Welcome to Gaia! ::

Pass. And good. I could easily differentiate thoughts from speakings parts.

You need to state who's speaking. It gets confusing when reading it, trying to figure out who's talking. So for the first dialouge: "Dad?" Katare said to get his father's attention.

Something like that. Do one more for me.
Actually, not saying who was speaking at that time was more or less what I was going for, but you're the expert. I'll do another one, and try to get it right this time.

Katare stood completely motionless, staring down his opponent like a hungry wolf. Kaitos Syneen, age 23. Leader of Seukata, the local gang Katare was hired to disband. Without the lackies to back him up, Kaitos seemed quite pitiful.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a shuriken shot at Katare from the side. Katare wasn't prepared for that. He noticed it at the last moment, and dodged it by the skin of his teeth.

Katare quickly took a peek at where the shuriken had whizzed past him. It had torn his long red coat, his favorite kind made from finely woven wool.

"These things ain't cheap, you know!" Katare screamed. It was his turn to move. Katare swiftly dashed at Kaitos, eyes glistening with his unquenchable thirst for pain...

There. I hope I did it right this time!

she's actually very sarcastic on that last note, 'this' is almost impossible to seperate from "this"

usually we do it like this:

"speech"
"thoughts"
feelings --> he felt miserable

could you guys please be nice enough to say that I failed and [nicely] point out my mistakes? Constructive critisism is not considered an insult. Oh, forget it.
Here's attempt to graduate number 2:
Ryumaru slowly walked into the bathroom of the academy. He slyly checked behind the door to make cetain that no one is there. To his releif, no one was. He walked up to the mirror, and removed the red mask that covered the lower part of his face. A bloody nose, a fat lip, and a black eye. Smooth move, Ryumaru, he thought to himself. He wondered why he would do something that stupid...that suicidal...that nice.

Ryumaru wasn't known for being a "social butterfly." In fact, one could easily argue that he was psychopathic, autistic, or both. So, he thought, Why in Genghis Khan's fuzzy hats did I stand up for that dorky little punk?

Believe me or not this is acctually only my second rp attempt ever! the cahracter's name is Nichi Hirakari:

As Nichi was walking to his favourite restaurant for lunch, he overheard some people yelling and thought it could be good practice to try and sneak up on them. He came up to the corner cautiously and peered around it. He only put one eye out and closed the other, losing depth perception, but that way he didn’t have to lean out so far. He saw that the people arguing were the four Chunins in charge of the academy! He also saw that the argument was two-on-two, but he still couldn’t hear what was being said, so he crouched down behind a mini wall that was jutting out from the wall. The mini wall had a gate that was open, but Nichi didn’t know if it was oiled or not, so he did his best to slip through it without touching it. It was quite a squeeze, and he could have sworn that he did touch the gate three times, but it never squeaked so it was all good.

Once inside the wall Nichi crawled along the street side and got close enough to hear what the argument was all about: HIM! The senseis were arguing whether or not to let him into the academy or not. The announcement of who got in was coming up in a few weeks and they had only so many slots. The two that were arguing for Nichi said that he excelled at sneaking around and in the use of tools not to mention that his ninjutsu were incredibly good for an 8 year old, hell he could already do Kawarimi no Jutsu! But the two who were arguing against him said that he was really quite pathetic at both genjutsu and taijutsu, and with only one type of jutsus he would be quite useless in battle.

Once Nichi heard all the arguments and the sensais were repeating themselves, Nichi decided to help his position in the race for an Academy slot. In a puff of smoke Nichi disappeared and reappeared in the air in front of the sensei that was arguing that he had no taijutsu skill and kicked at his nose!! The kick missed by mere millimetres, as intended, and all the senseis were completely caught off guard and stumbled back two or three steps each. Here Nichi yelled “if I suck so much at taijutsu, teach me the hardest style you know, I will master it in record time! And then you can teach me all the best Genjutsus!”

Once their shock receded, the senseis began to laugh! They laughed for nearly five full minutes. By the first minute, Nichi had lost all hope of gaining their friendship; by the fourth he had lost all hope of ever getting into the academy. The one of the senseis said, “actually you have already been accepted, we were simply trying to hide it from you because you aren’t supposed to know for quite a while. I hope you can keep this a secret, because I would hat to not accept you because this leaked!, Ha ha ha ha ha ha”

well, switch that present verbs for past, and look at the correction in blue, and you pass 3nodding

How's this?:
Byakuya awoke with a sweating body, "So today's the day huh?"Byakuya readied his equipment, with a hasty hand. His face showed no emotion, but in his heart he had only excitement. Today was the day he'd go on his village's front line. He put his head band around his neck, and then he put on his mask, a symbol of his pride. Before he left, he went into the back room; there was a small shrine for his parents. He knelt before it and swore an oath of vengence. "When I kill you, you won't know it's me, and I will kill you Suigetsu..."

definite pass xd