely shattered any selfless image she was trying to create: "There is nothing I would love more than if we could be a good Christian [sic] family." So this isn't even entirely about me burning for eternity, this is also about me dragging down the religious synergy of this family with my disbelief. She asked me to consider God and that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I wish my eyes could be the size of the moon so everyone could see them roll. Anyway. Um. Imposing religion. Opinions?
Or if you really want to go for broke you can go to the bible, read it, and take direct quotes of hypocrisy and contradiction in the bible. I'm actually considering doing that. That, or you can go for broke by trying to get her to accept Satan in her life. But you gotta send a message when you do it. She'll say something like:
"Don't be a smart a**."
"I'm not being a smartass. You want me to consider the aspect of God and Jesus into my life and I don't really want to. Why shouldn't I, then, be able to get you to consider another aspect of belief?"
The basic idea is that you get them to realize what they're doing to you so they either stop or their proven wrong or they feel guilty about it.
It worked for me. Although, I still have yet to do that to my Dad's Catholic side. I figure it's hopeless anyway. Not to pick on Catholics, but yeah. Not even going to bother.Yes, you definitely have experience with this, and have given it thought. If I ask her to consider other religions, she is most likely going to view that as me mocking her. Actually reading the bible is something I would like to avoid. Maybe if it was better translated (and not missing 1000+ pages). I mean, if there seriously is a God and Jesus is going to come back then whatever. I doubt I would believe in any God unless I were to see this personally, and even then, whoops, guess it's to Hell with me, eh? So, essentially, I have considered God, and I have decided that if he exists, I will suffer eternally. And if he doesn't, then that's one thing I'm right about and one less thing to have to worry about devoting my life to.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:23 am
Well I walked off my job at about 10 today. I left my ID, my apron and a note that said 'Good Bye' It just wasn't worth it anymore. Every time they got stressed they took it out on me. They are going to have a hard time replacing me because I don't think anyone will be willing to do that much work for that little money. And I hope they have fun next week because they were expecting a huge load and already freaking out about it. I sort of wish I could be there to laugh at them. I am already hired at another place down the street for a much higher wage so it should be fine.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:58 pm
Thomas Neo Anderson Yes, you definitely have experience with this, and have given it thought. If I ask her to consider other religions, she is most likely going to view that as me mocking her. Actually reading the bible is something I would like to avoid. Maybe if it was better translated (and not missing 1000+ pages). I mean, if there seriously is a God and Jesus is going to come back then whatever. I doubt I would believe in any God unless I were to see this personally, and even then, whoops, guess it's to Hell with me, eh? So, essentially, I have considered God, and I have decided that if he exists, I will suffer eternally. And if he doesn't, then that's one thing I'm right about and one less thing to have to worry about devoting my life to.
I've found actually mainly flaws in the idea of Hell though. It's impossible to human comprehension to burn in hell for iternity. Considering that some people believe in reincarnation which would mean you come right back to Earth. Plus, you have to consider what suffering and pain really is and how long it takes to get over it. Hell is usually supposed to be the greatest phobias and the greatest pain and suffering, etc. However, at some point, you're going to get over it. Phobias are usualy taken care of especially when you understand them. Pain will only become pleasure. So, then you consider how much time it'll take you to get over every fear you have overcome all the pain and suffering you will in turn have none of it. In short, there's really now way you can suffer for iternity.
Then, with that theory you could actually theorize that you go to hell after you die and hell becomes heaven. But hey, who knows.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:19 pm
ButterBalls Thomas Neo Anderson Yes, you definitely have experience with this, and have given it thought. If I ask her to consider other religions, she is most likely going to view that as me mocking her. Actually reading the bible is something I would like to avoid. Maybe if it was better translated (and not missing 1000+ pages). I mean, if there seriously is a God and Jesus is going to come back then whatever. I doubt I would believe in any God unless I were to see this personally, and even then, whoops, guess it's to Hell with me, eh? So, essentially, I have considered God, and I have decided that if he exists, I will suffer eternally. And if he doesn't, then that's one thing I'm right about and one less thing to have to worry about devoting my life to.
I've found actually mainly flaws in the idea of Hell though. It's impossible to human comprehension to burn in hell for iternity. Considering that some people believe in reincarnation which would mean you come right back to Earth. Plus, you have to consider what suffering and pain really is and how long it takes to get over it. Hell is usually supposed to be the greatest phobias and the greatest pain and suffering, etc. However, at some point, you're going to get over it. Phobias are usualy taken care of especially when you understand them. Pain will only become pleasure. So, then you consider how much time it'll take you to get over every fear you have overcome all the pain and suffering you will in turn have none of it. In short, there's really now way you can suffer for iternity.
Then, with that theory you could actually theorize that you go to hell after you die and hell becomes heaven. But hey, who knows. That's a really good point. Human adaptability and all that jazz.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 5:01 pm
Chalda Go for it! Worst she can say is no and then you can just be proud that you tried. I plan to, I just need to decide when. I'm worried that if I ask her and she says no, it'll be ackward in that class for the rest of the semester.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
